TV

Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (August 22, 2008)

YOU AND ME AND PEOPLE MAKES 20 With the exception of a rogue pair of quotation marks unleashed by CNN (“Ellen DeGeneres ‘marries’ Portia Rossi”), the whole world seemed full of nothing but praise and well-wishes for the world’s most famous lesbian couple, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, who got married last weekend in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles.

And by “intimate,” I mean 19 of their closest friends and family and, of course, People magazine. The last addition to the guest list is important because how else would you know what they wore (designs by Zac Posen), what they ate (an all-vegan menu prepared by their personal chef, David Silberkleim, and a vegan red velvet cake from Sweet Lady Jane Bakery), what they exchanged (Neil Lane rings), how the ceremony was decorated (candles and flowers by Mark’s Garden), who performed (Joshua Radin), or where the brides sat (on floor pillows). In addition to a special wedding issue, which hits newsstands today, People put together a celebrity wedding video for the brides. While America Ferrera said she was happy they got to love each other in such an official way, and Katherine Heigl explained that she’d taken her name out of the running for “marriage” this year so other women could have a go at it (kidding), T.R. Knight played the role of buzzkill and said the legalization of same-sex marriage in California opened the floodgates of “anger, and rage, and rage, and sadness.”

Ellen, however, didn’t seem to share Knight’s macabre feelings. On her talk show’s website she wrote in cursive, wedding-esque script: In a bizarre way, the minutiae reported by People gives a feeling of normalcy to the whole thing. Two super-famous women got married to each other, and the public is privy to every detail. It’s not the apocalypse; it’s Hollywood. We wish Ellen and Portia a lifetime of love and happiness – and we wouldn’t say no to a piece of that red velvet cake.

by StuntDouble

YOU SAY THREESOME LIKE IT’S A BAD THING Warning: Spoilers for the film Vicky Cristina Barcelona lie ahead!

Woody Allen‘s newest film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, opened last weekend, and audiences were finally treated to its supposedly gasp-inducing love scene between stars Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz. But instead of leaving “the audience gasping,” as the New York Post promised several months ago, the scene was simple and understated. In fact, if you saw the trailer you pretty much saw it all already. The two kiss while working together in the red-tinged darkroom. In the film, American tourists Cristina (Scarlett) and Vicky (Rebecca Hall) meet and become involved with a Spanish painter, Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem), and his fiery artist ex-wife, Maria Elena (Cruz). Cristina, Juan Antonio and Maria Elena begin living together and sharing each other’s beds. While the threesome aspect could be seen as salacious, it’s actually handled tactfully and, most refreshingly, done without the intent of simply titillating the man in the relationship.

When Cristina and Maria Elena first kiss and make love, Juan Antonio is nowhere in sight. And neither is drunk or intoxicated in any way.

Later, when retelling her experiences to her best friend, Vicky, the heretofore hetero Cristina is open-minded about her sexuality.

When Cristina’s fiancé asks if this means she is bisexual, she says: “I see no reason to label everything. I am me.” If being yourself involves making out with Penelope Cruz, I say we all sign up for therapy pronto so we can find ourselves, too.

SAME CITY, DIFFERENT SEX Out actress Cynthia Nixon is about to get naked in the city. The Sex and the City star has signed on to appear in the British television follow-up to queer author Quentin Crisp‘s drama The Naked Civil Servant. Nixon will play performance artist and playwright Penny Arcade in An Englishman in New York. The sequel comes nearly 30 years after the original broadcast and will feature John Hurt reprising his role as bon vivant Crisp. Nixon’s character was close friends with the English writer; the real-life duo starred in the long-running stage production The Last Will and Testament of Quentin.

The drama is being produced by ITV1 and is being filmed in New York. It will air next year.

by Dorothy Snarker

BIG BROTHER IS (ACTUALLY) WATCHING I know this might be hard to believe, but some some scandalous girl-on-girl kissing took place this week on a popular reality show.

