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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (June 13, 2008)

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME Out actress and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip alumna Sarah Paulson has nabbed the female lead in an ABC remake of the short-lived 1998 comedy series Cupid, according to the Hollywood Reporter. Paulson will play Dr. Claire Allen, a renowned love and romance therapist, who treats an articulate, charming mental patient claiming to be Cupid, the Roman god of erotic love and beauty. Other possible patients for Dr. Claire might include a girl who thinks she’s Juno, the Roman god of teen pregnancy, and young gay man who believes he’s Hermes, the god of fabulous, to-die-for scarves. Or not.

Bobby Cannavale, who played Eric McCormack‘s cop boyfriend on Will & Grace, will play Cupid, aka Trevor, the manic yenta who believes he must orchestrate 100 perfect unions for the relationship-challenged to earn his way back into Zeus’ good graces and return to Mount Olympus. Is Trevor the real Roman deal or just some nut with a court-ordered shrink? Paulson/Claire doesn’t believe him, natch, but signs him out of the hospital anyway. Hilarity ensues. Hopefully.

Is Sarah Paulson funny? She’s always struck me as more Wendy Wasserstein than Wendy Malick. Being the long-time partner of respected Tony Award-winning thea-tah actor Cherry Jones doesn’t help dispel my impression of Sarah as a serious thesbian. I mean thespian. When I think about Sarah and Cherry as a couple, I always end up picturing them at home, surrounded by old Playbills, deconstructing Tennessee Williams.

She does do a good dolphin impression, though.

Maybe Paulson’s turn as a mental health professional and Cannavale’s cuckoo-pants matchmaker will turn out to be comedy gold. If not, we’ll always have Dolphin Girl.

IN OTHER PAULSON NEWS In December 2008, Sarah will be involved in a love triangle with smokin’ Eva Mendes (Hitch) and Gabriel Macht (Because I Said So) in the upcoming feature film The Spirit. Sarah plays yet another doctor: Dr. Ellen Dolan, the daughter of a big-city police commissioner.

Based on a 1940s noirish newspaper comic, The Spirit features Dick Tracy-esque characters with names like The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson), his femme fatale sidekick Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson), Sand Saref (Mendes), and Plaster of Paris (Paz Vega).

The Spirit, Sand Saref and Dr. Dolan. Hmm. Why the heck can’t Sarah’s character have a fun name? If Mendes is Sand Saref, maybe Paulson’s character can be Garamond Bold. On the other hand, if the good doctor is a brittle bookworm, perhaps Arial Narrow.

Never mind.

by Dara Nai

A LESBIAN AND A COMEDIAN WALK INTO A BAR AN AA MEETING … Out actor Jane Lynch (The L Word, Best in Show) has been cast in the ABC comedy pilot Never Better. Based on the BBC series of the same name, the American version stars Damon Wayans as a recovering alcoholic “who’s trying to do right by his family” (according to ABC); Lynch plays his “no-nonsense” AA sponsor, and Nicole Ari Parker (Soul Food, Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love) plays his wife. Very little else has been released about the show, which is in consideration for a mid-season slot on ABC, so I can’t tell you much about Lynch’s character, Linda, but I can tell you that the BBC series (which aired earlier this year in the U.K.) didn’t do so well. It already looks like it’s going to have a much different feel in the U.S., though, since it now has an African-American family at its center and a wise-cracking Christopher Guest vet on board.

And you know what they say: a Wayans brother + Jane Lynch + jokes about alocholics = bizarro land comedy gold. Right? Anybody?

THE SUBURBS I GREW UP IN WERE NEVER THIS FUN There may not be any lesbian/bi characters on TV right now, but there are plenty of swingers … who I guess are technically bisexual, right? Well, you can judge for yourself on CBS’ new summer series Swingtown, which follows the shenanigans in a ritzy Chicago suburb in 1976 (complete with mustaches, polyester, and music by David Bowie).

Last week’s premiere episode already included a ménage à trois, one orgy and a foursome (not to mention cocaine and quaaludes) – which has led to protests from the conservative American Family Association and the Parents Television Council. (Duh.) If the show sounds way too racy to be on CBS (the network of stodgy police procedurals), the actuality is a lot tamer. It was originally pitched to HBO, but the series was reworked for broadcast standards, and though it’s obvious the folks involved are having some adventurous sexual experiences, little of it is shown.

