“Scream Queens” mini-cap: Episode 2

Last week, I told you about the faux lesbian kissing we can expect to see on the VH1 reality series, Scream Queens. In order to bring you that piece of hard-hitting journalism, I had to actually watch the show. I was pleasantly surprised by its hilarity (unintentional as some of it may be), the charisma of host and vet scream queen of Saw franchise fame, Shawnee Smith, and the unrepentant bitchiness of the contestants.

It’s like Top Model, with an axe in its forehead. So if you like Top Model (I love it) and/or you like horror movies (I usually don’t), you should give Scream Queens a whirl. In the meantime, I’ll keep you updated here on the blog.

Episode two opens with a lengthy discussion between all the remaining contestants about how the wrong girl (Jo-Anne) got "The Axe" last week. The best part is that the bitch-fest takes place right in front of the girl who they think should have been eliminated, Kylah. Sarah weeps openly, Lindsay gives an impromptu eulogy ("this house will mourn the loss of Jo-Anne"), while Black Dahlia look-alike Angela simply raises a glass of wine and slurs, "Well, I’m just gonna drink." You can’t make this stuff up!

Later, Kylah tells us that they’ve divided the house. "There’s the queen bitches (Michelle, me, Angela and Lina) and the more homely girls, like Marssia, Lindsay and Sarah. Basically, they’re the girls who would not have been popular in high school."

She has no category for Jessica, who everyone agrees is just old school crazy. Michelle rips apart challenge winner Sarah ("she has an annoying voice, she’s ugly as s–t, she needs to straighten her hair"), then offers a theory about why she won. "I think the judges are just trying to make a point, that beauty doesn’t have to get you everywhere, when really — please. Please!"

The next day, Shawnee brings the girls into the parlor to test their ability to make a good first impression. She introduces them to an A-list casting director who then rates each of them. Kylah thinks she has this one in the bag. "I was a Communications major. I know how to answer stuff."

The results are what you would expect, one girl was too bland, another was too cocky, one even had the audacity to shake the casting director’s hand (apparently you don’t do that). Hateful Michelle is told that she came off as very stage-y, and she later brags, "I’m sorry, but I was Miss Teen Texas, (does pageant wave) thank you parents!"

Ultimately, the winner of the challenge (and immunity from being kicked off this week) is Sarah, probably because she isn’t a boring, hooched up diva like the rest of them. Because Lindsay and Marissa are the least memorable of the bunch, they are given makeovers. The other girls think this is hilarious, until they both come back looking smoking hot. Angela is particularly threatened, as now Marissa has black hair to match her piercing blue eyes — just like her.

At the next acting challenge, macho jerk acting coach and soul patch enthusiast John Homa tells each of the contestants a scenario, then asks them to give a reaction shot. They take a screenshot of each of their expressions and then analyze them as a group. Michelle is told that she’s just come out of the shower and sees the face of “the killer” in the mirror, standing behind her.

Michelle says, "I notice that my mouth is open, is that distracting?" Homa snorts, "Not to most men." Ugh.

Kylah is so expressionless that they give her three chances to get it right:

The rest of them have varying degrees of success, and Homa sends them off to await the Director’s Challenge. As in Top Model, the contestants learn about their challenges from notes left for them around the house. This time, the girls are called into a room that has been filled with creepy, broken dolls. They open the box left for them, only to find a note that reads, "Say cheese." As soon as they read the words aloud, a little person in full demon doll regalia jumps out of the pile of dolls and chases after them with a camera screaming, "Say cheese! Say cheese!"

This is so confusing! Should they be scared and run, or should they be flattered and stop to pose? The herd of them run away screaming, but when they finally stop, the "doll" tells them the location of their next challenge, then sprints out of the room maniacally.

They head out to the designated location, a studio where they’ll have a photo shoot. Director John Gunn tells them, "A scream queen needs to be able to sell a movie with a single pose, with a single expression." That’s why they’ll be posing for their very own movie posters! Some of them get more interesting movie titles and costumes than others, but a true scream queen can make anything work, or so says Shawnee.

Lindsay gets to wear white contact lens, and Lina is angry because her costume is "some rope," but Kylah is thrilled because her costume is a sprayed on latex body suit!

She thinks she looks great, and Sarah agrees. "Kylah’s was hot. I mean she’s just a hot specimen. I’d f–k her. Well, I don’t know if I’d f–k her, but I’d like to definitely be in a threesome with her."

These are some of the best posters from the shoot.

In the end, Lindsay’s makeover helps her win the title of Leading Lady this week, and the delightful Kylah is given "The Axe." Literally.

In perusing her obituary bio, I learned that Kylah is now a model/actress, but she also has a J.D. from the University of Texas at Austin and once practiced law in both Dallas and New York. And that is the scariest thing I’ve seen on Scream Queens so far.

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