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“Top Chef” Recaps: Episode 4.12 “High Steaks”

Quickfire: The real American chopper.

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Lisa: Personally, I wouldn’t want that much pressure. That is going to force you into a decision you may regret 10 minutes later and you can’t change your mind.

Beef: It’s finally what’s for dinner– The chefs go back to their townhouse for some downtime before the big night. As they eat steaks, Spike handicaps the race.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: It’s kind of rewarding just to show the other four people, listen, I’m still here and I’m here to play hard from now on.

Well, that was telling. I guess that confirms what we already knew, that Spike’s game plan up to this point has been to spread the blame and do just enough to not get booted.

Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does have what Padma calls “a really important decision to make” in the Elimination Challenge. What could it be? Paper or plastic? Boxers or briefs? Hat or asshat? I’m all a-tingle.

Must have the precious – Padma says that for the Elimination Challenge, Chef Tramonto is entrusting them with something very precious. Precious? Those sneaky little cheffitses have the precious?

Well, the precious turns out not to be The One Ring to rule them all, but Chef Tramonto’s brand-new steakhouse. They will take it over for the night. Each chef will create an appetizer and an entrée. Spike’s “important decision” is that he has first choice of proteins for both his dishes.

Not everyone is convinced Spike’s advantage is so advantageous.

Lisa: Personally, I wouldn’t want that much pressure. That is going to force you into a decision you may regret 10 minutes later and you can’t change your mind.

Beef: It’s finally what’s for dinner– The chefs go back to their townhouse for some downtime before the big night. As they eat steaks, Spike handicaps the race.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Lisa: It’s stressful knowing that the tiniest flaw or the tiniest imperfection in something can get you sent home. It’s going to really suck if I have to go home before I make it in the top four.

After the 20 minutes are over, the chefs are told to pack up their steaks and head to the Top Chef Kitchen. Something tells me that beef hasn’t seen the end of the road yet.

How do you like your steak? – At the kitchen they find Padma and guest judge Rick Tramonto, a well-known Chicago chef and restaurateur. For the second leg of the Quickfire, they must now cook the perfect steak for Rick.

Note that Padma did not say the perfect tasting steak. Nope, this challenge has nothing to do with taste or flavor. It’s all about how well the steak is butchered and prepared. So now the only question is: How do you like your steak, Rick? Medium rare it is.

Though he looks like a man who enjoys a good steak, Tramonto will not be tasting any of the steaks. Instead he will touch and look at each one to assess temperature and doneness.

Cooking a medium-rare steak should be second nature to a good chef, says Lisa. But she admits that when the pressure is on, in sneaks the second guessing. Each cook has his/her own technique for preparing the steaks. Lisa’s is straight-up in the pan.

Spike grills it evenly on both sides and then throws it in the oven. Richard goes traditional. Antonia bastes it like crazy in butter. And Stephanie uses a technique called “take out the competition” as she splatters hot grease onto Lisa accidentally.

Beef: It’s not what’s for dinner – Time is up and it’s time to not taste the steaks. Chef Tramonto cuts into each steak, feels its temperature, asks how it was prepared and moves on. Oh for Pete’s sake, what a waste! Not even a nibble? Not a lick? Nothing? No doubt a concerned mother somewhere is screaming at the screen about the starving children in Africa right this very second.

So, whose meat made the cut and whose didn’t? The worst: Stephanie and Richard (bad butchery, underdone steak). The best: Lisa (well-cooked), Spike (amazing butchery) and Antonia (beautiful crust). But who was a cut above? Spike.

Spike: It’s kind of rewarding just to show the other four people, listen, I’m still here and I’m here to play hard from now on.

Well, that was telling. I guess that confirms what we already knew, that Spike’s game plan up to this point has been to spread the blame and do just enough to not get booted.

Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does have what Padma calls “a really important decision to make” in the Elimination Challenge. What could it be? Paper or plastic? Boxers or briefs? Hat or asshat? I’m all a-tingle.

Must have the precious – Padma says that for the Elimination Challenge, Chef Tramonto is entrusting them with something very precious. Precious? Those sneaky little cheffitses have the precious?

Well, the precious turns out not to be The One Ring to rule them all, but Chef Tramonto’s brand-new steakhouse. They will take it over for the night. Each chef will create an appetizer and an entrée. Spike’s “important decision” is that he has first choice of proteins for both his dishes.

Not everyone is convinced Spike’s advantage is so advantageous.

Lisa: Personally, I wouldn’t want that much pressure. That is going to force you into a decision you may regret 10 minutes later and you can’t change your mind.

