Once upon a time — In a magical place called Seattle, there was
a petulant, crystal-eyed princess named Meredith who stopped obsessing about
her feelings just long enough to go to medical school, after which, she got
a job in a big hospital, where she met Derek McDreamy, a handsome prince with
a lush mane and an aversion to shaving.
They fell in love and spent the next four years making eyes at each other while
fondling someone’s medulla oblongata.
Meanwhile, the other subjects in the kingdom — ruled by the
benevolent and wise Queen
Shonda — scratched out their existences while bumping into,
sleeping with, competing against, and learning Valuable Life Lessons from each
other and those around them.
One day, a tall, mysterious stranger named Hahn strode through the gates,
bringing nothing with her except a set of Ginsu scalpels, strange talk of something
she called “professionalism,” and a wicked self-possession that made
the other residents tremble with fear.
Not long after Hahn’s arrival, talk of a mythical creature named “Callica”
spread throughout the land.Some believed Callica to be a powerful two-headed
woman — one with Goldilocks hair, the other with blinding white
teeth — who was equally adept at cardiothoracic and orthopedic
Some wondered if Callica wasn’t an island off the coast of Sappho.
Others scoffed Callica didn’t exist at all and was just a lot of wishful thinking
by those starved for thoughtful lesbian content in mainstream media.
Which brings us to the present day. Welcome to Shondaland.
endings are all alike — Meredith is right where we left her at
the end of last season: standing in the kitchen of her candle-lit House of Commitment
Horrors blue print. She watches as the wax burns out (how long has she been
out there anyway?) and muses about fairy tales and how, if they don’t come true,
what’s the damn use?
Suddenly, she’s in Seattle Grace Hospital, running frantically towards a treatment room. Meredith’s best friend, Dr. Cristina Yang, the head of the hospital — known to all as Chief — and Drs. Mark, “McSteamy” Sloan and Miranda Bailey are all there.Yang
and the Chief hold Meredith back while the steady and constant tone of a monitor
ominously announces that someone’s vitals have ceased being vital.
Meredith looks through the window and sees Dr. Bailey giving CPR to her
prince, who lies on the table, covered in blood. Bailey stops CPR and through
the glass, we read her lips saying, “Time of death…”
Meredith lets out a painful howl. What?Already? This has to be a dream.
Of course, it is. Meredith bolts up from sleep and voice-overs, “The
person who invented ‘happily ever after’ should have his ass kicked so
Personally, I think “happily ever after” was invented by a woman.A
lesbian, no doubt.
A watched website never updates — Some of the gang are hovered
around a computer, staring at the monitor.
Bailey: Back up. You’re sucking
on my oxygen.
Derek: I’m trying to see.
Bailey: It’s not up yet. There’s
nothing to see.
Hahn: It’s supposed to be posted at
McSteamy: [looks at his watch] 4:15.
Cristina: Hit the refresh
button.You have to reload the page.
Cristina reaches over to take control of the mouse. Bailey slaps her hand
away. Careful! Those paws are delicate surgical instruments. Everyone’s on edge,
waiting for the latest episode of Dara
and Karman’s Hit List to post. That’s right, yo.