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“Top Chef” Recaps: Episode 4.9 “Wedding Wars”

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Lisa: I smoked her ass on those oranges and got us a killer head start.

With that, Spike starts his artichokes. He brags about having two turned in a matter of seconds. But then Andrew gets to start. He tears at them with his bare hands. His bare hands! OK, I’ve made artichokes many times before and then whined for days afterward about stabbing myself with those horrid little thorns at the end of each leaf.

I guess sometimes it pays off having a crazy dude on your team because he is gaining ground on Spike. But it turns out Andrew is crazy like a fox. He has a secret weapon for tackling the artichokes: a peeler.

Quick question, does everyone else see the little blue toy soldier in the bottom left corner? Um, what’s that all about? First Padma with the Army surplus jacket and now this? Is the military a subliminal sponsor this week?

OK, back to the race. Spike breaks the stem off his second artichoke and has to start anew. That, coupled with Andrew’s peeler smarts, evaporates the lead Lisa had built up. They finish neck and neck.

Losing my religion – Now it’s time for Dale and Richard to get busy with the monkfish. They hack into the prehistoric-looking creature. Seriously, nightmares.

Now, I have to question the wisdom of Team Fork putting Richard on fish duty. Does no one else remember the scales incident?

Dale flies through his fish. But Lisa says his filets are pretty gnarly looking. Still, how can you expect pretty filets out of a fish that ugly? They finish within seconds of one another, which means it’s all down to the condiments.

What, no Miracle Whip? – Nikki and Stephanie start making their mayo. It takes egg yolks, Dijon mustard, lemon, oil and really strong forearms.

Both women say they feel like their arms are going to fall off. Their respective teammates are urging them on. But it seems like the whisking will never end. And then Stephanie fills her quart measuring cup. Her teammates respond by nearly smothering her to death with a hug.

Over on Team Spoon, however, Dale is not feeling the love. He punches a locker and screams “F—!” Bad sport, much?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Dale: It’s so asinine for me to hear these things come out of people’s mouths. “I haven’t made a mayonnaise by hand in years.” Like they’re scared of it. Why are you still here?

Go, team, go!

The Spoons finally decide to give Lisa the oranges, Spike the artichokes, Dale the monkfish and Nikki, reluctantly, the mayo.

On your marks, get set – And then they’re off. Lisa and Antonia get slicing. Lisa’s hands are shaking, and she worries she might slit an artery. The potential for catastrophic blood loss aside, Lisa is racing through her supremes and is a good two oranges ahead of Antonia. Behold the power of the wrist cuff.

Lisa: I smoked her ass on those oranges and got us a killer head start.

With that, Spike starts his artichokes. He brags about having two turned in a matter of seconds. But then Andrew gets to start. He tears at them with his bare hands. His bare hands! OK, I’ve made artichokes many times before and then whined for days afterward about stabbing myself with those horrid little thorns at the end of each leaf.

I guess sometimes it pays off having a crazy dude on your team because he is gaining ground on Spike. But it turns out Andrew is crazy like a fox. He has a secret weapon for tackling the artichokes: a peeler.

Quick question, does everyone else see the little blue toy soldier in the bottom left corner? Um, what’s that all about? First Padma with the Army surplus jacket and now this? Is the military a subliminal sponsor this week?

OK, back to the race. Spike breaks the stem off his second artichoke and has to start anew. That, coupled with Andrew’s peeler smarts, evaporates the lead Lisa had built up. They finish neck and neck.

Losing my religion – Now it’s time for Dale and Richard to get busy with the monkfish. They hack into the prehistoric-looking creature. Seriously, nightmares.

Now, I have to question the wisdom of Team Fork putting Richard on fish duty. Does no one else remember the scales incident?

Dale flies through his fish. But Lisa says his filets are pretty gnarly looking. Still, how can you expect pretty filets out of a fish that ugly? They finish within seconds of one another, which means it’s all down to the condiments.

What, no Miracle Whip? – Nikki and Stephanie start making their mayo. It takes egg yolks, Dijon mustard, lemon, oil and really strong forearms.

Both women say they feel like their arms are going to fall off. Their respective teammates are urging them on. But it seems like the whisking will never end. And then Stephanie fills her quart measuring cup. Her teammates respond by nearly smothering her to death with a hug.

