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“Lost Girl” recap (5.3): This never happens to me, I swear

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo left Tartarus. Lauren left a ghost. And Kenzi left all of us. Also someone lit a candle in an elevator. I’m assuming it’s to cover a fart, because otherwise I don’t really understand.

Bo-Bo, the one succubus to rule us all, you know I love you. You know I have deep, everlasting respect and admiration for you and everything you do. But, girl, no one wears platform wedges to paint the house. Yet there our gal is decked out in overalls (points for that) and a tank top (double points for that) and those wedges (negative all the points).

Bo is doing a little paint-the-house dance with the world’s smallest roller. What is she, painting a dollhouse? Can we do a crossover because I think Eliza Dushku would do well on this show. A shirtless Dyson comes up behind her talking about preferring a bigger one and, wait, sorry, I just had to throw up a little. Don’t get me wrong, I have grown to like wolf. I just like him better when he is wearing a shirt and not talking/sharing/bragging about his penis with Bo.

Bo tells him the size doesn’t matter, which for lesbians is the most true statement ever. She calls hers cute and proceeds with her painting which, at the rate she is going, will need to be finished in a season six. Sniffle, sniffle, sob. Dyson tries to teach her proper technique and then reminds her of their “no strings” policy. But Bo can’t seem to get it up for him. What? No, I wasn’t just cheering at my television.

Bo makes some excuse about a headache and being thirsty and walks off. So Dyson is left holding his little roller all on his lonesome. Again, not cheering at my television. That would be mean.

At the Dal, it’s karaoke night. Fun! But most of the patrons appear to be Asian. What? Asians aren’t the only people who like karaoke. And not all Asians like karaoke. Some of us are even good drivers. I’m also bad at math and never played the violin, so suck it stereotypes.

Trick seems less than thrilled about the whole thing. Hey, you’re the one who installed the karaoke machine, buddy. A Fae guy named Musashi, who apparently has a lot of money and likes the company of pretty ladies, leaves the stage. While throwing some of his copious coin around, another man who likes to scowl a lot puts something in his drink.

Then his arm candy start making out. I really don’t know why. Maybe there was a lip gloss shortage and they were sharing. I want to complain about it being gratuitous but, you know. Musashi turns his attention away from the kissy face to ice over his glass and reveal the bad thing in his drink. Guess we’ve found out Plot A for the week.

Back in her still unexplained brand-new medical complex, Lauren is showing Dyson the bodies of victims from an unseen elevator crash. Are we to assume that was the same elevator with the woman and the candle? Three bodies were uninjured, yet still killed, and one unknown blood type they found is Fae. She comments on one of the deceased, noting she was “pretty too.” Honey, you need to get out of the lab more. The morgue is no place to hone your flirting skills.

Lauren’s cell phone rings and she visibly flinches. Change your ringtone, girl. Something more soothing, maybe. She lets it ring, but Dyson asks her why. So she picks up and does the fake telemarketer reply. But Dyson knows it was a death threat and Lauren admits they’ve become pretty common now that she has the power to turn the Fae into humans.

I was wondering when Lauren’s magical vagina serum and her use of it on the Morrigan would come up again. Dyson is worried about her, and the powerful weapon she created. But mostly about her, which is sort of sweet. Lauren tries to blow off his concern because you never want your ex’s ex to see you sweat. Even if you two are on good terms. Pride is a heck of a thing.

Speaking of pride, when Lauren tries to change the subject to Bo, he says she is fine and still renovating. Aw, someone is a little touchy about the no touchy. Someone else not OK with it, but dealing with it more directly is Bo who has Googled information on low sex drives. Is there a special Fae WebMD for that sort of stuff?

Tamsin walks up behind her and starts reading her screen which, hello, rude much? Over-the-shoulder screen readers are almost as bad as cellphone photo left-right swipers. I showed you one picture, I didn’t give you the right to scroll through my whole life. As you can see, Bo agrees with my stance on this completely.

