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“The Fosters” recap (2.12): The BerLena Wall

Previously on The Fosters, Robert Quinn stalked his way back into Callie’s life and agreed to let her get adopted by the Adams Foster family and then reneged because of course he did. Joining will-Callie-ever-get-adopted” in the in the “storylines that will never die Olympics” was yet another ill-advised Brallie kiss. You’re killin’ me, Smalls! Lena quit her job, ostensibly to protect Jude who did something in a tent with Connor, but just maybe because she has a couple billion feelings left over from having to terminate her pregnancy. Mike is sponsoring (and possibly schtupping) Ana while she gets clean.

When we last left our rag tag group of Adams Fosters, an ambulance had just arrived at the Quinn’s house of opulence and overcompensation. Sophia is in the tub, crying and slips under the water. But the ambulance isn’t there for her, it’s there for Robert who has had a panic attack. Dude, stop acting like you’re the one who has been yanked around by the foster care system.

Beautiful Judicorn says, “He signed the papers-shouldn’t he have to stick to his word?” Oh you glorious little unicorn child, somehow untouched by the chronically disappointing adults in your life. Lena says it will all be fine because she also believes in unicorns and leprechauns and the goodness of the human spirit. Stef isn’t so sure on account of the fact that she actually remembers everything that has happened to this family in the span of less than a year.

Brandon finds Callie outside where she’s playing “Joe Lies” on her guitar. He starts to talk and she’s like, “Yeah, see my life has kind of come apart at the seams so if you could go away and save your bad news for another day that would be great.” He tells her that he just doesn’t want her to give up.

Upstairs Lena is waiting for Jude so they can process the day. I’m not sure there’s any more comforting sight than Lena saying it’s going to be all right. She’s like a human Klonopin. She thanks Jude for being honest about what happened with Connor in the tent and says that what they did wasn’t wrong, just not appropriate for a school trip. So, I think that rules out ritual sacrifice on the list of stuff they might have been doing.

The next day Stef is doing what she does best; ignoring Lena and making everything worse. She’s talking to Dr. Quinn who tells her that when she thought Callie was just a street rat she wanted nothing to do with her but now that she realizes that she’s a diamond in the rough she and Robert would like to keep her. You never know with strays, do you? Some are sweet and some will bite your frickin’ hand off. When Stef calls BS Robert says “you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”

Jesús and Brandon are lifting weights in the garage and talking about whether AA works or not. Brandon sure hopes so otherwise he’s wasted a lot of time hanging out at meetings with his dad. Outside, Mariana is practicing her dance routine with Tia the dance superstar. Mariana wants to simplify her solo but Tia tells her she didn’t sit her ass on the back deck for a billion hours just for Mariana to give up. It’s kind of how I feel about Callie. We haven’t been watching all this time for you to give up (or make out with Brandon, again).

Brandon and Lu are singing a song about cannon and crossfire and some other teenage level metaphor. Mariana thinks they are great together but Mat has seen the Rumours episode of Glee and is afraid of a Fleetwood Mac situation. Lena and Stef, in solidarity with the lesbian blogger community, stopped letting the kids watch Glee years ago so Mariana has no idea what a Fleetwood Mac is.

The moms are fighting. It starts with Lena being mad that Stef went over and got all territorial with Robert. Stef is all, “Honey, I thought you liked it when I got all territorial.” There’s a time a place, Stephanie! Stef points out the irony of being called impulsive by a woman who quit her job on a whim. And here we go. Nothing like having one argument snowball into an avalanche of grievances. Ladies, it’s not even Festivus. Lena is ready to barge out, ugly blanket in hand, but Stef reminds her that she can’t go sleep on the couch because it will freak out the kids. She tells Lena to get her ass in bed which would be so hot under other circumstances. Stef adds “please,” because you don’t sass Lena Adams-Foster even when you’re in the middle of a fight. Lena relents but only after she builds a wall worthy of Hadrian between them with pillows.

Jesús and Hailey are talking in the courtyard.

Hailey: Sorry I was so crazy on Saturday.

Jesús: I really loved that bunny.

Hailey: Are you come to watch me dance?

Jesús: Yep, my whole family is coming to the dance thing.

Hailey: That’s so great. I’m so great. They will get to bask in my greatness.

Jesús: Yeah, sure, we’re coming to see you, not my twin sister who you have apparently blocked out completely.

A teacher in full-on Ezra Fitz uniform (sweater vest, button down, over investment in one of his students) tells Brandon that he has been given a spot at the premiere classical music camp this summer. Brandon reminds the teacher that his hand barely works well enough to play his helicopter sounds on his keyboard let alone play Beethoven. Pish posh, surely you can procure a miracle by the summer, Brandon.

New principal is talking to a bunch of teachers when Lena busts in: “Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.” Connor finds Jude in the hall and tells him he’s not mad but Jude seriously needs to rethink telling his moms everything. The dance team is stretching outside when the captain, Regina George, tells everyone to read the rules for the competition. Mariana is the only one who takes a copy. She’s going to get an O and this O.W.L. if it kills her. Then Regina decides to mess with Mariana some more by switching when her solo will be in the performance. God, Jingle Bell Rock better not suck this year, you guys.

At home, Brandon is playing classical music on the piano again. Callie walks in and tells him it sounded beautiful. He tells her about the camp and then runs away before she can try to make out with his face again.