Beef: It’s finally what’s for dinner– The chefs go back to their townhouse for some downtime before the big night. As they eat steaks, Spike handicaps the race.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Spike: There seems to be a little strain of butchery in me.

Yes, yes there is.

Slice me off a piece of that –The ginormous slabs of beef they have to butcher look positively prehistoric. It’s a meal fit for Captain Caveman.

They have 20 minutes to hack into their meat. And hack they do. The aging on the meat has made it incredibly tough going. Everyone grunts and groans with effort, except for old butcher boy Spike. He calls it “so easy it wasn’t even funny.”

Now, is it just me or is this challenge unfairly weighted toward the men? The meat appears to be both (a) very heavy and (b) very tough. That means those with more brute strength have an advantage, especially with time as a factor. This is, of course, not saying that women can’t make excellent butchers. But you can see why a wee thing like Stephanie might have some technical difficulties. Heck, even her butcher’s coat is too big for her.

Everyone has their eyes on their meat – and the prize.

Lisa: It’s stressful knowing that the tiniest flaw or the tiniest imperfection in something can get you sent home. It’s going to really suck if I have to go home before I make it in the top four.

After the 20 minutes are over, the chefs are told to pack up their steaks and head to the Top Chef Kitchen. Something tells me that beef hasn’t seen the end of the road yet.

How do you like your steak? – At the kitchen they find Padma and guest judge Rick Tramonto, a well-known Chicago chef and restaurateur. For the second leg of the Quickfire, they must now cook the perfect steak for Rick.

Note that Padma did not say the perfect tasting steak. Nope, this challenge has nothing to do with taste or flavor. It’s all about how well the steak is butchered and prepared. So now the only question is: How do you like your steak, Rick? Medium rare it is.

Though he looks like a man who enjoys a good steak, Tramonto will not be tasting any of the steaks. Instead he will touch and look at each one to assess temperature and doneness.

Cooking a medium-rare steak should be second nature to a good chef, says Lisa. But she admits that when the pressure is on, in sneaks the second guessing. Each cook has his/her own technique for preparing the steaks. Lisa’s is straight-up in the pan.

Spike grills it evenly on both sides and then throws it in the oven. Richard goes traditional. Antonia bastes it like crazy in butter. And Stephanie uses a technique called “take out the competition” as she splatters hot grease onto Lisa accidentally.

Beef: It’s not what’s for dinner – Time is up and it’s time to not taste the steaks. Chef Tramonto cuts into each steak, feels its temperature, asks how it was prepared and moves on. Oh for Pete’s sake, what a waste! Not even a nibble? Not a lick? Nothing? No doubt a concerned mother somewhere is screaming at the screen about the starving children in Africa right this very second.

So, whose meat made the cut and whose didn’t? The worst: Stephanie and Richard (bad butchery, underdone steak). The best: Lisa (well-cooked), Spike (amazing butchery) and Antonia (beautiful crust). But who was a cut above? Spike.

Spike: It’s kind of rewarding just to show the other four people, listen, I’m still here and I’m here to play hard from now on.

Well, that was telling. I guess that confirms what we already knew, that Spike’s game plan up to this point has been to spread the blame and do just enough to not get booted.

Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does have what Padma calls “a really important decision to make” in the Elimination Challenge. What could it be? Paper or plastic? Boxers or briefs? Hat or asshat? I’m all a-tingle.

Must have the precious – Padma says that for the Elimination Challenge, Chef Tramonto is entrusting them with something very precious. Precious? Those sneaky little cheffitses have the precious?

Well, the precious turns out not to be The One Ring to rule them all, but Chef Tramonto’s brand-new steakhouse. They will take it over for the night. Each chef will create an appetizer and an entrée. Spike’s “important decision” is that he has first choice of proteins for both his dishes.

Not everyone is convinced Spike’s advantage is so advantageous.

Lisa: Personally, I wouldn’t want that much pressure. That is going to force you into a decision you may regret 10 minutes later and you can’t change your mind.

Beef: It’s finally what’s for dinner– The chefs go back to their townhouse for some downtime before the big night. As they eat steaks, Spike handicaps the race.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Stephanie: In Top Chef history there has never been this many girls right up towards the end, so there is a possibility that it will be three girls in the finals, which would be totally crazy.

Crazy? Maybe. Awesome? Definitely.

Where’s the beef? – The chefs shove off, but instead of heading to the Top Chef kitchen, they detour to Allen Brothers, a nationally recognized meat purveyor. So what are five chefs to do at a company know for its meat? Well, butcher it of course. The Elimination Challenge is to cut dry-aged, long-bone ribeyes into individual tomahawk chops.