Tamsin tells her not to worry, everyone surfs porn. But then she is back to the task at hand which is downing the tray full of drinks and snacks. But the snacks taste like frat bro burps so they decide to go out instead. See, everyone misses Kenzi already. Only she can turn tube cheese into a night at Chez Panisse.

As they hit the town Tamsin asks Bo if she is hungry. Bo is and promptly orders two sausages, but not that kind. Musashi hollas at them from his car about going North of the Border with him. He also implies they’re prostitutes which, again, rude. Bo is ready to send rich douche packing, but Tamsin wants to go and can conveniently speak Japanese. Wait, why exactly? This dude is exactly the kind of dude Tamsin would hate. But, OK, plot device has to work somehow. They get in the car with him and at least our Tam-Tam insists on driving.

Back in her lab Lauren is still putzing around. An assistant comes in to ask if the rest of the staff can leave. A jumpy Lauren gives them her blessing and tells them to “party hearty” because she is an adorable nerd. Of course, next the lights dim and we hear unexplained noises. So our good doctor grabs the nearest weapon, a broom. Well, at least she brandished the pointy end. She also warns whatever is out there she is “very toned.” Show, don’t tell, doctor.

Happily, it’s just the night janitor and Lauren leaves her might broom and scurries off. I still want to see that tone, Dr. Hotpants. Don’t think we’ve forgotten. We will need to independently verify. Labwork might be involved. Hey, this is for science.

The next morning, a hung-over Bo wakes up next to a hung-over Tamsin…in bed. But really in bed, not like fortune cookie in bed. Bo confirms they didn’t, you know, and Tamsin assures her they did not. But then Bo asks if she minds if she does now. Since when did all of Bo’s buddies become flesh-covered snack packs?

Bo is hit with another case of S.D. (Succubus Dysfunction) and says she can’t. Tamsin assumes it’s the morning breath, but it’s not her, it’s Bo. Do they make Fae Viagra? Well, it turns out it’s probably a good thing Bo couldn’t perform because Musashi is in the room with them, twirling a knife like a true creeper.

After some chit chatting and some my-knife-is-bigger-than-your-knifing, Musashi admits a failsafe assassin has been tapped to kill him. So he’ll need two body guards. And, apparently, that’s Bo and Tamsin. Bo isn’t pleased, but Tam-Tam just goes in for more snuggles.

Musashi explains his situation to the ladies over sushi. Tamsin confirms the assassin is some guy named Big Taco who she knew from her bounty hunter days. Then Tamsin drops her chopsticks in awe when she sees a tapestry because she realizes the Musashi they’re talking with is the Musashi of legend.

I’ll spare you the details, but it boils down to him winning some great Fae battle singlehandedly. While he is bragging about his exploits, his only sister spills some tea on him accidently on purpose. So, good, it’s like every other family — dysfunctional.

Someone is trying to kill him because he is ascending, which means he’ll be a god of his ancestors. If the Dawning was a Fae adolescence, is this like Fae menopause? I’m just trying to understand the life cycle because it’s very confusing and also possibly constantly changing.

Across town, Lauren walks into a sweaty gym reluctantly. It’s Dyson’s sweaty gym and she asks him to train her — and also to put on a shirt. Dr. Lauren Lewis: Voice of the Lesbian Fandom. She wants training like Kenzi received, but less in panty removal because she has that on lockdown, and more on self defense.

Dyson invites her immediately into the ring and, goodness, this should be interesting. He asks her to show how she defends herself and starts throwing slow punches. Lauren’s reply is pretty much arm flailing and pleas for mercy. This, coincidentally, is also how I defend myself. I should probably start carrying mace.

Lauren deflects, asking if this is what his foreplay with Bo is like. But clearly our good doctor is a lover not a fighter. Dyson reassures her and says they will find something that will work for her. They’ll run some tests which makes her eyes light up. Sorry, I need to correct my earlier statement. She’s a big adorable nerd goofball lover, not a fighter.