The series begins when Susan and Bruce Miller (Molly Parker and Jack Davenport) move a few blocks to a more upscale neighborhood, where they quickly discover that their neighbors, Tom and Trina Decker (Grant Show and Lana Parilla), really like to share. Meeting Tom and Trina makes Susan’s worldview open up, and the two wives are at the heart of the spouse swapping. Though no purely lesbionic action has happened yet, the first episode made it clear (to me, anyway) that Trina has an eye for the ladies as much as the gentlemen. Upcoming episodes tackle the rift between Susan and her former neighbor and best friend, Janet (Miriam Shor), who is so scandalized by the swinging that she retreats to furiously scrubbing her kitchen. I think she doth protest too much, if you know what I mean.

No word yet on whether any of the characters on the show will encounter 1970s lesbian-feminism. I know my fingers are crossed!

– by Malinda Lo

LIKE A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART Buffy the Vampire Slayer became Buffy the Lesbian-Relationship Processor in the latest edition of the Buffy Season 8 comic book series, released last week. After it was revealed in the 12th issue that Buffy and fellow slayer Satsu had slept together, three issues later their one-night stand finally gets the lesbian processing it deserves.

But first, how about a little naughty talk with our vampire dusting? In the finale of the “Wolves at the Gate” story arc, Buffy and her band of slayers travel to Tokyo to fight a clan of shape-shifting vampires. After winning the battle – and a funny exchange between Willow and Buffy about how it’s a good thing they never slept together because neither are on each other’s “lists” – Buffy and Satsu finally sit down to talk. What follows is, well, who hasn’t had that conversation? (Hat tip, Daria Morgendorffer, who is definitely not standing on my neck!) “I can be less … enticing in a lesbian sense” should be put on T-shirts.

And, then, because Joss Whedon loves his lesbian fans, he gives us a little gift in the form of this panel. May I have “Things That Make Me Happy” for $1,000, please, Alex.

A WOMAN’S PLACE IS WINNING IN THE KITCHEN Lesbian Top Chef contestant Lisa Fernandes fell short of winning the title in the fourth season finale this week. The New York chef made it to the final three and the season finale, but it was Chicago chef and fan favorite Stephanie Izard who prevailed to become the series’ first-ever female Top Chef winner. In the finale of the hit Bravo reality series, the remaining three chefs had to cook “the meal of a lifetime” for a distinguished panel of chefs and the judges. Lisa’s Thai and Vietnamese-inspired dishes were widely praised by the diners. Still it was Stephanie’s simple yet surprising combinations that won the judges over.

Read the final Top Chef recap on Monday and look for an interview with Lisa next week on AfterEllen.com.

by Dorothy Snarker

A JOAN OF ONE’S OWN Joan Jett has become the first female musician to have a Gibson guitar named in her honor. (What took so long?) The Joan Jett Signature Melody Maker is handcrafted to the same specs as Jett’s original guitar that was manufactured in the 1960s.

Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz noted: “Joan Jett is a true icon of rock and roll. Since the beginning she has been a groundbreaking artist and a trailblazer for women in the genre.” From the Runaways to her solo career and her own record label, Joan certainly is a (lesbian) icon and a trailblazer. If you’ve ever wanted to get your hands on her, the next best thing is a guitar that she helped to design. “For those of you performing live, you may understand the value of being able to shave off those split seconds between playing and interacting with the audience, especially if you use your hands to communicate,” Jett said of the Melody Maker.

I think we can all appreciate her communication and handiwork. Does the guitar come with an in-person tutorial?

ANOTHER LESBIAN WHO HAPPENS TO BELONG TO A GROUP CALLED THE RUNAWAYS (NOT RELATED TO ABOVE)

Yet another comic book is being turned into a film, but this time, it’s one worth talking about. Marvel Comics has announced that Runaways is being treated for film. The comics are about a group of teenage girls (and a few boys) in L.A. whose parents are villains, so they band together to destroy the evil their parents have unleashed upon the world.

The best part? The character of Karolina Dean is a lesbian, at least in the comics.

