TV

“South of Nowhere” Recap: Episode 3.11 “A Very Inconvenient Truth”

Playing doctor – Kyla wakes up in her bed of lies, only to overhear Jake making excuses for her wretched lip-synching debut on national television. She seems to be weary of the whole tawdry charade (pronounced “sha-raaaaahd”) and barks at him from the bedroom, “Tell them I’m sorry. Tell them I suck.”

He tells her to relax, because they’re back in L.A. now, “and everything’s beautiful.” And by “beautiful” he means that their little ruse is still working. He tells Kyla that “Dr. Avery” went on Access Hollywood and took full responsibility for her performance debacle. Avery told everyone that he had instructed Kyla to rest her voice, and that she only lip-synched under doctor’s orders.

Kyla howls, “Nobody’s gonna buy that!” But Jake tells her that her sister has indeed “bought it.” And we all know that Kyla’s way more afraid of the fury of Ashley Davies than she is the wrath of Nancy O’Dell.

Speaking of Ashley, she’s busy breaking dishes in the kitchen. Kyla follows the smashing sound, where she finds her sister sweeping up a mess of her own making. Hmm, maybe Kyla should give that a try.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Spencer: Well, you’re in luck. My dad and Glen are going camping, and my mom is doing a double shift. Ashley: The place to ourselves? Well, yay, now we can have our own little fiesta. Spencer: We can do whatever we want.

Spencer makes doing “whatever we want” sound like this, but if SON history is any indicator, it will be more like this.

He got game – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen is looking over her winning sketch for Clay’s memorial and gushing all over, as he should. She is still the only person in the LA metro area who is nice to Glen or in any way encouraging of his well-meaning antics. In fact, she credits him with helping her win the contest. But he gets all “aw shucks” about it and apologizes in advance for “bailing” on her when she needs him most.

What he really means is, “I don’t want to go camping with my father.” Still, she tries to tell him how awesome it will be to go fishing in the Sierras with his annoying dad. She reminds him that “they” always used to go, but he corrects her. Clay and Arthur used to go on those outdoor adventures, while Glen would sit in the tent and play Tetris. Change the game to electronic Yahtzee, and I will gladly meet you in the mosquito netting, my friend.

She chides him for not being “positive,” adding “father-son bonding is supposed to be a good thing.” She promises him that he will have a great time. Neither Glen nor I believe her.

Three’s company – Later at Chez Carlin, Glen is underfoot in the garage as Arthur tries to get all of their camping supplies organized. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and a ball cap, which is, I think, supposed to make him look rugged and outdoors-y. Instead, he looks like the lost member of the Indigo Girls (Amy Ray’s not-as-butch younger brother). Paula rolls her eyes as Arthur tells Glen for the millionth time where to find the propane accessories. Whether she’s being an evil homophobe or a reformed PFLAG-er, Paula is always good for an eye-roll.

Ashley and Spencer roll up, immediately followed by Aiden on his crotch-rocket. Arthur barely bats an eye when his daughter arrives, but when he hears the heavenly putters of Aiden’s arrival he begins shrieking and clapping like a little girl, “Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robbie Knievel!” He glares at the rest of the family until they awkwardly join him in the applause.

Arthur tells Aiden that they’re going fly fishing in the Sierras, opening the door for an Aiden invasion.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Ashley: Can we please just never talk about the show? Spencer: I hear ya. Ashley: I really just need somewhere to hide from the media and just resist the temptation to strangle Kyla.

Hide from the media? I didn’t see any cameras following her around. Ashley needs to choose a different beverage, because her own Kool-Aid ain’t working for her!

Spencer: Well, you’re in luck. My dad and Glen are going camping, and my mom is doing a double shift. Ashley: The place to ourselves? Well, yay, now we can have our own little fiesta. Spencer: We can do whatever we want.

Spencer makes doing “whatever we want” sound like this, but if SON history is any indicator, it will be more like this.