But first the chefs must suit up in their FDA-required butcher gear including hairnet, baseball cap, apron and something that resembles a breast plate, but lower. It’s Xena: Warrior Princess meets mental institution chic.

Antonia is nervous, since she says she is not much of a butcher. Spike, on the other hand, comes from a long line of butchers. And then he perfectly describes his own personality.

Spike: There seems to be a little strain of butchery in me.

Yes, yes there is.

Slice me off a piece of that –The ginormous slabs of beef they have to butcher look positively prehistoric. It’s a meal fit for Captain Caveman.

They have 20 minutes to hack into their meat. And hack they do. The aging on the meat has made it incredibly tough going. Everyone grunts and groans with effort, except for old butcher boy Spike. He calls it “so easy it wasn’t even funny.”

Now, is it just me or is this challenge unfairly weighted toward the men? The meat appears to be both (a) very heavy and (b) very tough. That means those with more brute strength have an advantage, especially with time as a factor. This is, of course, not saying that women can’t make excellent butchers. But you can see why a wee thing like Stephanie might have some technical difficulties. Heck, even her butcher’s coat is too big for her.

Everyone has their eyes on their meat – and the prize.

Lisa: It’s stressful knowing that the tiniest flaw or the tiniest imperfection in something can get you sent home. It’s going to really suck if I have to go home before I make it in the top four.

After the 20 minutes are over, the chefs are told to pack up their steaks and head to the Top Chef Kitchen. Something tells me that beef hasn’t seen the end of the road yet.

How do you like your steak? – At the kitchen they find Padma and guest judge Rick Tramonto, a well-known Chicago chef and restaurateur. For the second leg of the Quickfire, they must now cook the perfect steak for Rick.

Note that Padma did not say the perfect tasting steak. Nope, this challenge has nothing to do with taste or flavor. It’s all about how well the steak is butchered and prepared. So now the only question is: How do you like your steak, Rick? Medium rare it is.

Though he looks like a man who enjoys a good steak, Tramonto will not be tasting any of the steaks. Instead he will touch and look at each one to assess temperature and doneness.

Cooking a medium-rare steak should be second nature to a good chef, says Lisa. But she admits that when the pressure is on, in sneaks the second guessing. Each cook has his/her own technique for preparing the steaks. Lisa’s is straight-up in the pan.

Spike grills it evenly on both sides and then throws it in the oven. Richard goes traditional. Antonia bastes it like crazy in butter. And Stephanie uses a technique called “take out the competition” as she splatters hot grease onto Lisa accidentally.

Beef: It’s not what’s for dinner – Time is up and it’s time to not taste the steaks. Chef Tramonto cuts into each steak, feels its temperature, asks how it was prepared and moves on. Oh for Pete’s sake, what a waste! Not even a nibble? Not a lick? Nothing? No doubt a concerned mother somewhere is screaming at the screen about the starving children in Africa right this very second.

So, whose meat made the cut and whose didn’t? The worst: Stephanie and Richard (bad butchery, underdone steak). The best: Lisa (well-cooked), Spike (amazing butchery) and Antonia (beautiful crust). But who was a cut above? Spike.

Spike: It’s kind of rewarding just to show the other four people, listen, I’m still here and I’m here to play hard from now on.

Well, that was telling. I guess that confirms what we already knew, that Spike’s game plan up to this point has been to spread the blame and do just enough to not get booted.

Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does have what Padma calls “a really important decision to make” in the Elimination Challenge. What could it be? Paper or plastic? Boxers or briefs? Hat or asshat? I’m all a-tingle.

Must have the precious – Padma says that for the Elimination Challenge, Chef Tramonto is entrusting them with something very precious. Precious? Those sneaky little cheffitses have the precious?

Well, the precious turns out not to be The One Ring to rule them all, but Chef Tramonto’s brand-new steakhouse. They will take it over for the night. Each chef will create an appetizer and an entrée. Spike’s “important decision” is that he has first choice of proteins for both his dishes.

Not everyone is convinced Spike’s advantage is so advantageous.

Lisa: Personally, I wouldn’t want that much pressure. That is going to force you into a decision you may regret 10 minutes later and you can’t change your mind.

Beef: It’s finally what’s for dinner– The chefs go back to their townhouse for some downtime before the big night. As they eat steaks, Spike handicaps the race.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

Elimination: Mi restaurant es su restaurant. Padmaism: “The whole should be greater than all your parts.”

And then there were five –Our merry quintet gets ready for the last battle to select the final four. They all prepare themselves for something crazy, and the remaining women prepare themselves for something historic.

Stephanie: In Top Chef history there has never been this many girls right up towards the end, so there is a possibility that it will be three girls in the finals, which would be totally crazy.

