“Last Tango in Halifax” recap (3.2): Vibrator, Aisle Six

on

Hello lovelies, and welcome back to Concerning Hobbits, the show about adorable, tiny rustic people and the amusing complications of their lives. This is the episode that finally gave me the courage to say what I have long felt, which is: Fuck Celia. Fuck her homophobia towards her nearly perfect and always supportive daughter and fuck her judgment about Alan’s one night stand. I have had enough of Celia’s frowns and resigned sighs and never-ending sense of martyrdom, although I admit that may be partly because she reminds me so strongly of several women in my family. (Southern ladies are separated from British ladies only by an ocean and the presence of ice in their tea.)

Last week, poor Judith miscarried her and John’s baby (sad), Alan discovered that he had fathered a child while still married to his ex-wife (jury out), and Caroline proposed that Kate become her lawful wedded wife (all the goodness and light in the universe condensed into one moment). We pick up right where we left off, with Alan meeting his son Gary for the first time ever, while Gillian keeps Celia occupied. Gary, naturally, wants to know how the affair with his mother came about, and Alan answers, with perhaps a bit too much honesty, that he was entranced with Mary because she reminded him so much of Celia. Here is some free advice: never tell anybody they remind you of anybody else. No matter how flattering you think you are being, it is inevitably hurtful because everyone wants to believe they are incomparable. I can only imagine how it must feel to be told that you owe your very existence to the fact that your mum vaguely resembled your father’s OTP. But Gary is unfazed, which brings me to: Gary is too good to be true and therefore Highly Suspicious.

tango2.1YOUR TEETH ARE TOO WHITE I DON’T TRUST YOU.

While they catch up, Gillian and Celia trade gossip about the rest of the family. It turns out that John has been staying in Caroline’s guest room ever since Judith lost the baby, an arrangement that is awkward for everyone but John, who has the decorum of an English sheepdog (my apologies to English sheepdogs). Celia rolls her eyes at John’s shenanigans and then asks Gillian if she plans to attend Caroline and Kate’s “wedding.” Like, she actually puts the word “wedding” in air quotes. That’s it, Celia. You’ve crossed the line. From now on I am giving all your pictures sexual captions until you learn to behave yourself.

tango2.2I’M A TWO FINGERS GIRL, MESELF, BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS ADD MORE IF YOU’RE A BIT ROOMY.

A few of you said in last week’s comments that you thought I misread Gillian refusal to attend the upcoming nuptials, and I came around to your way of thinking before I ever watched this scene. But Gillian does indeed confirm that she is declining to attend, not because of some grudge, but because she worried Caroline only invited her out of politeness.

Back to lesbianism. Since Kate is on maternity leave and John is a “full time writer” (a term fully deserving of air quotes), he accompanies her to birthing classes. The whole point of the scene is everyone’s face when John attempts to explain his connection to Kate as “my wife’s girlfriend.”

tango2.3

Now, there are two types of people in the world: There are those who can come up with perfect, zinging comebacks on command and deploy them like poison darts, and there are those who come up with the comebacks hours later. (Usually in the shower, for whatever reason.) And it is also true that people from either camp frequently wish with all their hears that they could switch to the other one. Kate, of course, is not a poison dart slinger, so it’s not until later that night that she tells Caroline what she should have said to John, and it boils down to: “SHE’S A DAMN SIGHT CLOSER TO BEING MY WIFE THAN YOURS, YOU PILLOCK.” She requests that Caroline kick John out of the house and Caroline agrees, just as soon as he’s done playing Candyland with Jeremy. Kate, understandably, is bothered not only by John’s presence and presumable odor, but because he is a constant reminder of the uncertainties of pregnancy. ALSO, everyone who suggested last week that Kate is going to die in childbirth can just get out. We don’t tolerate that kind of talk in Hobbiton.

Once she finishes soothing her fiancé, Caroline checks up on the Gary situation, and warns that if Alan doesn’t tell Celia the truth soon, Caroline will tell it herself. So that night, Alan, looking grimmer than we’ve ever seen him, confesses to having “a skeleton in cupboard.”

tango2.4 I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I’VE GOT LEFT SO I LEAVE OUT “THE” FROM SENTENCES TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT.

More you may like