Archive

AfterEllen.com’s Gift Guide for the Gay Girl 2014

It’s that time of year where the AfterEllen writers get together to bring you our annual guide to the fun (and sometimes fancy) gifts for the lesbian/bi/queer ladies in your life. These suggestions come in a variety of price points, so whether you are planning a lavish holiday or sticking to a tight budget, you are bound to find some fantastic presents. You may even want to treat yourself to a little prezzie, too.

We make sure to include women and lesbian owned businesses and artisans because we are committed to supporting our community. We’ll be featuring more of those vendors throughout the next month, so if you don’t see them here, come back for more suggested places to become patrons this season.

Now feast your eyes on these amazing gifts for your baes, boos and bffs!

On behalf of all of us at AfterEllen, happy holidays.

A few years ago I started to refer to myself as a functional femme; the kinda girl who puts make up on to go to the gym, hikes in yoga pants, enjoys getting dressed up but only wears heels that can be walked in all night without getting a blister. (I have a history of taking my diamond earrings off to use the hook to pick a lock.) Think Luce from Imagine Me & You or corset-wearing, bone-cracking Dr. Callie Torres from Grey’s Anatomy. The goal is to be girly without being too big a pain in the ass.

1. A petite makeup bag for the girly girl on the go. Forever 21 has a slew of designs. My favorites are the Caturday pouch set and the striped midsize “Real/Fake” graphic and top zipper.

2. Hot Pink Mace Gun. Nothing says “I love you and I want to keep you safe” like a hot pink Mace Gun. This particular model is described as the “most accurate non-lethal self defense pepper spray available” with the “convenience and accuracy of a point-and-shoot handgun.” That’s right-this lady can defend herself in a threatening situation and look adorable while doing it! ($59.99)

3. Automatic Cordless Tire Inflator. A functional femme can take care of her own flat tire and say, “I got this” without breaking a nail. ($89.95)

4. Aviator sunglasses. Owning a pair is a rite of passage for us queer ladies. (Unless you don’t like aviators, in which case never mind.) For me, aviators give off a Top Gun toughness and Gucci has 51mm Aviator Sunglasses in adorable pastel colors, including Pink Ruthenium. ($395)

5. A weekend of Glamping. If you don’t already know, glamping is a fusion of glamour and camping. Get back into nature without having to build your own fire or swat flies away from your tent. Worldwide luxury camping destinations can be found at glamping.com. (unlimited)

-Bridget McManus

Many of us have a person in our lives who we suspect might be a little (or a lot) less straight than she claims to be, but she either doesn’t know it yet, or isn’t ready to come out. Maybe you’re shopping for Kristen Stewart, and she has enough loose-fitting drawstring pants. How do you give a gift to such a person without offending or alienating her? Sure, you could be like all the others and buy her a neutrally scented body wash, or a book about snails, but you’re not her aunt who lives in Iowa. The following gifts will help you help HER by either relieving some of the frustration a closeted life brings, or by gently showing your Closet Case that there’s a better way. A GAY WAY. A gway. You get the idea. Happy hunting, gaydies.

1. The Morrow Guide to Knots. On the surface, this is a book from the 1970s that teaches you how to tie knots for “sailing, fishing, camping, and climbing,” but in truth, it DOES SO MUCH MORE, especially for a closet case. One, all the best gaydies (even those not out yet) should know how to tie a few decent knots-for practical reasons, to impress your lady on U-Haul day, “You sure tied that cheap, futon mattress on like a CHAMP,” and, lastly, to impress your lady on U-Haul night, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. That’s right, The Morrow Guide is also a (cleverly disguised) beginners guide to sexy rope-tying, but one you can also leave on the coffee table, as no one meddlesome relatives or friends will be the wiser. Perfect for the knotty closet case in your life ($10).

2. Bliss Bullet. If she’s firmly in the closet, that means she’s also probably more sexually frustrated than a sparkly celibate vampire in a mormon fantasy trilogy! Why not help her get by with a little help from her vibrating friend, as The Beatles never put it? Bullets are easy to hide away in drawers, not loud enough to startle roommates or any libertarian raccoons that might be nearby, and orgasms are always good for our mental and emotional health. So it’s a win-win-win ($16).

3. Tipping the Velvet. Worth it for the sex scenes alone, this iconic book by Sarah Waters is also a compelling, engaging, and smart romp through Victorian England with Nan, an oyster shucker and budding queer lady. Since straight-up (sorry) queer erotica would be TOO OBVIOUS for your closet case, queer-erotica-in-the-guise-of-excellent-literature is the next best thing. Plus, this book contains possibly the best description of a Victorian-era dildo ever written ($14).

