At the end of the last episode, the second skeleton arrived: Tony’s ex Elizabeth. This week’s episode opens with Elizabeth standing in the entryway unamused. Tony hasn’t even wiped Madison’s sweat off his body from the sexcapades the night before, so he does the only logical thing a person can do in his situation. He runs off with this tail between his legs and hides in the closet.
“It’s so awkward. So awkward,” says Madison.
Then Elizabeth snaps her fingers at Tony, and Tony scurries out like a trained puppy. She informs him that they are going out alone, and he sprays his hair timidly as she glowers at him. As she exits the house he dutifully trots after her.
“She should have come in with a name tag, ‘Hello, my name is Bitch,’” remarks Sylvia.
Sylvia and Madison joke about poisoning her. Madison suggests cyanide, but Sylvia says that only a little bit of rat poison is needed. They just want make her sick, not kill her. Thankfully, Violetta is nowhere to be seen, because she might have gone through with the plan.
Nicole wanders in the house and asks what is going on. The roommates tell her that Tony’s ex Elizabeth has moved in.
Nicole is all:
Meanwhile, Tony and Elizabeth have an intense heart to heart, and at the end of it Tony tells us, “I’m always going to love her.” Madison who?
Back at the house, Sylvia and Violetta tell Madison the harsh truth, “You’re his side chick.” Madison sighs and accepts her place in the Tony totem pole. She doesn’t like it, but what can she do?
Elizabeth and Tony return to the house. Elizabeth continues snapping her fingers at him and ordering him around, as the rest of the roommates look on, commenting that Elizabeth treats him like a dog.
The next day, Madison has an epiphany: “I’ve been saying I want to be in a relationship, but after seeing the relationships in this house, I don’t know if I want one!”
Then the roommates go out to a club, because it is Elizabeth’s birthday. Elizabeth isolates herself from the rest of the group and is especially rude to Madison.
Back at the house, Madison starts crying and Sylvia jumps to the rescue, storming into Elizabeth’s room and warning her if she acts like a bitch, people will push back with equal amounts of bitchery. It’s like a ratchet version of Newton’s Third Law of Motion. Elizabeth is like a honey badger. She doesn’t give a shit, so Sylvia pulls a Violetta and starts throwing Elizabeth’s stuff over the balcony.
The next day, Nicole tells Elizabeth that the previous night was unpleasant, and now that the air has cleared, if she apologizes to everyone, everything will be forgiven. Elizabeth takes this to heart, goes to Tony’s bar and apologizes for her behavior.
“From here on out it should be smooth sailing,” Tony tells us.
As Elizabeth is apologizing to Tony, cut to Tony’s ex Alyssa rolling up to the house in a van. Yes, that ex. The one he refers to as his stalker and who tossed a brick at a girl for daring to speak to him.
Nicole opens the door, and Alyssa introduces herself as Tony’s ex.
Nicole is all:
Like Zoolander, Nicole only has one look.
“Tony’s gonna shit frisbees,” laughs Sylvia.
Alyssa immediately starts talking trash about Elizabeth, which makes everyone in the house happy, because the enemy of your enemy is your new favorite roommate. She tells the roommates that she is “Queen,” and Elizabeth is “Princess.”
“Queen always wins,” she says.
It is pouring outside. Tony and Elizabeth return to the house, and upon seeing Alyssa, Tony runs outside back into the rain. Elizabeth runs away as quickly as she can, telling us that she is afraid of Alyssa.
Elizabeth might have blown in like a tornado, but Alyssa is a category 5 hurricane. Elizabeth keeps a distance, but her side eye is fierce.
Alyssa decides to confront Elizabeth in front of Tony, telling her that she does not like her at all. Tony doesn’t know what to do except stand there like a tumbleweed, getting blown around by the women in the house.
Eventually, Tony and Alyssa have a heart to heart, and he gets the puppy dog look in his eyes. He asks her, “What if?” What if Elizabeth never came into the picture? What if he never met Madison? What if he weren’t such a man-child who can’t stop humping anything with a vagina?
Alyssa and Tony kiss, as Elizabeth and Madison look on in disgust.
Oh the shade. The shade.