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“The Fosters” recap (2.13): Systemic Failure

Previously on The Fosters, the Quinns got so wrapped up in getting their baby back, baby back, baby back that they were oblivious to the fact that Sophia was suicidal. Lena and Stef got mad at each other, built the great wall of throw pillows, and then made up when Tyra told them they were both still in the running toward being the biggest dumbass. Brandon wanted to go on tour with the band, Jude maybe, sort of told the truth about what happened in the tent with Connor, Lena got her job back, and shit continued to rain down on Callie in biblical proportions. A plague of locusts? Nope, a plague of disappointing adults. Oh, and Ana is pregnant and Maury will be on this week’s episode to tell us who the father is.

This week Callie is having a heart-to-heart with the moms about the fact that she can’t catch a damn break. She may have to repeat a bunch of classes because the system sucks and her transcripts were given to CeCe Drake to hand deliver and, like Spencer’s UPenn application, probably ended up lining the floor of Tippi’s birdcage.

They promise Callie that they will fix this and make sure no one ever takes her out of their house. Callie says that’s cute but Santa isn’t real and neither is the Tooth Fairy. Last year she got yanked out of their house because they forgot to renew their foster license so their promises are worth approximately two pots of leprechaun gold. They can take their promises and shove them.

Mariana bops in and lets everyone know that she got the best marks in her class on the math test and there is going to be a whole celebration in her honor and wait, why isn’t everyone more excited? She says fine, everyone else can be excited about it and, by the way, she got invited to be in a special group for certified geniuses. She flounces out to get ready for dinner, a little peeved that she’s not the chosen one. When Callie follows her, Stef and Lena say they love her and she stops just short of rolling her eyes. Lena says they have to help Callie graduate because it’s important for foster kids. Stef is like, “Hold up-‘foster’ kid?” Lena, it may be rational to protect yourself this way, but Stef doesn’t work that way. She was all in with Callie even when she was busy huffing and puffing about not letting Callie stay that first night.

Callie gets a call in the middle of the night and rushes in to ask Stef to help her. Stef and a couple of cops bust down a door where a guy is holding a knife and threatening a couple. Stef demands to know where the kids are and finds Kiara and a couple of other kids holed up in a bedroom. Back at the Adams Foster’s, Kiara tells Callie and Mariana about her fucked up night and she and Callie commiserate over getting jerked around by the system, while Mariana feels guilty about her comparatively charmed life.

Callie finds Wyatt at school staring at the vending machine like the Doritos might be talking to him. She asks if he’s being a dipshit because they broke up and he is all snarly and grouchy with her. (But his hair still looks amazing.)

Lena and Sir Spermothy the Irritating are sitting in her office chatting over some falafel. He claims his chick pea balls are better than the ones Lena brought. Dude, basta! Lena tells him that Monty is OK as a principal since she’s letting Lena take care of the academics. Lena and Monty wrestling for control is so wrong but I think I am going to enjoy watching.

Jesús apologizes to Hailey for missing her split twerking. He tells her that Ana is pregnant. When she asks who the dad is, Jesús is confronted with the possibility that Mike may be the father of Brandon and of his biological half-sibling. If this gets any soapier, we may have to call Dr. Drake Remoray to help sort it out.

Mariana pops into the meeting of the Nerd Avengers and sits next to Emma. When the teacher asks a question that has the rest of the group scratching their heads, Mariana says, “The limit does not exist,” which is absolutely correct. Emma is surprised Mariana is there and not as much of a dunderhead as her twin. Emma thinks the real reason Jesús broke up with her is because she is smarter, a better wrestler, and has better eyebrows.

Brandon is giving Mike and the moms the pitch for why he should be allowed to go on tour with the band. He promises that they will do SAT prep and only stay in nice hotels and pick up litter and help old ladies cross the street. Mike and Lena are ready to shut him down but Stef says maybe they should get him out of the house. Jesús charges in and asks what the hell Mike is doing there (hopefully not impregnating any of his moms, thank you very much). Stef calls him on his rudeness. Jesús apologizes but leaves before he imagines Mike and Ana together.The moms find Jesús and tell him that if he wants to see Ana again, he needs to go to Alateen meetings. When Brandon wanders in, Stef ropes him into taking Jesús to a meeting. Brandon looks put out. Perhaps he should remember that he is trying to get his parents to agree to an ill-conceived cross country trip. Now is not the time to quibble, bucko.

Some dude is sitting in the kitchen telling Stef and Lena there’s nothing he can do to help Kiara. Stef can’t believe this shit. It’s like the system hasn’t been screwing everyone over on this show since day one. Either that or Stef wasn’t paying attention. She also can’t believe they are going to send Kiara back to that house. Upstairs Kiara is ready to pull a Callie and run away rather than go back to that house.

Back at Anchors Aweigh, Monty walks into Lena’s office to tell her they need to get their English test scores up if she is really going to rake in the big money. To get that done Lena needs to talk to Timothy about the English department. Hold onto your falafels, Timmy.

Mariana is showing Mat her dance moves and is thrilled when he calls her sexy. She has to hurry off to the Mathletes. Mat says he got a 92 on the exam she lies and says she got an 88. The ghost of Anne Shirley appears and smacks Mariana upside her head for lying to make Mat feel smarter.

