Archive

“America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Recaps: Episode 11.5 “Fierce Eyes”

This week’s episode begins with Elina talking about being called first at the last week’s panel: “I can’t even take it in right now.”

Not to be too juvenile here, but when America’s Next Top Model starts off with a “That’s what she said!” joke, you know the night is gonna be good.

Are those lima or string? – Analeigh is relaying her anxiety to Marjorie and Hannah regarding her spot in the bottom two last week. She knows she’s got to step up her game, but she’s understandably nervous about being sent home. Hannah pounces, basically calling them a couple of Debbie Downers who love to throw themselves pity parties: “You guys are always wallowing!” Marjorie jumps to Analeigh’s defense, telling Hannah to quit being so insensitive, that Analeigh has “every right to be sad.” What a pal, that Marjorie!

This is all lost on Hannah, of course, who takes her confessional as an opportunity to dole out the strangest advice I’ve ever heard. When you’re feeling down, apparently you should just “pick up your beans and you keep on rollin’.” I get the message, but … beans? Is Hannah actually 65 years old? And an Alaskan farmer? Hmm … this must be a small-town thing.

These shoes are made for bowling – It’s time for the runway walk tutorial and as can be expected, the girls and Miss J head to … a bowling alley. The girls put on high-heel bowling shoes (Hannah: “I didn’t even know they made stuff like that!”) and do their best to strut down the wax-covered lanes. I will be the first to admit I attempted the very same thing (OK, I was wearing regular ol’ bowling shoes) after a positively wild night wherein I drank beer and, for the first time, bowled more than 100.

The point here is not my rather pathetic bowling skills, but that I only got about half a foot down the lane before my feet came out from under me and I fell unceremoniously on my rear; any small amount of cool I’d managed to accumulate in my life up to that point was whisked away in a wax-scented cloud that mysteriously sounded like the laughter of drunken bowlers.

Wait, that’s not the point either! The point is (I swear this time for reals), most of the models did fairly well during what was surely a difficult training session. Please note, I said most. Samantha’s bow legs prove to be a bit of a problem as she clomps down the alley, but she vows to make ’em work regardless: “I’m gonna rock my bow legs!” Yes, Samantha, I’m sure you will. Whatever you do, please promise me you won’t ever stop making the awesome faces you pull in every confessional. Meanwhile, Hannah’s walk bears a strong resemblance to Mick Jagger’s famous on-stage chicken strut. Later, at home, she practices on the mini runway but doesn’t show much improvement. Uh oh … I think it might be time for someone to start picking up her beans.

Gossip girls – Lauren Brie and Clark with No E engage in a little household gossip, and Clark once again takes the opportunity to slag on Isis: her hands and waist aren’t feminine enough, and Clark thinks it’s high time Isis hits the road. Mind you, this was all said in a whisper, so I don’t think we’re supposed to know about it!

Being talked about is nothing new for ANTM’s first transgender contestant, though, and Isis proves fearless when talking to Joslyn and McKey … err, I think she proves fearless, anyway. “When I’m on that runway, what are you gonna say? You can’t tell me nuthin’.” Nothing, Isis? I can’t even warn you of, say, impending danger at the end of the catwalk, like, “Look out for that bear that’s shooting lasers at you!”? I’m just saying, it’s good to keep your ears open.

In related news, a laser-shooting bear would be pretty cool.

The most important thing to note about the exchange between Isis, McKey and Joslyn (yes, more important than Isis’s determination and McKey’s never-ending support) is that it all takes place in the bathroom, where we can see that the girls have taken down the creepy picture of Bald Tyra last seen in Episode Two, tucking it away behind piles of makeup. I high-fived all of them in my head for their collective good sense.

Where’s the Monopoly guy? – It’s time for the models to put all their minutes of practice to the test in a real, live runway show where they’ll have to walk while blindfolded. I sure hope they all practiced super-duper hard, because for one of them, this challenge will be (cue ominous music) her last. That’s right, Isis … I said (cue ominous music) her last! The girl judged to have the poorest walk will continue walking poorly all the way home and will not be included in the next photo shoot. Who will be sent home? Will it be bow-legged Samantha? Analeigh, the Debbie Downer? Or maybe Hannah, with her chicken walk? Stay tuned to find out!

Annnd we’re back. The models are to strut their stuff in a disused, vintage bank, sporting a new collection by Jeremy Scott – a collection inspired by, in the words of the designer, “opulence, wealth and glamour.” It’s good to know that Mr. Scott is so in touch with the current U.S. economic crisis!