On the U.K.’s Big Brother 9, straight couple Rex Newmark and Nicole Cammack spontaneously decided to share their love with bisexual castmate Sara Folino. According to the Daily Mail, it all started (as it often does) with a late-night conversation over a bottle of champagne.

Rex, Nicole, Sara and castmate Mohamed Mohamed were sitting in the garden area of the Big Brother abode, pondering the mysteries of life over some bubbly. Then, just like those annoying people who nominate others for student council or homeowners’ board positions, Rex suggested that Sara kiss Mohamed. Sara protested, “I’m not gonna kiss some random guy.”

Mohamed countered: “I’m not a random guy. You’ve known me for four weeks!”

Four whole weeks indeed! As anyone can tell you, romantic liaisons should always be determined by the length of time two people have known each other rather than any sort of genuine physical attraction.

That’s when spunky Nicole perked up and said, “Kiss me.” Sara, clearly not practicing the power of positive thinking, replied, “No, Rex won’t let me.” But the chivalrous and committed Rex retorted, “I don’t care.” Mohamed seemed to think he was speaking for both himself and Rex when he added, “We want to see some action.”

Here’s the action they got: After their make-out session, Sara told Nicole: “Oh my God, you’re such a good kisser … I was just getting warmed up. Should I be worried?”

Um, no, Rex should be worried. He laughed when Sara and Nicole kissed, but when he realized that Nicole actually liked the kiss, he could only mutter, “Nicole enjoyed that kiss a little too much.”

Get your own copy at thebutchcookbook.com.

– by Malinda Lo

STILL CARRYING THE TORCH In this week’s Olympics update: Carole Péon of France finished 34th in the women’s triathlon on Aug. 17. The United States softball team, in a huge upset on Thursday, was defeated by Japan 3-1; softball may not appear in the Olympics again. Also on Thursday, the U.S. women’s soccer team defeated Brazil 1-0 to win the gold medal in a tense, drawn-out battle for the single goal, scored in the sixth minute of overtime play; Natasha Kai was substituted in toward the beginning of overtime but did not score.

Yesterday in the women’s handball semifinals, Norway defeated South Korea 29-28 with a last-second goal by Gro Hammerseng, who made six goals in all during the game. Teammate and partner Katja Nyberg had been benched with a knee injury in the quarterfinal but came back to play in the semifinal. Norway, which has never won an Olympic gold medal in women’s handball (see comments below for more info on all the other medals they’ve won!), will play Russia in the final round match on Saturday in Beijing.

– by Malinda Lo

ATTENTION LESBIAN/BI WOMEN WITH TOO MUCH FREE TIME (THAT MEANS YOU!) Because we know our readers are always looking for more ways to distract themselves at work/school, we’ve launched a new games section at afterellen.com/games!

Now you have an even gayer way to kill time! Piece together photos of great Olympic moments, or queer women who rock. Test your knowledge of lesbian TV trivia. See how many lesbian-ish quotes you can identify. (Finally get some payoff for reading this column every week.)

We’ll add additional puzzles periodically, and update the quiz questions every few weeks or so, so keep checking back. In the meantime, bear with us if you discover a few kinks in the system – we’re new to this online games thing – and enjoy!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! This week, comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer announced that she will marry her longtime partner, Jennifer Houston, on Sept. 6 in a small, private ceremony at the Hollywood Chapel in Los Angeles. Congrats!

In case you missed it: MSBNC is giving out political commentator Rachel Maddow her own show beginning next month.

This week, Defamer has been speculating on which B-list TV actress is planning to “become a lesbian” to revive her career.

Lindsay Lohan may convert to Judaism for her “girlfriend,” Samantha Ronson, according to E! Online.

To help raise money for another season, the B.J. Fletcher Private Eye cast and crew are hosting a party on Sunday, Aug. 24 starting at 7pm at Big Mamma’s Boy restaurant in Toronto, with a DJ, raffle, silent auction, door prizes, and episodes screening. There’s also an online auction on ebay starting Monday August 25, which will include a one of a kind B.J. Fletcher Belt Buckle, and a walk-on part in season two (including a two-night hotel stay in Toronto and dinner with the cast). Go to bjfletcherprivateeye.com/Fundraiser.html for all the details of the live and online events.