4. Roller Derby classes. Because closet cases can’t readily scratch their lady-itches, they tend to express their desires by getting A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATELY PHYSICAL with other ladies (quite possibly you). What better way to help your closeted friend get the touch she craves than with a roller derby class? Many derby teams (check your local listings to see if there’s one near you) offer “boot camps” for beginners and advanced skaters alike, which are fun, feisty, and let you knock boots with a number of hot ladies without, you know, actually knocking boots. (varies)

5. A toaster. A toaster gift is both functional AND a kitchen accessory, meaning it will always make the Approved List of Queer Presents, but it also has the added bonus of being a secret lesbian joke (the story goes that when you “recruit” a lesbian from within your ranks, you’re rewarded with a toaster). So once your closet case finally comes out, you can technically take the toaster back for yourself, making it LITERALLY A GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING. ($16—$80)

5a. Bonus gift: A swift kick in the pants. Closeted people are far more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and stress-related illnesses. If it’s appropriate, help her help herself with some Coming Out resources to put in her stocking or inbox. (free)

– Anna Pulley

We all know someone like her. We call her movie-lover. Film Fanatic. Cinephile.

She owns all the classic queer films and keeps current by attending the local LGBT Film Festival every year. She has the Fandango and Flixster apps on her phone so that she can find a movie playing anywhere at anytime. She also has the IMDB app, though she rarely needs it. She’s the queen of movie trivia.

In the past, you’ve bought her framed movie posters and DVDs, but now you’re running out of ideas. Don’t worry. We got you. Here are five gift ideas for the passionate film geek in your life.

1. What Would Idgie Do? T-shirt: Every lady-loving film fan has seen Fried Green Tomatoes. Many have read the book it’s based on. A few die-hards may even have a jar of honey with the words “Bee Charmer” written on it. But does she have an Idgie Threadgoode T-Shirt? CoolPopTees.com has a number of queer character tees featuring movies such as Imagine Me and You, Saving Face, and High Art. Yet, my favorite is this “What Would Idgie Do?” tee. ($19.95)

2. Re-imagined Movie Posters: If she already has prints of the popular lesbian film on her wall, it’s time to queer the traditionally heterosexual titles. While you sharpen your photoshop skills, start with this mid-century inspired print from Peanutoak Prints on Etsy. ($23)

3. Wolfe Video E-Gift Certificate: For years we’ve recommended gifting the cinephile in your life with tickets to an LGBT Film Festival such as Frameline, Outfest, or the Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. Yet if money and distance is an issue, an E-Gift Certificate to “the top U.S. source for LGBT DVD and Blu-Ray” is a great alternative. E-Gift Certificates can be used to buy DVDs or stream them instantly on demand so she can screen independent lgbt films that she may have missed in theatres such as Blue is the Warmest Color. ($25-$100)

4. LGBTQ Cinema Scholar Starter Kit: If you know an amateur film critic who wants to take it to the next level she should go back to the basics. In order to give her a solid foundation of history and criticism, create an LGBTQ Cinema Scholar Start Kit with these important books and DVDs:

Though we encourage locating these titles at your local, queer-owned, feminist bookstore we recognize that The Celluloid Closet may be hard to find. Therefore, if you end up ordering it on Amazon, we won’t judge you. ($150-$250)

5. A Filmmaking Workshop: Although there are more and more lesbian and bisexual women on television these days, there is still a lack of queer characters on the big screen. The best way to ensure that the stories of gay ladies are told in an authentic way we must produce them ourselves. Give your girl a chance to get off the couch and behind the camera by enrolling her in a short-term filmmaking workshop. Many LGBT film festivals/film organizations, such as Three Dollar Bill Cinema, Outfest and Frameline offer free workshops. The New York Film Academy offers workshops ranging from 1-12 weeks in various locations around the world. Or check out the local colleges and universities in your area for continuing education courses in film production. (varies from free to $5000)

-Eboni Rafus

It’s been over 20 years since Kelly Taylor told Brenda Walsh “hippie witch is out”-but we beg to differ. Maybe you have a goddess in your life who sends you your horoscope when you’re in a funk, whose medicine cabinet looks more like an apothecary, and on Halloween told you she can’t be a witch, because she just is one. Or you’re the Zen babe witch-there’s a tango between the moon and your period in your cyclic journal, but you swear you’re in so much more pain when Mercury’s in retrograde. For you and the other ladies in your coven, the holidays are about the solstice, drinking mead around a fire, and hibernating, if only to create new elixirs and spells. Here’s a magical list for the witches-in-black in your life, may your auras this holiday be purple and gay.

1.24-Karat Gold — Songs from the Vault by Stevie Nicks: Calling all sisters of the moon! You spend your late nights looking up photos of vintage Halston gowns you’ve seen on Queen Stevie Nicks and you probably have tickets to the latest Fleetwood Mac tour. Stevie’s newest album is, without a doubt, “Classic Stevie.” It’s chock-full of demos, and you’ll feel like you’ve gone through a magic portal back in time to her golden era of music making. The white witch shows us once again that she has poetry worth sharing, bringing new reasons to dance around in our bedrooms-and you know you do it, blame it on our wild hearts. ($10.99)

2. Ritual Misters by Portland Apothecary: Add this to your morning ritual, the first thing you put on as you set intentions for the day. There’s sea, desert, forest, and mountain-four blends of handmade flower and gem essences and essential oils that will completely transform your mood. Apothecary is a crucial element in any witch’s cabinet of goods, it’s part of your craft-perfect for the person in your life who’s in touch with dream work, grounding, healing, purifying spaces, and smelling awesome. ($20)

