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“Lost Girl” recap (5.4): Oops, I slept with your son

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo didn’t want to bone anyone because eventually she will lose everyone. But then she got over it. Which is good because a succubus needs sex to feed. Also, sex is awesome.

Well, looks like Bo super got over her dry spell because someone is making with the merriment under her covers. Wait, hold on, just one second…is that Tamsin? Who else is under those covers, besides Frank/Tad? I agree Tamsin, Frank is a much better name. Who names a baby Tad? Ridiculous.

Her solid B+ romp in the hay leaves Tamsin starving for Chinese food, which as fortune would have it Bo walks in with at that very minute. This never happens to me. There needs to be an app for that. Like Uber, but for delivering food after sex. Boom, you’re welcome for your next billion-dollar company, Silicon Valley.

Bo is less than amused at her delivery girl status. Seems Tamsin cut out on her at the pub in the midst of a fight. But instead of returning with weapons, she banged Frank/Tad. But Bo gets over it fairly quickly because Tam-Tam knows that sharing is caring. Which is good because now that her succu-mojo is back Bo is hornier than a monkey with eight dicks. Or, you know, something more feminine and sexy. So, like, a female monkey with eight dildos. Hey, everyone finds different things sexy. Don’t judge.

As Bo gets her blue eyes blazing, a wayward youth runs onto a bus. I say a youth because he appears to be about 18, give or take the age of consent. He also appears to be in trouble, hence the wayward thing. He talks his way onto a bus, for the fare of his grandfather’s watch, and then proceeds to talk to a pretty young lady. She moved to the big city to be a singer, which means, yep, she is dead. An arrow comes from nowhere and the smooth-talking youngster scurries off.

Back at the SuccuShack, Tamsin is amusing herself—quite literally—by telling herself jokes. This one involved lemon chicken and 69. Whatever, you had to be there. The wayward youth bursts into the door and for a minute Tamsin isn’t sure if Bo ordered delivery or not. Delivery boys are like Uber, but for horny succubi.

But the wayward youth isn’t take-out. He is in trouble and looking for help from private investigators Bo-Bo and Tam-Tam. p.s. If you want to spin-off that show, I would watch the hell out of it. Just sayin’.

He tells them he is being followed, hunted really, and asks them for help. He offers to pay them with his grandfather’s watch. Wait a minute, how many watches did his grandfather have? Tamsin doesn’t trust him as far as she wants to throw him on account of his total non-trustability. Yes, I am aware there is a better (and real) word for that.

Tam and Bo have it out about the mission statement for their new P.I. partnership. Also, they discuss the need to find more positive ways to speak to each other. Processing their need to process better? Such lesbians.

Bo says something about the kid seems “familiar.” But Tamsin remains unconvinced. Of course the wayward youth overhears Tamsin telling Bo how she feels in her bones how much trouble he is, so he takes off. But not before ransacking Bo’s bedroom of various valuables, and a Metro Police T-shirt with Hale’s picture on it. So from here on out the wayward youth shall be called Little Shit. It fits him, really.

While Bo and Tamsin are fretting over a lost boy, Dr. Lauren Lewis is fulfilling some Downton Abbey fantasies. A well-dressed butler is walking her across some impeccably kept grounds. Lauren keeps calling him Mr. Bates, much to the Mr. Bates-like character’s chagrin.

He takes her to a galloping Evony Fleurette Marquise, who is exercising (and milking) her ponies. Seems human life is treating the former Morrigan just fine. She found an old, wealthy husband and is now living out all of her Falcon Crest fantasies. Lauren gives the Mr. Bates-like character one more Masterpiece Theatre reference, but then gives up with a resigned, “Only I find me funny.” Oh, Dr. Hotpants, have you ever been on Tumblr? Then you’d know that is so not true.

As terrible and entire family firing as Evony is, I sure missed her. She remains the stone-cold bitch we all know and love. She cares nothing about the precious human life lost in the recent lab incident. As the name of Lauren’s clinic suggests, Evony indeed paid for the entire thing. Her motivation is a tad murky until she mentions the serum Lauren is supposed to be developing for her. So, we can only assume that is a serum to combat Lauren’s Magical Vagina. In which case, we hates it. We hates it forever.