Crazy? Maybe. Awesome? Definitely.

Where’s the beef? – The chefs shove off, but instead of heading to the Top Chef kitchen, they detour to Allen Brothers, a nationally recognized meat purveyor. So what are five chefs to do at a company know for its meat? Well, butcher it of course. The Elimination Challenge is to cut dry-aged, long-bone ribeyes into individual tomahawk chops.

But first the chefs must suit up in their FDA-required butcher gear including hairnet, baseball cap, apron and something that resembles a breast plate, but lower. It’s Xena: Warrior Princess meets mental institution chic.

Antonia is nervous, since she says she is not much of a butcher. Spike, on the other hand, comes from a long line of butchers. And then he perfectly describes his own personality.

Spike: There seems to be a little strain of butchery in me.

Yes, yes there is.

Slice me off a piece of that –The ginormous slabs of beef they have to butcher look positively prehistoric. It’s a meal fit for Captain Caveman.

They have 20 minutes to hack into their meat. And hack they do. The aging on the meat has made it incredibly tough going. Everyone grunts and groans with effort, except for old butcher boy Spike. He calls it “so easy it wasn’t even funny.”

Now, is it just me or is this challenge unfairly weighted toward the men? The meat appears to be both (a) very heavy and (b) very tough. That means those with more brute strength have an advantage, especially with time as a factor. This is, of course, not saying that women can’t make excellent butchers. But you can see why a wee thing like Stephanie might have some technical difficulties. Heck, even her butcher’s coat is too big for her.

Everyone has their eyes on their meat – and the prize.

Lisa: It’s stressful knowing that the tiniest flaw or the tiniest imperfection in something can get you sent home. It’s going to really suck if I have to go home before I make it in the top four.

After the 20 minutes are over, the chefs are told to pack up their steaks and head to the Top Chef Kitchen. Something tells me that beef hasn’t seen the end of the road yet.

How do you like your steak? – At the kitchen they find Padma and guest judge Rick Tramonto, a well-known Chicago chef and restaurateur. For the second leg of the Quickfire, they must now cook the perfect steak for Rick.

Note that Padma did not say the perfect tasting steak. Nope, this challenge has nothing to do with taste or flavor. It’s all about how well the steak is butchered and prepared. So now the only question is: How do you like your steak, Rick? Medium rare it is.

Though he looks like a man who enjoys a good steak, Tramonto will not be tasting any of the steaks. Instead he will touch and look at each one to assess temperature and doneness.

Cooking a medium-rare steak should be second nature to a good chef, says Lisa. But she admits that when the pressure is on, in sneaks the second guessing. Each cook has his/her own technique for preparing the steaks. Lisa’s is straight-up in the pan.

Spike grills it evenly on both sides and then throws it in the oven. Richard goes traditional. Antonia bastes it like crazy in butter. And Stephanie uses a technique called “take out the competition” as she splatters hot grease onto Lisa accidentally.

Beef: It’s not what’s for dinner – Time is up and it’s time to not taste the steaks. Chef Tramonto cuts into each steak, feels its temperature, asks how it was prepared and moves on. Oh for Pete’s sake, what a waste! Not even a nibble? Not a lick? Nothing? No doubt a concerned mother somewhere is screaming at the screen about the starving children in Africa right this very second.

So, whose meat made the cut and whose didn’t? The worst: Stephanie and Richard (bad butchery, underdone steak). The best: Lisa (well-cooked), Spike (amazing butchery) and Antonia (beautiful crust). But who was a cut above? Spike.

Spike: It’s kind of rewarding just to show the other four people, listen, I’m still here and I’m here to play hard from now on.

Well, that was telling. I guess that confirms what we already knew, that Spike’s game plan up to this point has been to spread the blame and do just enough to not get booted.

Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does have what Padma calls “a really important decision to make” in the Elimination Challenge. What could it be? Paper or plastic? Boxers or briefs? Hat or asshat? I’m all a-tingle.

Must have the precious – Padma says that for the Elimination Challenge, Chef Tramonto is entrusting them with something very precious. Precious? Those sneaky little cheffitses have the precious?

Well, the precious turns out not to be The One Ring to rule them all, but Chef Tramonto’s brand-new steakhouse. They will take it over for the night. Each chef will create an appetizer and an entrée. Spike’s “important decision” is that he has first choice of proteins for both his dishes.

Not everyone is convinced Spike’s advantage is so advantageous.

Lisa: Personally, I wouldn’t want that much pressure. That is going to force you into a decision you may regret 10 minutes later and you can’t change your mind.

Beef: It’s finally what’s for dinner– The chefs go back to their townhouse for some downtime before the big night. As they eat steaks, Spike handicaps the race.

