“Lost Girl” recap (5.1): “You kind of peaked at ‘sack of tits'”

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Previously on Lost Girl: Bo spent an entire season trying to figure out whether a dude she met on a train was worth dumping her friends over. They got married, but then he died so it’s cool. Tamsin is not-so secretly in love with Bo. Lauren has a not-so secret magic vagina. Kenzi is not-so secretly Bo’s heart. Kissing, kissing, kissing. Hale died. Kenzi sacrificed herself. More kissing. Lauren gave Bo a necklace of her magical vagina (essentially). And now Bo is looking for a killer pair of Hell Shoes.

Wait, where are we? Is that the Grand Canyon? Why is Bo in the Grand Canyon? Has she decided to finally, fully embrace lesbianism and open a small turquoise jewelry shop in Arizona? She can also sell dreamcatchers and self-brewed herbal teas.

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Oh, sorry, she’s not scouting store locations? She is searching for the other Hell Shoe. I think. It’s still possible she might be trying to collect giant feathers from whatever outsized mystical bird nest she has just found for those dreamcatchers. A girl can dream.

Nope, I was right. It’s that Hell Shoe. And in grand Lost Girl tradition, the series sets up a mission that seems impossible and treacherous and monumental and arduous, only to resolve it in less than three minutes. Cough, The Yawning, cough. Oh, show, you know I love you, but this is no way to kick off a season premiere.

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Also, I have so many questions. How did the Hell Shoe get there? Why does a bird thing have it? What lead Bo to Arizona? Is it still possible she is opening that turquoise jewelry shop?

Anna Silk shows off her post-post pregnancy season body to full effect in the rock-climbing scene. But then she loses her grip and plummets to what should be a certain death. Instead it just results in a nasty arm gash and possible coma. Luckily, some rapey back-hills mouth-breathers come along and threaten her unconscious body with sexual violence. That is not a sentence I ever thought I would write or ever hope to write again.

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Bo super sucks (not in that way, what is wrong with you?) the unsavory characters and leaves the rapiest of them with some serious damage to his manhood and future ability to perpetuate sexual menace. It should be noted that throughout this entire scene Bo is most definitely wearing Lauren’s Magical Vagina Necklace.

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Bo returns home (But seriously, how close is Arizona to Bo’s place. Did she fly commercial? Can you imagine her trying to get those knives through TSA?) and searches for the other shoe in its hiding place. When it’s not there she screams for her “roommate” with annoyance.

Look, it’s Tam-Tam and her OTP: Fruity Pebbles cereal. Tamsin offers a lame denial, but then issues a renewed warning about using both the Hell Shoes to rescue Kenzi from Valhalla. Bo wants to know why she shouldn’t go. But Tamsin can’t tell her why. Not even if the reason was sexy dragons.

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Tamsin tells her the next-in-charge after the dead Una Mens has the other shoe. So that would be Trick. He is with Dyson at the Dal Riata discussing the optimal cuts for men’s leather vests, I’m assuming. Grandpa warns her against going to Valhalla, too. But Bo is having none of it, and also passive aggressively zings Dyson for holding her back from saving Kenzi in the first place. So Trick gives her the shoe and tells the worthy hero to go get Kenz back. He also tells her to say hi to her G-Ma if she sees her.

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