Only the preciousness of Lauren’s Magical Vagina can turn an entire lesbian fandom into Gollum.

Bo and Tamsin have tracked down the Little Shit in an alley. But before they can properly interrogate him they have to process their feelings about their interrogation process. Seriously, such lesbians.

They ultimately find a wad of fake IDs and stolen watches on the kid, but before they can press further an arrow flies through the air and pierces Bo’s shoulder. Tamsin breaks it off and pulls it out. Please, I’m not even trying to make it sound dirty. This show does that on its own.

Now back in the SuccuShack, Tamsin is tending to Bo’s wound. She says she needs to feed, and they joke about Frank/Tad. But Tamsin knows what the lady really needs, and goes in for a kiss. Goes in very eagerly, I might add. The way she looks up at Bo afterward and asks if it’s all “better,” well, I can’t decide if it’s beautiful or heartbreaking. Probably both. This Valkyrie has got it bad, friends. So bad.

The heart may be one of the strongest muscles in the body, but how easily it breaks. Be gentle with all the Valkubus hearts out there, show. The kiss actually does work, briefly. But then the wound returns. So Tamsin, bless her little winged heart, says they just need a few more sweet lady kisses. So she obliges, quite happily.

Just then Lauren arrives with wine and food only to be greeted by blood and kisses. The look on Bo and particularly Tamsin’s face is the look of the totally busted. Poor Tam-Tam. So in love and so afraid to admit it to herself.

Lauren does an immediate about face at the sight of them, but not necessarily why you think. She has to fetch her medical kit…and also process what she has just seen. Like I was saying, lesbians.

Meanwhile at the Dal, Trick is dealing with his own problems. Two thugs come up on him while he is taking out the trash and demand money. But then all of a sudden they hit each other in the head and pass out. That’s right, kiddos, Vex is back.

Trick brings him to Dyson, who is the opposite of pleased to see the last of the Mesmers. But Trick says they’ll need him to figure out what killed three humans on their border. Dyson tells him he has pledged fealty to Bo, but Trick pulls his acting Ash trump card. Sometimes, in the midst of all the Fae upheaval and general plot insanity, I forget there used to be rules to this show.

Lauren has discovered her first love in Bo’s wounded shoulder: science. She has pulled “the equivalent of Fae kryptonite” out of her shoulder from the arrow. I hate to quibble, but isn’t Lauren’s Magical Vagina the equivalent of Fae kryptonite? It turns Fae mortal. It makes Fae lose their powers. The dumb thing in her shoulder is just a parasitic metal that is attracted to other parasitic metals.

Tamsin watches the medical transaction while chowing down on something that looks vaguely like pizza bread. I clearly don’t understand Toronto pizza. When Bo says she is lucky Lauren dropped by, Lauren says, “It’s my professional opinion that you’ve always benefited from human touch.” To which Tamsin chokes on her pizza bread.

So she hops off the counter goes right up and plants a big one on Bo. And then she slowly licks her fingers while staring at Lauren. Well, now, if this isn’t the gay lady equivalent of marking one’s territory in front of another gay lady then I don’t know what is. Go on, ladies, whip them out and we’ll see whose is bigger. I meant their hearts. Obviously, I meant hearts.

Well, now isn’t this an interesting dynamic. Oh how the triangle, or trapezoid or whatever the hell shape it is now, has shifted. As much as I disliked the Lauren and Dyson rivalry for Bo’s heart, I’m rather enjoying this Lauren and Tamsin. The interplay is more playful somehow, yet still no less fierce. Ladies know how to fight for other ladies.

Bo and Tamsin go off to find the Little Shit who is conning some other folks at the Dal. The ladies pull the grifter unceremoniously from his grift and tell him to finally give it up. He tells them he doesn’t know who is hunting him, or even who—or more importantly what—he is. No family, no home, no way to stop the bodies piling up around him. Yes, show, we get it—Lost Boy. I still don’t like this Little Shit, no matter how hard you try to make us.

But Bo feels a strange connection to him. So much so that when he kisses her to help her “heal,” she gets altogether too swoony. There’s just something about this kid, emphasis on kid. Luckily, the Hunter interrupts her barely legal make-out session. It was all just a trap to get him there.