Spike: I’d like to see a little battle of the sexes. Out of the three girls I feel the top chef is Stephanie. It’s kind of debatable as far as Lisa and Antonia go. I’d like to see Antonia go home.

Whoa, presume much? Who says both men will automatically make the finals, buddy?

Vegetarians need not apply –The chefs arrive at Tramonto’s Steak & Seafood for their Elimination Challenge. They are all impressed by the dining room, but it’s the kitchen that matters. Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins first. He, of course, starts late. Always scheming, that one.

He picks the tomahawk steaks, which he “fell in love” with during the Quickfire. He also picks scallops. The thing is, they’re frozen.

The other chefs are, well, see for yourself.

In short, they think he is crazy. Why on earth would you pick a frozen item to serve in a gourmet restaurant?

Everyone else goes for the fresh stuff. Lisa picks New York strip and shrimp. Antonia picks a bone-in ribeye and a mushroom salad with poached egg. Richard picks beef tenderloin and hamachi with sweetbreads. Stephanie picks beef tenderloin and veal sweetbreads. The latter she swears will taste like Chicken McNuggets if done right. I’m not sure I feel reassured by that.

Two great things that go great together? – Lisa tells the other chefs that the ricer is “beautiful.” I just worry that she might be making rice again. It’s been her Achilles heel of late. Instead she is making peanut butter mashed potatoes. No, that is not a typo.

As they cook, Lisa is on fire. Well, her back is on fire. She is standing right in front of the wood-burning stove and it’s getting hot. She asks Antonia if its door needs to be open.

Antonia: Is it too hot for you? Lisa: A little bit. My shoulders are slightly on fire. [joking] Are you trying to sabotage me? Antonia: I don’t want it to die, it needs air. Lisa: What about me, what if I die? Antonia: Well then I guess you’re not going to Puerto Rico, Lisa.

That was both playful and forceful. These ladies mean business.

Lisa: I definitely want to make it to the finals. I didn’t give up everything and quit my job and spend this amount of time here away from my life to just go home early.

Does Long John Silver’s deliver? – Spike finally gets around to opening his frozen scallops. What he finds isn’t pretty. Almost every scallop is torn and soaked with moisture. Mmm, soggy seafood. Who has the tartar sauce?

Spike lays out enough paper towels to kill a rainforest and tries to dry out his mushy mollusks. He says he is going to have to keep patting them down until they’re ready, because he won’t be able to sear them if they’re wet. Never have I rooted more for humidity in my life.

Head judge Tom Colicchio walks in and checks on the cheftestants. It’s nice to see Tom and his blue chef’s coat again. I missed that shiny bald head last episode. He asks Antonia what she is cooking and if Spike’s advantage made it difficult for her.

Antonia: I would have loved to work with scallops, but when we came in they were frozen, so I wouldn’t be too excited for that.

Tom gives a tiny, almost imperceptible chuckle at the thought of Spike picking frozen scallops. See, I told you he was missed.

What Would Colicchio Do? – Tom makes his rounds to the other chefs, checking in on their dishes and their feel for the challenge. Stephanie tells him she couldn’t be happier.

Stephanie: I think it’s a great last challenge. It definitely shows who should be in the final four … We really just had a few minutes to create some dishes. So [it shows] your creativity and ability to think on the fly.

Richard is a little less thrilled. He tells Tom his entrée will be beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips and red wine. Tom calls it “pretty straightforward” for him.

Richard: Tom kind of says something to me that really bothers me a little bit today. He says, “Seems like you’re playing it safe.” It is straightforward for some of the things I’ve done. I’m not smoking anything in a plastic bag. But it’s a steakhouse.

Tom proceeds to psyche out Lisa as well. She tells him about her peanut butter mash, and he calls it “interesting.” She laughs and tells him it’s never a good sign when he says that.

Lisa: Tom is a little bit weirded out by the peanut butter mashed potatoes. He kind of just blinks and pulls his head back – that look that he gives. He just made me feel so weird I just kind of wanted to like hide in my station.

And then the butcher boy gets his Tom-a-hawking. Wow, I need some new beef puns. Or should that be beefier puns. Oh yeah, still got it.

Tom tells Spike that the other chefs were happy he took the soggy frozen scallops.

Spike: Yeah, I was a little disappointed after I opened the package. Tom: Didn’t you see that they were frozen? Spike: Yeah, I saw that they were frozen. Tom: You were OK with that? Spike: I don’t have a problem with using frozen scallops … If I make these things look good, I think I can make anything look good after that.

Tom blinks at him a lot. Blinking is also not a good sign.

