Elisha Cuthbert returns to “24” – with a surprise

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Back off terrorists — this time its personal! As you may know, Elisha

Cuthbert
will be reprising the role of Kim Bauer, the frequently

imperiled daughter of Jack, on the upcoming seventh season of

24. And [minor spoilers — watch out] she will apparently

have a baby with her this time around. Just think of the

grandkid-snatching potential! All the offensive excuses for Kim to

behave inexplicably incompetently; the election-year-friendly focus

on the (straight, white, very patriotic) family.

This earthshaking news has divided 24 fans, the line forming between those who found Cuthbert’s

character an insufferable brat and those who think she is smokin’

hot. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a

hardcore 24 junkie, and I’m not ragging on the girl, but she

doesn’t really do anything for me. Thus, I have little stake in the

debate beyond where to best view the scuffle while eating my popcorn.)

I am invested in the reason, though, for Cuthbert’s return. I think we

all know what that is:

Didn’t turn into her big motion picture breakout, eh? I’d expect

more people remember the controversy over the non-MPAA approved

misogyny-stoking posters than the film itself, or even the

fact that Cuthbert was in it. Pick your torture porn better next

time, sweetie! For all the flack Lindsay Lohan took, at least I Know

Who Killed Me
has clear cult potential. As box office failures

go, Captivity was no Hostel: Part II (which I will eagerly

defend to you if ever the opportunity should arise).

But I digress — what will Kim do on this day of days? Supposedly she

will not appear in the two hour prequel movie set in a fictional

country in Africa called Sangala (sure to become the most well-known

African nation to most people in the United States,) which follows Jack’s

attempts to handle an international crisis during the inauguration of

the USA’s first female president. The circumstances of Cuthbert’s arrival with child in a late season story

arc remain shrouded in mystery.

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