Bo and Tamsin have apparently taken up the job as Musashi’s bodyguards. They’re helping him figure out who put the hit on him when the hit arrives in an alleyway and attacks. But before the assassin can complete the deed, he notices a marking on Musashi’s neck and realizes who he is. So he commits seppuku right in front of him for the grave dishonor he has committed.

OK, can we take a beat? Show, you know I love you. You know I have deep, everlasting respect and admiration for you and everything you do. But, show, why are so many of your storylines with Asian characters so deeply stereotypical? Honor? Karaoke? Guzheng elevator music? It is possible to write compelling plots with Asian characters that do not rely on these frankly tired and very tiring “Ancient Chinese Secret!” kind of approaches.

Look, I know the show is talking about an ancient Japanese clan here and there are certain historic traditions. But the accumulated span of this series has shown precious few Asian characters outside of very traditional Asian settings: A Chinese restaurant, an Asian herb shop, a Japanese sushi restaurant and karaoke night at the local bar. Come on, show, you can do better.

So after that unpleasantness, Bo won’t feed off Tamsin to heal the wound on her arm. So she goes to see the doc to get stitched up. Lauren confesses it’s unusual for her to have to patch Bo up like this, medically speaking. Bo usually is a forget the aspirin and just take to orgasms and call me in the morning kind of patient.

They exchange casual dick jokes, because there’s an unwritten rule that gay ladies secretly love dick jokes, and then Lauren tries to assure Bo her S.D. will pass. Bo confesses to trying with Tamsin and Dyson, the latter causes an involuntary stitch pull from the doctor. So Lauren decides enough with the amateur hour, it’s time to let a medical professional work her magic.

Lauren says, “Trust me. Lie back.” Well, if that’s what the doctor orders. I mean, I didn’t go to medical school so who am I to second guess this sound medical opinion. Science and stuff.

Lauren commences with the neck kisses, which turns into shoulder-blade kisses which turns into…nothing. It turns into nothing because Bo’s sexytimes block returns. Wow, this is bad. If you can resist Lauren’s neck kisses I’d say you’re a terminal case.

So something has taken the suck out of our succubus. Lauren warns her she is vulnerable without her powers, and ability to feed, but Bo promises to be careful. Clearly this translates to, nope, not gonna be careful. So she turns down Lauren’s offer of monitoring and science to work on the case.

So, here’s a question, is Bo still a private investigator? Are Dyson and Tamsin still cops? We haven’t seen much of either since, jeez, I can’t even recall when. They seem so wrapped up in their prophecies and trips to Hell and marrying of really bland and anticlimactic characters. Does anyone on this show still have a day job besides Lauren and Trick?

Speaking of Trick, Bo next goes to grandpa to ask about her mother’s sexual life. Not awkward. Totally chill. Trick fumbles around trying to discuss orgasms. But he boils it down to that old standby, psychological issues. So Bo’s bedroom problems are probably all psychosomatic.

Bo gets back to the case to distract her. Tamsin has some evidence that points to one of Musashi’s brothers. So Bo “investigates” by turning herself into a massage parlor girl. Since I’ve never had a full-body massage I have to ask, do people just turn off their brains in there? Because I can’t tell you how many shows and movies I’ve seen where women sneak into them pretending to be a masseuse to get important information from an unwitting source.

Things go awry, as things often do in these situations, but Bo gets rescued by Musashi’s sister and a large rock. She tells Bo she is getting in the way, because she ordered the hit to save Musashi. Why? Because if he attempts to ascend he’ll turn into a toilet bowl licker or akaname. I am not even making that up. Apparently it’s a thing that happens when you are dishonest to your ancestors. Wow, kind of makes Santa’s threats of coal for being naughty seem like nothing.

Bo picks up what sister is putting down and realizes Musashi is a bona fide bullshit artist. He isn’t the one who won the great battle and we all have a very strong suspicion we know who did instead. But sister says there is dishonor in revealing a truth that blah blah blah. I get it. Is Ralph Macchio going to swoop in and be the man who fights for your honor Karate Kid Part II style, too?