Over on Team Spoon, however, Dale is not feeling the love. He punches a locker and screams “F—!” Bad sport, much?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Dale: We don’t have the strongest cooks, but capable cooks.

Capable cooks? Now that’s what I call team spirit!

The culinary Olympics – The Quickfire will have the two teams squaring off in Tom’s favorite challenge, the mis en place relay race. The chefs will go head-to-head to finish four consecutive tasks. First, they must peel and supreme five oranges. Second, they must clean and turn two artichokes, leaving the stems on. Third, they must clean and make two filets from an ugly-ass monkfish. Fourth and finally, they must make one quart of mayonnaise.

I really cannot overemphasize the ugliness of the monkfish. It might even give me nightmares.

They teams split up each task. The Forks give Antonia oranges, Andrew artichokes, Richard monkfish and Stephanie mayo. The Spoons have a bit more trouble dividing their tasks. Seems nobody likes mayo. Nikki hasn’t made it by hand since culinary school and wants a refresher. But Dale is in no mood to mentor.

Dale: It’s so asinine for me to hear these things come out of people’s mouths. “I haven’t made a mayonnaise by hand in years.” Like they’re scared of it. Why are you still here?

Go, team, go!

The Spoons finally decide to give Lisa the oranges, Spike the artichokes, Dale the monkfish and Nikki, reluctantly, the mayo.

On your marks, get set – And then they’re off. Lisa and Antonia get slicing. Lisa’s hands are shaking, and she worries she might slit an artery. The potential for catastrophic blood loss aside, Lisa is racing through her supremes and is a good two oranges ahead of Antonia. Behold the power of the wrist cuff.

Lisa: I smoked her ass on those oranges and got us a killer head start.

With that, Spike starts his artichokes. He brags about having two turned in a matter of seconds. But then Andrew gets to start. He tears at them with his bare hands. His bare hands! OK, I’ve made artichokes many times before and then whined for days afterward about stabbing myself with those horrid little thorns at the end of each leaf.

I guess sometimes it pays off having a crazy dude on your team because he is gaining ground on Spike. But it turns out Andrew is crazy like a fox. He has a secret weapon for tackling the artichokes: a peeler.

Quick question, does everyone else see the little blue toy soldier in the bottom left corner? Um, what’s that all about? First Padma with the Army surplus jacket and now this? Is the military a subliminal sponsor this week?

OK, back to the race. Spike breaks the stem off his second artichoke and has to start anew. That, coupled with Andrew’s peeler smarts, evaporates the lead Lisa had built up. They finish neck and neck.

Losing my religion – Now it’s time for Dale and Richard to get busy with the monkfish. They hack into the prehistoric-looking creature. Seriously, nightmares.

Now, I have to question the wisdom of Team Fork putting Richard on fish duty. Does no one else remember the scales incident?

Dale flies through his fish. But Lisa says his filets are pretty gnarly looking. Still, how can you expect pretty filets out of a fish that ugly? They finish within seconds of one another, which means it’s all down to the condiments.

What, no Miracle Whip? – Nikki and Stephanie start making their mayo. It takes egg yolks, Dijon mustard, lemon, oil and really strong forearms.

Both women say they feel like their arms are going to fall off. Their respective teammates are urging them on. But it seems like the whisking will never end. And then Stephanie fills her quart measuring cup. Her teammates respond by nearly smothering her to death with a hug.

Over on Team Spoon, however, Dale is not feeling the love. He punches a locker and screams “F—!” Bad sport, much?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Antonia: This is the first time four women have made it this far all at once. … It’s an even playing field going into eight people.

That’s right, four women and four men remain. Lord, that’s still a lot of chefs. Is it just me or has this season already been going for like three years? No, just me? Fine.

G.I. Padma – Greeting the cheftestants as they enter the Top Chef Kitchen are Padma and head judge Tom Colicchio. Quelle surprise. Tom’s presence signals that something strange is afoot. Perhaps it’s that Padma has enlisted in the Army. Be all that you can be, girl.

Padma tells them they are upping the ante. From this point on the winner of the Quickfire will no longer receive immunity. But they will get a “useful advantage,” whatever that means. Today, Padma and Tom are bringing back two of the show’s all-time favorite challenges. For the first one, the chefs divide into two teams by drawing knives marked “fork” or “spoon.”