Our sister site 365gay.com officially relaunched this week with a new look-and-feel, and a feature article compiling responses from various political commentators and others on which high-ranking government position or elected office needs to be held by an LGBT person. Check out the answers here, including answers from AfterEllen.com vlogger Dana Rudolph (She Got Me Pregnant) and editor in chief, Sarah Warn.

The final episode of The Lo-Down will be posted next Tuesday, Aug. 26.

New episodes of She Made Me Watch This! will be posted on Mondays again soon. (Lori and Sarah have just been swamped with work, watching the Olympics, and marathoning The Sarah Connor Chronicles on Blu Ray.)

The Seattle meet-up scheduled for Sept. 5 has been cancelled. Sorry! (We’ll do one there someday, we promise, our collective schedules are just too crazy to allow for any more traveling right now.)

Monday on AfterEllen.com, look for our fall TV preview, covering everything lesbian and lesbianish on television, from new shows like 90210 and The Ex List to Grey’s Anatomy.

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

Luckily for Rex, order was somewhat restored when Sara was goaded into kissing that “random guy,” Mohamed. But, unlike Nicole, he had to settle for a peck on the cheek.

Rex said of the Mohamed and Sara kiss, “That was rubbish.”

In contrast, Sara said of her kiss with Nicole: “I could have gone on for a while longer. Nicole’s a good kisser. We had a bit of tongue action going on.”

Is there a chance that the Sara-Nicole kiss might open the door for a more meaningful exploration of Sara’s bisexuality and a positive representation of an out queer woman on TV? Let’s consult her Big Brother bio for more information:

Sara is a single, Australian party girl who’s hoping there’s a hunk lying in wait for her in the House. She loves going out and drinking, but is a bit of a lightweight. She once won an award at work for being the loudest person in her office. Sara has never been in love or even had a serious relationship, so is getting anxious about finding ‘the one’. She likes boys that look like they’re in a band, and big muscles aren’t her thing. People often tell her she looks like Angelina Jolie and she uses those looks to get what she wants. She’s loud, brash and flirty, but says she wouldn’t have sex in the House as it wouldn’t be ‘dignified’.

Sara had a rural upbringing in Melbourne and moved to London five years ago. She used to work in a bank, but landed a job at MTV which is much more up her street. She thinks smoking should be allowed in public and that rapists should all be jailed for life. But she’s not really into politics and is unsure who the current Prime Minister is. She is grumpy in the morning and needs at least eight or nine hours sleep. She never cleans.

Oh, never mind.

by Karman Kregloe

I CAN APPRECIATE BOTH OF THEIR BODIES (OF WORK) Mama Mia! star Amanda Seyfried is co-starring alongside Megan Fox in the upcoming Diablo Cody-penned flick, Jennifer’s Body. The two play best friends, until Jennifer (Fox) becomes “possessed” and goes on a killing spree of all the males in her school.

Recent reports say that Fox and Seyfried will share a “topless make-out scene.” China Daily quotes an unidentified source: “The two girls make out hardcore, rolling around in a bed. It was a really hot scene.” (Thank you, anonymous key grip or perhaps Fox’s beau, Brian Austin Green.) What we know for sure, however, comes straight from Fox herself, who recently told Fox News’ Pop Tarts: “I eat and seduce everyone. There’s a lot of kissing everyone – boys and girls. All kinds of craziness.”

Since the killing is said to be limited to her male classmates, take the “eating and seducing of everyone” how you will. We just hope that the make-out scene happens after she turns into a zombie, so that no one can blame her foray into bisexuality as the cause of her murderous ways. (Because that’s just been done to death.)