Things quickly escalated from “Wow, ANTM feels extra silly and unreal this week” to “Are you effing kidding me?!” when the designs were revealed. It’s all Halloween up in here: Marjorie’s dress makes her look like a grandfather clock, Lauren Brie is made to look like a library, and Sheena wears a sweater (with leggings … what, is it 1996 again?) that looks … sigh. It makes her look like a giant credit card. What really had me thinking that this was all one big joke, however, was McKey’s dress, which she said made her feel “amazing.” Is this thing a joke? Please tell me someone’s trying to put one over on me. You simply can’t convince me that no one, at any point during the dress’s journey from the concept sketch to the runway show, said, “You’re not serious, are you, Jeremy Scott? That’s the dress from Carol Burnett’s famous Gone With the Wind sketch – you know, where she makes a dress out of the drapes and leaves the rod in? You can’t, like, make that a real dress in a serious manner, Mr. Scott. To speak of that is to speak of madness.” Why didn’t anyone stop him? It’s … it’s just gotta be a joke. This is all Tyra’s attempt to bring to light the inherent ridiculousness in the fashion industry, yes? This “Jeremy Scott” is just some actor hired by the producers, right? Right?! Mommy, make it OK!

Elina talks a bit about the high of being the first model down the runway, about how “even if you suck, you still feel so cool.” Tonight’s ANTM lesson: being the first model down the runway is obviously just like the sensation you get when you bite into a delicious York Peppermint Pattie.

Analeigh decides that despite the blindfold, she’s going to “smile with her friggin’ eyes” and somehow, she does just that. She struts down the runway with a newfound confidence that really pays off. Samantha gets to the end of the runway and inexplicably lifts her dress some, making Miss J cringe in terror as if he’s being terrorized by something that smells awful. Jeremy Scott would later go on to talk about how disrespectful and offensive this was to him as a designer. I’d just like to go on record stating that personally, I find ripping off Carol Burnett skits for your new collection beyond offensive. Why would anyone think that was a good idea – ah. There goes my blood pressure again! I’m going to think some calming thoughts for a while, maybe put on some Enya or Songs of the Humpbacks or something to soothe my jangled nerves. You won’t defeat me, Jeremy Scott!

Hannah, unfortunately, is all weird angles and awkward, halting movements during her dreadful walk, and in the judging after the runway show, the poor thing gets the boot. She looks about ready to vomit, but quickly turns her look of abject disappointment into a big smile. She takes her own advice and keeps on rollin’ right out the door, but not before reminding us once more that she’s from Alaska. To her credit, she claims to have “learned so much about myself and about other people”; let’s hope that her narrow worldview was truly broadened just a bit for the better.

The challenge winner is Joslyn, who thanks Jesus and scores a Seventeen Magazine photo shoot, for which she brings along Isis and Sheena. They’re modeling some new pieces by 15-year-old Russian designer Kira Plastinina. Fifteen. A 15-year-old designer. When I was 15, my greatest achievements weren’t nearly so grand: I went to see The Cure in concert, and I survived a bad perm. Actually, surviving that perm was a grand achievement … oh no, here come the flashbacks. Excuse me while I go over to the corner to rock back and forth gently and cry for a bit.

Turn that frown upside down – Despite her great performance at the runway show, Analeigh continues to be plagued with doubt and relays her anxiety to Marjorie yet again. “Do well,” says Marjorie, “you can’t go home.” No, neither of you can! You’re nice and well adjusted and I like you both, so please stick around for a while.

Just don’t drown with your eyes – The next morning Mr. Jwakes the models up nice and early for their photo shoot, which will be taking place in the pool outside with “noted fashion photographer” and ANTM judge Nigel Barker. He wants them to pose while almost completely under water so they’re really forced to communicate with their eyes, which, according to Nigel, are the windows to the soul. He’s so sensitive, that Nigel!

McKey is a bit nervous about the shoot, claiming to have only two eye expressions: bug and squint. She’s afraid she’ll try something new and end up looking like this: Personally, I would love it if her photo came out looking like that. It would be like a thousand birthday gifts all in one.

During Marjorie’s session, Mr. J calls her a “sea mammal” and somehow means it as a compliment. Meanwhile, her bestest bud Analeigh gets the treacly and sad piano music cue as she talks about the importance of this shoot, and I start to think she’s doomed. To my surprise, she rocks it out and ends up feeling “High on life, yo!” Aw, Analeigh and her little yos are so adorable.

