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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.3 “In the Mud”

Jackie pries a little deeper, and Erika admits she’s not happy being single. Jackie asks earnestly, “Why is it that you’re single so much?” and Erika begins to cry. Jackie’s way with the ladies comes and goes.

Jackie: You’re really beautiful. And you’re really beautiful inside. You really are a good person. And you’re fun and you have so much to offer. And that’s the question. How can we make who we see match with who you feel you are?

Erika nods silently from behind the denim jacket she’s using as a hanky. I think that’s Jackie’s jacket she’s using to wipe her nose. Awesome. Erika, you rock so hard. Please don’t be sad.

Now in her mid-30s, Erika looks around and sees that her friends are all married with kids. She wants that for herself someday, but how? Yoda tells her the universe will take care of her.

Jackie: It’s energy in, energy out. And you put out that energy that you’re OK. When you start getting OK, really, inside, that’s the energy you’ll portray. I want to see you happy. You deserve it.

Jackie puts her arms around Erika and gives her a warm hug, the first one in months that didn’t involve any inappropriate hip grinding.

Ready to go homo – The Olivia cruise is finally over, and not a moment too soon. Rebecca tries to help Renessa pack, but since she’s not into handling mildewy swimsuits, there’s nothing she can do except try on Renessa’s earrings and dissect the previous week’s shenanigans.

Rebecca: Do you think Jackie’s girlfriend would be upset by any of her behavior last night? Renessa: Ya know what? I think that she would be upset with any of it because I can see that whole, like, don’t-talk-to-my-woman kind of a thing. And I also think that she’s a very jealous girl, in the first place. I get that vibe. So anyone looking at her wrong, or Jackie doing one little thing – even if it’s human nature, [or] be flirty – I think, yeah. She would have been bothered by the littlest thing. Don’t you? Rebecca: Yeah …

Rebecca sounds as bored as I feel. Weary of clinging to Jackie and clamoring for uninterrupted eye contact, Rebecca’s had enough lesbian drama for a while and lowers her freak flag to half-mast.

Renessa: As busy as it is, I miss my life. Rebecca: I miss the penis.

Because in the end, that’s how she rolls.

Even though we never did find out what happened in Renessa’s Jackie dream, everyone returns home tanner, fatter and with just a little less dignity. The perfect vacation.

Next week on Work Out: Plitt gives Erika dating advice. Deenie tells Gregg to pick up his damn phone when she calls him. Brian comes this close to getting fired. Again.

‘Cause baby, something beautiful’s dying – Last week, the slightly bitter stew between Jackie and Rebecca came to a boil when Jackie jumped in, mid-sit-up, and took over Rebecca’s Olivia Cruise boot camp. Accusations were hurled, motives were questioned, smack was talked. After several minutes of lively debate, Jackie finally pulled rank and told Rebecca to get over herself. Snap.

Being demoted from Jackie’s Special Plaything to ordinary staff member isn’t sitting well with Sky Sport’s resident cuddle monkey.

Rebecca: When two people are as close as we were, and then to have the relationship just sort of fizzle – it feels like a death, almost. Something has shifted in our relationship, and it is clear to me now that Jackie is going to be different towards me. By “different,” I mean “not friendly.”

Jackie: Rebecca and I had a very playful – I thought kind of innocent – relationship. I met someone. I fell in love. And I tried to maintain a relationship, a friendship, with her. But she’s spinning out a little bit. I’ve not changed. The circumstances changed between us. And now she’s taking everything that I say to her very personally.

Their work relationship has changed forever. And there’s yet another reason why you should never have an affair with someone you work with. Lawsuits, charges of favoritism, knowing what a co-worker’s orgasm face looks like – it’s all so wrong.

Peelerbuilt – Back on dry land, Brian is keeping the home thighs burning with a SkyLab cardio class. Only Shannon, Natalie and Tyra bothered to show up. Where is everybody?

Let’s see. Lazy Paisley is in the parking lot at Ralph’s, watching a stock boy carry bags of groceries to her car. Former linebacker Damon is somewhere having a beer with his buddies, bragging about being a weightlifter because he joined a gym four days ago.