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Beth Ditto. I have a feeling we’d have a lot to talk about.” – Leisha Hailey, in response to who she’d like to have as a dinner guest at the Ritz

NO REALLY, YOU’VE SAID TOO MUCH Fashion maven Betsey Johnson recently revealed to Blackbook magazine that she once kissed Anna Nicole Smith: “She was wearing one of those dotted net see-through things with roses on her bullet bra underneath … It was when she was doing TrimSpa, and she looked really beautiful.” Though the designer has never discussed her sexuality, she seemed a bit too quick to offer up this anecdote. Johnson was married once (to a man) in the 1970s, but has remained single since. If she and Patricia Field ever hooked up, that might be a match made in punk rock couture fashion heaven.

by Trish Bendix

I GUESS OPPOSITES REALLY DO ATTRACT Yesterday, the Veronicas announced that they will be going on tour with the Jonas Brothers from Aug. 22 to Sept. 5. Wait a sec, you might be saying, the Jonas Brothers? You mean those squeaky-clean boys who are always on the Disney Channel, avoid alcohol and drugs, and are evangelical Christians who have promised to abstain from premarital sex and wear purity rings on their ring fingers?

Those guys are going on tour with the Veronicas, whose latest album Hook Me Up includes the song “Take Me on the Floor” with the lyrics “I wanna kiss a girl/I wanna kiss a girl/I wanna kiss a boy”? (Not to mention Veronicas’ member Jess Origliasso‘s tabloid-friendly behavior with MTV VJ Ruby Rose.) Wow. Marketing genius or inevitable disaster? You decide.

BEYOND BEER-CAN CHICKEN Last month, Dana Rudolph of Mombian told me about a new cookbook that had just been published: The Butch Cook Book, edited by Lee Lynch, Nel Ward and Sue Hardesty. Since I actually did my master’s thesis on cookbooks (I’m not kidding), I had to write to the publishers immediately to get my own copy!

Cookbooks, especially those written by and for a community (like your local church’s cookbook) do a lot more than just collect recipes. They have a lot to say about domestic ideals, gender roles and even ethnic identity. They can be part of constructing sexual identity, too, like The Lesbian Erotic Cookbook. The Butch Cook Book similarly embraces lesbian sexuality, but from a butch-loving perspective. “This volume is more than a batch of recipes in lesbian back pockets,” writes Lee Lynch in the Foreword. “It humanizes butches for those who have feared and rejected us and it puts the sex in the concept of homosexual into perspective. Finally we can tell you: this is what lesbians do, we cook.”

The recipes come from 67 different contributors, including comedian Sabrina Matthews (Impress-Your-Date-with-What’s-Left-Over-in-Your-Fridge Omelet), musician Tret Fure (who has also published her own cookbook, Tret’s Kitchen) and author Radclyffe (Beleagured Butch’s Meatloaf). Bios of each contributor accompany their recipes; these in particular reveal the wide variety of experiences and identities that encompass the term butch.

“Not everyone believes in the butch/femme persona, but the butches who gave to this book truly do,” writes Nel Ward in the Afterword.

You may be thinking: Constructing butch identity, yeah yeah, what about the recipes? There are some funny ones, like Green Beans for Butches Hoping for Sex on the First Date, and there are some you would probably rather not eat, like Nancy the Blacksmith’s Mostly Peas, which involves combining frozen peas and V8 (huh?).

Overall the recipes are heavy on traditional American comfort foods, such as Meatloaf from the Woodshop and “Daddy” Rhon’s Southern Chicken and Dumplins. There’s also a hefty desserts chapter titled “Sweet Talk.” I think my favorite recipe (at least after reading the book) is Melissa Freet’s Beer and Bar BQ Butch, which begins with the instruction, “Drink a cold beer while reading my recipe.” Obviously the quality of the recipe varies depending on the beer being drunk.

The book also includes a number of short essays about butch identity and history. In “The Importance of Meat: My Butch’s Home Cooking,” Kate Kane writes: “There is nothing like being fed when you’re hungry, and when someone has anticipated that you’ll be hungry and prepared for it, well, it makes a girl remember what butches see in us femmes.”