3. Astrology Wall Calendar for 2015 by Chelsey Dyer: Where some folk trade in old planners for new ones at ye old office supply stores, the Sapphic hip witch needs so much more than reminders for Presidents’ Day and maps of time zones. This beautifully designed calendar includes the twelve astrological months, along with their corresponding constellations in the sky and monthly moon phases. Fix your gaze on indigo colored ink set on recycled cover stock, baby. It’s the perfect gift for a Secret Solstice swap at your coven’s jolly get-together. ($24)

4. I Love Bad Witches That’s My Fuckin Problem T-shirt by Amber Ibarreche: Can you see Fairuza Balk circa The Craft grinning wide at the sight of someone in this shirt? She’s all like, “Manon! Did I invoke you?” In the words of Kendrick Lamar, “Listen what the crystal ball say.” Ours says: You’ll manifest all dem witches wearing this T-shirt. And if you gift this to your main witch, she’ll for sure know her black magic’s so bad it’s good. ($40)

5. Leather+Rose Quartz Necklace by Emily Baker: Rad designer Emily Baker has one of the most mythical approaches to gathering, crafting and redefining jewelry. On this bronze leather, octagon rose quartz piece, she says, “Rose quartz is a stone that epitomizes the vibration of love. Wear it near your heart to enhance the strong qualities of unconditional love, joy, warmth and healing the stone resonates.” It’s the stone of the heart chakra, for goddess sake. ($78)

-Kim Hoffman

She likes nothing more than snuggling on the couch with the remote control and a full DVR. She is the friend you under no circumstances can call when her stories are on. She is the Totally Gay TV Nerdette in your life and she deserves the very best this holiday season.

1. Amazon Prime Membership: Well, you know she already has a Netflix subscription because otherwise she would have been shunned by lesbiankind for not watching Orange Is the New Black the last two seasons. Adding an Amazon Prime subscription means she can now stream Transparent which is hands down the most queer-friendly and fascinating new show on TV right now. Also, she’ll be able to get free two-day shipping meaning when she realizes she forgot to buy you a present in return she can get you last-minute. That’s what I call a win-win. ($99)

2. Lost Girl Box Sets: Get a gal in your life caught up on the crazysexycool that has been Lost Girl before the show bows out in its fifth and final season starting in December. Is it mean to get someone hooked right as something is about to end? Sure, but it would be meaner still to never introduce her to Bo, Lauren, Tamsin, Kenzi and Evony in the first place. ($34.95 per season)

3. The Ellen DeGeneres Show Tickets : Give your bestie the gift of a first-person encounter with our Lesbian President, Ellen. Find a date that works for you both in 2015 and submit a request online. Best of all, it’s free. Well, if you live in the Los Angeles area it’s free. Otherwise it’s a tank of gas and/or plane ticket will be needed to get there. (Free-TBD)

4. Faking It Fashion Makeover: Is your friend super into MTV’s Faking It? Then fake like she on the show as well and dress her up like the characters—but in a healthy non-obsessed way. This gift guide does not cover therapist sessions. Deck her out from unmentionables to shoes with all of wardrobe worn on the series. You can even find guest star Laverne Cox‘s fierce white cape blazer. Everyone needs a white cape blazer. ($10-$300+)

5. Brittana Endgame Bracelets: With Glee (finally) limping off into the sunset, tell that someone special in your life how you really feel about your OTP. Regardless of what Ryan Murphy & Co. decide to do to them in the end, you’ll always be each other’s special unicorns. ($31.99)

– Dorothy Snarker

Everyone knows a pop culture queer: the girl with stacks of DVDs, piles of ironic tees, and an Arrested Development quote for every occasion (no touching!). She’s the girl with the epic 90’s diva playlist and a folder full of Liz Lemon GIFs for every occasion. She’s been known to Tumbl late into the night about her fav new TV show. So get her something that shows you care about her and her obsessive love of media!

1. Heads Up App: A must have for any party or get-together, Heads Up is a Celebrity-like game where you have to act/sing/imitate a famous person/film/singer/etc. True story, my sister hurt her wrist from playing this game so much with me. She got a real life app injury, y’all. The app is created by Ellen Degeneres, and you don’t get a better lesbian endorsement than that. Available on Apple and Android devices. ($0.99)

2. Funko Pop Television Goth Willow Vinyl Figure: Because of the Powers That Be, there’s a distinct lack of female action figures and toys. Luckily, Pop vinyl figurines have filled the void with all your favorite ass-kicking female characters, from Michonne to Buffy to Daenerys Targaryen. But my pick is everyone’s favorite bad girl vamp Goth Willow from BtVS. In her immortal words, “That’s me as a vampire? I’m so evil and… skanky. And I think I’m kinda gay.” Amen. ($14.95)

