“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.14): Little Pianists, Slutty Elves, and Santa Boxers

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Hey Liars! Welcome to a very special Rosewood Christmas, where lesbians scamper through the snow in white tank tops and reindeer wear masks of other reindeer on their faces!

When we last saw the liars, Spencer had been arrested for murder, Toby finished police academy in five days and immediately broke his leg like he’s some sort of Quinn Fabray, and worst of all, our beloved Mona was murdered by A.

We open with the Liars walking down the snowy streets and looking at window displays. Spencer tells the gang that she and Toby are exchanging gestures instead of gifts this year, on account of the whole “out on bail” sitch. Hanna is also in a bah humbug mood, as she had promised Mona they would be best friends forever and definitely not get murdered. We then get a flashback to their BFF glory days, where Mona wishes to lock Hanna in her pocket and Hannah wishes for Jimmy Choos. Mona is all, “it’s okay boo, we’ll just steal them” and they laugh like the petty criminals they are. Those were the days.

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Sidebar: did anyone else spot the menorah-mobile on the street?

The Liars talk about Ali’s upcoming Christmas charity ice ball and how they would rather dance on dead monkeys than show up. A fancy pants lawyer shows up and gives Hanna an envelope. Turns out that Mona made a will (because of course she did) and left a map to all of Ali’s hidey-holes. If the girls can find evidence that Ali killed Bethany, then maybe they can keep Spencer out of prison.

Then, Aria gives a passing Santa a donation and he gives her a snow globe with the Liars faces on it. HOW DID “A” KNOW ARIA WOULD TIP SANTA? The globe tells them that “A” takes a holiday, which is bullshit because omnipresent beings don’t need holidays.

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Over at the DiLaurentis house, Ali is visited by the ghost of her mother, who Jacob Marley’s the crap out of her. Looks like Ali is getting her own Scrooge story! Ali flashes back to her childhood, and guess who’s there? Ghost Mona! She looks fabulous, like a goth version of Elsa from Frozen.

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In the flashback, we see a young Ali playing the piano and finding two presents inside. Momma DiLaurentis sees this and promptly loses her shit, telling Ali that she has to lie about the second present or her father will leave them. Seems reasonable.

She makes Ali practice her lie, and it’s basically an origin story of lying. But if Mrs. DiLaurentis was so concerned about anyone finding the second present, then why did she hide it with the first? I’m guessing the copy present is for Bethany, who is maybe Ali’s twin/identical cousin/basement monster.

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Over at the Hastings house, Toby is laid up with a broken leg and a camera, in an homage to Hitchcock’s Rear Window. He’ll be on lookout while Spencer raids Ali’s house for evidence during the ice ball. More importantly, Spencer wears a sexy santa outfit, which is a gift for all of us.

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Speaking of sexy Christmas outfits, Hanna is dressed as a slutty elf in church and gives presents to deaf children. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. She and Caleb watch some baby liars get bossed around by a baby Ali. Hanna tries to drop some hard truth on the kids but even they know not to listen to an elf from the wrong side of the tracks.

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