Anyone want to say grace before dinner? – Before he leaves, Tom gathers the chef to give them the lowdown on the night’s service. They will serve about 60 guests as well as Padma, Gail Simmons and Chef Tramonto, and three VIP mystery guests. Tom will expedite the meal (which, in restaurant speak, means managing the timing of the dishes).

Everyone seems ready and eager, except for Spike.

Spike: I let Tom get in my mind and I started second guessing myself. It’s kind of ironic that I get an advantage and it ends up just biting me in the ass.

Well, it’s a little less ironic when you realize the last time Spike got an advantage, he was so busy sabotaging everyone else it bit him in the ass, too.

Everyone busies themselves with the last-minute prep work before the diners arrive. Richard is working hard to make it to the finale for many reasons.

Richard: My wife is at home busting her hump and working really hard … I’ve failed at many things in my life, and I don’t really feel like failing at this.

He also continues to fail with his haircut. But he seems so sincere and humble in that moment that I’ll let it pass just this once.

VIP all the way, baby – Right before service starts, Tom gathers the chefs one last time to introduce them to the night’s VIP mystery guests. And they are … drum roll … Top Chef Seasons 1, 2 and 3 winners Harold Dieterle, Ilan Hall and Hung Huynh.

Now that’s what I call VIP: Very Important Product-placement. Just when I think Top Chef has run out of ways to pimp products, they pull the ultimate product placement and promote themselves. Very impressive, Bravo.

Each past Top Chef titleholder gives the hopefuls some helpful advice.

Harold: Cook your style and be true to yourself. Hung: You are here to win, not be fan favorite. Just do what you’ve got to do to win. Ilan: Don’t shave anybody’s head tonight.

Oh, Ilan. I thought you might tell them to use copious amounts of saffron. But then I guess you wouldn’t want to give away all of your trade secrets.

How very appetizing – The diners, VIPs and judges Padma, Gail and Tramonto are seated. Anyone want to order an appetizer first?

Tom goes to the kitchen and tells the chefs they will need to make one-third sized portions for the judges’ tasting menu. This throws them for a bit of a loop, since they hadn’t planned on making smaller plates.

But what the judges want, the judges get, so they all undersize their appetizers for tasting. Lisa’s dish of grilled and chilled shrimp with lemon zest salad comes out first. Hung says it needs more sugar, Tramonto says the lemon is great, and Gail wonders why Lisa chilled the shrimp.

Next is Richard’s hamachi with crispy sweetbreads. It gets “good,” “delicious” and “perfect” comments from the judges. I think some of them have to resist the urge to lick their plates. If only Padma had less willpower.

That success is followed by Spike’s suspect scallops. He has served them with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. None of the judges mention the scallops. But they pick apart the sauce, hearts of palm and everything else as Harold calls it “not texturally interesting.” Well, Tramonto definitely looks uninterested. In fact he looks like he might fall asleep on his plate.

Stephanie sends out her veal sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts to snap them back to attention. Harold likes it. Dale likes it.

Gail: Exactly what Spike’s dish was missing, Stephanie’s dish had.

Oh, you mean good decision-making? I concur.

Finally, out comes Antonia’s warm mushroom and artichoke salad with a poached egg. Gail says it isn’t the strongest dish they’ve tasted. Tramonto says, besides the perfectly poached egg, the rest of the dish “fell apart.” Oh, Antonia, perhaps you’ve gone to the well once too many times with that poached egg salad.

Dinner is served – But enough of the foreplay, bring on the main event. It’s entrée time, and Tom tells Richard he is “killing” him with his slow orders. But Richard says he’ll take slow and perfect over quick and half-assed. Someone has been reading his Aesop’s Fables.

Richard’s entrée of beef filet with potato puree, turnips and pickled Brussels sprouts goes to the judges first. Harold says it works when the deconstructed parts are put together. Padma doesn’t want to do the extra fork work and says he should have put everything together in the first place. Ilan agrees.

Ilan: It’s not a relaxed dining experience. It’s a project.

It does kind of look like he ran out of time and dropped the ingredients on the plate along with the instructions: Some assembly required.

Sometimes you feel like a nut … – Lisa is up next with her New York strip with a spicy apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Gail is nervous about trying the mash. Tramonto dives right in and says he is “really digging the mash” and says it’s “really working” for him. But Ilan and Hung have problems with the steak. Once Gail gets up her courage, she deems the dish “not entirely balanced.”

Spike’s tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts follows. Does anyone else think his steak looks incinerated? Also, can you really call five Brussels sprouts leaves a side dish?