He got game – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen is looking over her winning sketch for Clay’s memorial and gushing all over, as he should. She is still the only person in the LA metro area who is nice to Glen or in any way encouraging of his well-meaning antics. In fact, she credits him with helping her win the contest. But he gets all “aw shucks” about it and apologizes in advance for “bailing” on her when she needs him most.

What he really means is, “I don’t want to go camping with my father.” Still, she tries to tell him how awesome it will be to go fishing in the Sierras with his annoying dad. She reminds him that “they” always used to go, but he corrects her. Clay and Arthur used to go on those outdoor adventures, while Glen would sit in the tent and play Tetris. Change the game to electronic Yahtzee, and I will gladly meet you in the mosquito netting, my friend.

She chides him for not being “positive,” adding “father-son bonding is supposed to be a good thing.” She promises him that he will have a great time. Neither Glen nor I believe her.

Three’s company – Later at Chez Carlin, Glen is underfoot in the garage as Arthur tries to get all of their camping supplies organized. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and a ball cap, which is, I think, supposed to make him look rugged and outdoors-y. Instead, he looks like the lost member of the Indigo Girls (Amy Ray’s not-as-butch younger brother). Paula rolls her eyes as Arthur tells Glen for the millionth time where to find the propane accessories. Whether she’s being an evil homophobe or a reformed PFLAG-er, Paula is always good for an eye-roll.

Ashley and Spencer roll up, immediately followed by Aiden on his crotch-rocket. Arthur barely bats an eye when his daughter arrives, but when he hears the heavenly putters of Aiden’s arrival he begins shrieking and clapping like a little girl, “Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robbie Knievel!” He glares at the rest of the family until they awkwardly join him in the applause.

Arthur tells Aiden that they’re going fly fishing in the Sierras, opening the door for an Aiden invasion.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Kyla: Yes, I do. Can I just- Ashley: That was my dream. It was everything I ever wanted and you just trashed it. Kyla: Can I just say one thing to you? Ashley: No. No. Because I honestly could care less about what you have to say right now. From here on out, you’re on your own.

Ashley noisily storms away in her hoochie boots (does she want some fries with that shake?), leaving Kyla to cry alone in the kitchen. She should just make herself a sandwich. Mustard makes everything better.

I think we’re alone now-Ashley speeds away in her Porsche to her own cure-all, Spencer. Spencer tries to talk her off the ledge via phone, but Ashley is almost inconsolable. Almost.

Ashley: Can we please just never talk about the show? Spencer: I hear ya. Ashley: I really just need somewhere to hide from the media and just resist the temptation to strangle Kyla.

Hide from the media? I didn’t see any cameras following her around. Ashley needs to choose a different beverage, because her own Kool-Aid ain’t working for her!

Spencer: Well, you’re in luck. My dad and Glen are going camping, and my mom is doing a double shift. Ashley: The place to ourselves? Well, yay, now we can have our own little fiesta. Spencer: We can do whatever we want.

Spencer makes doing “whatever we want” sound like this, but if SON history is any indicator, it will be more like this.

He got game – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen is looking over her winning sketch for Clay’s memorial and gushing all over, as he should. She is still the only person in the LA metro area who is nice to Glen or in any way encouraging of his well-meaning antics. In fact, she credits him with helping her win the contest. But he gets all “aw shucks” about it and apologizes in advance for “bailing” on her when she needs him most.

What he really means is, “I don’t want to go camping with my father.” Still, she tries to tell him how awesome it will be to go fishing in the Sierras with his annoying dad. She reminds him that “they” always used to go, but he corrects her. Clay and Arthur used to go on those outdoor adventures, while Glen would sit in the tent and play Tetris. Change the game to electronic Yahtzee, and I will gladly meet you in the mosquito netting, my friend.

She chides him for not being “positive,” adding “father-son bonding is supposed to be a good thing.” She promises him that he will have a great time. Neither Glen nor I believe her.

