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“Grey’s Anatomy” Recap: 5.3 “Here Comes the Flood”

That’s so two weeks ago – Last week’s Grey’s was pre-empted by this fine country’s vice-presidential debate, so here’s a review of the season premiere, in case the memory of it is as distant as Sarah Palin’s chances of ever being qualified to hang a moose head in the Roosevelt Room of White House.

Meredith decided to enter the fray of the Up-Down Toilet Seat Wars and asked Derek to move in with her. George was girding his loins to re-take his intern test, and failed to notice his pal Lexie’s ginormous crush on him, despite the squishy noises she makes while walking next to him during rounds.

Speaking of gross, Izzie watched on with disgust and envy as Alex oiled the revolving skank door on his bedroom. Meanwhile, Cristina told Meredith her relationship with McDreamy didn’t have an icicle’s chance in hell, and was promptly impaled by one.

That old windbag, the Chief, ran around the joint, blustery and pig-headed as usual, leaving everything just a little worse than when he found it. No wonder Seattle Grace Hospital is ranked at number 12 with a bullet (aimed at the ground.)

And if you sat through all of that, you know that Callie and Erica had a whopping four-minute conversation about being lesbian virgins, but not in a Suze Orman kind of a way. They’re excited and scared and clueless, but you know what? They decide that’s OK because they’re going to hold hands as they ride that tunnel of love slash roller coaster also known as same-sex dating.

Keep your hands inside the car at all times, girls.

A note from your humble recapper – Before this season started, there was a lot of buzz about Erica and Callie entering into a relationship — not a lame sweeps hook-up, but a real exploration into what happens when two formerly hetero women find themselves staring at each other’s lips.

Interviews were given. Articles were written. Calls were made to GLAAD, for cripes sake. Brooke Smith looked me right in the eye and said Sara Ramirez is a very good kisser.

But we’re off to a slow start, aren’t we? The two-hour season premiere featured a scant few minutes of Callica, which frankly, is the only reason we’re recapping this show. Hello. We’re AfterEllen.com. We’re gay. Nice to meet you.

That said, this week starts a new Grey’s recapping format: Full coverage of Erica and Callie, lots about that other lesbian couple, Meredith and Cristina, and a recap gangsta drive-by on everything else. Hope that’s OK with your guys. And so, without further ado, grab your cat, put your feet up, take your pants off — here is this week’s recap.

The rules have changed – Meredith is upstairs in the hospital, breaking up with her in-house shrink, Dr. Wyatt (played by Amy Madigan, television’s answer to Cherry Jones) because she’s decided she no longer needs the mental health services of anyone other than Cristina. Meredith feels cured because she’s had a breakthrough and taken her relationship to the next level: co-habitation. “The breaking point is our starting line,” she says.

I’m not sure, because I don’t do therapy, but I think having your boyfriend move in with you is probably when you should start therapy, not end it.

Dr. Wyatt tries to explain this concept to her impatient patient, but Meredith’s late for one of the Chief’s grandiose speeches and has to dash. Thanks for all the good advice. She’ll give that whole “emotionally withholding mother” thing some thought. Buh-bye.

Meanwhile, at Meredith’s house, Izzie finds Derek in her room with a tape measure. Apparently, he’s planning to convert her bedroom into his office when she “moves out,” which is news to Izzie. Izzie runs off to tell Alex there’s an eviction afoot, but he’s in bed with yet another bimbo, who cheerily invites Izzie to join them. She is a keeper.

A while later, everyone’s at work. In the hallway, there’s a confluence of housemates: Meredith, Derek, Izzie and Alex. Derek wants to know if Frick and Frack need help packing. Izzie tries to bribe Meredith with some home-baked muffin-y goodness. Alex asks tersely if he needs to start packing his Penthouses or what?

Meredith doesn’t have any answers, because she’s been blindsided by Derek. Drunk with in-door plumbing power, McPresumey never consulted her about having the house to themselves.

And we all know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and, well, just you.

Hospital rules – The Chief gathers the staff in the hospital’s auditorium for his one-night-only performance of Man of La Mancha, because if anyone at the hospital is Don Quixote, it’s this guy. And George makes a nice Sancho.

Meredith sits down next to her work wife, Cristina, and while they wait, asks her what she should make of Derek’s diabolical plan.

Meredith: So, Derek wants Alex and Izzie to move out. Cristina: Since when does he say “jump” and you jump? Meredith: Well, I’m happy. Cristina: I’d be pissed off… ah, do whatever you want.
Cristina is still easing into her role as Meredith’s supportive “person.” I’m not sure I like these new adventures of old Cristina. It’s like trying to housebreak a grizzly bear.