Tamsin and Lauren pop out boasting about Bo’s Oscar-worthy acting. And then Lauren, armed to the teeth with a tranquilizer gun, calls her “12 Years a Babe.” before pumping him full of sedatives. Like, really full. And then she pops junior for good measure when he tries to kill his unconscious assailant.

See, this is what happens to unreleased aggression. All those years as president of PETA in high school does make a gal have residual feelings of rage towards hunters. But Lauren, ever the scientist, realizes she probably shouldn’t be the one with the gun anymore and relinquishes her weapon voluntarily to a stunned Bo and Tamsin.

I rewound that scene like four times. I just love when these characters get to fully be these characters. And nowhere can you see that better than when they’re acting out of character, on purpose. (The out of character not on purpose is an entirely different, and entirely less enjoyable experience.) In other words, more Lauren with a tranq gun, please.

Actually, more Lauren with any weapons—throwing star, tranquilizer guns, Mesopotamian-era hunting knives. It’s all good. p.p.s. Oh, here’s another spin-off idea: The Tranquilizer starring Dr. Lauren Lewis as a rogue doctor ready to put down difficult Fae…for science. Again, I’d watch the hell out of that.

The Hunter wakes up in Lauren’s lab (where she already carbon dated his weaponry, duh) and talks about how the Little Shit, and his kind, slaughtered his whole family. Bo wants to believe him so she gives him the glow touch to see for sure.

The anti-buddy cop show of Dyson and Vex continues across town. Vex is making with the funny about zombies and their bad personal hygiene while Dyson is reading over the case notes of the dead humans.

But then things go from Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy to Who Is Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf in a flash when Dyson grabs Vex by the throat. For a second I’m a little stumped. Why is D so mad at Vexie? And then I remember, and they helpfully remind us, that Vex raised Massimo and Massimo killed Hale so Dyson blames Vex for Hale’s death.

You know, I never bought the whole Daddy Vexie storyline they were trying to sell us with Massimo. It never rung true or made sense. But at least Paul Amos and Kris Holden Ried are acting the hell out of their respective parts. And, as ridiculous as Massimo’s mommy/foster daddy issues were, I give the writers credit for continuity.

Dyson storms off to see Lauren at the clinic. But first he notices a bad smell with his super sniffer. I think they’ve put his special wolf powers to more good use in these first few episodes than they did all last season. But Lauren isn’t too concerned, she says everything smells a little bad in a hospital.

As they look over the dead humans, Vex pops back up. This very much displeases our wolf, who has made it very clear he no longer wants to see our favorite fashion forward Fae. But Vex wants to explain himself, and says he is sad about Hale, too. This even further displeases the wolf who pulls his service weapon and plants it under Vex’s chin. Well, that escalated quickly.

But then our angry wolf makes a good point. It’s not easy always being the good guy. It’s not easy always doing the right thing. It’s not easy amassing such an impressive leather vest collection. For once he’d like to just do the wrong thing.

But Lauren implores him to stop because it won’t fix anything. And it isn’t totally Vex’s fault. Some kids are just bad Origin Seed swallowers. See, I can do continuity, too.

Blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding elsewhere, Bo is being a total non-creeper and watching the Little Shit sleep. He finally wakes up from Lauren’s tranquilizing (also, it seems Bo and Lauren just glibly referring to each other as exes now) groggy and no less annoying. Yes, yes—difficult childhood, murdered mother, choices, no family. We get it Lost Boy, can we please move on?

But Bo doesn’t want to move on. Unless you mean put the moves on because she just can’t stop herself with this kid. And I mean kid. Is he even out of his teens? Come on, Bo, plenty of age-appropriate fish in this pond. Why don’t we just throw the juveniles back in and go for bigger, less jailbaity catches, eh?

Dyson and company have calmed down, sort of, but Vex keeps muttering about his pride and pigs. Dyson overhears and it clicks. The human victims were all symbolic of sacrificial animals: a pig, a bull, a goat. They all seem to be part of some Fae pagan cult, down to the identical brands on all the victims. They connect the dots from the three ritual killings to the three missing bodies from Lauren’s lab. OK, so this whole candle thing got kind of interesting.

Still not interesting is Bo and the child. She wakes up in bed with a lump next to her, but literally because the Little Shit has hit it and run. And he is going straight to kill the Hunter.