Jude needs help with his homework so Stef is trying to recall fractions. Lena walks in and she and Stef exchange clipped greetings. Stef gets a little less icy when Lena tells them she got her job back. Sadly, that means she’s going to have to have a meeting with Connor and his dad about the camping trip. She’s a cool mom but she can’t be a cool Vice Principal. You don’t always get to have that nice make-up, sometimes it’s just “I fixed that thing you were pissed about so we’re good, right?” Tear down that wall Lena and get your ass back in bed.

Mariana can’t sleep because she’s nervous about the competition but didn’t say anything because Callie’s life is in total shambles. Callie doesn’t mind because the misery Olympics is a terrible sport. Callie asks if Brandon and Lu are together and Mariana says they, like totally are, and that she sure hopes it doesn’t end up in a Fleetwood/No Doubt Mac situation (whatever that is).

Connor and Jude are sitting on the couch in Lena’s office. Jude tells Connor’s dad that after light’s out they had some girls come into their tent and they played games and made out with the girls and-nope, that’s it. Nothing else happened. You sure about that, buddy? Connor’s dad says he was worried that something like that might happen because he was really only worried about Connor growing up too fast (and not at all worried that he was hanging out with a possibly, maybe, a little bit gay friend). Lena promises that the camping trip will be better supervised next time (maybe by not sending chaperones who have just gone through the emotional trauma of having to abort their baby to save their own life. Just spitballing here.) Connor’s dad says maybe Connor is a little old to be spanked. And everyone leaves happy except for Connor who tells Jude that he’s a “little bitch” for telling Lena what happened in the tent. Well, that’s just uncalled for young sir.

At the dance competition Regina isn’t done messing with everyone so she tries to cut Mariana’s solo. Tia calls it for the BS that it is and Regina tells her she can shut up or leave. Tia chooses to leave taking her amazing dance skills with her.

Stef, Lena, and Callie are in the judge’s chambers with their lawyer and the Quinns. Callie tells the judge that the Adams Fosters are her family and nothing will ever change that (no matter what fresh hell the writers throw at her). The judge decides that he will leave Callie in the Adams Foster’s house but that Callie has to see Robert one day a week. Callie agrees but says she won’t spend time with Dr. Quinn, WASPy woman, or Sophia.

At the dance competition, Mariana throws a little Will Hunting math at the rest of the dancers to fix their geometry problem. “Do you have any idea how easy this is for me?” They rock their routine, including Mariana’s formerly problematic spin. But where is Jesús? He’s missing Hailey’s twerk splits to check out Ana’s AA meeting. Ana shares about hitting rock bottom and hoping to do better for the baby she’s carrying. Bets on the father? Is it the guy who shot Stef or is it Mike’s? Or could it be bachelor number three? Stay tuned to find out.

Callie is at work when Sophia shows up. What’s with the Quinns and stalking Callie at the Burger Palace? She tells Callie she is sorry but Callie couldn’t care less. Sophia tells her that if Callie doesn’t forgive her she will kill herself. Callie, understandably, thinks Sophia is being melodramatic and tells her to go home. Sophia walks out into the middle of the street and causes a car accident when the cars try not to run her down.

Tia is in no mood to celebrate with Mariana after the competition. Mariana rolls her eyes and says, “Doesn’t anyone read Hogwart’s: A History?” She explains that now that they qualified for state, all they need is one person from the team that qualified to be eligible. So she and Tia can form their own dance team and leave Regina to get hit by a bus. How do you like them apples?

Sophia tells a cop that she and Callie got into a fight and she was upset and not paying attention when she walked into the street. Robert pulls out a fat wad of money to make the problem go away. Once the cop is gone Callie tells Robert that it wasn’t an accident. Sophia tells them that sometimes she just wants to die. Jill takes her home and leaves Callie and Robert behind. He breaks down.

Around the table in the dream kitchen, Callie tells the moms that they are going to get help for Sophia, and Lena tells the kids that if any of them ever feels like that to tell someone. Please indulge me for a second. When I was in college one of my teammates tried to commit suicide. But she called her ex-girlfriend who was 1500 miles away but had the presence of mind to call the local cops for help. She saved my teammate’s life. Please, if someone tells you they want to hurt themselves, call someone to get help. You aren’t betraying their trust. You might just save their life and you’ll have people like me forever grateful that you did.

Okay, where were we? Right, in the kitchen. Jesús wanders in and lies that the coach kept him late and that’s why he risked another dookie emoticon from Hailey. Brandon tells Stef that the band is going on tour over the summer. She tells him that’s swell for the band. He wants to go and Lena comes up behind Stef and assures him that they will talk about it. But the look is more “we’re going to have a lot of dirty sex tonight and I can pretty much get her to agree to anything if I do that thing.”

Callie can’t believe Brandon is going to give up his “one true love” of classical music to get out on the road with his hot girlfriend. He makes her promise not to tell the moms about his scholarship. Callie asks if this is all about Lu and Brandon says yeah, kind of. Callie wants to know if Lu is the reason they aren’t together and Brandon says “no, it’s because the writers really like this story line for some unknown reason and keep torturing the audience with it” it’s actually because he can’t trust Callie. She’s too erratic and only runs to him when shit hits the fan. He’s done with her. They aren’t going to be Brallie anymore. That sound you hear is all the lesbians rejoicing.

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