The teams shake out as such: Fork – Richard, Stephanie, Antonia, Andrew; Spoon – Lisa, Dale, Nikki, Spike. Gee, talk about your luck of the draw. Well, for the Forks anyway.

Dale: We don’t have the strongest cooks, but capable cooks.

Capable cooks? Now that’s what I call team spirit!

The culinary Olympics – The Quickfire will have the two teams squaring off in Tom’s favorite challenge, the mis en place relay race. The chefs will go head-to-head to finish four consecutive tasks. First, they must peel and supreme five oranges. Second, they must clean and turn two artichokes, leaving the stems on. Third, they must clean and make two filets from an ugly-ass monkfish. Fourth and finally, they must make one quart of mayonnaise.

I really cannot overemphasize the ugliness of the monkfish. It might even give me nightmares.

They teams split up each task. The Forks give Antonia oranges, Andrew artichokes, Richard monkfish and Stephanie mayo. The Spoons have a bit more trouble dividing their tasks. Seems nobody likes mayo. Nikki hasn’t made it by hand since culinary school and wants a refresher. But Dale is in no mood to mentor.

Dale: It’s so asinine for me to hear these things come out of people’s mouths. “I haven’t made a mayonnaise by hand in years.” Like they’re scared of it. Why are you still here?

Go, team, go!

The Spoons finally decide to give Lisa the oranges, Spike the artichokes, Dale the monkfish and Nikki, reluctantly, the mayo.

On your marks, get set – And then they’re off. Lisa and Antonia get slicing. Lisa’s hands are shaking, and she worries she might slit an artery. The potential for catastrophic blood loss aside, Lisa is racing through her supremes and is a good two oranges ahead of Antonia. Behold the power of the wrist cuff.

Lisa: I smoked her ass on those oranges and got us a killer head start.

With that, Spike starts his artichokes. He brags about having two turned in a matter of seconds. But then Andrew gets to start. He tears at them with his bare hands. His bare hands! OK, I’ve made artichokes many times before and then whined for days afterward about stabbing myself with those horrid little thorns at the end of each leaf.

I guess sometimes it pays off having a crazy dude on your team because he is gaining ground on Spike. But it turns out Andrew is crazy like a fox. He has a secret weapon for tackling the artichokes: a peeler.

Quick question, does everyone else see the little blue toy soldier in the bottom left corner? Um, what’s that all about? First Padma with the Army surplus jacket and now this? Is the military a subliminal sponsor this week?

OK, back to the race. Spike breaks the stem off his second artichoke and has to start anew. That, coupled with Andrew’s peeler smarts, evaporates the lead Lisa had built up. They finish neck and neck.

Losing my religion – Now it’s time for Dale and Richard to get busy with the monkfish. They hack into the prehistoric-looking creature. Seriously, nightmares.

Now, I have to question the wisdom of Team Fork putting Richard on fish duty. Does no one else remember the scales incident?

Dale flies through his fish. But Lisa says his filets are pretty gnarly looking. Still, how can you expect pretty filets out of a fish that ugly? They finish within seconds of one another, which means it’s all down to the condiments.

What, no Miracle Whip? – Nikki and Stephanie start making their mayo. It takes egg yolks, Dijon mustard, lemon, oil and really strong forearms.

Both women say they feel like their arms are going to fall off. Their respective teammates are urging them on. But it seems like the whisking will never end. And then Stephanie fills her quart measuring cup. Her teammates respond by nearly smothering her to death with a hug.

Over on Team Spoon, however, Dale is not feeling the love. He punches a locker and screams “F—!” Bad sport, much?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Andrew: I liked Mark a lot. It’s going to be a little less entertaining, shall we say.

They turn to each other and, if the nightstand is any indication, booze for comfort. Then Spike asks Andrew if he is ready to move in together, replacing his dearly departed former roomie. Gosh, fellas, all those late nights consoling each other while the booze flows? Hey, no judgment. What happens in Top Chef stays in Top Chef.

Xena Warrior Chefbian – While the boys blubber over Mark, the women gird themselves for the fight ahead. Sole remaining chefbian Lisa dons standard-issue lesbian battle attire: Bandanna. Wrist cuff. Badass attitude. Seriously, the only thing missing is a chakram.

Antonia: This is the first time four women have made it this far all at once. … It’s an even playing field going into eight people.

That’s right, four women and four men remain. Lord, that’s still a lot of chefs. Is it just me or has this season already been going for like three years? No, just me? Fine.