Ilan says the meat should have been served without the sides. And the dish didn’t blow his mind. Padma and Gail say the puree is too sweet. And Tramonto gives it a grudging “OK.”

… Sometimes you don’t – Stephanie prepares her plate and asks if her presentation of beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce looks “stupid.” Her worries were unfounded as Padma calls it “really gorgeous.” Tramonto says he wants to finish the whole dish. And even Hung loves it.

Finally, Antonia brings out her dish. She says working with Tom has made for a fun atmosphere. I agree. It’s nice to watch the chefs work without the drama and the yelling. It’s – dare I say – professional. Antonia’s bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis with a shallot and potato gratin may be last, but they’re not least.

Ilan has fallen in love with the fattiness of her steak. Tramonto says he digs the dish the most because “it ate the most rounded.” Well, with all that fat, something is definitely going to get round.

One last stew – The chefs enter the Stew Room for the last time. Spike breaks out the wine. Antonia says she needs a Xanax. They all toast to the most nerve-wracking day of the competition – and possibly their lives.

Lisa: No matter what happens, no matter who goes home tonight, we’ve all been through a s—load, we’ve all rocked these challenges and everybody is f—ing awesome and I hope we all stay in touch.

You know what? Since Dale’s departure, everyone has seemed a lot nicer and more relaxed. Heck, even Spike. God, maybe Dale was the problem all along.

Padma in a red dress, red dress, red dress – Padma comes in and thanks them for a great meal. She then asks to see all of them. It’s their final Judges’ Table in Chicago and she reminds them that the journey ends here for one of them. You know, because they might have forgotten.

Padma asks Richard how he thinks he did. He starts to answer, and then thinks better of it and asks how they think he did instead. Tramonto says his appetizer was “brilliant.” But Gail says there was “inconsistency” with his entrée.

Stephanie gets grilled next, but it’s more like a gentle sauté. Tom says that while, obviously, the chefs are under a lot of pressure, at no time does she show it while working. Gail chimes in, “Except right now.”

Stephanie: You guys are freaking me out.

Seriously, she could not get any cuter.

Tramonto says her sweetbreads were cooked “beautifully.” Padma assumes her entrée is a dish she has made lots of times before. But Stephanie says it’s her first time.

Then it’s Lisa’s turn under the microscope. Gail says she loved the lemon in the appetizer but wishes the shrimp were warm. Tramonto says he struggled with the dish. Wait – I thought he thought the lemon was great? Padma asks if she has made the entrée before. She says she has, many times.

Tramonto: You know when I read the dish I wanted to hate it. And when I ate it, it was interesting and if the technician work had been done a little better, I think it would have really exploded the dish.

Antonia’s dishes are next. She says she made dishes that she would like to eat at a steakhouse. They agree with her entrée and say both the steak and the gratin was a perfect fit for the restaurant.

Blame it on the rain – And, finally, it’s time for butcher boy Spike. He repeats his tale of love with the tomahawk steak, and Gail concurs that her steak was cooked and rested well and tasted good. But the others have a cleaver to grind with his choice of scallops.

Tom: I guess you get this far with five people left, you are in a restaurant and the scallops come in there frozen – send them back. Choose something else. I was really surprised that you stuck with those scallops. They were really terrible. Tramonto: Being a chef is all about choices … I mean a vendor brings in something like that in your restaurant in the back door, you’ve got to be able to say, “You know what? Change in plan, change in direction.”

At this point, you can practically see Spike’s wheels turning. Who can he blame? Who can he blame? Who can he … ?

Spike: Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and it should never made it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.

At this point, please enjoy a montage of people’s reactions.

I believe that’s the visual equivalent of an “Oh no he di’int!” Oh, dude, you just realize you blamed the guest judge for your own mistake, right? God, I have to rewind that.

Tramonto: I’ll take the shot. I’ll take the shot, bro. I had frozen scallops in my cooler. But you better take the shot that you used them.

Spike seemingly realizes the extreme error of his ways, and on the way out tries to mend fences by shaking hands with Tramonto and saying, “It was an honor,” before shuffling off with his tail between his legs.

Back in the Stew Room, even Spike is stunned by his own stupidity.

Spike: I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said the walk-in thing. I don’t know where that came from.

Uh, I do. You’ve been spreading the blame around all season.

Court is now in session –The judges discuss the results. Tom thinks it was a great challenge because all the contestants were self-contained. They had their stations, two dishes and no excuses. Well, except for you know who.

Chef Tramonto says Stephanie was the most well-rounded. Gail agrees and says she showed her something new, and that’s what gets her excited. I make a mental note of this because Gail is kind of cute and I wouldn’t mind seeing her, um, excited. Maybe we could invite Padma, too. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, right, the food. Richard’s first course is called “innovative and delicious” and the “single best dish of the night.” On his main course, however, Padma thinks the sum of its parts didn’t add up to more as a whole.

