Archive

“America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Recaps: Episode 11.4 “You’re Beautiful, Now Change”

I’m still trying to sort out my feelings for the most recent episode of ANTM. Half the time I was grinning like a fool while the 12 remaining models endured their makeovers, and the other half of the time I was getting facial cramps from all my cringing at the…at the…well, “antics” doesn’t quite indicate the agony I was feeling. Oh Top Model, how you toy with my emotions!

Choose your toppings – The show opens with Brittany and Analeigh yammering about their weaknesses how they really need to apply themselves this week to impress the judges. Analeigh wants to show more personality and improve her posing abilities, while Brittany is…uh, constantly told she’s pretty and…that’s…bad? Regardless of what they’re actually saying, however, we know what all the yap yap means: one of them is toast!

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m totally on a predicting streak here. In fact, I may not be around to recap next week – ANTM has shown me that I’ve obviously found my calling as a medium. I may have to set up shop somewhere all Madam Ruby-style. They wouldn’t keep giving the results away in the editing, would they? Surely not – quit trying to crush my dreams!

The girls come home to find Tyra waiting for them, wearing a tiara and brandishing a wand. She instructs them all to put on tiaras (or “little crowns” as Joslyn calls them) and pizza – excuse me, “smokin’ hot and extra fierce” ANTM pizza – while she regales them with tales from TyraLand.

Apparently Tyra didn’t “blossom” until she’d already started modeling, and when all her lovely lady lumps came in she was told to lose weight. Instead, she chose a different route to supermodel status: she ate pizza with her mom, gave up high fashion, and decided to model for outfits such as Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated (a magazine for which, in fact, she became the first black model to grace the cover).

Tune in next week when we present Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore – Just as I’m getting my ’90s talk show on and thinking “You go, girl!” things on Top Model took an abrupt turn into WhatTheEffsVille. Tyra starts to tell the girls about their makeovers when Miss J slinks around the corner looking like the evil witch in Snow White, complete with the requisite warts and apples. Tyra takes a bite from an apple, Jay Manuel shows up in full costume as “Prince Couture” to whisk her away, and I don’t know where I am or what’s happening anymore.

Surely had Dante lived this long, his Inferno would have included a tenth circle of Hell, and it would consisted solely of this performance by The America‘s Next Top Model Community Players.

What, is that too melodramatic? Eh. Honestly, I wasn’t sure whether to be more embarrassed for them or for myself, and it all got me wondering: how much self-awareness does Tyra have? See, it’s like the sci fi nightmare featured on the season premiere: I can’t figure out if they (read: Tyra) know how ridiculous it is and they’re laughing with me, or if they (again: Tyra) think it’s all genuinely funny and clever, and therefore I’m laughing at them and sinking down into my couch cushions.

At the end of the day, I suppose it doesn’t matter: Tyra’s a total kookadook and here she reigns supreme – she sports the biggest “little crown” of them all!

On the whim of a nutter – Makeover time, squeee! In a surprise twist, the mirrors in the salon are all covered over so the girls don’t really know what’s happening to them until it’s all over.

The scissors come out, and Tyra continues the madness by popping up in the corner of the screen like some creepy fairy godmother; soon the tears start flowing. Some makeovers aren’t so extreme: Lauren Brie’s hair is simply changed from “wicked blonde” to “super wicked blonde, like, so blonde she’s practically translucent,” Analeigh goes from brown to blonde, and Isis, Brittany, and Joslyn get some length and body via the magical powers of the weave.

Hannah gets a pageboy that’s a bit adorable and had me thinking “Holy crap, the Sagal Twins of television’s Double Trouble weren’t twins at all – they were triplets!” In related news, writing about the Sagal Twins and their 80s sitcom surely has some of you going “Err…old, much?” to which I say, “Get off my lawn, you damn kids. Why is it so cold in here? I need a shrug and some unguent. Agh, I feel another bursitis flare-up coming on.”

Marjorie goes from blonde to brown and it really works for her; McKey goes from long-n-red to short-n-dark and the jury’s still out. Clark goes dark as well, but is determined to stay “blonde inside,” and Elina…Elina…oh, Elina.

All her hopes that her makeover wouldn’t be too drastic are jettisoned directly into the sun when Miss J says it will, in fact, be “da-raaaastic”. That’s still understating the matter.

The weave “mastress” shows up, busts out a bright red Wookiee scalp, and the hip, intense, bisexual vegan is transformed into Carrot Top’s stunt double. Elina cries, and I cry right along with her. Why…why…just why, Fairy TyraMother? It’s because with the dark hair, Elina resembled Angelina Jolie a bit too much and there can only be one Angelina Jolie (to rule them all).

