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“America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Recaps: Episode 11.1 & 11.2

Most likely, anyone looking at me right now would wonder why I’m pounding on my keyboard and scrunching up my face like I can smell something unpleasant. I’m not simply exhibiting antisocial behavior; rather, I’m typing fiercely whilst I smile with my eyes, and that can only mean one thing: America’s Next Top Model is back, baby.

It’s time to jump into the eco-friendly Tyramobile and blast into the mysterious wasteland of posing, bitchery and insanity known as “Cycle 11.” Episode 11.1 “The Notorious Fierce Fourteen” Future’s so bright, it looks like 20 years ago – Our first stop is the future, which looks astonishingly like a Z-grade science fiction movie. There’s cardboard, blinking lights and tinfoil as far as the eye can see, but fear not – we haven’t wandered onto the set of Alien Star Crystal. We’ve arrived at the Top Model Institute of Technology.

Jay Manuel and Miss J are there to guide the semifinalists (and the viewers) through the unknown; both wear silver to remind us that we’re in the future.

So what exactly happens at the Top Model Institute of Technology?

For one thing, they “analyze pertinent data,” which means … err … well, I’m not sure exactly, but it involves lasers and that’s all that really matters.

Not only are lasers extra futuristic, but they also make everything better. Everything! It’s a fact. This morning, if I had toasted my toast with the power of lasers, it would have been at least 27% more delicious. My hair would be way more fierce if I cut it with lasers instead of just biting off the split ends.

Pose with me if you want to live – The Jays introduce the squealing girls to The Glaminator, which, unfortunately, is not one of The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. The Glaminator is a device which will glam up the top model wannabes … or something like that. It’s all a little vague.

But no matter! Before anyone can step into the machine, it starts to smoke and shake! It malfunctions (fiercely) and out of the smoke steps … Tyrabot, causing the semifinalists to squeal even harder. My ears bleed, but only a little, and I can work it!

Robot Tyra sports some seriously fierce facial glitter and distracting cleavage as she tells the girls … uh … something about cleavage?

Sorry. Like I said, it was really distracting.

Wait, I remember! Tyrabot reassures the squealers that she’s not looking for America’s Next Top Martian, but rather America’s Next Top Model. This is good – I have a feeling it’d be tough to find a Martian living in America. Then again, the show has moved back to Hollywood…

After 10 cycles, Tyra finally cuts to the chase: This show isn’t about smiling with eyes, being fierce, or whatever hot-button soapbox issue is popular today. She asks the girls simply, “Can you make money?” and her candor is simultaneously refreshing and depressing. You know, just like that sensation you get if you watch Terms of Endearment while you chew that gum with a liquid center.

Cat suits and yoga balls – Yep, just another Top Model photo shoot. The girls don blue cat suits and pose their hardest with those giant inflatable exercise balls.

The results are decidedly mixed as everyone learns what it takes to give good photo when you don’t know what you’re doing. Samantha shows her “creativity” by giving herself a makeup job straight out of A Clockwork Orange, Sheena sees balls and can’t help but climb on top of them, and Tyra and The Jays “beam up fiercely.”

God, I’ve missed this show.

14 is the fiercest number – The semifinalists are pared down to 20 potential Top Model Institute of Technology graduates. They give The Jays their best runway walks, which are analyzed with the help of lasers.

I’m hoping that perhaps there’s some sort of TMIT correspondence course I can take, complete with a textbook that includes chapters such as “Boosting Self-Esteem Through the Power of Insults,” “Weave Maintenance 101: Dos, Do Not Dos, and Oh No You Di’n’ts,” and “How To Survive On Vitriol and Four Calories A Day”… and a home laser kit, of course.

Tyra fondles the buttons on the blinking, bleeping machinery (don’t forget, we’re in the future!) and the Top 20 are cut to the Fierce Fourteen.

Folks, meet the finalists:

Brittany R.: She’s got a multiethnic background (black and Native American), and she’s out to prove something or other to her hometown of Las Vegas.

Brittany B.: She brought along her lucky underwear, which obviously works. Note to self #1: It’s not necessary to actually wear lucky underwear; stashing it in a pocket seems to do the trick just fine. Note to self #2: Get lucky underwear.

Brittany S.: Brittany S. is the fighter with a heart of gold! She spars with her boyfriend, who’s a cage fighter. That’s hot. She reminds me of a redheaded Kristen Bell. That’s also hot.

Marjorie: She’s Cycle 11’s resident weirdo sweetheart. Originally from France, she’s a bundle of adorable nerves who’s going to get slaughtered when it’s time for the models to speak, if she makes it that far.