Antonia gets the love next. Tramonto calls her gratin great, Tom says her steak was the night’s best, and Gail thinks she cooks from the heart and it shows.

Bottom of the barrel – Then we get to Mr. Blamey himself. Tom says he had issues with both of Spike’s dishes. Tramonto is more generous and says he loved Spike’s “spunk and fire” but “expected more.” Hey, the guy just blamed you for his crappy dish – I think you’re taking it ridiculously well.

And finally Lisa gets the critical eye. Tom says he has always has been bothered by the fact that her cooking is apathetic. Padma, however, comes to her defense.

Padma: She has an amazing palate and I think she focuses more on flavor and less on the technique. Tom: But technique is how you make flavor.

The judges have boiled their bottom two down to Lisa and Spike. Chef Tramonto says it’s a cooking competition and regardless of personalities, it’s all about the food. Tom thinks they can all agree that Lisa’s shrimp was the least favorite dish.

Padma’s face – and the rest of her – say otherwise.

But they decide the main course is more important than the appetizer. And then Padma thinks they have their answer.

5 — 1 = Final Four – I’m not going to lie, my stomach has been in a knot all episode. I’m so nervous, I’ve been clutching the pen I take notes with so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. Please, judges, please. Do the right thing.

The cheftestants come back to face the judges. And, as the winning verdict is read, they all hold hands. It’s kind of sweet. Seriously, has everyone taken sugar pills since Dale’s departure or what?

Chef Tramonto says he picked the chef he thought he brought everything – appetizer and entrée – together as winner. And who pulled it off? Stephanie.

Lisa looks genuinely happy for her. Richard, not so much.

As the winner, Stephanie, of course, goes on to the final four and gets Tramonto’s newest cookbook. But just like in those late-night infomercials, Padma gives her the old, “But wait, there’s more!” You didn’t think she was only getting a piddling cookbook, did you? No, she also gets a full suite of GE Monogram appliances – stoves, ovens, refrigerators, the whole shebang.

I’ll let this latest gratuitous product placement slide because the joy on Stephanie’s face is infectious.

Tom then tells Richard his appetizer was the judges’ favorite, so he too is going to Puerto Rico. I’d say the look on his face is more relief than joy.

And Antonia is told her entrée was the judges’ favorite, so she too is going to the final four. That’s right, Team ARS totally kicked arse. They engage in a goofy, three-way, almost falling on their arses hug afterward.

And then there were two – Lisa and Spike, however, are in no mood for hugs. As the bottom two, one gets an all-expenses-paid trip to Puerto Rico, and the other gets to go home and look at Puerto Rico on a map.

Tom does not mince words. He tells Lisa she has been in the bottom five times and Spike has been there seven times, so “neither one of you should be surprised to be here right now.”

Tom: Lisa, I think all of us got a sense through your food … [that] you’re not pushing through, you’re not driving, you’re not being absolutely ferocious … From hearing you talk we know there is passion there, we know there is something driving it. We’ve got to see it.

What they see instead is Lisa’s usual stony judges’ table face. I’m not sure if this is a defense mechanism or what, but I’d rethink it. It doesn’t exactly say, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better.”

Tom: Spike, there are choices we make as chefs. Everything that goes on a plate is there by design. We thought that you made a huge mistake in serving those scallops. I love the fact that you talk about using simple flavors, but if you’re going to cook using very simple flavors, everything has to be perfect.

He nods, and gives a more appropriately contrite, “I hear you judges, thanks and I’m going to do better” face.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Spike.

Ding-dong, the asshat is gone! OK, that might be a tad mean given the seemingly genuine hug he gives Lisa afterward. But a cocky attitude plus responsibility-shirking behavior plus terrible, terrible, terrible headgear does not a Top Chef make.

Lisa, in the meantime, almost tears up with joy about moving on to the finals. She pulls it together to stoically tell the judges that she is going to “bring it” in Puerto Rico.

Spike tells the cameras that this won’t be the last the cooking world sees of him. But, God willing, it will be the last we see of his ridiculous hats.

The remaining cheftestants are excited to have a clean slate and vow to bring their A-game to Puerto Rico.

So, the final four is set. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with the outcome of the episode. And having three women in the finale is beyond fantastic. Cheers, folks, you’ve earned it.

Next week on Top Chef: Flip-flops and tank tops and brand spanking new lesbian haircuts, oh my! Welcome to Puerto Rico, hope you didn’t forget to pack your knives.

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