G.I. Padma – Greeting the cheftestants as they enter the Top Chef Kitchen are Padma and head judge Tom Colicchio. Quelle surprise. Tom’s presence signals that something strange is afoot. Perhaps it’s that Padma has enlisted in the Army. Be all that you can be, girl.

Padma tells them they are upping the ante. From this point on the winner of the Quickfire will no longer receive immunity. But they will get a “useful advantage,” whatever that means. Today, Padma and Tom are bringing back two of the show’s all-time favorite challenges. For the first one, the chefs divide into two teams by drawing knives marked “fork” or “spoon.”

The teams shake out as such: Fork – Richard, Stephanie, Antonia, Andrew; Spoon – Lisa, Dale, Nikki, Spike. Gee, talk about your luck of the draw. Well, for the Forks anyway.

Dale: We don’t have the strongest cooks, but capable cooks.

Capable cooks? Now that’s what I call team spirit!

The culinary Olympics – The Quickfire will have the two teams squaring off in Tom’s favorite challenge, the mis en place relay race. The chefs will go head-to-head to finish four consecutive tasks. First, they must peel and supreme five oranges. Second, they must clean and turn two artichokes, leaving the stems on. Third, they must clean and make two filets from an ugly-ass monkfish. Fourth and finally, they must make one quart of mayonnaise.

I really cannot overemphasize the ugliness of the monkfish. It might even give me nightmares.

They teams split up each task. The Forks give Antonia oranges, Andrew artichokes, Richard monkfish and Stephanie mayo. The Spoons have a bit more trouble dividing their tasks. Seems nobody likes mayo. Nikki hasn’t made it by hand since culinary school and wants a refresher. But Dale is in no mood to mentor.

Dale: It’s so asinine for me to hear these things come out of people’s mouths. “I haven’t made a mayonnaise by hand in years.” Like they’re scared of it. Why are you still here?

Go, team, go!

The Spoons finally decide to give Lisa the oranges, Spike the artichokes, Dale the monkfish and Nikki, reluctantly, the mayo.

On your marks, get set – And then they’re off. Lisa and Antonia get slicing. Lisa’s hands are shaking, and she worries she might slit an artery. The potential for catastrophic blood loss aside, Lisa is racing through her supremes and is a good two oranges ahead of Antonia. Behold the power of the wrist cuff.

Lisa: I smoked her ass on those oranges and got us a killer head start.

With that, Spike starts his artichokes. He brags about having two turned in a matter of seconds. But then Andrew gets to start. He tears at them with his bare hands. His bare hands! OK, I’ve made artichokes many times before and then whined for days afterward about stabbing myself with those horrid little thorns at the end of each leaf.

I guess sometimes it pays off having a crazy dude on your team because he is gaining ground on Spike. But it turns out Andrew is crazy like a fox. He has a secret weapon for tackling the artichokes: a peeler.

Quick question, does everyone else see the little blue toy soldier in the bottom left corner? Um, what’s that all about? First Padma with the Army surplus jacket and now this? Is the military a subliminal sponsor this week?

OK, back to the race. Spike breaks the stem off his second artichoke and has to start anew. That, coupled with Andrew’s peeler smarts, evaporates the lead Lisa had built up. They finish neck and neck.

Losing my religion – Now it’s time for Dale and Richard to get busy with the monkfish. They hack into the prehistoric-looking creature. Seriously, nightmares.

Now, I have to question the wisdom of Team Fork putting Richard on fish duty. Does no one else remember the scales incident?

Dale flies through his fish. But Lisa says his filets are pretty gnarly looking. Still, how can you expect pretty filets out of a fish that ugly? They finish within seconds of one another, which means it’s all down to the condiments.

What, no Miracle Whip? – Nikki and Stephanie start making their mayo. It takes egg yolks, Dijon mustard, lemon, oil and really strong forearms.

Both women say they feel like their arms are going to fall off. Their respective teammates are urging them on. But it seems like the whisking will never end. And then Stephanie fills her quart measuring cup. Her teammates respond by nearly smothering her to death with a hug.

Over on Team Spoon, however, Dale is not feeling the love. He punches a locker and screams “F—!” Bad sport, much?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

Quickfire: Pass the baton knife. Elimination: Love is blind sleepy. Padmaism: “The pasta is a little too sweet.”