With the least amount of weight to lose, Micah and Victoria are together at Outback Steakhouse, sharing a Bloomin’ Onion and feeling oh so smug. And Deenie is at the mall, pacing back and forth in front of the Gap, muttering, “Someday. Someday, mutha-f—ers …”

Because of the smaller class size, Brian is able to give his own client, Shannon, and the other ‘Labbers plenty of personalized, uninterrupted, intense attention. Does it get any better-slash-worse? He orders them onto the treadmills.

Brian: I want you to take the incline up to 15. Tyra: Huh?! What? Shannon: Welcome to my world. Tyra: I never even knew they had a 15 on a treadmill.

Next, Brian has the ladies out on the terrace for more cardio, some light hand-weight work and core strengthening. Afterward, everyone’s exhausted and happy (to be alive). Even though she’s new to gym equipment and Peeler’s slamming workout regimen, Tyra grunts, “Yes, yes, yes!” as she tries to hold the plank position to the end of a countdown. Tyra models through it just swell.

Having tasted the flavors of both Brian and Jackie’s hard body recipes, Shannon decides: “It’s probably a draw. Two totally different types of workouts. Actually, Jackie only made me throw up once. Peeler made me throw up four times.”

Client testimonials: the cornerstone of Sky Sport’s marketing campaign.

Eat our fairy dust – The next day, at the ass crack of dawn, Brian picks up Jesse, Gregg, J.D. and Plitt, and they all shoot down to the Mud Run at Camp Pendleton. While the girls autograph breasts aboard a cruise ship, the boys will play in the mud and, according to Brian, “freeze our testicles off.” A straight man’s idea of a good time is different than yours and mine.

Given a choice between the two, I don’t know what I’d do. The Olivia Cruise and the Mud Run both sound like sweaty, dirty fun. Hmm. Running would knock the ice out of my drink, so I may have to go with the cruise.

Brian puts a jinx on his day by announcing: “I’m probably going to finish in first. I’m probably going break all the records.” Oh, Brian. Hope you brought some beer to wash down those words.

Gregg is more realistic about his prospects when he admits he doesn’t do cardio. “The last time I ran 6.2 miles was never,” he says unapologetically.

It doesn’t matter if you have shoulders like two frozen roast beefs. This one’s about endurance. Six miles? My girlfriend could kick all your fuzzy asses. But good luck, boys.

The guys stick together until Brian gets a leg cramp and slows to a walk – in the very first mile. Turns out he did break a record, sort of. Jesse and J.D. decide to go for it and scamper over hill and dale like two gay billy goats. Jesse says, “The theme of the day, I think, was Eat our Fairy Dust.”

Former Army Ranger Greg Plitt hangs back with Slow-Pokie as Jesse and J.D. disappear out of sight. Gregg is somewhere in the muddy middle with a newfound respect for all the clients he’s tortured on the treadmill.

Teams of girls and old men start passing Brian and Plitt. Finally, Brian gives the losing battle cry, “Leave me, man – save yourself,” and Plitt takes off like a shot to catch up to the others.

J.D. and Jesse cross the finish line in just under an hour – a very respectable time. Never underestimate gay fortitude, a strength forged through years of enduring discrimination and Celine Dion.

Orange you glad you weren’t there? – Meanwhile, aboard the S.S. Drama Queen, Rebecca and Renessa get conned into participating in some pool games, hosted by the awesome Vickie Shaw, which include some of the ship’s more adventurous passengers. Erika, in her Elvira swimsuit, and Agostina watch from the sidelines with the giddy joy of knowing they don’t have to play.

The first game is Pass the Orange. The object of this mortifying activity is to place a hapless orange under your chin and, without using your hands, pass it to your teammate’s neck. As soon as Vicki shouts “Go!” Renessa is willingly sexually assaulted by a complete stranger.

Rebecca wonders how she got roped into these reindeer games and says, “They don’t pay me enough for this.” Oh honey, that train left the station three years ago.

Flanked by two other contestants, Rebecca waits for the orange to make its way to her. Whatever went wrong with Rebecca’s turn went wrong quickly. The last time these nice ladies rubbed against someone as lithe and young as Rebecca, a gallon of milk cost a dollar.

I have to go to my Happy Place now.