A few rows back, Sloan sits down behind Erica.

Erica: [to no one in particular] Hey, you hear anything about what the new rules are? Sloan: Last I heard, you were into handholding, foot rubs and lots of late night gab sessions. Erica: Excuse me? Sloan: Oh. You’re talking about the Chief’s new rules. I thought you were referring to you and Torres. I’ve been wrong before.
The trifeca of handholding, foot rubs and late night gab sessions doesn’t sound so much like lesbian dating as it does sleep-away camp. Which, for some of us, was actually the same thing. And you know who you are.

Everyone settles down as the Chief lays out his new rules, which finally correct his ill-conceived, old rules, and announces a stricter enforcement of policies he’s been lax about.

The meeting was for himself, basically, but thanks for coming.

Some new edicts:

From now on, specializing is a no-no. Dermatologists will do tonsillectomies and cardiothoracic surgeons will perform pelvic exams because rib spreaders and speculums are essentially the same thing if you really think about it.

Furthermore, there will be no more personal loyalties or favors. And this means you, mirror’s reflection. This should come as great news to George, who needs to stop being the Chief’s butt monkey before he gets the funny syphilis.

Also, everyone will work on their bedside manners and the “lost art of humanity and compassion.” And lastly, Seattle Grace is a teaching hospital, so everyone better teach and learn with enthusiasm.

To review: Don’t do anything you know, with anyone you know, and be compassionately disinterested about it. Got it?

This week’s cases – Jack, 47, needs an aortic aneurysm repaired. The guy needs something, because he looks like he’s 65. Cardio Super Fan Cristina has done all the preliminary exams and familiarized herself with the case, so what does the Chief do? He pulls her off the case and assigns it to Alex, natch.

Down the hall, Derek shows the residents his patient, Barry. Barry’s tried every medication under the sun for the pounding headache he’s had for seven whole years, but to no avail. On a scale of one to 10, he’s been living with an eight. Divorce will clear that right up.

Meredith did all the leg work on this case, which ends up on Cristina’s plate because the Chief has secretly issued restraining orders for Meredith and Derek: They can not come within 15 feet of the same hippocampus.

Lastly, Shelly, a young Asian woman with no hair, is dying of colon cancer. She has a sister named Jenn, who really embraces her self-appointed role as Shelly’s patient advocate.

Not going to med school never stopped an Asian from acting like they did.

Izzie has developed a rapport with Shelly, but gets ripped from her bedside by the Chief faster than Kirstie Alley can steal a cheeseburger from a blind 9-year-old.

Water, water everywhere – Later, George is sitting down to take re-take his intern test. A drop of water hits his exam booklet. He looks up and sees a soggy ceiling tile bowing ominously down at him.

Down the hall, the aneurysm guy slips on some more water and cracks his skull on the floor.

The Chief tells his maintenance man to fix the leak without shutting off the water, because suddenly, he’s not just a motivational speaker, he’s a plumber. The maintenance guy agrees to the Worst. Repair. Plan. Ever. and wanders away to take his mandatory union break. We never see him again.

Found out – Erica finds Callie at the nurse’s station but doesn’t look overjoyed to see her virginal girlfriend.

Erica: We have a problem. Mark Sloan has found us out. Callie: [laughs] Mark’s known from the beginning. I told him. Erica: He’s Mark Sloan! Callie: What, you don’t have a person that you talk to about things? Erica: You are the person that I talk to about things…
Callie seems to like that notion a little bit.

Erica: …and I like to keep my private life private from everyone. But most definitely from Mark Sloan.
Izzie happens by and Erica lowers her voice like they’re talking about their salaries. Erica gives Izzie a sideways glance and scurries away, to go back into her closet. Izzie isn’t paying any attention to the lesbian drama going on three feet away because she’s eyeing an “Apartment For Rent” notice on the bulletin board.

How are those new rules working out? – Cancer patient Shelly is sick, but even sicker of her sister, Jenn, who can’t stop talking about her condition. Shelly begs Meredith to tell her a story without the word “tumor” in the title.

Meredith tells her the one about the princess with two roommates, a prince and one tiny castle. Shelly likes the roommate who bakes and the other one who fixes things, but she like the prince with the fancy hair best of all. Read it again. Read it again, Mommy!

Meanwhile, Derek offers Cristina the chance to bore holes in headache guy’s skull if only she joins his Facebook cause, “Izzie and Alex Must Die.” Since she’s always been a sucker for a bone drill, she accepts his invitation.

In the background, Little Lexie is observing the patient and suddenly has an epiphany. But the grown-ups, Derek and Cristina, are talking, so she hop-scotches off to find Sloan and tell him about an article she read when she was just an earnest pre-med student. She remembers every word of the article.