Cry me a river – It’s the morning after the night before, and Andrew and Spike are inconsolable about the loss of Mark.

Andrew: I liked Mark a lot. It’s going to be a little less entertaining, shall we say.

They turn to each other and, if the nightstand is any indication, booze for comfort. Then Spike asks Andrew if he is ready to move in together, replacing his dearly departed former roomie. Gosh, fellas, all those late nights consoling each other while the booze flows? Hey, no judgment. What happens in Top Chef stays in Top Chef.

Xena Warrior Chefbian – While the boys blubber over Mark, the women gird themselves for the fight ahead. Sole remaining chefbian Lisa dons standard-issue lesbian battle attire: Bandanna. Wrist cuff. Badass attitude. Seriously, the only thing missing is a chakram.

Antonia: This is the first time four women have made it this far all at once. … It’s an even playing field going into eight people.

That’s right, four women and four men remain. Lord, that’s still a lot of chefs. Is it just me or has this season already been going for like three years? No, just me? Fine.

G.I. Padma – Greeting the cheftestants as they enter the Top Chef Kitchen are Padma and head judge Tom Colicchio. Quelle surprise. Tom’s presence signals that something strange is afoot. Perhaps it’s that Padma has enlisted in the Army. Be all that you can be, girl.

Padma tells them they are upping the ante. From this point on the winner of the Quickfire will no longer receive immunity. But they will get a “useful advantage,” whatever that means. Today, Padma and Tom are bringing back two of the show’s all-time favorite challenges. For the first one, the chefs divide into two teams by drawing knives marked “fork” or “spoon.”

The teams shake out as such: Fork – Richard, Stephanie, Antonia, Andrew; Spoon – Lisa, Dale, Nikki, Spike. Gee, talk about your luck of the draw. Well, for the Forks anyway.

Dale: We don’t have the strongest cooks, but capable cooks.

Capable cooks? Now that’s what I call team spirit!

The culinary Olympics – The Quickfire will have the two teams squaring off in Tom’s favorite challenge, the mis en place relay race. The chefs will go head-to-head to finish four consecutive tasks. First, they must peel and supreme five oranges. Second, they must clean and turn two artichokes, leaving the stems on. Third, they must clean and make two filets from an ugly-ass monkfish. Fourth and finally, they must make one quart of mayonnaise.

I really cannot overemphasize the ugliness of the monkfish. It might even give me nightmares.

They teams split up each task. The Forks give Antonia oranges, Andrew artichokes, Richard monkfish and Stephanie mayo. The Spoons have a bit more trouble dividing their tasks. Seems nobody likes mayo. Nikki hasn’t made it by hand since culinary school and wants a refresher. But Dale is in no mood to mentor.

Dale: It’s so asinine for me to hear these things come out of people’s mouths. “I haven’t made a mayonnaise by hand in years.” Like they’re scared of it. Why are you still here?

Go, team, go!

The Spoons finally decide to give Lisa the oranges, Spike the artichokes, Dale the monkfish and Nikki, reluctantly, the mayo.

On your marks, get set – And then they’re off. Lisa and Antonia get slicing. Lisa’s hands are shaking, and she worries she might slit an artery. The potential for catastrophic blood loss aside, Lisa is racing through her supremes and is a good two oranges ahead of Antonia. Behold the power of the wrist cuff.

Lisa: I smoked her ass on those oranges and got us a killer head start.

With that, Spike starts his artichokes. He brags about having two turned in a matter of seconds. But then Andrew gets to start. He tears at them with his bare hands. His bare hands! OK, I’ve made artichokes many times before and then whined for days afterward about stabbing myself with those horrid little thorns at the end of each leaf.

I guess sometimes it pays off having a crazy dude on your team because he is gaining ground on Spike. But it turns out Andrew is crazy like a fox. He has a secret weapon for tackling the artichokes: a peeler.

Quick question, does everyone else see the little blue toy soldier in the bottom left corner? Um, what’s that all about? First Padma with the Army surplus jacket and now this? Is the military a subliminal sponsor this week?

OK, back to the race. Spike breaks the stem off his second artichoke and has to start anew. That, coupled with Andrew’s peeler smarts, evaporates the lead Lisa had built up. They finish neck and neck.

Losing my religion – Now it’s time for Dale and Richard to get busy with the monkfish. They hack into the prehistoric-looking creature. Seriously, nightmares.

