The end is near — Welcome
to the season finale, fitness and/or drama lovers. Seems like only a decade ago
we met this year’s SkyLab clients, new trainers and Jackie’s showmance du jour,
Briana “Save the Drama for Your Mama” Stockton.
Who could forget SkyLabber Deenie
bawling like a baby during boot camp? Or Rebecca
making new friends on an Olivia cruise? Or Brian Peeler
getting s—-canned? And Sarah Warn helpfully reminded me that s—-canned is
spelled with a hyphen. Phew, good times.
Homeland security — Last
week, after a long day of taping bloopers
for her hardcore fitness DVD, Jackie came home to find Briana’s oddly unattended
cell phone, which was just screaming
to be snooped through. Who leaves the house without their cell? But the bigger
question is: Why is Jackie invading Briana’s privacy?
After avoiding the temptation for a whole 10 seconds, Jackie
broke down and read Briana’s text messages. Somewhere between smiley emoticons
from her sisters and suggestions from Bravo producers to pick a fight, throw a
glass or accidentally lose her pants, Jackie finds a message from Briana’s ex that says, “I love you.” Jackie’s head promptly explodes.
Today, Jackie and Briana are in couples’ therapy.
Jackie: I think
that Briana and I have some trust issues with each other. And my biggest trust
issue is that Briana was keeping the connection with her previous girlfriend
and it was behind my back.
Jackie tells Dr. Shirley they have a couple of good days, and
then a bad couple of hours. Oh, the
horror. Clearly, this relationship is doomed.
Dr. Shirley wants deets, so Jackie volunteers that she’s not
down with Briana’s ex, who’s “never fully let her go.” So, in other
words, it’s your typical Tuesday in Lesbianville.
Jackie: We still
get texts in the middle of the night, or late at night [saying] “I love
Briana: OK, no. I’ve
always had good relationships with my ex-girlfriends. And she found it in my
Jackie: Don’t even start with that.
Briana: I’m not. I’m just saying how
Jackie: Seriously. Don’t even start
Briana: M’kay, Jackie.
Jackie: ‘Cause you look at my texts,
Apparently, Jackie and Briana have an open text
But now that Briana’s in box holds I-love-you’s from her ex,
it’s not OK anymore.
Jackie: I asked
her to have a time period away from this person.
Briana: And I did have a time
Jackie: No, she didn’t. A time
period for her was a week.
They go a couple of rounds over the definition of “week.”
Maybe I’m an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even
when they come back, I still don’t care. There is something seriously wrong