I question this reasoning, because I my mind, having more than one Angelina Jolie in the world is a far better prospect than having more than one Ronald McDonald.

It’s this stuff you put on your face – After the makeovers are finished and the soul-bleeding has subsided a bit, the models are whisked away to that magical land known as “Wal Mart” where they’ll be giving an impromptu kinda-commercial for some new Cover Girl makeup foundation system thingy. It’s all improvised, but they need to give an effective explanation of the product whilst emoting in a Cover Girl fashion.

Hey, if Ellen DeGeneres can do it, they should have no problem, right?

Wrong! Well, a couple of them manage it – Hannah and Samantha, at least, expound Cover Girlishly. Elina struggles under the big red rain cloud that is her new ‘do and can’t form a complete sentence before her time is up. Marjorie, meanwhile, is super cute but quips “Thank God for Walgreens!” Something tells me that the suits at Wal Mart might be sticklers when it comes to, you know, the name of their store.

I’m not a stickler, however, and this slip of the tongue earns Marjorie this week’s “I Heart Her” Award. Hannah takes home the grand prize, which consists of a goody bag and a $1000 Wal Mart gift certificate. Man, I could buy so much dishwashing liquid with that kinda scratch. I’d so be soaking in it!

Man, there I go dating myself again. Damn you kids! If that ball comes over my fence one more time, it’s mine!

Mommie dearest – Back at the model pad, Brittany is talking about her mom and how much she loves her. Elina enters and casually says, “I’ve never loved my mom.” Err, drama in 3…2…1…

When pressed, Elina says her mother may have provided necessities but never really provided love, and that she was never allowed to express emotions, be they good or bad. Man, oh man, this totally explains her need to maintain control over herself at all times and why she generally comes across as a bit of a Stepford Bisexual.

Brittany and Joslyn don’t see it that way, however, and feel that if Elina truly “hates” her mom, then she shouldn’t take all the free room and board from her. I see their point, but family relationships are tricky beasts and no two are alike – sort of like dysfunctional snowflakes.

Brittany goes so far as to call Elina an “evil bitch” and a “psycho,” which is maybe overstating things just a wee bit.

Look what washed up on shore – The models head to the beach and don swimsuits for their first post-makeover photo shoot. Analeigh worries about posing while she lacks confidence, Elina worries about posing while looking like the lead in Annie, and Isis worries about posing while having private no-no parts tuck issues in a bikini. For once, Jay M isn’t on-set to give the girls constant feedback – they have to work it all on their own.

Hannah struggles to keep her eyes from looking completely insane. Samantha works her new coif nicely, while Brittany tries not to look “just pretty” and Analeigh tries not to be upstaged by a large rock.

Curtain call – It’s time for judgment to be passed on my fair ladies, and I’m just thankful that Tyra’s not dressed up like Sleeping Beauty or something equally as princessy and bizarre.

What is bizarre, however, is the advice she gives Sheena upon seeing her photo: “Toot your booty out” – for a moment I think she’s talking about flatulence and I’ve officially entered the eleventh circle of Hell.

Sheena says she was simply trying to “smile with her eyes” and I love Sheena just a little bit more than I did last week.

Clark’s photo is a bit meh. More than anything, it leaves me wondering how long it will be before Tyra reminds Clark that there are actually two sides to her face. Yeah, everyone on the show has her good side, but geez. It’s not as if she’s Two-Face or something. Clark, I’m sure your right side is just as pretty as your left one.

Elina works some magic from her weave-induced trauma. There’s no denying it’s simply gorgeous and she’s called first. Lauren Brie never makes much of an impression on me in confessionals or at the house, but man, the girl knows how to give good face in a picture. I’ve decided that Marjorie is officially my favorite, although perhaps I shouldn’t type that out loud as my proclamations are usually a hex. But I can’t help it! I love the brown hair. In a shocking twist from what I’d predicted almost an hour earlier, Brittany and Analeigh land at the bottom.

Wait, that’s not a twist at all.

Who goes home? Brittany, who’s cursed with “prettiness”? Or Analeigh, whose figure skating past should give her a cutting edge?

Wow, even I’m groaning at that one.

Analeigh triple salchows her way into next week, while Brittany is sent home to mama…hey, at least she loves her mother. She leaves us all with these cryptic words: “When I don’t think about it, it looks like I’m not thinking about it.” and somehow, I know exactly what she’s talking about. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know! Oh Top Model, how you toy with my emotions!

Get more info on the official Top Model website, and read previous ANTM recaps here.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button