Now, I have to question the wisdom of Team Fork putting Richard on fish duty. Does no one else remember the scales incident?

Dale flies through his fish. But Lisa says his filets are pretty gnarly looking. Still, how can you expect pretty filets out of a fish that ugly? They finish within seconds of one another, which means it’s all down to the condiments.

What, no Miracle Whip? – Nikki and Stephanie start making their mayo. It takes egg yolks, Dijon mustard, lemon, oil and really strong forearms.

Both women say they feel like their arms are going to fall off. Their respective teammates are urging them on. But it seems like the whisking will never end. And then Stephanie fills her quart measuring cup. Her teammates respond by nearly smothering her to death with a hug.

Over on Team Spoon, however, Dale is not feeling the love. He punches a locker and screams “F—!” Bad sport, much?

Antonia: Dale decided to have a temper tantrum and he punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed.

Awesome. Actually, the whole relay was awesome. Please, Padma, I want some more.

Love is war – While the Quickfire Challenge was a sprint, the Elimination Challenge is a marathon. Padma asks if they’ve all heard of Restaurant Wars, the Top Chef staple where teams compete to open their own restaurant from scratch. She tells them that this year there won’t be Restaurant Wars.

All the chefs are bummed by the news, since most of them have aspirations of opening their own eatery one day. But before they all have a Dale-style tantrum, two mystery guests walk into the kitchen.

Who is this couple? They’re Cory and J.P., and they just happen to be getting married tomorrow.

That’s right, chefs, it’s Wedding Wars time. Their challenge is to cater the couple’s wedding. One team will make food for Cory and her 125 guests, the other for JP and his 125 guests.

The chefs go from being bummed to being scared. Many of them have no catering experience. Making matters worse is the fact that the couple runs their own restaurant and wedding venue. So, you know, no pressure.

Going to the chapel – As the Quickfire winners, Team Fork gets to choose which side they’d rather cook for: bride or groom? They pick Cory because it’s “the bride’s day.” It’s a bold move if you believe all the stereotypes and that awful show Bridezillas.

Spike: I’m like, what are you guys completely moronic or you’ve got, like, balls to the wall? … She is going to want this moment to be exactly the way she envisioned it since she was 14 years old. The food, the décor, the f—ing wedding cake.

Um, should a guy who wears this into the kitchen be calling anyone moronic?

The teams will get to consult with their respective parties, then have 45 minutes to plan, an hour to shop (with a $5,000 budget) and all night to cook.

Andrew: I have a culinary boner right now knowing I am going to be working all night. … I am an animal and I will work 14 hours nonstop without any problems.

Must get mental image out of my head. Must.

The groups meet with their sides. The groom wants Italian food. The bride wants meat and potatoes. Nikki, who is Italian, bonds with the groom over their similar palates. Meanwhile, Atlanta boy Richard bonds with the bride, whose family is also from Georgia.

Let them eat cake – And then there are the wedding cakes. The groom likes German chocolate and hazelnut. The bride likes, well, let her explain it.

Cory: Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love cake.

So, again, no pressure.

Stephanie: A wedding cake is no joke. People spend like two days making wedding cakes and spend like $5,000 on them because they’re a big old pain in the ass.

Hey, maybe you guys could bring in that Ace of Cakes guys. Just give him a blond faux-hawk wig and pass him off as Richard.

There’s no “I” in team – The teams huddle again, this time to plan out their menus. Team Fork/Bride seems to be clicking with its menu of hearty fare. And then Andrew asks, “What about a chicken nugget?”

From their reactions, Andrew may need some culinary Viagra to make it through this challenge.

Team Spoon/Groom decides to defer to Nikki since she and J.P. share the same tastes and, well, she’s Italian.

Lisa: I’m basically like I am your bitch, tell me what to do and let’s make this awesome.

Hmm, should they discuss a culinary safe word, too?

But the planning isn’t going so smoothly. Nikki says she never wants to be on Dale’s team because he is the first one to start pointing fingers. Dale proceeds to point fingers, saying that no one likes each other on the team and his colleagues aren’t strong cooks. They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how about you?

Clean-up, aisle 7 – They pair off to buy food at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. The former is a huge warehouse where your groceries go on a flatbed, not a cart. Meanwhile, at the latter, Richard and Andrew have been tasked with buying flowers.