In Volume 2, she came out by kissing her friend Nico, who wasn’t interested. Heartbroken, she accepts a marriage proposal from Xavin, a male alien who turns himself into a female for Karolina. (Who knew aliens could be so romantic?)

Since the film is still in its early stages, there’s no word on whether Karolina will be as queer as she is in the comics. We could be of help in the casting department, though. Is Ellen Page available or is she still trying to get that lesbian vampire movie off the ground?

COMING OUT WILL YOU GIVE YOU A CAREER BOOST, LINDSAY LOHAN ABC News has picked up on a “trend” (read: slow news day) of Hollywood stars “coming out” as bisexual and how it might actually help their careers. However, this trend only seems to help females, in their opinion, citing (of course) Angelina Jolie as a starlet whose highly publicized relationship with Jenny Shimizu in the ’90s happened before she started getting bigger roles.

Reuters also had a similar report this week, writing that Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi and Rosie O’Donnell have had no negatives in their careers since coming out. They seem to have skipped some obvious examples (Ellen’s failed sitcom and Rosie’s haircut fiasco come to mind), but it looks like everyone’s wearing rose-tinted glasses right now.

One thing these articles did have in common: They point out that Lindsay Lohan‘s career really can’t be any worse at this point. Couldn’t have they have just printed ads reading “Lindsay Lohan: Your Coming-Out Story Here”?

Even reputable publications like the New York Times felt the need to tackle the “trend” (including a piece on it in their Style section with a huge photo of Lohan and her suspected girlfriend Samantha Ronson). I love when it’s in fashion to be into other women – I’m always well-dressed. – by Trish Bendix

A CAPE ON THE CATWALK For those of us still mumbling and rocking in the corner as we wait for the next cycle of America’s Next Top Model to begin, the kind people at TV Land have brought us a new reality show, She’s Got the Look (Wednesdays at 10 p.m.). This modeling competition is for grown-ups only, specifically women over the age of 35 who want a “second chance” at a modeling career. According to the official website, the winner of the contest will receive a “life changing” contract with the world famous Wilhelmina Modeling Agency and a spread in Self magazine. Among the finalists is a queer contestant, Paula. According to the official website, she’s a “37-year-old former basketball player from L.A. who calls herself ‘sexy, crazy and cool.’ She likes her androgynous appearance, and hopes that ‘the world will catch up soon and think that, too.'” Well, I hope so too. In fact, I –

Wait! Up in the sky on the runway! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Whip-Snap! Yes, that’s right. The woman who, just last summer, wanted to be a superhero, now wants to be a supermodel. And really, is there that much of a difference?

On Who Wants To Be a Superhero, Whip-Snap’s powers included a sixth sense for danger and the ability to turn her enemies into sand. Apparently she also had the power to time travel, because her bio then listed her age as 31, and now (one year later) she claims to be 37. Could this be because being under 35 would have disqualified her for She’s Got the Look?

So what’s the real story here? And just how far will Paula make it in the contest? I really don’t know. But I do know that if Tyra Banks had the power to disrupt the space-time continuum, she wouldn’t use it to rocket between lame reality shows. She would use it for world domination. And we’d like it.

“BISEXUAL” QUOTE OF THE WEEK “It is because of me – I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.” Tila Tequila to Us magazine on how she contributed to the legalization of gay marriage in California

by Karman Kregloe

THEY’RE PUTTING LESBIANS ON STAMPS? NEXT IT’LL BE ANIMALS! AE reader norgefan tipped us off that Norway – which this week became the sixth country to legalize same-sex marriage (and adoption rights) – has selected openly gay handball champion (and AfterEllen.com Hottie No. 82) Gro Hammerseng to represent the country on their official 2008 Olympics stamps.

The stamps will be available for sale in Norway on the opening day of the Olympics on Aug. 8. Hammerseng is one-half of the Scandinavian handball power couple Gro Hammersengand Katja Nyberg, who went public with their relationship in 2005. (For an explanation of handball and a CliffsNotes summary on the couple, start on page 190 of the the really, really long thread about them in our forum.)

This got me to thinking – what other out lesbian/bi athletes could we put on stamps?