3. Poehler Fey 2016 T-Shirt: Everyone wishes they were friends with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Honestly, what’s not to love about the two brilliantly funny BFFS? And after those disappointing midterm elections, everyone is looking forward to what 2016 will bring us. Though Poehler and Fey have no political aspirations (yet), a girl can dream, right? ($20)

4. Arrested Development Cross Stitch: Hey Brother! Don’t make a huge mistake when shopping for your AD fangirl. This bulletin board cross stitch is adorable and practical. It’s available pre-made or, if your giftee is especially crafty, you can get her the pattern to make herself. Just watch out where you put those needles, you don’t want anyone to lose an arm! Coodle Oodle Oo. ($40)

5. Hipster Ariel Art Print: I still can’t get enough of the Hipster Ariel meme, and I love this beautiful print from Priscilla Wilson and Gallery 1988 (home to all your pop culture art needs). This is a great gift for the girl who liked Hipster Ariel before she went mainstream (see what I did there?) ($60)

-Chelsea Steiner

Researching the perfect gifts for our Practical Butch Fashion Plates turned into me ogling the hot butch models slightly more than focusing on the items they were attempting to sell with their pretty faces and sexy andro swag. Can you sense my swooning? Lucky for you, I managed to regain focus after spending a bit too much time looking at the studs in boi briefs. I did bookmark those pages for a rainy day, however. So, you struggle to find decent gifts for the Practical Butch Fashion Plate in your life at your local mall. No worries; malls suck anyway—especially this time of year. Shopping online from lesbian owned businesses is where it’s at. After all, only lesbians know what lesbians want. And only lesbians know the real struggle of having a curvy body and masculine taste in clothes.

1. Sweetheart Buckle: If your butch is both practical and fashionable, she’ll understand that, when it comes to her wardrobe, details are oh so important. That’s why she needs the Sweetheart Belt Buckle from Marimacho, that perfectly balances her masculine and feminine side. The heart shape reminds her admirers that she embraces her femininity. The engraved metal cogs inside the heart are a perfect hard contrast to the softness of the form. ($25)

2. Haute Butch Newsboy Cap: Every butch needs at least one great hat—for the occasional bad hair day and for the outfits that need an accessory as a finishing touch. This newsboi from Haute Butch has a classic houndstooth print that I adore. A little advice to the femmes out there who are a bit inexperienced when it comes to hat shopping: Find out your butch lady’s hat size and purchase accordingly. The one size fits all thing doesn’t work; trust me. Your pretty boi will appreciate it. ($26)

3. Black Stripe Button-Down: Finding button up shirts that fit appropriately can be quite a task for our boyish girls. Most are either too tailored, which reads more feminine than our butches would prefer, or not form fitting enough, which looks sloppy and unpolished. The Practical Butch Fashion Plate needs a versatile button up shirt—for your sister’s wedding or a special date night. I love this version from VEEA; the black trim on the cuffs, collar, and button make the time-honored button up stand out without being too flashy for the office or a nice restaurant. ($73)

4. Denim Vest by The Original Tomboy: I love, love, love vests with lots of detail—zippers, pockets, buttons, statement collars and lapels. This vest from The Original Tomboy definitely makes a statement. I also appreciate the versatility (and so will your practical butch); it can be worn casually with a v-neck tee or dressed up with slacks and lace up oxfords. ($100)

5. Fly Boi Bomber: Baby, it’s cold outside. Your butch crush needs a classic bomber to keep her looking hot, and to give her an excuse to offer it to you on a chilly December night. Check out The Fly Boi Bomber from Marimacho. ($235)

-Emily McGaughy

The majorly queer music fan can come in a lot of different varieties – perhaps she’s forever humming Broadway tunes. Or maybe she’s real hip, and spends her nights out at shows that feature bands you’ve never heard of. Or she could be the type of girl who won’t go anywhere without her acoustic guitar. The point is, this woman loves music-so here are a few gift ideas that will keep her NYSNC (I’m really, really sorry about that one).

1. Musical jewelry: Is she the type to wear her love of music on her sleeve (or wrist)? Get her these adorable Headphone Cufflinks ($69) or this awesome Record Cuff Bracelet($35).

2. Sonos Speaker: Did you catch her listening to music through her awful, tinny laptop speakers? Hook her up with a new Sonos Speaker. You can control the tunes with your phone, so you won’t have to get up to set the mood. (starting at $200)

3. Tegan and Sara pillowcases: Because we’ve all wanted to sleep with Tegan and/or Sara at one point, right? ($20)

4. Homemade Candle Holder: Looking for something a little more DIY? Make a candle holder that reminds her of her favorite song. All you need is sheet music + Mod Podge ($7) + an old glass ($1-$3 at your local Goodwill store). Look at you, crafty and sentimental-well done. (varies)

5. Studio Wireless (Beats by Dre): When in doubt, you could always splurge and get her some really good headphones, like these Studio Wireless (Beats by Dre). Hopefully, she’ll think of you every time she’s nodding along to her ladyjam in public. ($380)

-Jenna Duggan-Lykes

Oi! Are you dating an anglophile but can’t tell the difference between a British and Australian accent? Do you have a crush on a girl who wishes she was born in London but you think bangers and mash is the name of a rock band? Don’t worry, I’ve compiled a list of gifts from one anglophile for another. Now all you have to do is pick a gift or two from this list, and she won’t tell you to bugger off or call you a wanker (those are bad things). You might even have time for a kip before you go on holiday.