Richard: I watch a little Martha Stewart. I wear pink shoes.

And all along we thought Ryan was the metrosexual. But then Richard picks the sunflowers. The women kibosh them immediately.

Stephanie: Boys just don’t know how to pick out flowers.

They also don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. Thank God for lesbians.

The real Iron Chefs – Day becomes night, and at 9 p.m. the cheftestants arrive at the prison kitchen to begin 14 hours of uninterrupted cooking.

Team Groom’s menu:

  • Appetizers – flatbreads and bruschetta
  • Buffet – tortellini, mixed vegetables and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass and orecchiette with ragu
  • Dessert – chocolate hazelnut cake

Nikki is making the pasta, Spike is grilling veggies, Dale is handling the proteins, and Lisa is working cake duty.

Team Bride’s menu:

  • Appetizers – pizza, pulled-pork sandwich and short rib—blue cheese phyllo wrap
  • Buffet – crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach and potato gratin
  • Dessert – chocolate and cream cheese lemon filled layer cake

Antonia is handling the appetizers, Stephanie the cake, Andrew the chicken and sides, and Richard the rest of the meats.

Take me to your leader – Team Groom is having some leadership issues. They all quiz Nikki on how she cooks everything. And she would rather they leave her and her ridiculously big box of cling wrap alone. Product placement, cha-ching.

Nikki: Like I am down with not making all the decisions.

Dale sees this crisis of leadership and decides to do everything himself.

Dale: I feel like I’m picking up all the slack. All the bulls— that people didn’t want to do.

Not that he’s bitter about it or anything.

All for one and one for all – At 2 a.m., nerves are starting to fray. Andrew doesn’t want to hear Richard’s ideas. He just wants to cook.

Lisa just wants to watch Dale cook. She worries that he is doing a “half-ass job” and thinks his filets are burnt.

Lisa: If you do 125 things in 14 hours and only 25 of them are actually good, what’s the point of doing the rest?

Teammate Spike looks at the situation and decides to find the “I” in team. He pulls a dish for himself that he can cook and have as an ace in his pocket. He picks the sea bass. Along the way I think he might have also picked up one of Lisa’s bandannas.

Team Groom should be renamed Everyone-for-Him/Herself Groom, as the quartet dissolves as the night progresses. Nikki decides the best way not to get blamed is to not take responsibility.

Zzzzzzzz … – It’s 5:30 a.m. and the chefs are dragging. Everyone deals with the sleep deprivation differently. Some guzzle energy drinks. Motor-mouth Andrew stops talking. And Antonia has apparently held this facial expression for the last seven hours.

I feel their pain. I’m only about halfway through the recap for this super-sized episode (an extra 15 minutes, are they trying to kill me?), and I’ve already downed two Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. Hey, I never said I was a gourmet.

No rest for the wicked – Night becomes day, and a rested and unusually chipper Tom strolls into the kitchen to inspect the troops. They groggily tell him what they’re making. He tells them not to dumb down their food.

He leaves them with three hours left to cook, but not before taking a parting shot at Lisa’s blocky groom’s cake.

Tom: She said the groom wanted his cake to be very simple. Well, I hope he said “ugly” because that’s kind of what we have. It almost looks like a battleship of some sort.

The 14 hours tick down to seconds, and then the all-day-into-night-back-into-day nightmare is over. OK, it’s not exactly over. They still have two hours to finish once they get to the site, and then they must stay awake through the all-night service.

Damn, Top Chef, that’s just cruel.

Nice day for a white wedding – The wedding party is assembled. In the prep kitchen, the chefs put the finishing touches on their offerings. Padma enters with the day’s judges. Tom, Gail Simmons and guest judge Gale Gand, the owner/pastry chef of Chicago’s Tru restaurant.

Um, Padma, don’t you know it’s bad form to outshine the bride on her special day? Though, I guess she could wear a potato sack and still be hotter than 99.9 percent of the human population.

With the rings exchanged and bride kissed, it’s time to eat. Service starts with the appetizers. Team Bride’s hors d’oeuvres get lots of yummy noises. Team Groom is having some bread issues. The crostini for the bruschetta is thick, dry and teeth-breakingly crunchy. And who made the crostini? Dale.

Come and get it – The dinner buffet service starts, and each team member has his/her role. On Team Bride, Richard is serving meats, Antonia sides. Stephanie is running to and from the kitchen, and Andrew is in the kitchen cooking.

