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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.14): Alison is the New Black

It’s the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars, the only show where dolls and fireworks can be weaponized to equal effect.

It’s been three months since the Christmas special, and we open with the Liars at Mona Vanderwaal’s funeral. We learn that Mona’s body was never found, and that her coffin is filled with keepsakes and personal effects. I am now placing 3-1 odds that before this season is over, one of those liars will be digging up Mona’s grave. My money is on Spencer or Emily; those girls know how to handle a shovel.

Despite finding the Bethany letter, Spencer is still out on bail and considered a murder suspect. Does Burberry make ankle monitors?

Ali rolls up to the funeral in a pink flowery dress and tries to talk to Leona, Mona’s mom. She tells her she had nothing to do with Mona’s death, and Momma Vanderwaal proceeds to slap Ali’s face right off her head. And it’s not a little slap, it’s a full-on Navratilova backhand!

Back at Casa Vanderwaal, Hanna is helping Leona clean up. Leona says that without Mona’s body, she feels like Mona was lost at sea. She gives Hanna a toy dog of Mona’s, adding to Hanna’s treasure trove of Mona artifacts.

Meanwhile, over at the Hastings, Spencer is giving her dad the rundown on the funeral shenanigans. Mr. Hastings says, “I should have been there,” aka the Rosewood Parents Motto. He tells Spencer that Bethany’s family is trying to get her bail revoked, and that they’ve unsealed her indictment.

At Rosewood PD, Tanner gives Officer Toby the indictment, which reveals that Jessica DiLaurentis gave a statement saying she saw Spencer kill Bethany. Apparently she gave the statement a while ago, but it was hidden in Wilden’s files. I like to imagine that the evidence room of the Rosewood PD is just stacks and stacks of masks and riddles.

Aria and Ezra are at the Rear Window Brew, which is under construction. Apparently Ezra has bought the place and is planning to build a bookshop/library/cake emporium.

Emily and Paige are cuddling together in bed. Paige is leaving for San Francisco tomorrow, and despite all their begging and pleading, the McCullers parents refuse to let their only daughter stay in a town full of murderers and masked maniacs. UGH PARENTS, AM I RIGHT?

Emily is sad that Paige is missing graduation, and more importantly prom. They gaze deeply into each other’s eyes, and it starts raining on my face. I’m torn between wanting Paige to stay, and wanting her to not get murdered.

Speaking of lesbian couples processing, Caleb and Hanna are eating ice cream while Hanna continues to feel guilty about Mona’s death. Caleb has been trying to hack into Mona’s laptop, but that thing has more security than the CIA/NSA/Interpol combined.

Hanna wants to call in the great and powerful Grunwald to divine the whereabouts of Mona’s body, but Caleb is unsure about anything involving Ravenswood. (SO WAS THE AUDIENCE, HEYO!) Hanna keeps saying that Grunwald is a “real psychic” as if that’s a legit thing and not full tilt nonsense.

Aria gets a rejection letter from Oberlin, which is somehow a surprise to her. Girl, you are NEVER in school and your only extracurricular is spilling paint on/harassing the mentally ill. Re-examine your life.

Ali pops up behind her like a whack-a-mole and tries to tell Aria she’s innocent. Aria responds by pulling out a rape whistle and straight up whistling in Ali’s face. Never mind that they are on a well-lit street surrounded by people.

I like that after five seasons, the best Aria can come up with is a goddamn whistle. I can’t wait for season eight when she shows up with a roll of quarters in a sock!

Meanwhile, Spencer is spinning out about going back to jail. The Liars realize that if they can prove that Ali killed Mona, the cops will connect that crime with Bethany’s murder. I don’t know about that logic, kids: the Rosewood PD can barely connect their heads to their necks.

The best part is when Emily says, “Wait, if it’s so easy to prove Ali’s a killer, wouldn’t we already have done that?” And Aria is basically like, “hey, things are different now. I’ve got a rape whistle. And we’ve come a long way from gently floating evidence down a river!” The Liars decide that the best way to take down Ali is to destroy her alibi.

Meanwhile, Ezra and Mike are doing construction work together like a couple of bros. Ezra is trying to get Mike to talk about his sad Mona feelings, because obviously when you’re grieving a loved one the first person you’d turn to is your sister’s over-age boyfriend.

Hanna has summoned the Grunwald and taken her to Mona’s grave to find out where the body is hidden. Grunwald smells the grave, which is grosstown USA. She says that Rosewood is a psychically constipated environment, which is probably the truest thing anyone’s ever said.

She tells Hanna that Mona and Ali are inextricably connected through secrets and lies, and that they hated each other because they feared each other. Also, Mona’s spirit is not at rest, and her body is somewhere scary and dark with bugs and dirt.

Spencer and Emily go to the DiLaurentis house, where Spencer begs Jason to rat out Ali. Jason is torn because Ali is his sister, but Spencer is like, “I’m your sister too, and I’m not the evil one!.” Meanwhile, Emily is trying to find muffins in the kitchen, and Twitter explodes with lesbian muffin jokes.