Three’s company – Later at Chez Carlin, Glen is underfoot in the garage as Arthur tries to get all of their camping supplies organized. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and a ball cap, which is, I think, supposed to make him look rugged and outdoors-y. Instead, he looks like the lost member of the Indigo Girls (Amy Ray’s not-as-butch younger brother). Paula rolls her eyes as Arthur tells Glen for the millionth time where to find the propane accessories. Whether she’s being an evil homophobe or a reformed PFLAG-er, Paula is always good for an eye-roll.

Ashley and Spencer roll up, immediately followed by Aiden on his crotch-rocket. Arthur barely bats an eye when his daughter arrives, but when he hears the heavenly putters of Aiden’s arrival he begins shrieking and clapping like a little girl, “Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robbie Knievel!” He glares at the rest of the family until they awkwardly join him in the applause.

Arthur tells Aiden that they’re going fly fishing in the Sierras, opening the door for an Aiden invasion.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Ashley: Who did? Kyla: Don’t make me answer that. Ashley…

Ashley. Stop. Here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to come clean about your charade to everybody, and I mean the entire planet. Because if you don’t, I will. Do you understand me?

Kyla: Yes, I do. Can I just- Ashley: That was my dream. It was everything I ever wanted and you just trashed it. Kyla: Can I just say one thing to you? Ashley: No. No. Because I honestly could care less about what you have to say right now. From here on out, you’re on your own.

Ashley noisily storms away in her hoochie boots (does she want some fries with that shake?), leaving Kyla to cry alone in the kitchen. She should just make herself a sandwich. Mustard makes everything better.

I think we’re alone now-Ashley speeds away in her Porsche to her own cure-all, Spencer. Spencer tries to talk her off the ledge via phone, but Ashley is almost inconsolable. Almost.

Ashley: Can we please just never talk about the show? Spencer: I hear ya. Ashley: I really just need somewhere to hide from the media and just resist the temptation to strangle Kyla.

Hide from the media? I didn’t see any cameras following her around. Ashley needs to choose a different beverage, because her own Kool-Aid ain’t working for her!

Spencer: Well, you’re in luck. My dad and Glen are going camping, and my mom is doing a double shift. Ashley: The place to ourselves? Well, yay, now we can have our own little fiesta. Spencer: We can do whatever we want.

Spencer makes doing “whatever we want” sound like this, but if SON history is any indicator, it will be more like this.

He got game – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen is looking over her winning sketch for Clay’s memorial and gushing all over, as he should. She is still the only person in the LA metro area who is nice to Glen or in any way encouraging of his well-meaning antics. In fact, she credits him with helping her win the contest. But he gets all “aw shucks” about it and apologizes in advance for “bailing” on her when she needs him most.

What he really means is, “I don’t want to go camping with my father.” Still, she tries to tell him how awesome it will be to go fishing in the Sierras with his annoying dad. She reminds him that “they” always used to go, but he corrects her. Clay and Arthur used to go on those outdoor adventures, while Glen would sit in the tent and play Tetris. Change the game to electronic Yahtzee, and I will gladly meet you in the mosquito netting, my friend.

She chides him for not being “positive,” adding “father-son bonding is supposed to be a good thing.” She promises him that he will have a great time. Neither Glen nor I believe her.

Three’s company – Later at Chez Carlin, Glen is underfoot in the garage as Arthur tries to get all of their camping supplies organized. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and a ball cap, which is, I think, supposed to make him look rugged and outdoors-y. Instead, he looks like the lost member of the Indigo Girls (Amy Ray’s not-as-butch younger brother). Paula rolls her eyes as Arthur tells Glen for the millionth time where to find the propane accessories. Whether she’s being an evil homophobe or a reformed PFLAG-er, Paula is always good for an eye-roll.

Ashley and Spencer roll up, immediately followed by Aiden on his crotch-rocket. Arthur barely bats an eye when his daughter arrives, but when he hears the heavenly putters of Aiden’s arrival he begins shrieking and clapping like a little girl, “Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robbie Knievel!” He glares at the rest of the family until they awkwardly join him in the applause.