1. TARDIS mug. Since the actual TARDIS might be difficult to get your hands on unless you’re actually a time lord (and if you are, hi I’m single), but there are lots of iterations of the TARDIS you can find; Etsy art, cookie jars, string lights, etc. I suggest going for a TARDIS mug, because then it can be doubly British because your lady love can drink her cuppa out of it. Bonus: It is featured in the lesbian-vampire-themed webseries Carmilla. ($23

2. Lena Headey throw pillow. Imagine Me & You is a classic lesbian love story, and just like you and your giftee, a fabulous melding of British and American magic, and makes for a very romantic date night if you haven’t watched it together yet. Besides who wouldn’t want to sleep with Lena Headey? ($20)

3. Skins Naomily t-shirt. A nice homage to the VERY British Skins and the very adorable/heart-wrenching/beautiful/wonderful Naomily ship. You can make out by a lake to celebrate your excellent gift-giving skills, and reminisce about this quintessential couple. As long as neither of you watched Skins Fire. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WATCH SKINS FIRE. ($10-$30)

4. Tickets to Matilda, the Musical. Nothing makes me want to be British more than to be immersed in the accent for a few hours, and one excellent way to do this is to see a jolly musical set in England. I recently saw Matilda and it was mind-blowing, but there are others out there, like Mary Poppins, Billy Elliot, and A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder. And this idea doesn’t have to be just for people who live close to New York City; supporting local theatre is important, so find out if there’s a smaller production of shows like My Fair Lady, Oliver!, or Spamalot in your area. They will be just as British, I promise, and will have your favorite anglophile singing your praises. ($35-$90)

5. Orphan Black Seasons 1 & 2 on DVD. This show is the perfect show to watch with…well, literally anybody. This would have been on my list regardless of what kind of guide I was compiling. But it IS actually really great for anyone who is British-inclined, because the characters are split pretty evenly between British and Not British (and most of them are Tatiana Maslany), so there’s something for everyone. ($53)

-Valerie Anne

The infamous High-Maintenance Femme is like a panther in the wild, stunning to look at but extremely dangerous (for your psyche). This lady believes she deserves only the best and if you want her in your life, you’d better give it to her.

1. Voluspa‘Maison Noir – Crisp Champagne’ Scented Candle. Described as, “sparkling brut champagne mingling with hints of vanilla and barrel oak” can be purchased at Candle Delirium. ($9-27)

2. Blinged out jewelry. (Do people still say “bling”?) Get her a bracelet as complicated as she is with the Luxe Pave Orbital Cuff Bracelet available at Henri Bendel. This piece is crafted with rose gold or rhodium plated steel and adorned with cubic zirconia crystals. ($198)

3. Moncler Black Angers-Women-Down-Jackets with Decorative Belt. Truthfully, I picked this jacket because it has the word “anger” in it’s name and, let’s be real, high-maintenance femmes can go from 0 to angry at lightening speed. ($260)

4. Diva shoes. These Giuseppe Zanotti Chain Sandals are like a work of art, and probably incredibly painful to walk in. These Italian-made stunners are encrusted with Swarovski crystals and described as “vixen-chic sandal balanced on an ultrafemme patterned heel.” Ultrafemme? Yeah I’d say so! ($2350.00)

5. An UberLUX (UberBLACK) membership with your credit card on file. This California ridesharing service claims to be an upscale taxi service that picks you up in five minutes and take you wherever you want to go. When you’re lady wants to go somewhere she wants to go now, like, immediately! Get her a gift that will keep her happy and keep you from getting into trouble. (unlimited)

– Bridget McManus

If you’re lucky, you have at least one wise ass in your life. Every family, girl gang or Orange Is the New Black viewing party needs a reliable source of endless, smart aleck-y sarcasm. You think it’s easy keeping it real while keeping it light? Well, it’s not. So, for all the laughs she selflessly provides, here are some reasonably priced gifts your wise ass not only deserves, but will treasure for years to come.