Dyson and Vex are following the trail of one of the stolen bodies, but just as they arrive at the door, Bo calls for help about the kid. They take off, and as they leave a woman comes to the door. It’s the candle holder from the elevator. She is very much alive, just as the man next to her is very much something other than alive. His eyes and lips glaze over with some form of electric volt. Hey, does this lady remind anyone else of Glory from Buffy Season 5? Yeah, me too.

At the clinic, the kid is knocking around the Hunter. Lauren is doing her best standing around and telling people to please stop it. (Come on, like 10 minutes age she was pumping people full of sedatives. Someone this badass is not this passive. But I digress.)

Dyson arrives with Vex and immediately recognizes the boy is a shifter who hasn’t shifted yet. In a nice parallel to earlier, he stops him from killing the Hunter because it won’t fix anything. And then he implores him to stop the cycle—the Hunter’s kid has been killing their kind for centuries and vice versa. So Dyson lets him go.

Back at the Dal the two brooding shifters are eating broodily. Bo puts it all together and realizes the kid is Dyson’s kid. Like, he is Dyson’s son. Well, now, isn’t this a perfectly awkward family reunion. Bo said there was something about him that was familiar. Gross, the word you’re now looking for is gross.

A bunch of long-lost father-son angst follows. Dyson never knew his mom was pregnant. That was during his no commitment days. He didn’t know he had a son. Etc. etc. Junior is not impressed and takes off. Good, keep going. This secret son storyline is boring. Dyson Jr. is no replacement for Kenzi and I refuse to have him muddle up our final season. Also, way to cast a kid who looks absolutely nothing like him.

Back in her lab, Lauren is working on her science when Evony storms in. She is a hot ball of messy human emotions. But mostly she is impatient that Lauren has not produced the serum yet to combat her Magical Vagina powers. So she brought along a very old insurance policy. It’s the “most-feared creature known to Fae,” well at least it is this week. It’s also in some form of cryogenic Ark of the Covenant contraption that needs desperately to be plugged in. Good luck with that, doc.

In an alleyway (why is everyone always in alleyways on this show), Dyson runs into the Hunter again. He implores him to leave his son alone. But instead he says he’ll enjoy killing them both. So Dyson has Vex freeze him and then enjoys a rather long soliloquy about the morality of killing bad people. I paraphrased. So he wolfs out and vows to do what feels right from now on. Which is to eat this dude, apparently.

As much as I dislike the wolf pup plot, I kind of like this Dark Dyson plot. It makes him more layered and complex instead of just this noble brooder. Also, I like when they do the wolf effects.

At the Dal, Bo and Tamsin are having normal roomie chit-chat about how awkward it is when you accidentally sleep with your ex boyfriend’s secret son. She swears Tamsin to secrecy to never tell Dyson. They then talk about how there was a time when they thought DyBo would be endgame. But much to the relief of Valkubus and Doccubus fandoms, they also know they’re better as friends.

But then it’s time for some real OTP talks. Tamsin scrunches her eyebrows and tells Bo she was hard on the wolf pup for a reason. She said she knew he was trouble because he was like her when she was younger. She hurt people and did things she wasn’t proud of. But then she gazes lovingly at Bo who replies, “You and me? I think we’re going to be OK.” I don’t know how this fandom does it. I’d be having heart attacks left and right.

Bo leaves to find a still bloodied Dyson drinking in his gym. He is holding a picture of Wolf Pup’s mama. So that’s where he gets his looks, because it’s clearly not from Dyson. She tries to comfort him, but Dyson says—in the nicest way possible—that he just wants to be alone. So she gives him a hug and leaves. But not before Dyson thanks her for watching out for his kid and saying she’d make a great Big Sis for him. Oh, Dyson, if you only knew the Flowers in the Attic you just evoked.

After she leaves, he takes another look at the crime scene photos and realizes the brands form a triangular symbol. He puts them together and then walks away. They start to spark and smolder ominously. And then lighting strikes outside even more ominously.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

These are really hard to do without Kenzi. So this week it falls to Lauren (mostly because of the terrible British accent).

“If you don’t mind me saying, Mr. Bates, the leg is looking much bettah.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

How about we get a little less Mary Kay Letourneau with our cleavage, Bo-Bo.

 

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

 

 

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