Lexie has a photographic memory. Big deal. If you obsessively replay each moment, word and gesture of your chance encounter with a hot Starbucks barista, you, too, can recall every detail, five years later. That’s not called photographic memory. That’s called being a lesbian.

Anywhoosh. Lexie asks Sloan to take a look at Jack’s nose because he might not need a lobotomy. He might just need a really big tissue. Sloan is actually an ear, nose and throat specialist, when he’s not performing boob jobs and face lifts. When his patients cough, their breasts expand. It’s the weirdest thing. Upstairs, Izzie invites Alex to share the awesome apartment she found on the bulletin board but he’d rather live under an overpass than with her. Crest-fallen and feeling “person”-less, she retreats to fantasize about the only person who really loves her, Denny. Too bad he’s deader than disco.

Making rounds – In an O.R., Bailey and Meredith are on a tumor hunt in Shelly’s body cavity. Everything is going along smoothly until Bailey sees something disturbing, and it isn’t an image of the Virgin Mary on her pancreas.

The Chief tosses his new “No Personal Favors” rule out the window and enlists George’s help with a cover-up of the water leak problem and some patient paperwork he doesn’t feel like doing. And by the way, there’s a porn site on his computer that won’t close. Maybe George could take a look at that, too?

In headache guy’s room, Sloan finds the source of the patient’s 7-year-old pain. There’s a nerve going haywire in his nose. Lexie was right. But more importantly, Derek was wrong. Cristina eyes Lexie with disdain because nobody likes a know-it-all. Besides, that’s her job.

The elusive Callica – Callie is in a break room, reading An Idiot’s Guide to Lesbian Sex, hidden inside a book about emergency orthopedics when Erica walks in. They exchange warm glances.

Erica: Look. We don’t even know what we are yet. So, how does Mark Sloan know? Why are you talking to him, instead of me?
Right on cue, Sloan walks into the room, and nonchalantly starting pouring himself a cup of coffee.
Sloan: Ladies… am I interrupting? Erica: Your timing is perfect. Sloan: Really? Were you about to feel her up?
There was nothing prohibiting sex during work hours in the Chief’s new agenda. I say go for it because I’m all for occasional, wildly inappropriate public displays of affection. Erica’s mood is soured. Damn Sloan’s perfect timing. She gives Callie a meaningful glance and leaves. Alone with her buddy, Callie tries to get Sloan to lay off her new girlfriend.
Callie: Stop. You have to stop. Sloan: I can’t. Callie: Seriously, she hates it. Sloan: That’s why I can’t.
Callie picks up a grape and hurls it at Mark. Nice arm since going gay, Torres. Does Seattle Grace have a softball team?

It’s been brought to my attention that Callie might be getting more butch, now that she’s kissing girls. I don’t know if I see it. Thoughts?

Lunch – During lunch, Meredith confronts Cristina for taking Derek’s side. Cristina admits she said she would want Izzie and Alex out of the house, and besides, she only did it to shut him up. That, and for the chance to drill into a guy’s cranium. There’s not much I wouldn’t say to be allowed to do that.

Cristina wants to know what Meredith’s shrink has to say about all this. Too bad we won’t ever know, as Meredith has abandoned therapy in favor of wishing.

Lexie and George sit down. Lexie joins the conversation by marveling at her patient’s seven year endurance of level-eight pain and starts forking feeding George his lunch. Straight people are weird.

Ever compassionate Cristina says the patient should suck it up.

Cristina: There is no way that that guy has been living at an eight. He’s a wimp. His eight? My three. I can take pain. Meredith: You can’t talk to my boyfriend for 10 minutes. Cristina: Well, there’s pain, and then there’s torture.
I heart Cristina.
Cristina: I mean, I can take pain. Seriously. Test me.
Alex grabs Cristina’s hand and gives her a hard man-smack. The Asian robot does not flinch. We’re a stoic bunch.

Poop water – There’s Bailey. Hooray. She approached the Chief and asks for an update on the flooding situation. The Chief pulls his head out of his rectum long enough to tell her dismissively it’s not a flood, “it’s nothing” and goes back to re-assigning the cafeteria staff to the burn unit. Bailey tells her boss about the time her son threw one of his toys in the toilet and she thought it was “nothing” until she came home to several inches of “poop water” in the kitchen. The Chief doesn’t like cautionary tales — he prefers the sound of his own baritone — and replies, “I have this under control.”

You can lead a jackass to poop water, but you can’t make him think.