While my corneas try to recover, everyone prepares for the next game, Lesbian Balloon Popping. Or as I like to call it, Acceptable Public Humping.

Holding her egg-like balloon gingerly off the ground between her legs, Rebecca waddles toward her waiting mate in this edited scene from March of the Penguins, released by Wolfe Video.

Rebecca finally gets to the end of the pool, where she and an enthusiastic woman try in vain to pop the balloon. Or make a baby. It’s all very confusing.

Rebecca: I looked like a little stick on top of this big woman. And she’s trying to pop it. And she’s, like, thrusting me, and it was slipping … I was having an out-of-body experience, to be honest with you.

Like that’s never happened to you before.

Jackie arrives just in time to witness the end of the festivities.

Jackie: What do they get? What’s the prize? Erika: Rebecca. Jackie: OK. Good.

Oh, hot, funny Erika. How in the world are you single?

Nice job – Back at Camp P, the guys are still waiting for their illustrious leader. Three days later, Peeler appears as a dot on the horizon. The others rush forward to join him and link arms as a team. They all finally cross the finish line together, right behind a group of toddlers, a team of peg-legged pirates and one old elephant on its way to the graveyard.

Jesse reports afterwards, “There was a group of older lesbians that totally passed us up, which is so symbolic on so many levels.”

The lesson here? Whether on land or at sea, older lesbians kick ass.

You earned it – While Vickie Shaw retreats to her cabin to lie down and weep, the Work Out cast visits the ship’s spa to get their pamper on.

Wrapped in sumptuous terry cloth, the girls lounge side by side while an attendant places cuke slices on their eyes. Rebecca’s ADD can’t tolerate even one moment of calm, so she gets the ball rolling by asking Renessa, “Do you want to share about your dream?” And we’re off.

Renessa giggles uncontrollably. Erika, with her seen-it-all cucumber eyes, immediately guesses correctly that the dream was about a girl.

Renessa turns and smiles a big goofball smile at Jackie.

Renessa: My dream was about you. I’m sorry.

No, I’m sorry.

Jackie: Me? Renessa: I’m sorry. I don’t know. I’m so sorry. Jackie: OK. Now you have to tell me what your dream was about. What was I doing? Renessa: Now I have to build up the courage to tell you! Jackie: Well, you know what? Drinking tonight, you know you’re going to tell me what it was. I will get it out of you.

Jackie basks in the smugly warm knowledge that women are dreaming about her.

Rebecca is bemused and, surprisingly, not threatened. She admits she fell for the Warner charisma – why wouldn’t another girl come under Jackie’s commanding thrall? Nothing draws in the straight chicks like masculine energy, a knack for self-promoting hyperbole, and a dismissive attitude.

Advice from the guys – Back at the end of the Mud Run, there’s a group shower scene the readers at AfterElton.com might be interested in.

If you think that’s disturbing, there’s a side view of Peeler I’m not even going to show you. Suffice it to say, he might be wearing a ring, and it ain’t on his finger.

After the guys have rinsed the caked mud out of their ass cracks, they sit at a picnic table and agree the bonding experience was better than drum beating in a sweat lodge. Opening up to his buds, Brian tells them Jackie hurt his feelings when she slammed the door in his face before the meeting to plan the Doug Blasdell fundraiser.

He earnestly wants to know why Jackie seems to hate him so much.

Jesse: I’ll be honest, Peeler. I’ll be really, really honest, if you really don’t know. Jackie feels you use Doug’s death as a platform for yourself. Brian: Why? Jesse: Being there, watching it? It was over and over and over and over and over again. I think that’s where the lack of respect comes from.

Five overs is harsh, even for Brian. And while Jesse’s theory (which sounds more like his than Jackie’s) may be true, the I Hate Brian Peeler Club, with its president, Jackie Warner, was formed long before Doug died.

Whatever the source of the tension, the show is not called Work Out Starring Brian Peeler, and the other guys know who signs their paychecks. Gregg reminds Brian, “If you are subordinate to somebody, you got to play their game.”

Brian comes to the sad realization that without dewy, inviting cleavage, Jackie is never going to like him.

Jesse: Jackie doesn’t care if she has a good personal relationship with you at all. So your job … she hires you as a trainer in her gym. Your job is to show up and train. Don’t worry if she likes you or not.