Elina: Bisexual vegan alert! She informs Tyra that she only wears “non-gender-specific” clothes; i.e., black pants and shirts. This personal preference can only mean one of two things: Elina is a lesbian, or Elina is a 1960s beat poet. Tyra comes right out and asks Elina if she’s a lesbian, and Elina comes right out … sorta, in that vague noncommittal way: “I just consider myself to be a very sexual person who loves who she loves no matter what gender they may be.”

Kudos for the honesty, Elina, but why all the purple prose? Why not say, “No, I’m bisexual”? If someone asks if I enjoy pizza, I say “Yes,” I don’t say, “I consider myself to be someone who just enjoys the delicious combination of cheese, sauce, dough and toppings, no matter what form they take.” Eh. Maybe Elina loves language as much as she loves the ladies and “bringing them over to her side” for sport. I’m pretty sure that sport is called “douchebaggery.”

Clark: Clark is pulling double duty as the object of Elina’s affection and this cycle’s Grade A Bitch. Clark busts out all the requisite bitch patter: She’s the prettiest girl in the competition, she’s got a walk that intimidates everyone, she’s exceptional, no one is going to stand in her way, and of course, everyone’s favorite reality show chestnut, “I’m not here to make friends.”

Contestants like Clark are tolerable because the universe’s karmic grand design (by which I mean, the show’s producers) dictates that The Bitch will stick around for a while to entertain us, but in the end The Bitch will not win.

Sheena: I. Love. Sheena. This Korean hottie from Harlem is a charming combination of sass and sweetness. She’s supportive, accepting and funny. I only hope that as the season progresses she manages to overcome the Hooch Hurdle and stay in it for a long, long time. Like, till the end. She’s one of my early favorites … which means she’s probably doomed. Analeigh: She told this elaborate story about how she became embroiled in some Saudi Arabian mail-order bride/white slavery ring. I totally smell a Lifetime movie in the making … somebody get me Tori Spelling and Tracey Gold on the phone!

Nikeysha: Nikeysha thought it would be a good idea to introduce herself by flashing the judges’ table, and that’s really all I have to say about Nikeysha at the moment.

Hannah: This cycle’s “Golly gee!” contestant, Hannah hails from a small town in Alaska that apparently doesn’t feature modern conveniences like heat, water, electricity or billboards for America’s Next Top Model.

Joslyn: I love Joslyn almost as much as I love Sheena. Maybe more. Joslyn’s excitable (read: high-pitched), she’s funny, she’s genuine, and she’s auditioned for Top Model more than 30 times.

Apparently the old saying is true: If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again … then try some more, then give it another shot, then don’t quit, then keep at it, then say, “Just one more time!”, then motivate yourself by gazing at your “Hang in there, kitty!” poster for a while, then reassure people you’re not actually insane when you say you’re trying again …

Lauren: Within the next three or four episodes, Lauren will be the model with the dreaded “no personality” edit. In a two-hour premiere, I think she said a total of four words, at least one of which was her own name.

Samantha: She’s an athlete who’s got that whole ’70s-girl-next-door vibe going on. However will she cope when things get all couture-y and extra-fiercey?

Isis: Isis stole the effing show as an extra during the “homelessness awareness” shoot in Cycle 10, out-posing virtually every contestant on the show. She caught the eye of Tyra and her minions, and now here she is on Cycle 11 ready to work.

This Cinderella story is, in fact, a Cinderfella story: Isis is ANTM’s first transgender model. While this is a huge, welcome step forward for the transcommunity, Isis claims to have no agenda beyond a simple desire to be a model. It’s a nice contrast to Elina’s “I’m modeling with a purpose: to strike a blow for vegans everywhere!” mission; not everyone wants to bear the weight of a social movement on her shoulders, and sometimes simply being there and being visible is enough. Isis is also one of the early favorites in the competition – the girl can strike a pose. Pomp and circumstance – And with that, we’ve got TMIT’s graduating class, The Fierce Fourteen of Cycle 11. Flunkies include Susan, the Harvard-educated English and American Literature major who was unfamiliar with such obscure works as The Good Earth and White Fang, and Lindsey, who falls into the most unfortunate no man’s land for a model: She’s not plus-sized enough to be plus-sized and not not plus-sized enough to be not plus-sized … whoa. That broke my brain.

Eh, maybe they’ll take a cue from Joslyn and try, try again next year.

Episode 11.2 “Top Model Inauguration” The house that Tyra built – The girls squeal their way into the gorgeous Los Angeles home they’ll be sharing for the coming weeks. As you’d expect, the house is chock full of photos of Tyra, including this Cycle 6 shot, right next to the bathroom mirror: It’s mesmerizing and it makes me feel funny, but I don’t know if it’s in a good way or a bad way. I’d probably end up stuck in the bathroom for days, gibbering and trying to figure it out.

What’s in a name? – As you may have noticed, this Cycle boasts more Brittanys than ever before – yes, Cycle 11 is truly groundbreaking.

