“America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Recaps: Episode 11.1 & 11.2

Most likely, anyone looking at me right now would wonder why I’m pounding on my keyboard and scrunching up my face like I can smell something unpleasant. I’m not simply exhibiting antisocial behavior; rather, I’m typing fiercely whilst I smile with my eyes, and that can only mean one thing: America’s Next Top Model is back, baby.

It’s time to jump into the eco-friendly Tyramobile and blast into the mysterious wasteland of posing, bitchery and insanity known as “Cycle 11.”

Episode 11.1 “The Notorious Fierce Fourteen”

Future’s so bright, it looks like 20 years ago — Our first stop is the future, which looks astonishingly like a Z-grade science fiction movie. There’s cardboard, blinking lights and tinfoil as far as the eye can see, but fear not — we haven’t wandered onto the set of Alien Star Crystal. We’ve arrived at the Top Model Institute of Technology.

Jay Manuel and Miss J are there to guide the semifinalists (and the viewers) through the unknown; both wear silver to remind us that we’re in the future.

So what exactly happens at the Top Model Institute of Technology?

For one thing, they “analyze pertinent data,” which means … err … well, I’m not sure exactly, but it involves lasers and that’s all that really matters.

Not only are lasers extra futuristic, but they also make everything better. Everything! It’s a fact. This morning, if I had toasted my toast with the power of lasers, it would have been at least 27% more delicious. My hair would be way more fierce if I cut it with lasers instead of just biting off the split ends.

Pose with me if you want to live — The Jays introduce the squealing girls to The Glaminator, which, unfortunately, is not one of The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. The Glaminator is a device which will glam up the top model wannabes … or something like that. It’s all a little vague.

But no matter! Before anyone can step into the machine, it starts to smoke and shake! It malfunctions (fiercely) and out of the smoke steps … Tyrabot, causing the semifinalists to squeal even harder. My ears bleed, but only a little, and I can work it!

Robot Tyra sports some seriously fierce facial glitter and distracting cleavage as she tells the girls … uh … something about cleavage?

Sorry. Like I said, it was really distracting.

Wait, I remember! Tyrabot reassures the squealers that she’s not looking for America’s Next Top Martian, but rather America’s Next Top Model. This is good — I have a feeling it’d be tough to find a Martian living in America. Then again, the show has moved back to Hollywood…

After 10 cycles, Tyra finally cuts to the chase: This show isn’t about smiling with eyes, being fierce, or whatever hot-button soapbox issue is popular today. She asks the girls simply, “Can you make money?” and her candor is simultaneously refreshing and depressing. You know, just like that sensation you get if you watch Terms of Endearment while you chew that gum with a liquid center.

Cat suits and yoga balls — Yep, just another Top Model photo shoot. The girls don blue cat suits and pose their hardest with those giant inflatable exercise balls.

The results are decidedly mixed as everyone learns what it takes to give good photo when you don’t know what you’re doing. Samantha shows her “creativity” by giving herself a makeup job straight out of A Clockwork Orange, Sheena sees balls and can’t help but climb on top of them, and Tyra and The Jays “beam up fiercely.”

God, I’ve missed this show.

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