When did Brian become a teenage girl? Maybe if he was a teenage girl, she’d give him the time of day.

Red sky at night. Not. – According to the ancient sailor’s adage, a red sky at night predicts there are no storms ahead. M’kay. As the sun sinks slowly into a grey horizon, Jackie and the girls get vamped up in their best Hollywood finery and head for the nearest bar.

They plop down next to a group of unsuspecting ladies and order shots. Erika proposes a toast: “Here’s to Renessa finding a girl!”

The table next to them hears Erika and raises their glasses in hookup solidarity. Agostina jumps on the opportunity and asks if any of the ladies are single. Hee.

The dark-haired one gets right down to business – the business of popping Renessa’s bi-curious cherry. “What’s your type?” she asks. “Masculine? Feminine?” How about loony bin? There’s good pickings there. The trainer from Whoville has no idea what she wants in a woman.

One of the other Olivians muses that Renessa’s girl quest is like a hazing initiation. Yes it is. For Kappa Kappa Eat My Pie.

Olivian: Were you guys in a sorority? Rebecca: No. Uh uh. Sorority girls never liked me. Olivian: Wha? Rebecca: No. I don’t know. I was like, “Why don’t you like me?” And I didn’t know why. Maybe it was just as well. Maybe that was just my own insecurity because I’m insecure. Jackie: And sensitive …

If vacuous sorority sheep don’t like you, Rebecca, it’s a compliment. Better yet, if they don’t even understand you, that’s the highest praise in all the land.

Rebecca admits to the table of strangers that she’s insecure and overly sensitive. And then adds, “It takes one to know one,” as she looks right at Jackie.

Insecure and overly sensitive Jackie clenches her jaw and tells Rebecca not to start with her passive-aggressive bull crap. The dark-haired woman and her friends know good lesbian drama when they smell it and ask if Jackie and Rebecca used to date.

And for the first time ever, Jackie and Rebecca are simultaneously speechless.

Rebecca is mute because she doesn’t know how to describe what she and Jackie had without sounding bitter. Jackie is speechless because by virtue of them asking, she realizes they haven’t seen her show. Someone buy those ladies a round.

Luck be a lady – Leaving yet another group of bewildered women bobbing in their wake, the girls saunter over to the casino. One unlucky lesbian gets trapped between Jackie and Rebecca at a blackjack table.

Rebecca says: “You guys kinda look alike. You could be sisters.”

Jackie seems highly insulted and calls Rebecca “an ass,” until she sees Rebecca looking up at her with her big, brown, puppy eyes, and she melts a little. Jackie leans over and apologizes while Rebecca clings to her like a newborn chimp.

There is simply no defense for big, pleading eyes looking up at you, and femmes – straight and gay alike – know it. And that is how I ended up with a credit card statement resembling the national debt of Indonesia.

Drink, drank, drunk – After cashing out at the blackjack table, the gang busts in on the ship’s club, the Crow’s Nest. Erika and Agostina, who’ve quietly bonded over a shared affinity for sanity, pole-dance together and watch the others throw all manner of propriety overboard.

Jackie may be the resident lesbian about town, but Erika and Agostina are the perfect lesbian couple, evidenced by their matching shirts and hairstyles. If only wishing made it so.

Weighing in at a mere 100 pounds of quivering, needy flesh, Rebecca gets totally hammered on vodka and starts dirty dancing with Renessa, who’s equally blotto. Suddenly, a pack of cougars pounces on little Renessa, squeezing her into a sandwich.

Who ordered the spring lamb on white?

The dark-haired woman from the lounge appears out of nowhere and hoists Renessa onto her back and starts giving her a free pony ride. Whee! Renessa Lou Who is getting passed around like a fish in a prison yard.

And loving it.

Jackie eventually comes to Renessa’s rescue and brings her over to the bar, where her virtues are in even greater danger. Rebecca is more polluted now, if that’s possible, and wants to see Renessa “mack down on some hot lesbian.” And she has just the hot lesbian in mind; she starts taunting Jackie and Renessa to kiss each other. Let me get my camera.

After several rounds of “you kiss her,” “no, you kiss,” “no, you kiss,” Jackie leans into Rebecca and whispers to her.

