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“Once Upon a Time” recap (4.12): Love is an Open Portal

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Elsa came to town looking for Anna, the Snow Queen wreaked havoc trying to force Emma and Elsa to be her sisters to replace the ones she lost, and Rumple took control of Hook, making him slightly more deviant than he already was, and Regina was in search of her happy ending.

Now that the Snow Queen is dead and gone, Elsa easily takes down the ice wall. Anna is about to skip right out of town, but Emma stops her. Because of the myriad of curses constantly being put upon it, the town line is 1000% done with everyone and has decided that if you’re going to leave Storybrooke, you can never come back. Elsa points out that they are in a different realm from Arendelle anyway, so it’s not like they could ride a magic ice wave there anyway. Emma says they need to have a portal, but Elsa’s in no rush; she kinda likes this quirky little town with no clothing shops, and she’s still exploring these weird butterfly feelings she gets whenever Emma takes her hand. Anna and Kristoff wring their hands and realize they forgot to tell the Queen of Arendelle that she’s technically not currently queen because Hans sort of kind of took over. Elsa changes her tune and will explore her sexuality back in Arendelle. Back at Gold’s shop, Hook gets the information about the town line literally squeezed out of him. Gold doesn’t want Anna realizing who he is, so he forces Hook to make sure Anna doesn’t go anywhere near Gold’s shop. Gold is so close to giving Belle the life she always wanted, he can practically taste in on his probably-forked tongue.

Flash back to Belle poking around Rumpelstiltskin’s castle. She starts to pick up a sword when Rumple appears, saying it seems she’s learned nothing from the whole West Wing incident. She tells him he’s a waste of a magic traveler, because all she wants is to travel and she’s trapped in a castle, and he doesn’t so much as share his stories with her. He tries to be intimidating but she laughs and points out that a) if he was going to kill her, he would have by now and b) he’s literally sparkly. Rumple hands Belle his newest trinket, a gauntlet, and tells her that it’s used to find a person’s weakness, which is generally whatever they love the most. She asks why the all-powerful Rumpelstiltskin needs anything besides his powers, and he says even the experts like a cheat code now and then.

In present-day Storybrooke, Regina returns Marian’s heart to her and Robin hugs her like he hadn’t had sex with Regina like one room away very recently. Regina goes to Granny’s to mope about it, but Marian finds her and thanks her for saving her life…again. Marian may have spent half of the season so far as a human popsicle, but her being frozen didn’t affect her vision, and she knows Robin and Regina are in love. Marian isn’t interested in being someone’s obligation, and really doesn’t want to deal with Robin’s pouty face for the rest of her life, so she says she’ll step out of Regina’s way if it will make Robin happy. Across town, Gold and Hook follow a broom to the Sorcerer’s house, knowing a portal is nearby. And sure enough, the broom waves his little stick arms around a bit, and a door appears in the middle of the room.

Belle is in the shop packing her bag for her trip to NYC with Gold when Henry comes in, calling her Grandma, and warning her about the curse on the town line. Belle is sure Gold has thought of a solution to that already, otherwise he would have mentioned it. Henry shows her the Storybrooke Storybook and Belle tells him not to worry about Regina, because she’s on a better path. She’ll realize Emma is her happy ending aaaany day now. Henry helps Grandma Belle look for a second suitcase while telling her all about the NY Public Library when he knocks over a pile of stuff. Belle sees the gauntlet in the pile and has a PTSD flashback.

In this flashback, Belle is out back begrudgingly doing Rumple’s laundry when an adorable dalmatian puppy comes along. Understandably, she follows the puppy (who is probably named Lucky…or maybe just Bait) into the forest… …and is kidnapped. My mother always says that no amount of Very Special Episodes of anything would ever keep me from following even the sketchiest of men into the sketchiest of vans if they said they needed help finding a puppy (like, even now that I’m 27, is still convinced that I will one day be abducted this way) so you better believe if someone used an actual real life adorable puppy as bait, I too would be screwed.