Arthur tells Aiden that they’re going fly fishing in the Sierras, opening the door for an Aiden invasion.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Ashley: Yes you can Kyla. You have so much potential, look at what you did with the single. Don’t worry, our next show will be perfect. Kyla: No, it won’t. Because that wasn’t me on the record. They, uh, they dubbed in someone else’s voice.

Ashley: Who did? Kyla: Don’t make me answer that. Ashley…

Ashley. Stop. Here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to come clean about your charade to everybody, and I mean the entire planet. Because if you don’t, I will. Do you understand me?

Kyla: Yes, I do. Can I just- Ashley: That was my dream. It was everything I ever wanted and you just trashed it. Kyla: Can I just say one thing to you? Ashley: No. No. Because I honestly could care less about what you have to say right now. From here on out, you’re on your own.

Ashley noisily storms away in her hoochie boots (does she want some fries with that shake?), leaving Kyla to cry alone in the kitchen. She should just make herself a sandwich. Mustard makes everything better.

I think we’re alone now-Ashley speeds away in her Porsche to her own cure-all, Spencer. Spencer tries to talk her off the ledge via phone, but Ashley is almost inconsolable. Almost.

Ashley: Can we please just never talk about the show? Spencer: I hear ya. Ashley: I really just need somewhere to hide from the media and just resist the temptation to strangle Kyla.

Hide from the media? I didn’t see any cameras following her around. Ashley needs to choose a different beverage, because her own Kool-Aid ain’t working for her!

Spencer: Well, you’re in luck. My dad and Glen are going camping, and my mom is doing a double shift. Ashley: The place to ourselves? Well, yay, now we can have our own little fiesta. Spencer: We can do whatever we want.

Spencer makes doing “whatever we want” sound like this, but if SON history is any indicator, it will be more like this.

He got game – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen is looking over her winning sketch for Clay’s memorial and gushing all over, as he should. She is still the only person in the LA metro area who is nice to Glen or in any way encouraging of his well-meaning antics. In fact, she credits him with helping her win the contest. But he gets all “aw shucks” about it and apologizes in advance for “bailing” on her when she needs him most.

What he really means is, “I don’t want to go camping with my father.” Still, she tries to tell him how awesome it will be to go fishing in the Sierras with his annoying dad. She reminds him that “they” always used to go, but he corrects her. Clay and Arthur used to go on those outdoor adventures, while Glen would sit in the tent and play Tetris. Change the game to electronic Yahtzee, and I will gladly meet you in the mosquito netting, my friend.

She chides him for not being “positive,” adding “father-son bonding is supposed to be a good thing.” She promises him that he will have a great time. Neither Glen nor I believe her.

Three’s company – Later at Chez Carlin, Glen is underfoot in the garage as Arthur tries to get all of their camping supplies organized. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and a ball cap, which is, I think, supposed to make him look rugged and outdoors-y. Instead, he looks like the lost member of the Indigo Girls (Amy Ray’s not-as-butch younger brother). Paula rolls her eyes as Arthur tells Glen for the millionth time where to find the propane accessories. Whether she’s being an evil homophobe or a reformed PFLAG-er, Paula is always good for an eye-roll.

Ashley and Spencer roll up, immediately followed by Aiden on his crotch-rocket. Arthur barely bats an eye when his daughter arrives, but when he hears the heavenly putters of Aiden’s arrival he begins shrieking and clapping like a little girl, “Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robbie Knievel!” He glares at the rest of the family until they awkwardly join him in the applause.

Arthur tells Aiden that they’re going fly fishing in the Sierras, opening the door for an Aiden invasion.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Kyla: I know you’re still mad at me. And I don’t blame you. I should have told you I was lip-synching before we went onstage. Ashley: Damn right you should have. Kyla: You’re speaking to me again, that’s encouraging. Ashley: Look, I’m not happy and our debut was ruined. I’m actually furious. But I know you were sick and it could have been a little worse. You could have pulled a Lindsay Lohan and flashed everyone your business.

Hey, watch it now! You don’t have to bring my girl Lindsay into this disaster. She’s busy running a legitimate business!