To clear up any confusion before things get underway, two of the Brittanys must change their names; thus, Brittanys B. and S. become “Sharaun” and “McKey,” respectively.

What would I call myself if I were forced to change my name for the good of America’s Next Top Model? Hmm. I’d have a tough time deciding between Patch, Juice and Glaminator.

Is it bigger than a breadbox? – The Fierce Fourteen spend some time in the house getting to know each other, which mostly involves playing an endless game of 20 questions with Isis:

What’s the deal? (She’s pre-op.) What happens to Isis, Jr. when you need to pose in bikini bottoms? (She calls on the magical powers of tape.)

… and so on. To her credit, Isis handles the entire affair with patience and class. McKey is fantastically supportive, calling Isis “brave,” while Clark and Hannah are “uncomfortable as hell” knowing that Isis is still an outtie to their innies. In fact, were Isis to walk around in Clark’s hometown “like that,” she could expect to be shot. Not that these people are closed-minded, of course – they’re just “traditional.” Really, Clark? Really? The Annual Butter Festival is a tradition. Shooting gay and/or transgender people is actually a hate crime.

Oh Clark, I’d love to hate you in that, “Ooh, I just hate JR Ewing!” kind of way, but so far your only redeeming characteristic is … umm … that you haven’t actually shot anyone yet.

That I know of, anyway.

Clark is an equal-opportunity bitch, however, and also spends some time making fun of McKey, whose workout routine includes punching pillows … and no, that’s not a euphemism.

And now, for my next trick … – Everyone heads over to the Magic Castle (which is the clubhouse headquarters for magicians in Los Angeles), where they meet Ed Alonzo, the Misfit of Magic.

Does anyone really, truly like magicians? They all seem sort of irritating to me, but maybe I’m just jealous that I can’t saw people in half and pull quarters out of my ears. And who represents my magician sisters? Are there any female magicians? I can’t think of one – women always seem to be relegated to the “assistant” role … I demand magic equality now!

Anyway. The Misfit of Magic somehow conjures up the judges’ panel! Thrill as The Jays, Nigel Barker and Paulina Porizkova appear from thin air – or in the case of Paulina, very, very thin air.

The girls scatter throughout the “castle” and have some one-on-one time with the judges. Sharaun introduces herself the exact same way with every new judge she meets: “I’m Sharaun, and I am America’s Next Top Model.” Did she learn that approach by watching or reading The Secret? If it works, I’m totally going to try it out whenever I meet new people: “I’m Stacie, and I am Jessica Biel’s girlfriend.”

Meanwhile, McKey tells Paulina what she’d do if she found herself on a shoot where the photographer made unwanted advances: “I’d kick him in the balls and punch him in the face.” Hey, I’ve seen the fists of fury she applied to the household pillows; I have no doubt she wouldn’t hesitate to lay a smackdown on some letchy photographer.

Get out the vote … err, the pose … – It’s time for the models to embark on their first real photo shoot, and it’s ever so timely: voting and politics. Each girl is to represent an issue that’s going to play a large role in the upcoming presidential election.

Clark, for example, has to portray “bureaucracy” – but she doesn’t know what it means, and no one will tell her. Too bad you’re not here to make friends, Clark! The “red tape” all over the set clues her in a bit, but only a wee bit and the results are weak: Elina poses as “foreign policy” and wins Jay over with her ability to smile with her eyes. Meanwhile, Hannah poses in a voting booth dedicated to “nuclear weapons,” but she doesn’t know what to do because she “doesn’t know how she feels about them.” Tyra suggests that next time, Hannah just choose a way to feel: for, against or confused.

I love the option “confused,” because I imagine a model standing there with her eyes smiling yet crossed. I wouldn’t last long in this competition.

Sharaun stands behind the booth while Isis has her shoot (portraying “privacy”), taunting her and trying to psych her out as if they’re in the schoolyard. Hmm … mayhaps Sharaun should have introduced herself to the judges like this: “I’m Sharaun, and I am a small-minded hater.”

The results are in – Isis once again rises above it all and rocks out a kick-ass photo … so kick-ass, in fact, that she’s called second (right behind Marjorie, who made immigration fierce!). Take that, Clark, who said Isis has “no place in the competition.”

How’s that humble pie taste, Sharaun? She’ll be eating plenty of it from the comforts of her home: Sharaun was the first to get sent packing, reminding me that the universe’s karmic grand design occasionally gets it right.

Tyra gets her Oprah on and lets the models know that voting isn’t merely a right, it’s a re-spon-si-bil-i-tee … and, of course, she’s correct. It’s also our responsibility to be fierce: Do your duty ladies, for the good of the world!

Next week – Let the hot tub make out sessions begin!

Get more info on the official Top Model website, and check back next Friday for another ANTM recap.

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