Present-day Hook finds Emma and her Frozen friends at Granny’s. And look, I know I complain about no one ever getting anyone from other realms new clothes even though the Storybrooke residents change daily, but seeing these three in Arendelle garb sitting at a modern-day diner is just such wonderful juxtaposition, I can’t hate it. Hook pulls Emma aside and tells her that he found a portal. Emma thinks he’s being weird, and it turns out that this is because it’s not currently Hook at all, but a Hook-Puppet controlled by Gold. Hook-Puppet swears everything’s fine and kisses Emma, which, EW, and promises everything that he has told her is totally legit.

Flashback to Rumple looking for Belle in the backyard. For a moment, he’s worried she ran away, but a crow drops a sand dollar at his feet and he picks it up to receive a hologram message from Belle, telling him to come to Demon’s Bluff with the gauntlet. Rumple knows exactly who this crow/sand dollar combo message came from and shakes his fist in the sky.

In Storybrooke, Regina and Robin Hood watch Marian and Roland play by the river and are flirting just feet from his wife and child. Robin goes so far as to give her the page of the two of them kissing. As if karma herself decided to intervene, in that moment, Marian collapses. Regina and Robin rush to her side to find her blue in the lips like she’s getting frozen all over again. Regina can only think of one solution: They have to go over the town line to the land without magic and never come back.

Regina is sitting in her car at the town line, watching Robin Hood and Maid Marian say their goodbyes, when Gold gets in the passenger seat. He says he’s there to say goodbyes of his own, and asks her to send one to Henry as well. Regina asks him how he got to have a happy ending, when he’s not only more evil than her, but sort of is the reason she’s evil in the first place. He smirks and says he’s getting a happy ending merely because he took it. He tells her to do the same, to let Marian die, but Regina isn’t ready to go back to her old ways just for the chance to be happy again. Besides, she likes playing for the same team as Emma Swan.

Regina gives Robin Hood directions to a nearby diner, a map, and some money. He thanks her, but Marian is getting worse, so there’s no time to dawdle. Marian shivers out a ‘thank you’ and Marian and Roland step over the town line. Marian is instantly cured, but they can’t even see Storybrooke anymore, let alone get back in. It’s lucky they can’t though, because Robin Hood, despite the fact that HE can still see Marian, kisses Regina goodbye before leaving himself. Regina rips up the page Robin gave her and stalks off.

Flashback Rumpelstiltskin goes to Demon’s Bluff with the gauntlet and a tied-up Belle appears, soon followed by a flock of crows that swoop together to form Maleficent.

He uses his favorite magic chokehold and asks if she has any last words. She does, and they’re, “I’m not alone.” Tentacles come in and grab Belle, and Ursula slinks onto the screen. Next to appear is Cruella DeVille, arguably not a fairytale villain, but a villain all the same. She immediately sasses Rumple (she asks him if he needs a stepstool to look in her eyes while he threatens her) so she can stay. He eventually hands over the gauntlet and the women release Belle. He asks what their deal is anyway, and they confess that they’re after what everyone is after these days: They want to tip the hero/villain scales. They too want their happy ending.

After they leave, Belle asks why he cares if she lives or dies, but he says he doesn’t, it’s just the principle of the thing.

Present-day Team Storybrooke head to the Sorcerer’s house at Hook’s instruction and find the door. Anna recognizes Arendelle symbols on it and is more than thrilled to go home. They say goodbye to Emma and the Storybrooke crew, grateful for all they’ve done for the sister of Arendelle.

Elsa gives Emma a special hug; she’s learned a lot from her, about herself, during her stay. Anna asks about this Mr. Gold she’s heard so much about on the trip over here, and wonders who he was before the curse. When Emma says, “Rumpelstiltskin,” Anna gasps and Emma is concerned. Gold had sworn up and down he didn’t know Anna, but it is now very clear that Anna knows him. Emma now knows Gold was playing them this whole time, though why she is surprised, I’m not sure.