There’s Australia’s Karrie Webb, the LPGA’s only open gay player. And of course, the WNBA’s Sheryl Swoopes, whom I had the pleasure of watching in person at a Seattle Storm game this weekend (she rocked!). And of course, there’s Ellen. OK, sure, technically she’s not an athlete, but we all know they’re going to put her and Oprah on stamps sometime soon anyway. I’m just trying to help the process along.

LESBIAN FASHION POLICE AE reader Aimee tipped us off that BBC2 is currently airing the second season of Mary, Queen of Shops, in which successful fashion retailer and out lesbian Mary Portas “descends on failing businesses, Gordon Ramsay-style, and advises the proprietor how to turn things round,” as one British newspaper describes it.

The second-season debut received over 2.8 million viewers in the U.K. But I’m a little confused. Someone said lesbians don’t have any fashion sense. And I could swear they said we’re not funny, either. Hmm, maybe it was the same person who told Tila Tequila she was responsible for legalizing gay marriage in California …

AFTERELLEN.COM VIDEO NEWS Ghostella’s Haunted Tomb and Gay Girls Who Game weren’t able to give you new episodes this week, because Ghostella’s tape recorder was sent to the shop after it unexpectedly began playing Milli Vanilli on a loop, and Tracy and Angela played so much Grand Theft Auto 4 last week they accidentally boosted a real car and were unable to film a new episode last week from jail (slackers!). Both will be back with new episodes next week.

Because some of you have asked: Yes, Come With Me if You Want to Live will be back, but because Dee and Jenn are in two totally different locations this summer, we may have to wait until later this summer or the fall to get them vlogging together again. They’re as bummed about this as we are, but for some reason, they think vlogging isn’t quite as important as finishing their education. (What is the world coming to?!)

In better news: Michelle Paradise will be back beginning the next week with new episodes of her behind-the-scenes of Exes & Ohs vlog once or twice a month. She’ll focus on the second-season development process, from the writing (which is happening now) to the shooting later this summer/fall (on location, and on-set in Vancouver), through the editing process to the premiere of the second season early next year.

We’ll have a new episode of She Made Me Watch This! for you on Monday. Lori and I and a mystery guest will be reviewing/discussing Gimme Sugar, the second season debuts of Army Wives and My Boys, and the new Mary McCormack FBI series In Plain Sight.

Finally, we have a new WNBA vlog, From the Cheap Seats, launching Saturday. Each weekend, AE readers and walking WNBA encyclopedias Michelle and Becca will discuss the highlights of the week’s WNBA games and give their thoughts on the players and teams. (Sheryl Swoopes stamps not included.)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Thanks in no small part to your votes, Entertainment Weekly’s 28 TV Castmates With Perfect Chemistry includes two lesbian couples: Bette and Tina at No. 11, and Spashley at No. 25. You go, AE readers!

Logo is now syndicating the first season of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. An LGBT TV channel airing a show that promotes really negative stereotypes about bisexual women (and lesbians and Asian-American women)? In an environment in which there are no positive images of bi women on TV to balance it out? Worst. Decision. Ever.

This weekend in Washington, D.C., Women in the Life Association launches its first-ever film festival for women of color during Capitol Pride week (thanks Shortypants!). It kicks off Friday night with a screening of black. womyn., a documentary featuring interviews with Staceyann Chin, Hanifah Walidah and more.

Openly gay Canadian Rachel Zolf, a previous Trillium nominee, won the prestigious Trillium Book Award for Best English language Book of Poetry, along with a $10,000 prize.

This month in San Francisco, the National Queer Arts Festival is featuring a free exhibit of queer art and artists called Making Room for Wonder at the SomArts Gallery. Go here for more details.

Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick and his wife are so supportive of their openly gay 18-year-old daughter, they offered to watch The L Wordwith her. Her response? Um, thanks but no thanks, Dad.

Dorothy Snarker’s blog, Dorothy Surrenders, won the Audience Award for Most Totally Rad Sickest Blog Ever at the NewNowNext Awards. Congratulations, Dorothy!

We have finalized a location for our San Francisco AfterEllen.com Meet-up: We’ll be at the Lookout, at 3600 16th Street at Market Street in the Castro, on June 22 from 2-4 p.m. Karman Kregloe, Bridget McManus, Malinda Lo and Sarah Pecora will be there. Go here for more details and to discuss the meet-up.

by Sarah Warn

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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