Mike tries to talk to Stef at work about Brandon and the disaster tour but Stef is too busy worrying about Kiara. She thinks the foster parents are dealing drugs and she wants to drop by for a visit. Mike offers to go with her because the last time they dropped in on a drug dealer it ended super well.

Callie takes Kiara to the foster kid help center and asks the guy in charge how they can get Kiara out of her current placement. The guy asks them to fill out some forms and then wait six to eight weeks for a response. Kiara doesn’t have that kind of time so she and Callie storm the hell out of there.

Stef and Mike ask the lying liar foster parents a couple of questions and when the inconsistencies mount the guy tells them to get out. Stef tells him that if anything happens to any of the foster kids she will hunt him down like an animal and-Mike drags her out before she can dig herself a deeper hole.

Lena runs into Monty who tells her that Mariana doesn’t want her name announced at the nerd celebration assembly. Lena can’t believe the girl who made the whole family clap when she put on her shoes doesn’t want the attention. Her spidey sense is ringing off the hook.

Callie is sitting on a bench on the beach when Wyatt flicks his hair over his shoulder and sits down to chat. He tells her that he only came back to San Diego for Callie. She tells him that’s bullshit, he came back because the wind doesn’t blow the same way in Indiana and he missed having his hair do that thing. He’s thinking of taking off and asks her to come with him. At least then she wouldn’t have to live with the Quinns. Wyatt, you were the voice of reason! With Jude stuffed under a couch or Out of Town or whatever, someone needs to talk sense to Callie.

Lena comes home to find Mariana and Mat sucking face in the back yard. She interrupts them and starts to ask Mariana about the assembly. Mariana makes up a story about wanting to help and Lena doesn’t push it when she realizes Mariana is hiding something from Mat. Hiding something like her giant, genius brain.

Jesús and Brandon are waiting outside of the meeting and Brandon confesses that he only went once and usually ends up getting pizza instead. Before you can say TNMT they are out of the car and on the way to get a couple of slices.

When Mariana walks in, Lena calls her on her crappy lie immediately. Mariana explains that her score was better than Mat’s. Lena tells her that if this boy can’t handle her brain he doesn’t deserve her. “Don’t play small-you’re already pretty short.” Lena for the win, forever.

Meanwhile, Brandon is making grandpa jokes with Jesús. He doesn’t get why Jesús won’t ditch Hailey if he doesn’t like her. Jesús reveals his idiotic tattoo and Brandon laughs his ass off at his stupid little brother.

Callie tells Kiara that she has to hang out with the Quinns again even though Sophia tried to kill herself. She had hoped it would maybe re-adjust the Quinn’s priorities but no, Golum still wants the precious. Kiara tells Callie she will be okay, whether she has to go back to that crappy home or not. Callie gets a text from Wyatt saying he is getting ready to leave. She wants to know when. Callie Jacob, you sit your ass on that bed. Do not go near the hair model.

Stef is losing her damn mind about the system and doesn’t even notice that Lena is getting naked. I guess it’s like having a beautiful view from your house, maybe you stop notice just how beautiful the Tetons (ahem) are if you see them every day. In fairness, having a conversation while dropping trou to get into your pjs seems like a totally normal thing to do. I’m just shocked Stef can form a coherent sentence with a half-naked Lena standing there.Timothy and Lena are bickering about standard tests and curriculum. She tells him that he needs to get the test scores up and he fires back that she sounds a lot like Monty for someone who is supposed to have total autonomy.

Stef and Mike drop by the landlord to talk about the terrible foster parents. Landlord guy doesn’t care as long as they pay on time and don’t have a waterbed. When Mike mentions that just maybe they are selling drugs and the cops will be patrolling the street every day, the guy sings a different tune. You two are shady but I like your passion.

I could actually hear you all screaming at your TVs last night as Callie packed up her duffel and headed out the door. Don’t you dare, young lady!

At school, Mariana marches up to Mat and tells him she got a 98 and that she thinks the teacher graded the other two points wrong and if he can’t handle her being smart he should bugger off. He’s offended that she would think so little of him that she thought she needed to lie. Dude, the other boys on this show are exactly that stupid, so yeah, it’s no surprise she felt that way.

Monty asks Lena how things went with Timothy. After some hot bickering they realize they are on the same page. Except that Monty says if Timothy won’t fall in line, they will fire him. So long, Timmy! Maybe you can drive the tour bus this summer.

Stef goes running through the house looking for Callie and Kiara and finds a note on Callie’s bed. This was not the flashback to her honeymoon she was hoping for. Callie walks up to Wyatt and drops her duffel. She pulls out the piece of wall he gave her for Christmas and tells him he needs it a hell of a lot more than she does. She calls him a quitter for leaving and tells him he should stick around and finish what he started (or at least long enough to teach her how to make her hair as pretty as his).

Stef hands Callie the note when she walks in. Callie is sad that Kiara ran away. In the kitchen Stef asks Lena if she would mind if she and Mike were partners again. Lena wants to think about it which is fair considering Mike hasn’t been the pillar of good decision-making lately. Lena says Monty convinced her that letting Brandon go on tour was a good thing. Stef laughs and says, “So she said what I said but you listened to her instead of me?” It’s moot since Stef now agrees that sending Brandon out on the road isn’t the best plan.

Callie walks into the foster kid help center and asks to volunteer for an independent study project for school. Maybe her first project can be finding Judicorn.

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