Kyla: I can’t sing.

Ashley: Yes you can Kyla. You have so much potential, look at what you did with the single. Don’t worry, our next show will be perfect. Kyla: No, it won’t. Because that wasn’t me on the record. They, uh, they dubbed in someone else’s voice.

Ashley: Who did? Kyla: Don’t make me answer that. Ashley…

Ashley. Stop. Here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to come clean about your charade to everybody, and I mean the entire planet. Because if you don’t, I will. Do you understand me?

Kyla: Yes, I do. Can I just- Ashley: That was my dream. It was everything I ever wanted and you just trashed it. Kyla: Can I just say one thing to you? Ashley: No. No. Because I honestly could care less about what you have to say right now. From here on out, you’re on your own.

Ashley noisily storms away in her hoochie boots (does she want some fries with that shake?), leaving Kyla to cry alone in the kitchen. She should just make herself a sandwich. Mustard makes everything better.

I think we’re alone now-Ashley speeds away in her Porsche to her own cure-all, Spencer. Spencer tries to talk her off the ledge via phone, but Ashley is almost inconsolable. Almost.

Ashley: Can we please just never talk about the show? Spencer: I hear ya. Ashley: I really just need somewhere to hide from the media and just resist the temptation to strangle Kyla.

Hide from the media? I didn’t see any cameras following her around. Ashley needs to choose a different beverage, because her own Kool-Aid ain’t working for her!

Spencer: Well, you’re in luck. My dad and Glen are going camping, and my mom is doing a double shift. Ashley: The place to ourselves? Well, yay, now we can have our own little fiesta. Spencer: We can do whatever we want.

Spencer makes doing “whatever we want” sound like this, but if SON history is any indicator, it will be more like this.

He got game – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen is looking over her winning sketch for Clay’s memorial and gushing all over, as he should. She is still the only person in the LA metro area who is nice to Glen or in any way encouraging of his well-meaning antics. In fact, she credits him with helping her win the contest. But he gets all “aw shucks” about it and apologizes in advance for “bailing” on her when she needs him most.

What he really means is, “I don’t want to go camping with my father.” Still, she tries to tell him how awesome it will be to go fishing in the Sierras with his annoying dad. She reminds him that “they” always used to go, but he corrects her. Clay and Arthur used to go on those outdoor adventures, while Glen would sit in the tent and play Tetris. Change the game to electronic Yahtzee, and I will gladly meet you in the mosquito netting, my friend.

She chides him for not being “positive,” adding “father-son bonding is supposed to be a good thing.” She promises him that he will have a great time. Neither Glen nor I believe her.

Three’s company – Later at Chez Carlin, Glen is underfoot in the garage as Arthur tries to get all of their camping supplies organized. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and a ball cap, which is, I think, supposed to make him look rugged and outdoors-y. Instead, he looks like the lost member of the Indigo Girls (Amy Ray’s not-as-butch younger brother). Paula rolls her eyes as Arthur tells Glen for the millionth time where to find the propane accessories. Whether she’s being an evil homophobe or a reformed PFLAG-er, Paula is always good for an eye-roll.

Ashley and Spencer roll up, immediately followed by Aiden on his crotch-rocket. Arthur barely bats an eye when his daughter arrives, but when he hears the heavenly putters of Aiden’s arrival he begins shrieking and clapping like a little girl, “Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robbie Knievel!” He glares at the rest of the family until they awkwardly join him in the applause.

Arthur tells Aiden that they’re going fly fishing in the Sierras, opening the door for an Aiden invasion.

Aiden: (coyly) My uncle fishes off his boat in Catalina, but I never really learned how to cast a line. Arthur: Wanna come? I’ll have you pitching like a pro in two hours! Aiden: Really? Arthur: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

Eww.