1. Stating the Obvious on a T-Shirt. Forget those graphic tees with lame-o sayings. No one’s bought an “I’m with Stupid” shirt since 1979, and the only woman who should be wearing a “Mustache Rides” shirt is Frida Kahlo. This “Words on a Shirt” shirt is 100% cotton and tells it like it is. ($10)

2. A Whole Year of Wise-Assery. The holidays are perfect for gifting something she’ll need anyway: a new calendar. With this customizable calendar from despair.com, you can give your little wise ass one hilarious platitude per month. Nothing says February like a glossy photo of a snowflake with the caption, “Individuality. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.” ($20)

3. The Wise Ass “Easy” Button. We’ve all worked with those people. You know. The guy holding a toner-smudged piece of paper, crumpled into an accordion, who asks, “Hey, is the copier broken?” Oy. Some people just don’t deserve a a witty bon mot. Instead, your wise ass can retort with her choice of barnyard animal noises. Mooo. ($1-$20)

4. For the Nerdy Wise Ass. It takes a big brain to spot life’s idiosyncrasies and flip them into quips with lightning-fast speed. It also takes energy. Get your smarty pants smart ass going in the morning with a Wise Ass coffee mug, spelled out with the periodic table of elements. Because periodic table of elements. ($12)

5. Ironic Pants Holder-Uppers. Don’t forget that your wise ass is also a lesbian. And what lesbian doesn’t love a chunky metal belt buckle? Combine her fashion sense with her sense of humor with this ironic “Your Dumb” belt buckle. It’s a great way to make people stare at her crotch vicinity for a split-second longer than is appropriate. Not for the jealous type. ($1-$11)

-Dara Nai

The good thing about running when it’s 11 degrees outside? Other pedestrians keep a wide berth, perhaps thinking, “If she’s crazy enough to run in this weather, who knows what else she’s capable of?” But not everyone’s tough like me. So for all the namby-pambys who insist on heading to the gym when it dips below 70, I’ve got you covered when it comes to holiday gifts. (That’s all my way of saying, I can’t afford a gym membership, please take me home with you.) We all know the gym is the place to work out and get worked up, mainly because if you hit on an outdoor runner in wintertime, her lips will be too numb to return your catcall or tell you to piss off. Plus inner beauty is hard to locate beneath 25 layers of fleece. Whether it’s your girlfriend who’s the devoted gym-goer, or some nameless pair of biceps you’re looking to impress, here’s your guide, you wimp.

1.iPad Exercise Mount: Does your girl bore easily? This exercise mount for her iPad will distract her as she runs down the motionless miles to her inevitable death. Merry Christmas! Ahem, anyway, this ingenious doohickey latches onto the treadmill and allows the user to watch movies or ‘like’ all those newlywed pics popping up on Facebook now that the gay marriage ban has been struck down all over this great nation. I’m going to die alone! Happy Chanukah! Ahem, what? Nothing! Let’s talk some more about working out! Anyway, the holder works with most exercise equipment, is made of stick GRIP material and includes a neoprene strap to secure the iPad during her workout. The foldable design fits into an included travel pouch. Bonus: It’s only 10 bucks. (Note: make sure she owns an iPad. That’s a mistake I won’t make three times!) ($10)

2. Werk Workout Tank Top: Going to the gym doesn’t just mean pounding away on a treadmill. Lately, tons of fun dance classes have sprung up. My personal favorite is Werq, which somehow manages me to feel less like a disorganized water buffalo and more like one of Rihanna’s backup dancers. But this is America! Attending the class isn’t enough. You’ve got to merchandize! If your girl is a Werq fan, she needs a purple burner tank. Under thirty dollars. Did I mention Werq was founded by a Chicago-based female duo who teach at gay friendly Cheetah gym in Andersonville? Had to get that in there. ($25)

3. Koss Fitclips: Nothing makes me as unreasonably angry as inanimate objects that don’t do what they’re designed to. It’s like, you’re a toaster oven! You have one job: make toast. I’m not asking you to take out the garbage or make small talk with aggressively happy Trader Joe’s employees, both of which I manage to do just fine by the way. Which brings me (really!) to headphones. If I’m going to the trouble of running, the least they can do is stay in my ears. I’ll be honest, I have yet to try out Koss Fitclips. (See above re: broke), but my other runner friends endorse them and at $29 they’re pretty reasonable. Also, apparently they’re designed by women for women. Are our ears that different from men’s? Who knows? ($29)

4. Peacock Twins Power Yoga Pants: If you want me to go from zero to boring in less than ten seconds, just mention hot yoga. Distinct from bikram, which I’m convinced is meant to groom us for some future dictator’s reign (THE STUDIOS ARE CARPETED AND THEY DON’T LET YOU LEAVE.), hot yoga is balm to my caffeinated soul. Six days a week, I’m on my mat sweating out whatever toxins I’ve picked up from joining Tinder, so my yoga pants need to withstand near daily laundering. Plus I want to look cute so I can get the fuck off Tinder. Hopefully, your girlfriend isn’t on Tinder, but here’s my point: buy these leggings. Based in Santa Barbara California, Drishti Clothing and Essentials is perfect for your yoga fiend who wants to look quirky-fashionable even as she breaks a sweat. At $75, the pants are slightly pricey, but hey, they’re still cheaper than Lululemon. ($75)

5. FitBit by Tory Burch: So, people swear by the Fitbit. Personally, it makes me feel like I’m being tracked by a particularly naggy FBI Agent-turned-nutritionist who’s also my mother, but I know I’m in the minority. Why not be even more obnoxious, I mean luxurious and get Tori Burch for Fitbit in rose gold? Remember, you still need to add the flex tracker, so you’ll pay a couple hundred for the gift that says, hey honey, I’ll remove the GPS tracker I’ve hidden beneath your car if you keep record of every step you take. ($195)

– Sarah Terez Rosenblum

It’s not that this lez is stuck in the past, she just appreciates a good stroll down memory lane. Warm her heart with these retro gifts.

