“Shear Genius” mini-cap: Doggy style

Jaclyn welcomes the five remaining stylists back to the Shear Genius salon, and reminds them how disappointed she was in their Charlie’s Angels styles last week. To illustrate her point she shows them a blank poster on the Allure Wall of Fame, which they will have to stare it for the remaining four weeks while they carry in their hearts the burden that it is empty all because of them. Daniel almost weeps.

The guest judge for today’s shortcut challenge is “kitchen beautician” Robert Hallowell, and his deal is that he uses products from your pantry and refrigerator to style your hair. The camera pans by a table with “natural” products and I catch the labels on peanut butter, flour, and — oh, gross! — tuna fish.

“Bye-bye, hairspray,” says Daniel with a sniff.

The stylists pick their clients, and then two ingredients each for their clients’ hair. Nekisa goes first, and when she picks up a jar of anchovies — come on, anchovies? — she gets into this little exchange with Charlie:

Nekisa: Anchovies. Hmm, looks like Charlie’s insides — kinda sick.

Charlie: I don’t think that advantage is going to help you much.

Nekisa: Get off your high horse, honey. You’ve been in the bottom plenty.

Charlie: Just play with your hair some more darling, it’s what you do best.

Nekisa: Don’t be jealous.

Charlie: Too bad none of your clients look as good as you do.

For Charlie — the guy who’s had the most acrid sound bytes on this whole show thus far — that’s weaksauce.

When Nicole goes up to pick her groceries, Charlie interviews: “Nicole doesn’t like the challenge; she’s very sensitive to smells. She may vomit, which is fabulous for me because I want the b—h to go home.”

That’s more like it, Charlie. If you’re going to be the reality TV villain, do the thing properly.

Dee selects two somethings in jugs, which isn’t important. What’s important is that she holds the jugs up to her chest and goes, “Hey, Nekisa!” and jiggles them around a little. Heh.

Daniel selects peanut butter. He interviews: “If I taste it, I vomit right away. So I chose peanut butter, because I want to show how serious I am about this competition.” (So serious that he’s going to puke? Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like my hairstylists that serious.)

Dee, Charlie and Paulo really do a nice job with their clients’ hair. Nicole, on the other hand, teases her lady’s hair all up and then sprinkles a bunch of squid on top. It looks as disgusting as it sounds. She loses the shortcut challenge. No surprise to anyone, not even her. Paulo wins, and I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear that he starts thrusting his hips around in the air to celebrate.

Before the stylists return to their Shear Genius home, Daniel catches us up on the drama: “It is gettin’ gooooood up in the house, because everyone’s starting to hate each other! We’ve got Nekisa hates Nicole; Nicole hates Dee; Dee hates Charlie!”

From the very first episode of this season, I have been suspecting that they were setting up a Dee/Charlie finale. I’ll bet you one jar of squid-based hair gel that I’m right. The house drama is kind of lame, though, and I’m glad when we break for commercials.

Today’s elimination challenge is to style a dog’s hair, and to style the dog owner’s hair to match.

“They say dogs look like their owners, so today let’s see if that’s true,” says Rene. (I never have any idea what Rene is saying, or what he means.)

When the dogs walk over the hill in the park, Nekisa lights up like Christmas and says, “Yes! I was so excited to see those dogs, I just melted. I totally miss my dog at home.”

Dammit, Nekisa! I can’t hate you if you love dogs.

“When I saw those dogs, I almost pissed in my pants. I don’t even have a dog; I have a cat,” says Dee. (Of course she does.)

Back at the salon, the stylists work the dogs first. Nekisa talks all sweet and adorable to her client’s dog, Waffles. Then in this husky voice, she says, “You’re a sexy little b—h, aren’t you?” And suddenly I see what all the Nekisa fuss is about.

Daniel starts singing a song to his dog, Lola. He belts out in his twangy, Texas accent: “She’s the most beautiful dog in the world. She has a beautiful hiney.” Paulo finally tells him to shut up.

Too further prove my case for the Dee/Charlie finale, Charlie tells Rene (at full volume): “My biggest competition is Dee. I think she’s a really good hairdresser, but I also think she’s a b—h.”

Paulo calls Daniel’s hair a “duck’s ass on crack.”

At the Hair Show, the models walk with their dogs, and it is the cutest thing ever. Kelly Atterton, the Allure editor, doesn’t crack a single smile, which confirms my suspicion that she has been botoxed past the point of facial movement.

Kim Vo says to Charlie, “It’s very hard to look matronly and crazy, but you’ve accomplished it. Were you in it for this one?”

Charlie is like, “Nu uh. I am too good to cut dog hair, and I don’t mind saying so.”

After some deliberation, Dee wins the challenge, and Nekisa has made her final cut. Last week I would have been cheering to beat the band if she got kicked off, but she has redeemed herself in my esteem with her dog love this week. She is perfectly gracious in her exit interview. “Waffles, you little s–t,” she says. “You got me kicked off the show!”

Next week, it’s Nicole against the four gays. Oooh, scary.

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