In a way, The Butch Cook Book reclaims domesticity for butches, who have typically been portrayed as clumsy in the kitchen, if skillful with the grill. “The butch cook book is offered up as a validation of who we are,” writes Sue Hardesty in the Introduction.”We all find our own way to belong.”

Get your own copy at thebutchcookbook.com.

– by Malinda Lo

STILL CARRYING THE TORCH In this week’s Olympics update: Carole Péon of France finished 34th in the women’s triathlon on Aug. 17. The United States softball team, in a huge upset on Thursday, was defeated by Japan 3-1; softball may not appear in the Olympics again. Also on Thursday, the U.S. women’s soccer team defeated Brazil 1-0 to win the gold medal in a tense, drawn-out battle for the single goal, scored in the sixth minute of overtime play; Natasha Kai was substituted in toward the beginning of overtime but did not score.

Yesterday in the women’s handball semifinals, Norway defeated South Korea 29-28 with a last-second goal by Gro Hammerseng, who made six goals in all during the game. Teammate and partner Katja Nyberg had been benched with a knee injury in the quarterfinal but came back to play in the semifinal. Norway, which has never won an Olympic gold medal in women’s handball (see comments below for more info on all the other medals they’ve won!), will play Russia in the final round match on Saturday in Beijing.

– by Malinda Lo

ATTENTION LESBIAN/BI WOMEN WITH TOO MUCH FREE TIME (THAT MEANS YOU!) Because we know our readers are always looking for more ways to distract themselves at work/school, we’ve launched a new games section at afterellen.com/games!

Now you have an even gayer way to kill time! Piece together photos of great Olympic moments, or queer women who rock. Test your knowledge of lesbian TV trivia. See how many lesbian-ish quotes you can identify. (Finally get some payoff for reading this column every week.)

We’ll add additional puzzles periodically, and update the quiz questions every few weeks or so, so keep checking back. In the meantime, bear with us if you discover a few kinks in the system – we’re new to this online games thing – and enjoy!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! This week, comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer announced that she will marry her longtime partner, Jennifer Houston, on Sept. 6 in a small, private ceremony at the Hollywood Chapel in Los Angeles. Congrats!

In case you missed it: MSBNC is giving out political commentator Rachel Maddow her own show beginning next month.

This week, Defamer has been speculating on which B-list TV actress is planning to “become a lesbian” to revive her career.

Lindsay Lohan may convert to Judaism for her “girlfriend,” Samantha Ronson, according to E! Online.

To help raise money for another season, the B.J. Fletcher Private Eye cast and crew are hosting a party on Sunday, Aug. 24 starting at 7pm at Big Mamma’s Boy restaurant in Toronto, with a DJ, raffle, silent auction, door prizes, and episodes screening. There’s also an online auction on ebay starting Monday August 25, which will include a one of a kind B.J. Fletcher Belt Buckle, and a walk-on part in season two (including a two-night hotel stay in Toronto and dinner with the cast). Go to bjfletcherprivateeye.com/Fundraiser.html for all the details of the live and online events.

Our sister site 365gay.com officially relaunched this week with a new look-and-feel, and a feature article compiling responses from various political commentators and others on which high-ranking government position or elected office needs to be held by an LGBT person. Check out the answers here, including answers from AfterEllen.com vlogger Dana Rudolph (She Got Me Pregnant) and editor in chief, Sarah Warn.

The final episode of The Lo-Down will be posted next Tuesday, Aug. 26.

New episodes of She Made Me Watch This! will be posted on Mondays again soon. (Lori and Sarah have just been swamped with work, watching the Olympics, and marathoning The Sarah Connor Chronicles on Blu Ray.)

The Seattle meet-up scheduled for Sept. 5 has been cancelled. Sorry! (We’ll do one there someday, we promise, our collective schedules are just too crazy to allow for any more traveling right now.)

Monday on AfterEllen.com, look for our fall TV preview, covering everything lesbian and lesbianish on television, from new shows like 90210 and The Ex List to Grey’s Anatomy.

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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