1. Cagney and Lacey photo: Before Rizzoli and Isles, before Xena and Gabrielle, there was Cagney and Lacey. Team Lagney all the way. ($9.99)

2. Ralph Lauren Big Pony 2: So Big Pony isn’t nostalgic, in and of itself, but it does smell exactly like Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth perfume. If your nostalgic lez has a soft spot for bubble gum pop and girls who wear denim vests, then she’ll love Bog Pony. It’s fruity, with hints of vanilla and spice. ($56)

3. Lesbian pulp poster: Lesbian pulp novels were meant to titillate but also caution women (and men) against the dangers of a trip to Saphic town. Now pulp is a part of our history, and this beauty of a poster will make a killer conversation piece at her next dinner party. ($16)

4. Ingénue by k.d. lang: Sorry Melissa, but k.d. is the queen of lesbian chanteuses. Ingénue was lusty and lovely, and lets face it, this giftee probably lost her virginity to this album. Let her fire up “Constant Craving” and melt into k.d.’s sultry alto once again. ($7.99)

5. Peanut Butter and Co Gift Pack: Nothing says “the good old days” like a PB&J. This yummy peanut butter collection (including flavors like chocolate and cinnamon raisin) is sure to please. She can also use the recipe book included will help elevate these nutty spreads into something more sophisticated and dare I say, gourmet? ($50)

-Dana Piccoli

If your love has a tendency to go the comic shop promising to only buy one thing and come back with a whole new shelf’s worth of issues, then these are the gifts for her. Help her get to know a beloved character even better, or introduce her to some new ones with these colorful gifts guaranteed to make a new home on your bedside table.

1. Lumberjanes: As we’ve written about before, Lumberjanes is a queer comic perfect for all ages. It follows the adventures of five girls at a summer camp, and it is bursting with laughs, mystery, feminist references, and romance between the girls. The comic just came to the end of its first story arc, so now is the perfect time to get some lucky comic lover the whole set up to now. Find them at your local comic shop, but be sure to jump on it; these sell out fast! ($3.99 per issue)

2. Eik: Trans artist M. R. Trower makes work that is gorgeous, mind-bending, and eloquent even when baffling. All his work evokes the queer experience, but none does so better than Eik, the tale of a diamond-shaped person struggling to fit into a world of rigid, shape-based hierarchy. ($6., but for $10 you can get a signed copy and an original drawing)

3. Gotham Central: If you’re like every human on planet Earth, you have fallen flat-out in love with Renee Montoya on this season of Gotham. Want to know more about the lesbian detective/future Question/seducer of Jim Gordon’s future wife? Then check out the 2005 classic arc, Half a Life, the story of her forcible outing and quest to clear her name as a murder suspect. ($24.99)

4. Marceline and The Scream Queens: The universe knew that we needed more Bubbline, the animated couple with more heart, angst, and chemistry than half the flesh-and-blood ones currently in pop culture. And so the universe gave us this spin-off of the Adventure Time comics, in which Marcy and her band tour OOO with Bonnibel acting as manager. This story develops their characters and their friendship, while offering more tantalizing hints as to their past. ($15-$20)

5. Buffy Season 10: If you’re planning on giving this to your girlfriend, make sure you do it while she is sitting down/near some defibrillator pads. Because, after years of waiting and begging, and now one fateful wish, there is every possibility that Tara Maclay is returning to life during this story arc. Or maybe Joss Whedon is just fucking with us. Hard to say. But either way, it’s always a delight to hang out with the Scoobies again, and even if the art isn’t quite as strong as on previous seasons, the dialogue is still whip-smart. ($3.50 per issue)

-Elaine Atwell

Every foodie needs the right equipment to dazzle friends and family with culinary delights. Deck the halls and Bon apetit!

1. Le Creuset Dutch Oven: The Le Creuset Dutch oven is a versatile tool can be used to cook pretty much anything —soups/stews, breads, fried foods, roasts – you name it. Put it on a stovetop, in the oven, or even over a campfire. Although it is made of cast iron, it is enameled, so taking care of it is refreshingly low maintenance. It can even be put in the dishwasher, unlike bare cast iron cookware. And the fun part? These babies come in all sizes and in more colors than ROYGBIV. And they’re so durable that they’ll outlast most relationships. ($200+)

2. Wüsthof Classic Ikon Chef’s Knife: Made of high quality forged steel with an ergonomic handle, this knife is super sharp, has great balance and can serve most of anyone’s needs. An all-purpose workhorse it can mince, slice, chop all sorts of foodstuffs and is so sharp that it will slay in a zombie apocalypse. (Do not confuse this knife with those from the lesser quality Wüsthof Gourmet and Emeril lines—your giftee won’t survive a zombie attack with those.) ($119)