Antonia: Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously.

Even on zero sleep, Antonia has her priorities right.

On Team Groom, Dale is the one in the kitchen making all the hot food. And, as you might have guessed, he’s not quiet about “having no support,” either.

The judges like everything on the Team Bride plate except Andrew’s chicken and creamed spinach.

Here comes the groom – J.P. comes to check out his spread. He loads up his plate on the grilled veggies. Nikki tells him he doesn’t have to take so much. Wow, trying to get people to eat less of your food? That’s not a good sign.

The judges should have heeded Nikki’s warning to eat less. They call the tortellini too sweet and the veggies unattractive.

Then it’s time to cut the cake. They worry that Stephanie’s five-layer bride’s cake might fall over, but it withstands slicing, to everyone’s great relief.

While toppling isn’t a concern for Lisa’s square groom’s cake, she is no less worried. But it passes the taste test, much to her great relief.

Sleep to dream – Back in the Stew Room, the cheftestants are going on over 36 hours without sleep. There is less chatter, more yawning as they await the judges’ decision.

At Judges’ Table, guest judge Gale is sympathetic to what the chefs went through in their all-night wedding marathon. The rest of the judges are also impressed by the team formerly known as Fork’s decision to pick the bride.

Back in the waiting area, Spike tips his hat to Stephanie and Lisa.

Spike: I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes. Honestly. I definitely wouldn’t have had a clue on how to make that work.

Fine, I’ll admit that perpetual asshat Spike is being a little less ass, a lot more hat tip today.

Here comes the bride – Team Bride gets summoned first. Tom wasn’t wild about Andrew’s repeat performance breaded chicken. And Padma thought there was a funny taste in the creamed spinach. Turns out that funny taste was Richard’s idea to add star anise.

But those two quibbles aside, Team Bride was the judges’ favorite. Pastry chef Gale praises Stephanie’s wedding cake. Tom loved Antonia’s pizza. Padma thought Richard’s brisket was fantastic. I think Padma’s, um, brisket region is looking mighty fantastic, too.

Guest judge Gale gets to pick the winner, and she picks – man this is getting automatic – Richard. But then he says he wants to name Stephanie the winner. So she gets the $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. And then she says she wants to share it with Richard. It’s a lovefest between the two honorary chefbians. Kumbaya, anyone?

Cold feet – Now it’s Team Groom’s turn to face the judgey music as the losing team. The judges ask who did what. They then ask who was in charge.

Nikki: In no way am I playing executive chef in this.

Does this seem like a winning strategy to anyone?

So, what did they like? Lisa’s cake. What did they dislike? Just about everything else.

The tortellini was too dry and sweet. The vegetables didn’t taste good. The meat was overcooked. They ask who made the crostini and Dale cops to it, saying, “That’s another thing that I did.” And then, things get really good.

Spike: Get it all out, man, come on. Dale: Dude, I hustled. I straight up hustled … Look at the prep lists. Tom: You’re saying this as if somebody else just dragged their feet. Is that what you’re getting at? Spike: Dale, come on dude, please. Who wasn’t doing s—? … Point some fingers if that’s what you’re doing. Dale: Were they going to get done if I didn’t get them done?

Each insists they had a bigger prep load and pushed the hardest. Geez, boys, just get out the ruler already. And then.

Spike: Dale, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously.

That was – wait, let me find the right word – awesome. I swear, I could watch that scene over and over and over and over. All I need is some popcorn and the rewind button.

Left at the altar – The unhappy foursome is sent back to stew some more as the judges make up their minds. Aside from Lisa, everyone is on the chopping block. Dale took on too much, Spike took on too little, and Nikki should have taken charge.

In the waiting room, Nikki chastises Dale for being “that guy” who points fingers. He totally is “that guy.”

But who had to pack his/her knives and go? Nikki.

Ah, Nikki. She of the mushroom turds and dry mac ‘n’ cheese. While I think she probably should have left episodes ago, there was plenty of blame to go around on Team Groom. I think the ego war between Dale and Spike was like a double technical in basketball. No one really got punished. Instead, after Nikki gets the boot, the two men hug it out.

Next time on Top Chef: A “tall, dark and handsome” cook comes to guest judge. Lisa cries sabotage. Wait, who called the cops?

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