Emily steals Ali’s hairbrush and tells Spencer that they should plant her hair in Mona’s house for the police to find. Because planting false evidence is a way better idea than spending the day with your perfect girlfriend. Great plan girls, way to work it through.

Jason questions Ali about that time she left Thanksgiving for like, two hours, but Ali refuses to tell the truth. She swears she didn’t kill Mona, but even Jason is dubious. Looks like that alibi is crumbling.

Aria visits Caleb at his hacker pad and asks him to hack into the Oberlin website to see whether A fucked with her application. Instead of just looking it up, Caleb calls Aria a dummy and tries to teach her to how to hack. Ugh Caleb, must everything be a learning experience with you?!

Meanwhile, Spencer and Emily are breaking into Mona’s house to plant evidence. They’ve both got their hair in buns and are wearing gloves, so we know they are SUPER FUCKING SERIOUS about this mission.

Before they can commit a felony, Spencer discovers a hidden camera in the air vent. They then try to convince Hanna to casually drop the camera thing into conversation with Mrs. Vanderwaal, because Hanna is nothing if not good at casual segues. Hanna visits Mrs. Vanderwaal, who plans to start a children’s library fund in Mona’s name. She hands Hanna a copy of Henry JamesTerminations, which sends Hanna into a Mona flashback.

In the flashback, Mona tells Hanna that she is smarter than Spencer Hastings, and she shouldn’t hide anymore and should shine bright like the beautiful blonde diamond she is. She loved Hanna SO MUCH, you guys.

Over at Rear Window Brew/Ezra’s Books and Bakery, Aria is picking up Mike from work. But Mike’s not there…it’s A with his phone! They scuffle, and A holds a staple gun to Aria’s face. Instead of stapling her beautiful face to the wall, A wraps Aria in some plastic and nails her to the wall. A then takes her laptop and runs.

Over on the only street in Rosewood, Alison and the Grunwald bump into each other and exchange cryptic hellos. Grunwald grabs Ali’s hand and says she’s in her prayers, and Ali is like, “thanks a bunch”. They also stare deeply into each other’s eyes.

The police find the cameras in Mona’s house and watch the video of Mona struggling with the blonde hooded murderer. Jason watches it too, and says that it could be Ali. He also tells the cops about Ali’s turkey day disappearing act, crushing her alibi.

Aria tells Emily about the staple attack and Emily decides to investigate with her instead of giving Paige a ride to the airport. GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! You guys literally investigate every damn day. Drive your perfect girlfriend to airport, you beautiful dummy!

The cops arrive at Ali’s house, and she begs Jason to stall them so she can make a hasty escape. Ali runs out the door when she’s confronted by all four Liars. She tries to pass them, but they hold her down until the cops come.

Ali tells them she’s being framed, and that once she’s gone no one will protect them from A. Wait…Ali was protecting them from A? That’s a stretch, girl. The cops arrest Ali and cart her off to jail.

Over at the Montgomery’s, Aria finally talks to Mike about his grief. He’s upset that everyone is painting a false, rosy portrait of Mona when in fact she was a complicated super genius and master of disguise. Mike finally cries and Aria cries, too.

Emily does the romcom thing where she dramatically rushes to the airport to chase down Paige. Em tries to convince her that with Ali locked up she’ll be safe in Rosewood, but it’s too late.

Paige has had enough of fighting/being kidnapped/terrorized/swimming in water and fear, and needs to live her life like a normal human being.

Paige tells her that this is what’s supposed to happen, and Emily cries that it’s not fair. And she’s right. Because fairness doesn’t factor into emotions like love and heartbreak and loss. The world is a cruel place that often feels like it’s working against you. Fate is never fair. And it’s especially unfair for poor Emily, who loses another in a long line of love interests.

Does it suck losing such a nuanced queer character like Paige McCullers? Absolutely. But I have faith that the Powers That Be behind PLL have a greater plan in mind, a bigger picture that they’re moving the show towards. Still, I can’t help but feel like they could have found a way to integrate Paige into the mystery the same way they did with Toby and Caleb.

In the meantime, if Paige doesn’t return for prom in a spectacular lady tux, I’ll throw my television out the window.

With Ali’s arrest, Spencer is exonerated and the charged against her are dropped.

The Liars sit on Spencer’s porch and commiserate over the day’s drama. Spencer says they should all go on a vacation now that Ali is in jail. In fact, they can all leave Rosewood after graduation. On cue, a fireworks display starts, and huge red A appears in the sky.

Spencer straight up says “I don’t accept this”, which is the Spencer-iest response possible. And Hanna is like, “wtf they allow fireworks in prison?”. Then A makes it literally rain fire on their heads until they hide on the porch.

So for those of you keeping score, the liars have one rape whistle between them and A can rain fire.

While A is going biblical on the Liars, Alison is alone and scared in prison. Don’t worry girl, you’ll be running that joint by the end of the week.

So, what did you think of the winter premiere? Are you as heartbroken over Paily as I am? Hit me up with your feels @ChelseaProcrast

A huge thank you to Nicole, @PLLbigA who pulled all these amazing screencaps. If you love PLL, then you need to follow her on Twitter because she’s got all the good stuff.

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