Yesterday Stuntdouble wrote about one of Entertainment Weekly‘s lists from their current classic list issue. Today I’m writing about another one of the many lists: a Top Ten list from Sarah Michelle Gellar in which she reveals the new classic male TV characters she wishes she could play. In response to this I have written Gellar a small letter. Eh hem.
Dear Sarah Michelle,
Can I call you Sarah? I’ll presume you’ve said no since I can’t hear your answer and we hardly know each other. I’m sure “Sarah” is reserved for the important people in your life such as your hubby Freddy Prinze Jr. I understand that you and I are, at this point, merely internet strangers. But I do hope that after you read this you will see that I am not so much a random blogger, but rather someone looking out for your best artistic interests and then just maybe you will email me begging me to please call you Sarah … and you in turn can call me Ree-ree.
Recently I came across the top ten list that you submitted to EW, “10 New Classic Male TV Characters you wish you could play.” Now I’m sure EW approached you with that topic and that you aren’t sitting around in your home in Hollywood somewhere cussing the breasts and reproductive organs that are preventing you from landing these testosterone required roles; but just in case you ever do have a private moment of truly wishing you could have played those roles I thought I would take it upon myself to offer you potential alternative roles that women have played that are on par with you classic male choices:
You chose: Ricky Stratton, Silver Spoons
Suggested Female Equivalent: Punky Brewster, Punky Brewster
Because: OK, I admit I wanted that train too and the sports car-shaped bed he slept in, but that is no reason to pine for that role. Punky Brewster is a far meatier role for you than merely playing a spoiled rich kid. Punky was an orphan who was adopted by a widower. Hello? It is a kid actor’s dream role. Punky’s sparkly personality out weighs Ricky Stratton’s bank account. Her wardrobe is adorably free spirited complete with crazy color combinations, mismatched shoelaces and side pony tales. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ricky is tucking his salmon colored polo shirt into his chinos. Lame.
You chose: Sonny Crockett, Miami Vice
Suggested Female Equivalent: Dana Scully, The X-Files
While Sonny Crockett is off cuffing the sleeves of his white blazer Scully is out saving the world from the freaky stuff – mainly aliens. I don’t know about you Sarah Michelle, but I sleep better knowing a smart character like Scully exists in our television repertoire, just in case we ever need to refer to it for advice in case of aliens do attack.
You chose: Alex P. Keaton, Family Ties
Suggested Female Equivalent: Carol Seaver, Growing Pains
You chose: Thomas Sullivan Magnum, Magnum PI
Suggested Female Equivalent: Any of Charlie’s Angels
You chose: Dexter Morgan, Dexter
Suggested Female Equivalent: Nancy, Weeds
You chose: Hank Moody, Californication
Suggested Female Equivalent: None
You choose: J.R. Ewing, Dallas
Suggested Female Equivalent: Peggy Peabody, The L Word
You chose: Eric Cartman, South Park
Suggested Female Equivalent: Peppermint Patty, Charlie Brown)
Are you laughing as hard as I am right now, Sarah Michelle? I mean, I can hardly type this because the tears of laughter are streaming down my face. Sure Cartman has has some zingers in his day, but I think its safe to safe that Ms. Patty is well within his league.
You chose: Gunther, Friends
Suggested Female Equivalent: Phyllis, The Office
You chose: Samantha Jones, Sex and the City
Suggested Female Equivalent: None. Agreed! Touche, Sarah Michelle.
I hope this small list of alternatives was at the very least, insightful and awe inspiring. Since you have occupied one of the juiciest female roles in television (Buffy) I think it’s safe to say that you are more than aware of what women are capable of in television. Please feel free to consult me in any future list making you may be involved in.