Aiden: It’s tempting…I don’t want to intrude or anything. Arthur: Intrude? Are you kidding me? I’ve got plenty of room, I’ve got extra gear, and inside this ice chest I’ve got prime fillets that have been marinating in ponzu sauce for 36 hours strike me dead. Aiden: I’m in, okay, I’m in. Arthur: (to Glen): You don’t mind, do you? Glen: (dejected) As long as I get shotgun, it’s all good with me. Arthur: Great. Next stop, Kern river! Let’s go!

Aiden has perfectly timed his arrival to break-up the little lovefest between Arthur and Glen. He used to do the same thing to Ashley and Spencer, so I’m glad he has a new target focus.

Who can it be now? – At the Carlin abode, Spencer is the in fridge gathering supplies so she can whip up something special for Ashley. Ashley sashays in wearing a skimpy little robe and kisses Spencer on the shoulder.

Spencer: This is gonna be good. Ashley: This is going to be out of this world.

Uhh, are you two talking about the same thing?

Spencer: I meant the food. Look at you! You are wearing my robe. Ashley: I know. I always wanted to be naked in the Carlin home…without being slapped and pulled out by my hair!

She means by Paula, you dirty little minxes!

Per the norm, just when things could potentially get interesting between these two, there’s a knock at the door.

Ugh. It’s Jonica. Spencer answers the door and the little skeezer asks, “Remember me?”

Spencer smiles and says, “Of course. Come in!”

Spencer went to the Arthur Carlin School of Cluelessness.

Jonica: So Lily was telling me that you’re really into documentaries, so I thought I’d bring over my personal favorites, if it’s not weird of me stopping by like this Ashley: Hi. Jonica: Oh, you totally have company. I should be going. Spencer: Oh no, it’s fine. Ashley, this is Jonica. Jonica is actually a friend of Lily’s. Ashley: Jonica? That’s…different. Jonica: Yeah, sort of a typo, but it stuck. I’m thinking of changing my name to Fred.

Spencer forces a titter and Ashley scowls at them both.

Spencer: Um, did you, like, want to stay for a bit or something? Jonica: For a minute. Sure, thanks. Ashley: Cool. I’m just going to go upstairs and change into something less comfortable.

She stomps upstairs as Spencer graciously invites the little home-wrecker inside.

Peace be with you – Jake is trying to convince Kyla that she hasn’t totally screwed herself with her lip syncing stunt. He tells her that Ethan still loves her, and when that fails to cheer her up he offers her a little mood enhancer. She’s finally smart enough to just say no. Reading nasty comments about herself on the web has had a sobering effect on her, so she shares them with Jake.

Jake: Why don’t you do your most chill yoga routine … Kyla: Listen to this: “Kyla is a pile-a you-know-what” or look at this, “She’s a bogus, no-talent ala Ashlee Simpson”

Has she been reading these recaps?

She tells him that it is way too late for damage control and that no one will believe the spin. He tries to convince her that the second she gets back on stage, “Bam! You’re smack back in everyone’s hearts again.” The only problem, Kyla reminds him, is that this means she’ll have to lip sync again. Jake tells her that everyone has “signed off” on their little do-over plan, even Ashley. Kyla knows this isn’t the case because she’s already told Ashley the truth, and she tells Jake that she’s confessed.

Jake’s eyes pop out of his head cartoon-style. He tells her that he doesn’t care if Ashley “is the damn Pope,” Kyla isn’t allowed to confess to anything without his permission and that she’s the one who has now created a disaster.

I stopped listening when Jake mentioned Pope Ashley. I was immediately overwhelmed by an unholy image:

She got her mitre at Wet Seal.

Spoiled rotten – Arthur, Glen and Aiden arrive at their designated scenic location in the Sierras. By the look on Arthur’s face, it’s easy to see that something has gone terribly wrong. And by the look on Glen’s face, it’s easy to see that it was probably Glen’s fault.

When they finally break the uncomfortable silence, Arthur unleashes on Glen for getting them lost (unfortunately “shotgun” also included navigational responsibilities). And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they discover that Arthur’s ponzu fillets are now rotten. Of course, this is also Glen’s fault because he didn’t put ice in the cooler. Glen sheepishly asks, “Oh, uh, was I supposed to do that?” Aiden gives him a condescending look of disappointment and Arthur says nothing. Why waste words when you’ve got the silent treatment right there at your fingertips?

