Call me Miss Cleo — You know, I’ve never thought of myself as being particularly psychic. It’s not often that I can accurately predict the future … although one morning last week I thought, “I’m having tacos for dinner!” and then, like, eight hours later I totally did!
Obviously I’m tapping into some heretofore-unknown magical predicting abilities because within the first 45 seconds of last night’s episode, I knew who was going home.
OK, fine, either I’m suddenly clairvoyant or the editing telegraphed the ending right from the beginning, with Nikeysha blah blahing here and blah blahing there about how she blah blahs too much and she needs to improve her game.
Reality show rule of thumb: Screen time is often a death knell.
Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache — The girls are shuffled into a warehouse where they’re greeted by the infamous Benny Ninja, Top Model’s resident posing instructor.
As Benny sits all flexy-style atop a box, a few thoughts enter my mind — first, I’m surprised that his last name is “Ninja” because he doesn’t look Japanese at all, and second, how does one become a “posing instructor”? Why didn’t my high school guidance counselor ever suggest this occupation to me? I want to be a posing instructor!
Last night I decided to pursue this new career with vigor and I spent some time working with my cat. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but after 20 minutes of “Girrrrl, not like that — like this!” Madame Tinkles was looking fierce, y’all.
Anyway, Mr. Ninja and his cohort, Bree, a “model and entertainer” who travels the world dazzling crowds with her “extreme posing,” show the girls a trick or two before telling them to climb inside some giant pantyhose and start vogueing.
Sheena shows off her rubber-limbed prowess by practically wrapping her leg around her head, and she does well, although she still needs to learn the distinction between “model sexy” and “hooch sexy.”
It’s a lesson we all need to learn at some point in our lives.
Nikeysha, on the other hand, is told that her skills aren’t quite up to snuff — or rather, that she alternately looks like she’s gassy or in labor. I start to have high school senior portrait flashbacks … Why did I ever think that being photographed inside a large fabric tube was a good idea?
Model stew — Everyone piles in the Jacuzzi and plays a rousing game of Truth or Dare. In a shocking twist, Sheena chooses “dare” and Elina immediately tells her to dance for everyone. Sheena complies and does her best Fly Girl routine, shaking all of her bits and pieces in various ways.
She’s kind of like an episode of “Yo, MTV Raps!” come to life, and that’s kind of why I dig her.