So now Bo is on a mission to get Musashi to admit his dishonor, or something. She suits up in black leather which momentarily relieves me of my annoyance over this plotline. She throws Tamsin another leather outfit and now I’m twice as distracted. Tami is pretty happy about it too because now her Kill Bill fantasies are complete. Mine, too.

Our leather-clad ladies arrive at the ascension ceremony. They’re dressed like ninjas because, of course they are. There are also other ninjas there because, of course there are. A fight ensues with nunchakus and katanas flying everywhere.

But then out of nowhere another fighter flies in on that mystical ray of light and, well, you know where this is going. Everyone takes off their masks and it’s Musashi’s sister. She was the great hero and exalted one all along. But her dumb brother took the credit. The revelation has everyone bowing down (bitches) to the rightful exalted one while Musashi sputters and runs off.

Lauren is back in training with Dyson. She is practicing throwing stars because by God this episode has a theme and it’s going with it. But she is pretty bad at them, despite Dyson’s instructions to throw “from the wrist.” He asks her how she would normally defend herself and Lauren reels off a number of chemicals and concoctions guaranteed to cause everything from unconsciousness to paralysis and death. See, she knows how to wrist it when she is in her element.

She wants to try the axe again, which I’m very sorry we missed, but Dyson says she should stick to the stars. This would all be so much easier if only there was a physics equation she could use. But instead of giving her math, Dyson gives her a new way of thinking about her training. She learns to save herself so she can keep saving others, specifically Bo.

Then she notices Dyson is troubled as well, and presses him. He is convinced that Bo blames him for stopping her from saving Kenzi. But Lauren looks at him like, “Oh, honey, please don’t try to mansplain Bo’s issues to me.” She says she wishes it was that, but it’s that Bo can’t stop blaming herself. Men, always convinced they’re the center of the universe, yet still actually just revolving around the sun with the rest of us.

They do agree, at least, that the weight of the world rests on Bo’s “very attractive shoulders.” He asks how they are doing, you know, couplewise. Lauren goes to the “Bo needs a friend”-place and Dyson tells her now. Bam, the star hits firmly near center. Throwing stars as a form of processing? I can get behind that.

Back at the SuccuShack, Bo is giving herself a Stuart Smalley-like pep talk. You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And people like you. But then Musashi shows up behind her suddenly and stabs her in the gut. A gravely injured Bo crawls to her phone and just doesn’t make it. So, that’s the end of our show. Thanks for watching. It had a good run.

Kidding! There are still 13 episode left, dammit. Bo wakes up groggy in the operating room. Dyson is imploring her to feed. Lauren is working on her wound. Trick is there because for once he isn’t going to miss an important event in Bo’s life. They get her stabilized but things looks bad.

Concerned faces are all around, except for Tamsin who looks kind of pissed. She calls Bo’s actions “really stupid” and proceeds to rip out her IV and generally antagonize Bo into dealing with her real issues.

Gotta love Tamsin because the girl is nothing if not direct. She knows what Bo really wants, to let go. To give up because everyone leaves her anyway. Is this Bo just realizing that everyone dies and we are all ultimately alone in this universe? Don’t most people have this kind of existential crisis a little sooner? There’s also no Santa Claus. Too much?

But this was all about loss. Bo has lost too many people in her life. She is afraid of who is next? Now that she is The One she will lose everyone, except Keanu Reeves who I believe is also The One. I don’t know, you two might have to fight it out for the title.

But what is alone, really? Trick tells her they share the same blood and will always be together. Lauren tells her she stole her heart and she will never ask for it back. Dyson tells her he isn’t going anywhere, ever. Wait, is he immortal? I need to check the rulebook.