According to Mr. J, Clark is “straight-up flirting with Nigel”; I find myself to be straight-up barfing, but Clark’s methods seem to work and she does well.

Elina, on the other hand, has an extremely difficult time with the semi-submerged shoot. She can’t seem to get it together and claims to be “stuck” with regard to posing. This control freak really needs some loosening up if she’s going to go far in the competition. Any volunteers willing to help her out?

Isis, meanwhile, has concerns of her own: as with last week’s swimsuit shoot, there’s the matter of keeping Isis, Jr. well-concealed in a bikini bottom. Not to get too scientific here, but see, water and tape tend not to mix well. She gets a telephone pep talk from her godfather and does her best to soldier on through, but she struggles. Her best isn’t quite her best, and Isis may very well find herself in the bottom two. We’ll be back right after this message from our sponsors.

Welcome back to America’s Next Top Model – At panel, Isis elaborates on the reasons why she was so apprehensive and timid during the shoot; she was preoccupied with “maneuvering things” and making sure nothing down below was playing peek-a-boo under the water. Tyra is hilariously mortified at Isis’s bout of giving way too much information and can’t properly smile with her mouth, let alone with her eyes. Lauren Brie’s photo comes up, and holy crap, the girl simply cannot take a bad picture. If she wasn’t so milquetoast during every other second of every episode, she’d probably be my favorite this season. The judges are mixed when it comes to Analeigh’s photo, but the pendulum seems to have swung in her favor this week. Can I get a “phew” up in here? Please? Yo?

Despite her gorgeous eyes, Elina doesn’t perform up to expectations this week and her picture is lackluster. Tyra gives her advice regarding angles to take the emphasis off of Elina’s heavy eyelids: “The meat falls on top of your eyes,” says Tyra, and for those of you keeping score at home, that’s our second, “That’s what she said!” joke of the night.

What? I never said these recaps would be highbrow.

According to Paulina, Marjorie’s photo looks like “the headless horseman drowning in a pool of blood,” but Tyra gives it her stamp of fierce-proval. I think it’s a fantastic shot, but the more I look at it, the more I see where Paulina is coming from. In fact, the more I look at it, the weirder it gets. How is her head connected to her body, exactly? She’s like an M.C. Escher drawing come to life! The woman of a thousand ridiculous faces – After the judges deliberate, it’s time to decide who is “going back to their hizzle fo’shizzle,” as Tyra says, proving just how in touch she is with youth culture. She goes through the usual math spiel regarding the number of photos and the number of remaining girls and how they don’t match, and it’s all very somber.

Clark’s efforts at making bedroom eyes with Nigel (gawd, I wanna curl up and die just from typing that) have earned her the top spot this week. Though I think it’s Clark’s best work so far, I don’t think she should have been called first, but then what do I know? I don’t go around saying things like “hizzle,” so clearly I’m the one out of step here. Analeigh has bounced back from the bottom all the way to the number two spot, and seeing her hard work pay off and her worries melt away almost makes me forget about that damn Carol Burnett dress. I said almost! You’re still on my list, Jeremy Scott!

Must … remember … to breathe.

Not everyone has taken such stellar photos this week, though, and Samantha and Isis find themselves at the bottom of the heap. Jeremy Scott lands on my list again – no wait, he comprises my entire list – when he scolds Samantha about her runway walk so much that she cries. I can’t help it, I’ve got a soft spot for Samantha. No, she shouldn’t have flashed the audience the way she did … but she makes ridiculous faces and her confessionals are always entertaining! That’s more than I can say for my new arch nemesis, whose name I shall no longer speak but it might just rhyme with Shmeremy Shmott.

The judges think they’ve got Isis all figured out: she’s tried to blend in with the other girls so much that she no longer stands out at all. Hey, if that reasoning makes everyone more comfortable than talking about “maneuvering” one’s junk, then so be it. Sadly, Isis’ potential has diminished far enough that she’s the one sent packing.

Tyra reminds Isis that although she’s heading home, she’s made great strides and has been an “inspiration to the gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual community.” She’s absolutely right of course, but she can’t say it without being all … Tyra about it and mugging her way through the sentiment. I really wanted Isis to stick around longer, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Over her goodbye montage, she talks about how the experience has made her stronger and how she will bravely continue to smile with her eyes. For this, Isis more than earns this week’s “I Heart Her” award. Oh, Isis. I’ll miss your gap-toothed smile, your random tiara, and your oversized novelty earrings. Next week: The girls are fed up with Marjorie? EXCUSE ME?!

 

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button