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“Top Chef: Boston” recap (12.9): Gronk in the house

Previously on Top Chef: Boston:

And that’s all you really need to know.

JK, a bunch of stuff happened actually. During an sudden death quickfire, Katie got ousted by George (who had previously been sent home in the first sudden death quickfire, so, karma, I guess?), and now he’s back in the competition. For the elimination challenge, the chefs cooked for Top Chef “superfans” and I wept silently.

Also, Adam went home. Anyway, this week, the chefs bring their coffee up onto some kind of awesome looking roof deck with a pool. They reflect upon their Top Chef journey and their lives. Katsuji gets a backstory montage, so probably he’s going home or maybe he’s going to win this week. Hard to say.

The chefs roll up to the kitchen and there stands Rob Gronkowski in all his doofy glory. He and Padma flirt, but you know what? I’m not even that mad about it. I am secure enough in myself and the fact that Gronk is a total meathead to not get jealous. I’m FINE.

Gronk has a hankering for some big ole sausages and apparently Padma does, too. So awkward, so sexual. Let’s get weird, guys! I love it! Anyway, the chefs have an hour to make sausage from scratch. And, wow, it is just rapidfire penis puns during the quickfire today. I’d joke about them or make some of my own, but I AM A LADY, GODDAMNIT. Melissa remarks that it’s a sausage party. Mmmhmm, I see you, girl.

George, seemingly, has no fucking idea what he’s doing. Go home, George! I’m over you and your pronunciation of kalamata (#neverforget). To be fair, a lot of people have trouble, and there are many a tiny and/or uncased sausage about the kitchen (lulz tiny, uncased sausages-OK, fine, I’m not a lady). Gronk actually sounds more like Groot than a human person as he daintily picks up some garnish off Melissa’s plate.

George, you’re such a dummy. First of all, he didn’t properly wrap his sausage up tight (always wrap your sausages, bros!). Secondly, he awkwardly tells Rob Gronkowski that he’s a football fan, but not a fan of the Gronk. ::facepalm:: That man could murder you with one hand, George. Plus, your football team (the Washington one) has a racist name and, also, is not very good at football.

Melissa is on the bottom, because her sausage was too small. Size doesn’t matter, Gronk! Gregory is also on the bottom. I wouldn’t feel too bad, though, guys. Something tells me Gronk’s preferences are not the pinnacle of culinary excellence. Doug and George are on top, and, somehow, George fucking wins. Ugh. GO HOME GEORGE. (Except that he won’t go home this week because he just won immunity. GDI.)

Elimination Challenge: Padma introduces guest judge Chef Tony Maws, who rolls in a bookshelf. It’s a literary challenge! Awwwwww yeah- pumped about this one, guys. The chefs have to create a dish inspired by one of six writers from New England. Gregory chooses Edgar Allen Poe and Katsuji chooses Stephen King, so they’ll probably keep things dark and weird.

George picks Dr. Seuss and Padma’s like, “No green eggs and ham! Lulz!” But I think George was seriously considering that, because there is fear in his eyes as he forces himself to laugh along with her. Mei goes with Henry David Thoreau, but potentially has little to no idea who that is. Make some mushrooms or other earthy shit and call it a day, girl! Melissa selects Nathaniel Hawthorne, which leaves Doug with Emily Dickinson. He’s not pleased about it.

The chefs discuss the literary works they will be using. Katsuji is choosing to be inspired by Carrie. Carrie,”guys. You know the one? With the prom and the blood? WHAT COULD GO WRONG? George is doing One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Whatever, George. (Sidenote: I’m not sure why I dislike him so much. I’m sure he’s perfectly nice, but I just can’t get down with him.)

Melissa is building a dish around a story called The Blithedale Romance, which I have actually never read. It’s apparently all about the ups and downs of life on a farm, so she’s going to try to have all the seasons on her plate. This sounds risky and I’m nervous. Gotta say, though: I’m really into Melissa’s short-sleeved collared shirt collection.

Gregory tells us about his past; how he read many of these works at boarding school, when he was just a wee babygay. Aww Gregory! Did you wear a lot of ties, tell everyone that you “just don’t date,” and go to premieres of The L Word? Because that’s what I did when I was a babygay.

Anyway, the chefs get to the kitchen and begin prepping. Oh my lord, Katsuji is making a beet puree to represent blood. Oh no, disaster in the making. George is making seafood, blah blah, who cares. Doug is making carrot soup and he knows it’s gotta be the best gosh darn carrot soup that Tom has ever tasted! (Protip, Doug: Do not skimp on the salt.)

Mei drew out her plate as a little diagram and it is pretty adorable. She doesn’t think she’s artsy, but I am (kind of) an artist and I say don’t sell yourself short! Mei made a charred onion “soil,” and, I have to say, it looks pretty spot on. Melissa is also doing a plate that kind of looks garden-y. BBs! Don’t fight! You can both have beautiful food gardens in my heart!

Gregory presents his Raven-inspired dish, and the judges love it. “That’s so raven!” They shout in unison. Only problem is that the guest judge’s meat was a little overdone. Also, some pretentious-looking random author guy at the restaurant thinks his symbolism is a “stretch.” OK.

George serves his dumb Dr. Suess dish. It’s tasty, but boring. Dumb. Mei presents her Walden-esque vegetarian plate. Gail was worried that her “soil” and “snow” were going to be all style and no substance, but she is pleasantly surprised by the amount of flavor in them. Mei’s like, “I know. I’m a boss.”

Melissa presents her dish, nervous the judges won’t totally connect to her story. She shouldn’t be though, because they love it! Yay! Tom loves the light “spring” flavors and totally gets the addition of the dark “autumnal” broth. And then there’s Katsuji.

Katsuji offers up his plate, but can’t remember the name of his author. Ouch. He recovers, however, and describes his food. Tom calls it the most unappetizing dish he’s ever seen. That being said, they judges mostly like it. They praise him for really going for it, which I guess is one way to say it.

Doug presents his “sunset in a cup” Emily Dickinson-inspired carrot soup. It’s certainly pretty, and the judges commend him for getting a really deep, intense carrot flavor. Tom has been somewhat uncharacteristically effusive this ep (across the board, really) and so he waxes poetic for a moment about his wedding, sunsets, and the meaning of life. That Tom. Just when you think you know a guy, right?

Both the judges and the chefs are all kind of like IDK MAN all this food was real good? Who wins? Who goes home? No one knows. Fucking George, man, he probably SHOULD go home. DAMNIT GRONK, this is all your fault.

Judges’ Table: Melissa, Mei, and Doug are on top-booooo yah! The judges were super impressed with all three, but, as always, there can only be one winner. It’s Mei! Best vegetables EVAR!

On the bottom this week, we have Gregory and Katsuji. Gregory’s symbolism didn’t quite translate for the judges, while Katsuji’s risky and interesting plating couldn’t mask the fact that some of his food wasn’t great. Tom remarks that for one of them, today will be their last chapter. Man, I wish I had thought to keep track of all the puns on this season of Top Chef.

Katsuji is going home. Tom gives him a backhanded compliment, all, “I didn’t think you’d make it far at all. Like not even a little. But here you are! Don’t be glum about it!” I have to say, I’m a little bummed Katsuji is going home. That crazy guy was really growing on me. Group hugs, all around.

Next week: College students! No one can cook their meat! George goes home (I hope)!

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