Come and get it – Things are getting even more uncomfortable back in LA.

Jonica: Ashley? That’s why you look so familiar. You are Ashley Davies, aren’t you? With that nutty sister… Ashley: Can we not go there? Spencer: Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing. Jonica: Sorry, I always seem to piss people off whenever I’m in this house. Ashley: You’ve been in this house before?

Uh oh.

Jonica: Yeah. I heard grandma freaked when I flirted with the birthday girl. Spencer: I’m gonna get dinner.

Yeah, Spence, you go do that.

Oh how I long for the good old days of SON catfights. Remember when Ashley and Madison used to tear out one another’s weaves? I wish Ashley would serve Jonica a knuckle-sandwich for supper.

Is it a crime? – Jake is back, again, and he has a new plan to fix Lip Sync Gate ’08. This one’s a doozy.

Jake: Now I know how to make your fans emotionally attached to your life again. What if you were to disappear? Or you were to be kidnapped. Your mental state is precarious, people get caught up in the drama. Are you safe? Are you hiding? Are you a victim of foul play? Kyla: Well which one is it? Jake: It doesn’t matter. It’s all about manipulating perception.

Is Jake’s last name Rove? Because this story is positively diabolical! Plus, this stunt has totally been done before.

Kyla finally has an “aha” moment and kicks Jake to the curb once and for all. She tells him she’s going to hold a press conference and spill her guts. Jake tells her if she does this, then he’ll have nothing to do with her. When she reminds him that she’s actually hoping this will happen, he switches gears. Jake tells her, “You go to the press, and you will deeply regret it.”

I have an idea of what he might be intimating. Anybody seen Jake’s video camera lately?

Ain’t no mountain high enough – Arthur is sitting around the campfire with Dumb and Dumber, passive aggressively remarking on the deliciousness of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they just ate. Then he does the unforgiveable, asking for the play-by-play of exactly how Glen screwed everything up. The post-mortem won’t bring back the steaks, and Glen already feels bad enough. Hell, I even feel bad for Glen. Arthur then harps on him about how he should do things “next time.”

Glen: Maybe if there IS a next time- Aiden: Uhh…who’s up for another PB and J? Arthur: Why not? Glen: I’m not really hungry, thanks though. Arthur: You know, for most people, being up in the mountains increases their appetite.

In other words, “I’ll bet big, strapping, handsome Aiden would eat another sandwich!”

Glen: Well I guess I’m not “most people” then. Aiden: What’s on the game plan for tomorrow? Arthur: Early in and often! Check out these flies that I tied. Aiden: (examining fishing flies) Sweet.

Then Arthur starts rambling about having a tart for dessert (I’m assuming he doesn’t mean Aiden) and Glen stomps away into the woods, presumably to drown himself in the nearby river.

Goodbye to you – The girls are saying goodnight, and the sarcasm is dripping all over Paula’s shiny hardwood floors.

Jonica: It was so nice to meet you, Ashley. Ashley: It was nice to meet you too, Fred. Spencer: Give Lily a hug for me.

She hugs Jonica, who glares at Ashley over Spencer’s perfectly tanned shoulder.

Then Jonica leaves, but not soon enough for my taste.

Ashley: Wow. Spencer: Oh come on, you kinda liked her. Ashley: Not as much as she liked you. Spencer: Ash- Ashley: Look, she had a crush on you. It’s blatant. I should have had Aiden keep an eye on you while I was in New York. Spencer: Well who kept an eye on you?

Spying. It’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Spencer: Wait, are we fighting? Ashley: No, come here.

They kiss and make up, literally, and are immediately interrupted by a text from Kyla, who tells Ashley she’s holding a press conference.

Seriously? Who’s going to watch? And what network would be dumb enough to air a press conference by an unknown like Ashley Davies?