On another floor, Meredith, Cristina, Izzie and Alex are in an elevator. The doors open. The entire floor is flooded with several inches of water. Doctors and nurses are scrambling to move patients, save equipment, and the Chief is standing in the middle of the chaos, with his hands on his hips. Bailey begs him to send the patients to another hospital so they can perform repairs the right way, but he tells her to scram. Chief, you’re doing a heck of a job.

Nobody likes an Emmy-winner – Alex wants nothing to do with living with her, so Izzie shows the other surly resident in her life, Cristina, the apartment flyer. It’s got hardwood floors, great light, across the street from the hospital, and unlike Cristina’s current apartment, which she shares with Callie, no ghosts of Isaiah Washington. Izzie hands Cristina the flyer and tells her to think about it. Cristina is a bit dumbfounded because in her world, people are only nice when they want your chemistry notes or to borrow money.

Full cavity flush – Erica and Alex have a patient on the operating table when a drop of water hits Erica on the head. More droplets start falling on the surgical instruments. Bailey, who’s watching the operation from the gallery, starts banging on the window frantically and yelling at them to move the patient. Before the doctors realize what’s going on, the entire ceiling gives way, sending chunks of debris and poop water all over the surgical team, the patient and his open abdomen.

I hope the Chief is a better liability defense attorney than he is a hospital administrator or plumber, because where Erica sees dirty plaster on the patient’s duodenum, I see a house in Telluride, a new Porsche, and a month in the penthouse of the Four Seasons, Bali.

Dear God, why is Bailey not in charge? If you want something done right, you need a mouthy, short, black woman. Everybody knows that.

I have this friend… – Later, Cristina takes Meredith’s matters into her own hands and confronts Dr. Wyatt.

Cristina: You can’t let her quit. Dr. Wyatt: Let me guess. Cristina? Cristina: She talks about m..? Whatever. You can’t let her quit because I’m no longer allowed an opinion. Because I’m being supportive. So, you’re my last hope. I mean, it’s your job to have an opinion, right? You’re paid to have an opinion? Dr. Wyatt: That’s right. Cristina: OK, so. She live her life at an “eight.” Her pain, on any given day, she lives at an eight. And he doesn’t get that. I mean, he moves in and expects her to move her roommates out? Which goes to show you how completely he doesn’t get her. Because she needs them. So you need to tell her not to move them out. I mean, it’s not going to work out in the long run anyway. She thinks that she’s happy, but she’s not. And it’s your job to tell her. Dr. Wyatt: It must be incredibly painful for you — the idea of losing Meredith to Derek. Cristina: [screws her face incredulously] You’re a terrible shrink.
This show would be nothing without Sandra Oh.

And that is why lesbian relationships, and even friendships between women, are superior to straight relationships. Who wants someone who can’t sense what you need, assumes you’ll give in to their whims, and has hair on their back, when you have someone who intuitively gets you, is thoughtful and giving, and has cleavage for days?

I feel sorry for straight girls.

Communication is the key to any relationship – It’s been a long day of saving lives, emotional processing and for some, mopping and sheet-wringing. People start drifting into the bar near the hospital. While Lexie shows off her photographic memory to Sloan by reciting the periodic table, Cristina and Callie thank Izzie for referring them to their amazing, new apartment. Izzie goes ballistic because she meant for Cristina to be her roommate and storms out. Poor Izzie, the girl with no “person” of her own. Well, she’ll always have her Emmy.

Callie spies Erica and sits down with her. It is now a gay bar.

Callie: I get that you’re a private person, but I am not. I process my stuff out loud. And I gave up too much of myself in my marriage. I can’t give up pieces of myself again. And Mark is my friend. Erica: I think I just hate him because he’s seen you naked.
Erica also hates George, all of Callie’s exes, her childhood nanny, the ladies at the gym, and her gynecologist. Especially her gynecologist.

After the flood – At the end of the night, Izzie is drinking alone at the pity party she’s throwing for herself on the front porch. Meredith has Derek, Alex is mad at her, and Cristina didn’t even realize she was asking her to share an apartment. And Denny is still dead. Inside the house, Meredith informs Derek she is not moving her friends out because they are her family. And you do not turn your back on family. McSneaky watches her impassively and says, “OK.” And by “OK” he means he’ll wait and try again in a month.

Back at the hospital, George is finally taking his intern test, administered by none other than the Chief. “I can’t do anything about the flood, but I can give you a shot, O’Malley,” he says.

Actually, you could have done something about the flood, Cappy. You just didn’t.

Somewhere, Bailey is laughing her ass off as her son tosses his Spiderman action figure down the toilet.

Next week – Cristina discovers a section of the hospital no one knew existed. Callie spazzes out as she prepares to go on her first real date with Erica. Don’t forget to breathe. And shave.

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