“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.9 “Results Are In”

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The end is near — Welcome

to the season finale, fitness and/or drama lovers. Seems like only a decade ago

we met this year’s SkyLab clients, new trainers and Jackie’s showmance du jour,

Briana “Save the Drama for Your Mama” Stockton.

Who could forget SkyLabber Deenie

bawling like a baby during boot camp? Or Rebecca

making new friends on an Olivia cruise? Or Brian Peeler

getting s—-canned? And Sarah Warn helpfully reminded me that s—-canned is

spelled with a hyphen. Phew, good times.

Homeland security — Last

week, after a long day of taping bloopers

for her hardcore fitness DVD, Jackie came home to find Briana’s oddly unattended

cell phone, which was just screaming

to be snooped through. Who leaves the house without their cell? But the bigger

question is: Why is Jackie invading Briana’s privacy?

After avoiding the temptation for a whole 10 seconds, Jackie

broke down and read Briana’s text messages. Somewhere between smiley emoticons

from her sisters and suggestions from Bravo producers to pick a fight, throw a

glass or accidentally lose her pants, Jackie finds a message from Briana’s ex that says, “I love you.” Jackie’s head promptly explodes.

Today, Jackie and Briana are in couples’ therapy.

Jackie: I think

that Briana and I have some trust issues with each other. And my biggest trust

issue is that Briana was keeping the connection with her previous girlfriend

and it was behind my back.

Jackie tells Dr. Shirley they have a couple of good days, and

then a bad couple of hours. Oh, the

horror. Clearly, this relationship is doomed.

Dr. Shirley wants deets, so Jackie volunteers that she’s not

down with Briana’s ex, who’s “never fully let her go.” So, in other

words, it’s your typical Tuesday in Lesbianville.

Jackie: We still

get texts in the middle of the night, or late at night [saying] “I love

you.”

“We”?

Briana: OK, no. I’ve

always had good relationships with my ex-girlfriends. And she found it in my

phone …

Jackie: Don’t even start with that.

Briana: I’m not. I’m just saying how



Jackie: Seriously. Don’t even start

with that.

Briana: M’kay, Jackie.

Jackie: ‘Cause you look at my texts,

like, 24/7.

Apparently, Jackie and Briana have an open text

relationship.

But now that Briana’s in box holds I-love-you’s from her ex,

it’s not OK anymore.

Jackie: I asked

her to have a time period away from this person.

Briana: And I did have a time

period.

Jackie: No, she didn’t. A time

period for her was a week.

They go a couple of rounds over the definition of “week.”

Maybe I’m an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even

when they come back, I still don’t care. There is something seriously wrong

with me.

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