Oops, I did it again – Kyla is sweating buckets under the scrutiny of a gaggle of journalists at her press conference. She should just relax. If the questions get too tough, she can always do some fancy pageant walking.

She tells the world, “I tried to fool everybody, including my sister, Ashley, who knew nothing of my deception. It was all my doing, I’m responsible for everything.”

Kyla apologizes to everyone, including Ashley, the memory of their father, and all of her “friends on the web.”

Lights out – Arthur is just about to snuggle up to Aiden in the tent when Glen, off to “take a pee,” trips over one of the stakes and pulls the whole tent down around them.

Arthur and Aiden howl “Glen!” in unison, and that’s it for our favorite f-up. He flips. He declares his hatred for camping, fishing, and “stinking tents.” Then it gets really juicy. He tells Arthur, “You don’t even want me here. You don’t relate to me, you don’t even want me as a son. Just adopt Aiden!”

Aiden looks concerned, but he’s really just trying to figure out how he’s going to fit his Bowflex® into Glen’s room.

Sweet forgiveness – Back at their swanky pad, Ashley and Kyla have a tearful reunion. Kyla apologizes again for the whole mess, and Ashley embraces her.

Deliverance – Up in the mountains, another reunion is taking place, sans tears. Glen’s explosion got Arthur’s attention, and it’s time for him to take off his “butch” fishing ball cap and replace it with his social worker chapeau.

Arthur admits that Glen’s words stuck with him and asks where these ideas are coming from. As it turns out, it all goes back to the backseat of Paula and Arthur’s car. Glen tells Arthur that he’s always felt like a burden because he was born out of wedlock, keeping his Arthur out of medical school. Worse, he thinks Clay was Arthur’s “go-to guy.” Glen admits, “When he died, I started thinking at least I’ll never be compared to Clay again. I’ll be number one by default. But now you have Aiden…”

Arthur has a few bombs to drop of his own. He reminds Glen-you know, just in case he’s forgotten-that ever since the family moved to Los Angeles, he’s dropped out of sports, been addicted to painkillers and lost two jobs. In other words, Glen, you’re a loser. However, Arthur also reminds him that he wasn’t always a huge disappointment. Back in Ohio he was a star athlete, a good student, and even did volunteer work! Arthur asks him, “What happened to that Glen?” Glen admits he’s been in a slump, and Arthur tells him that it’s time for him to snap out of his slump, “not for clay, not for me, but because he’s one of the most incredible people I know. And when he does, tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him…”

Until then, I suppose, the “old man” will be at home in the kitchen, bitching about Glen while he gives Aiden a backrub.

Stupid girl – Things have finally settled down at Kyla and Ashley’s place, and their apartment must smell a lot better without the stink of Jake wafting around in it. Kyla settles in next to Ashley and they do what any desperate-for-attention girl who’s had a taste of fame would do: they read about themselves on lame internet gossip sites.

Ashley finds a video called, “Kyla’s Midnight Confession” and Kyla stupidly assumes it’s a link to her press conference. Oh Kyla.

Remember Jake’s video camera? Neither does Kyla. Nonetheless, it was working just fine when she went off on a drug-fueled rant about her father and Ashley. The video of it unrolls before their eyes.

Video Kyla: I hate having to lie about him. Rafe Davies was a drugged-out, absentee loser of a father who never gave a crap about his kids. And now I have to sing a crappy song by him? What a joke. Oh gosh, and then there’s Ashley. Ooh I love Ashley. Not in a like a gay way or anything, ’cause obviously we’re sisters, you know. Not that it would really stop her because she is SUCH A WHORE. (laughs) I’m just kidding, fool, god! No, but seriously, she is kind of though. She’s got girlfriends, she’s got boyfriends, she’s got friends with benefits. She even did it with our producer, I swear to god.”

Kyla is mortified, Ashley is furious. Kyla tells her, “I don’t know what to say.” Ashley snaps, “You’ve said enough!” and storms out of the room.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Aiden gets dumped and Spencer let’s her fingers do the walking with Jonica.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button