3. Gourmet Pepper from Spices and Tease: A blend of Black and White pepper from Penja (Cameroun) and Sichuan Pepper, just a pinch will fill your kitchen with a spicy, tangy aroma, and the flavor is unparalleled. Remember to grind right before use for maximum punch. No more pre-ground pepper or pepper ground from plain black peppercorns! An impressive addition to any dish that calls for pepper, it also comes in a pretty tin. ($8)

4. Kings County Distillery Whiskey Gift Set: After New York State passed a microdistillery law in 2002 and expanded it in 2007, craft distilleries began to sprout all over the state. In 2010 Kings County Distillery was the first distillery to produce liquor within the borders of New York City since Prohibition. This gift set comes with attractive 200ml bottles of unaged corn whiskey, bourbon and chocolate infused whiskey. The distillery also gives tastings and tours on weekends (http://kingscountydistillery.com/tours/), so if you know someone who is visiting the Big Apple, you can gift a distillery tour as well. ($75)

5. Wölffer Estates Wine Club: The Wölffer Estates Vineyard is located in The Hamptons, and during the summer, New Yorkers take day trips to tastings at the main vineyard and listen to live music at The Wine Stand, operated by the vineyard. The terroir is similar to that of Bordeaux, and the soil characteristics, the climate and ocean breeze—along with the talent of the winemakers—come together to form some exceptional wine. The wine club has three tiers, according to your budget. ($45 a month+)

-Grace Chu

She has fantastic taste and gives zero fucks. The fierce fashion forward femme will stand no scrubs, not now, and not ever, so your gift should show effort. Note I say effort, not money; throwing a wad of cash you barely have on a generic, overpriced “girl” gift is better than nothing, but not ideal. Femmes with seriously high standards prize effort, humor, and detail over empty gesture. I’ve selected five clever and cultured gifts that will score you a smile without throwing down over $100. Not to imply that lesbians are cheap. Just frugal. Particularly when spending money on someone else.

1. Ho Ho Homo Sweater: “Oh em gee amazing,” I whispered when Bobo Academy’s latest piece of queer apparel first graced my Macbook screen. Unwrapping this seasonal sweater will bring a beam to bae’s face and show you’ve got pride and style.($40.00)

2. Feminist Killjoy Flask: Glitter + rhetoric = RAD. When I think I maintenance femme, I picture a badass gay girl who reads Gawker, The Cut, AfterEllen, Vice, Jezebel, and Buzzfeed with equal enjoyment and knowledge. Cultured as well as chic, this girl adores to contrast the frivolity of traditional femininity with intellectual irreverence. ($45)

3. Internet Famous T: Hot dykes are beyond big on the internet. Get it. ($14.46)

4. Vicious Circle Skirt: While I cannot consider faux leather (or “vegan leather as those marketing geniuses have decided to dub it) an equal substitute for actual leather, a real leather mini would be hard to best select for someone else. You have to try that sort of investment on. Leather clothing is not to be taken lightly; it is the best, but it’s also deeply personal. You have to pick out your own leather skirt. I just don’t trust lesbians, in general, to spend that type of money on the right leather money skirt. Ya’ll would fuck it up. So this is a cute pleather alternative. The high-waist cinches your waist into a subtle hourglass while A line cut strikes a surprisingly sweet note that contrasts deliciously with black (FAUX) leather. ($58.00)

5. Metallic Moccasins: High maintenance femmes love wearing massive heels that look fantastic but feel like an iron maiden after 60 minutes. At the end of a long day, she’ll love slipping off those magnificent monstrosities and sliding into these supple moccasins. I would wear these every weekend. ($88)

-Chloe

1.Great Gays Mug. It starts out a gorgeous outdoor view of a colorful street. Add some coffee or tea and suddenly the faces of famous literary gays show up in windows and doorways! Who knew Sappho lived so close to Gertrude Stein and Audre Lorde? ($12.95)

2.Vita & Virginia art. If your girl is a fan of Virginia Woolf (and who isn’t?) she will love this print of Ginny and her love, Vita Sackville-West. What makes it even cooler is that it’s from author Carol Anshaw, who has a whole series of Vita paintings for an incredibly affordable price. ($25)

3. Queer Lit Pillows. Does she prefer classics like Rubyfruit Jungle, or more contemporary graphic novels like Fun Home? These intricately made pillows inspired by classic lesbian magazines and book covers by Stefanie Boyd-Berks are one-of-a-kind. ($150-$400)

4.Alison Bechdel prints. Speaking of Fun Home, perhaps your literary lez is a huge fan of the Bechdel canon and would love an original sketch from Dykes to Watch Out or other pieces of the MacArthur genius’s work. Any one of them is a piece of lesbian herstory. ($500-$7500)

5. A signed Limited Edition copy of The Well of Loneliness. Radclyffe Hall personally autographed this rare copy (#52 only 225) of the Victory Edition. If she knows and loves lez lit, she will cry at the sight of this bookset, which came out after the book was no longer seen as obscene and unpublishable based on its lesbian content. ($3000)

-Trish Bendix

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button