Gold has Hook by the heart, ready to crush it as soon as the stars align. Emma and Mary Margaret come in just in time, but Gold freezes them before they can be of any use. Gold starts to squeeze Hook’s heart, but finds himself unable to smoosh it. He doesn’t understand why until Belle speaks up. She has the Dark One’s dagger and commands him to drop the hat, release everyone, and poof them to the town line. Once they’re alone at the town line, Belle tells her husband that she used the gauntlet to find what he loves the most, and it lead her right to the real dagger. So not only does she now know he loves power more than her, but she also knows he’s been lying to her this whole time, about trusting her with the dagger. She realizes now that she was blinded, only seeing what she wanted to see, ignoring the signs that he was still just as evil as he ever. She tells him he’ll never love anything more than he loves power, and Gold tries to spin it into being a good thing, but Belle’s not having it.

Belle says she now sees that she used to be able to see the humanity in him, but now all she sees is the Beast. She holds up the dagger and demands he leave Storybrooke, once and for all. He says he doesn’t want to lose her, but she says he already has. He steps over the town line, and they both cry. In Arendelle, Anna is finally dressed for the wedding she has put off. She’s worried that her hair isn’t quite right without her quintessential braids, but Elsa tells her she looks perfect. She pulls on long white gloves and says they’re to cover the bruise. Elsa beams at the sight of the bruise, and reminds her sister that Hans’s eye is much worse for wear. Elsa asks Anna why she waited to get married, why she was so hell-bent on getting answers first. Anna admits that she wanted to wait to walk down the aisle until Elsa was happy, and Elsa swears that she is. Just then, they smell something wonderful, and they realize in unison, that it’s chocolate, and it’s a perfectly acted moment straight from the movie and it’s glorious. Elsa and Anna take each other’s hand, Anna’s hand covered in a glove and Elsa’s hand uncovered, for once, and they walk out the door towards Anna’s happy ending, or happy beginning, and we say goodbye to the sisters of Arendelle. At least until Frozen 2 comes out.

In Storybrooke, Emma unceremoniously shoves Hook’s heart back in his chest. He kisses her, but she soon leaves him, because she has more important things to do.

Emma sidles up next to Regina, who is once again moping at Granny’s counter, and who tells Emma that she’s very much not interested in a speech about faith, trust, and fairy dust right now. Emma says that’s not really her deal, that’s more her mother’s forte, and that Regina doesn’t need a speech right now. She needs a drinking buddy. She orders them shots and offers Regina something she knows will make her smile: Gold isn’t getting his happy ending either. This does prove to cheer Regina up, but before they can take the shots and make some truly delicious “bad” decisions, Henry interrupts and tells his moms they really need to come with him to the Sorcerer’s house.

Henry leads them to a secret door he found that opens into a library of sorts. However, it’s not an ordinary library, because on each shelf is a book just like his own Storybrooke Storybook, except it’s completely blank. They know now that the Sorcerer is the author they have been looking for. Henry and Regina fill Emma in on Operation Mongoose and she immediately says she’s in. Regina is surprised, but Emma reminds her that she promised her a happy ending and a happy ending she’s going to give her. Regina downright beams at Emma. Flashback Rumple tells the women he calls the Queens of Darkness that they should work together to make their own happy endings, since Rumpelstiltskin always wins. Six weeks from his exile from Storybrooke, Gold meanders through Manhattan and finds Ursula working in an aquarium. He tells her that he knows someone who can change the rules of storybooks, we’ll call him The Author, but he needs her help. He tells her the heroes are standing in their way, and she can either keep mucking around with flotsam and jetsam or she can come with him. When she seems ready to follow him, he tells her they have two more stops to make, and I’d bet my bottom dollar that those stops will be at a puppy store and an aviary.

And that’s all for our winter finale, folks! What did you think of “Heroes and Villains”?

We don’t have another episode ’til March 1st, but the #queerytales tag will always be there, or you can just shout RUUUUBYYYYY with me @PunkyStarshine. Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week!

 

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