Last week, when Republican presidential nominee John McCain named Sarah Palin as his running mate, reporters and bloggers immediately began calling the Alaskan governor a Tina Fey look-alike. Just the mention of Fey in relation to the White House sent millions of people into fantasy overload as they began pondering what Fey’s 30 Rock character, Liz Lemon, would make of being America’s vice president.
Fantasizing about a fictional character as vice president is ridiculous, of course. If you’re going to fantasize, why not go all the way and envision a full-on dream president!
Our Lesbian Scientistics team vetted a dozen female television characters for president this week. We’ve narrowed down our choices to four. First, we’ll offer you a sampling of their stances on various issues, by sharing quotes straight from their mouths. Then we’ll see how they measure up against one another. Then, of course, you can vote for one of them in the comments. (Or write in your own choice!)
LESBIAN SCIENTISTICS POTUS CANDIDATES:
Wilhelmina Slater, Ugly Betty
Administration appointments: “That is the absolute cruelest thing I’ve ever seen. Someone’s getting a raise!”
Minimum wage: “Who do you think denied you a raise for the past two years? Cut your vacation time? Who do you think hacked into your computer and canceled your subscription to DudeCruise?”
Global warming: “Snow is a magical blanket — it hides what’s ugly and makes everything beautiful.”
Economy: “Poor people are so cheap.”
Race relations: “Let’s not talk around it like a couple of dull white people.”
Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
Freedom of speech: “Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.”
Campaign slogan: “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.”
Foreign policy: “Picture it… Sicily.”
Would-be acceptance speech:
Bette Porter, The L Word
Race relations: “Who the f–k are you calling ‘Brown Barbie’? You f—–g Carmelita Tropicana.”
Military intervention: “We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Ms. Lara Perkins.”
Potential reaction to smear campaign launched by opponent: “No, it’s fine. It’s fiction, right? I mean, it’s fiction.”
Potential reaction when challenged in a debate: “I can’t answer your f—ing question. You know why? Because it’s not me, it’s not me — and apart from anything else, I am frankly…f—ing flabbergasted, I am flabbergasted… OK? Was Mary f—ing Poppins not available?”
Personal philosophy: “Everyone’s a control freak. It’s what you have to do to get things done.”
Campaign slogan: I’m a bombastic bully.
Education: “It’s not even grammatically correct, f—ing idiot!”
Phoebe Buffay, Friends
LESBIAN SCIENTISTICS POTUS COMPARISONS:
We’ve done the research, now it’s up to you. Which television character would make the best president?