“The Real World: Skeletons” recap (30.1): Meet the Housemates

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Wow. The Real World Season 30. This show is downright geriatric. To keep things fresh, last season the producers busted out the U-Hauls and moved cast members’ exes in the house, and frightful amounts of insanity ensued. It seemed that every bouncer in San Francisco was hired to keep the roommates from killing each other.

This season, in Chicago, everyone’s past will also be trotted out in all its grotesque glory. Each cast member has a dark secret–their skeletons–and each week, a new roommate from someone’s past will bang on the door and move in. This should go smoothly!

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Let’s meet the roommates. Tony, Jason and Bruno are the guys, and they all come across as affable bro dudes. And here are the ladies, sorted in the order of least annoying voice to most annoying: Violetta, Sylvia, Nicole and Madison. Nicole, bellowing in her Staten Island accent, even acknowledges on camera that Madison’s voice is more annoying than hers.

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The entire cast likes to drink and party, which means that this season should be as much of a mess as all the other seasons since Las Vegas, if not more. The roommates get dressed in anticipation of a night out. Madison decides to travel light, wearing a too-short dress with no panties, giving everyone a constant view of the land down under.

Nicole and Bruno become BFFs instantly. Nicole tells Bruno she’s into girls, and Bruno tells her he is into girls too. They joke that they can watch each other as they get it on. Because that’s what friends are for.

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At the club, everyone is having a good time. Nicole is hitting on every other girl, and the drinks are flowing. They are flowing a bit too much, and finally Violetta informs everyone that they have run up a $800 bar tab. Madison tells the group that she only has $50, which angers Sylvia and Violetta, and the first fight of the season is narrowly averted by the boys jumping between the squabbling ladies. Violetta pays most of the bill, and the roommates go home.

Everyone is three sheets to the wind at this point, and the situation only gets more absurd from here. Madison is upset and complains in her high pitched whine that all the girls hate her, and to make everything all better, Tony starts making out with her. Madison goes upstairs, and Violetta uses this chance to hit on Tony, who does not mind the attention. Nicole has passed out, so three roommates haul her snoring body to one of the bedrooms and deposit her on the bed. Madison sees Violetta flirting with Tony and starts objecting to her encroachment, and another fight is averted as the two are separated. Violetta and Sylvia retreat to a bench with Bruno. Violetta starts kissing Bruno. Then she turns around and kisses Sylvia. I can’t keep count!

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The next morning Violetta attempts to make breakfast, but she is no Cat Cora and burns all the food, much to the annoyance of her roommates. Madison gives the group $100 for the previous night and Sylvia and Violetta feel guilty that they were so aggressive towards her the night before. Tequila is a hell of a drug.

Later, Sylvia and Bruno start hitting it off, and they escape to the confessional, where they start making out with each other.

Then we start finding out about the roommates’ backgrounds, which gives us clues as to who could end up moving in with the cast. Violetta tells Bruno that she was bullied as a child, because she was an immigrant and did not speak English. To compensate, she became a bully herself. Will someone she tormented in the past move in later this season?

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Tony’s secret is that he has an ex who has been stalking him. Well, this one was easy. Tony better put a jimmy proof deadlock on his bedroom door.

Madison’s secret is that she has a history of stealing. We will find out why as the season unfolds. Perhaps someone will come by and repossess their belongings. The one thing we do know is that she most certainly did not steal any panties.

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