All these statements of solidarity get Bo’s eyes to finally blaze blue again. She orders everyone out of the room, everyone except Dyson. Oh man, really? Couldn’t they find some random pizza guy again? I know there are no strings, but wouldn’t it be better just to keep your friends friends? To paraphrase Bruce the Shark, “Friends are friends, NOT FOOD!”

Also, come on, it’s pretty rude to make your ex-girlfriend and current roommate wait for you while you bone your ex very loudly in the other room. Which is exactly what Tamsin and Lauren are doing together awkwardly.

Tamsin asks Lauren if she is OK with all the moaning and banging. She replies that, “Bo and I are friends” so she is OK with all the moaning and banging. Who has a throwing star for her to chuck? Poor lady needs to process immediately.

But instead of getting her frustrations out on a dart board, Lauren puts her hand on Tamsin’s leg. Hey, if Bo can do it with friends why can’t Lauren? Tamsin asks what’s going on. But Lauren is like, anytime a lesbian shows you any kind of physical kindness does not mean she wants to get in your pants.

She says that between the lines because what she actually says is that Tamsin is full of surprises, many of them horrible, but sometimes they’re what everybody needs. Oh, our little Valkyrie. It’s hard to be the truth teller. The bomb thrower. The rebel. But without them, goodness, where would we be.

Now it’s time for Bo to make a little visit to her favorite (least favorite?) Japanese restaurant. She finds Mushashi serving tea. Oh, how the mighty have fallen and all of that. In an ironic twist, the not-so exalted one is now relegated to scrubbing toilets. So akaname if you do and akaname if you don’t. Hey, don’t take credit for things your sister did, buddy.

He rambles on about being a leader and chosen. Bo’s like, cry me a river, putz. I know all about it, and it’s bullshit. Agreed. But I love the dress — and hat.

Lauren is back in her clinic. It’s the last patient of the day which is almost as bad as last day before retirement in TV/movie plots. The patient insisted on seeing her. And then the patient takes the assistant hostage and demands the serum. Lauren remains calm, goes for a vial, draws a needle full and then throwing stars it right into the guy’s neck. Damn, is he gonna be in one hell of a K-Hole after that.

At the SuccuShack Dyson has burnt the popcorn. Tamsin asks him about his bump-and-howl with Bo. But it’s strictly medicinal, so he says. He’s just a lone wolf. Get it. Right, anyway they talk about their jobs as cops for the first time in basically forever.

Tamsin says she isn’t quitting to join Bo’s Private Investigator service, but Dyson thinks she has a talent for it. Please, the police pension alone is reason to stay. But Dyson thinks Bo needs it. Also Kenzi’s gone now so there’s an open position.

Lauren arrives with wine and beer, like a good lesbian should. She tells Dyson she used her gut, and he is dutifully impressed. There is still no word, though, on that unknown Fae blood sample we’ve all forgotten about already. It isn’t in any database. That means it’s either hella old or brand new.

I think. I don’t know. Lauren’s hair looked great in that whole scene.

Bo calls them all to the couch because it’s movie night. Aw, seeing the gang all together like this makes me feel all nostalgic. How many more times will our heroes get together to watch werewolf flicks like this, I wonder? Sniffle, sniffle, sob.

Meanwhile, back in Lauren’s lab, there is more banging going on but not from anyone’s loins this time. The mystery victim from the elevator has risen. She seems disoriented and scared. Is she a zombie? A vampire? Does she want blood or brains?

She stumbles around and comes upon a photo of Bo and Lauren. Then the lab assistant walks in. Terrible timing, lady. The lady, who we now see was the one with the candle in the elevator, asks if she can see her. So is this a body reincarnation thing? Once she confirms she is real, she snaps the assistant’s neck and steals her lipstick.

So, then, who is this lady? I thought she might be Demeter before. But now? If she is, the goddess of the harvest is a lot more neck snappy than I remember from Greek myth.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

There is no Kenzi. So in her absence we turn to Tamsin.

“Um, Kickstarter, hey, you got any money for spycams?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Should you show your grandpa that much cleavage?

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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