Last week Forbes magazine released its “Celebrity 100 List: a ranking of the world’s hundred most powerful celebrities.” It’s all very scientific how Forbes makes the list; it’s based on earnings, Google hits, press mentions, television appearances, appearances on the covers of consumer magazines, and some enigmatic things like Lexis/Nexis radio mentions. It was no surprise to anyone that Oprah Winfrey gobbled up the top spot this year, what with her $275 million earnings last year, and Harpo, her production company’s, success not only with her talk show but with Dr. Phil and The Rachel Ray Show as well.
As I was flipping through the article in Forbes (noting that 37 of the most powerful celebrities were women), season one of The L Word was playing on my television, and I thought to myself, “I’ll bet there is loads of overlap from Forbes’ list and AfterEllen.com’s Hot 100 List. Bette Porter is one of the most powerful woman in southern California, and everyone loves her. I’d better employ the scientific method and construct some charts to prove how smart I am about women and statistics!”
And so I present to you: Power and the Art of Lesbian Scientistics. (A very mathematical approach to hotness.)
Step 1) Ask a question. Question: Are lesbians attracted to powerful women?
Step 2) Observe. I will repeatedly watch episodes of The L Word and Bad Girls to place Bette Porter and Helen Stewart — characters nearly-universally loved by lesbians — on the Power Scale.
As evidenced by the above charts, both Bette Porter and Helen Stewart show near-omnipotence in every area, with the exception of True Love — where they have the power of a cloudless day and a kitten, respectively. Everyone knows that love conquers all, except for pirates/ninjas. However, love is blind, so it’s not exactly a fair fight. As such, I have given Bette Porter a 9.6 out of 10 on the Power Scale. Helen Stewart receives a 9.85 out of 10, because her accent melts my insides, which could easily be considered a super power. Verdict: Both characters have much power.
Step 3) Form a hypothesis. Hypothesis: Powerful women are maddeningly attractive.
Step 4) Test hypothesis with experiments and further observation. I will compare AfterEllen.com’s Hot 100 List with Forbes’ Celebrity 100 list to determine Hotness Overlap and Power Quotient.
a) What percentage of the Forbes Celebrity 100 were women?
b) Of the women on the Forbes Celebrity 100, what percentage made the AfterEllen.com Hot 100?
c) How many women is that, exactly?
d) Who are they? Present them in bar graph form.
Step 5) Form a Conclusion. Of the 37 women on the Forbes Celebrity 100 list, only 7 made the AfterEllen.com Hot 100 List. Therefore, it must be assumed that power has to be accentuated by other qualities to cause full adoration. Further study of hot women is required to determine “other qualities.”
Don’t worry, I will throw myself on that bomb — I will research in the morning and late into the night — until we have an answer to these questions surrounding hotness.
In the meantime you should know that Forbes has dubbed this “The Year of the Tween.” I’m pretty sure that means Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers are going to rule the world. Are you afraid? Me too. That’s why next year Forbes‘ Celebrity 100 needs to be full of hot women. Google them! See their movies! Buy their magazines! A victory for hot women is a victory for me and you! (I can make a pie chart to prove it.)