Jackie: Are you trying to get me in trouble? Rebecca:No … [to Renessa] I’ll kiss you. I’ll peck kiss you. Jackie:Go! Go for it. Rebecca: [pecks Renessa] There!

Jackie innocently gives Renessa another peck on the lips. How old are we? With all the pecking and double-dog daring, I’ve forgotten.

Has Jackie learned nothing from diddling with Rebecca? Meanwhile, Renessa is three sheets to the wind and ready for more. The ship starts listing to one side as women form a line in front of her.

Rumors – The next morning, Rebecca, Erika and Agostina stretch out on some chaise lounges and let the clean ocean breezes blow the alcohol from their pores. Renessa is nowhere to be found.

Rebecca: Renessa got really drunk last night and made out with Jackie. Agostina: She did?! Really … Erika: No!

Rebecca admits it’s merely hearsay (hersay?), because she wasn’t there. After the others had staggered back to their rooms, Renessa and Jackie were left alone in the bar.

Rebecca, Agostina and Erika decide to pay Renessa’s room a visit to see if she’s alive and/or alone.

In the hallway, Rebecca taps politely on Renessa’s door. No answer. Agostina pounds on it, making her new girlfriend, Erika, giggle. Finally, Death opens the door.

The girls inform Renessa there’s a rumor going around that she was making out with Jackie. “No, no, no, no, no,” Renessa says, even though she doesn’t remember much of anything after her midnight ride on the dark-haired mare.

Renessa denies everything. Agostina decides there’s probably nothing to deny. One thing you can’t deny is Agostina’s abs.

In the end, Renessa says she’s taking this one, whatever it was, to her grave. Eh. Even if Jackie did slip her employee an internal memo last night, which I doubt, Jackie and Renessa generate about as much heat as a fish tank lamp.

Jackie’s mole – Back at the gym, Brian makes a call to Don Scott, the Doug Blasdell Foundation contact. He gathers his boys around him and puts Don on speaker, which makes Lisa’s job as Jackie’s mole a whole lot easier.

Don asks if Doug and Jackie might be interested in donating some training time to the fundraiser auction. Brian is happy to do it but reminds Don, “Jackie kicked me out of the office,” so it’s best to deal with Jackie separately. Lisa listens in and takes copious notes.

Lisa: I have no idea why Peeler thought that he could call Don Scott and not think I would hear. Brian’s absolutely crazy if he thought I wouldn’t go back to Jackie. I mean, it’s my freaking job to tell Jackie everything.

Little does she realize, Brian’s decided it’s also her job to pass irate messages from him to Jackie.

Intervention – It’s the last day of the cruise. Before the ship pulls into port in San Diego, Jackie wants to have a talk with Erika. They go to Jackie’s room for some privacy. Just them and a camera crew.

Jackie: So, are you wondering why I invited you to my room? Erika: Yeah. Jackie: I’ve been kind of noticing that you’ve been eating a tremendous amount of food. And you know that we’ve had this conversation some time ago, a couple of years ago, where you were struggling with bulimia. And I pretty much had thought that you overcame that.

In Season 1, Erika talked openly about her bulimic past. She even shared her story with a client who was wrestling with the same demons. But now, something has tripped Jackie’s radar.

Jackie: You’re not gaining any weight. In fact, you look like you might have lost some weight. Erika: No. I’ve been on this cruise and I figured, I’m just going to eat whatever and have a good time. And then when I get back to, ya know, back home, then it’s back to being disciplined again. Jackie: Yeah. But, you know that you can come to me and talk to me about it. Erika: Yeah, I know. I swear there’s not … no. I appreciate the concern …

Jackie pries a little deeper, and Erika admits she’s not happy being single. Jackie asks earnestly, “Why is it that you’re single so much?” and Erika begins to cry. Jackie’s way with the ladies comes and goes.

Jackie: You’re really beautiful. And you’re really beautiful inside. You really are a good person. And you’re fun and you have so much to offer. And that’s the question. How can we make who we see match with who you feel you are?

Erika nods silently from behind the denim jacket she’s using as a hanky. I think that’s Jackie’s jacket she’s using to wipe her nose. Awesome. Erika, you rock so hard. Please don’t be sad.

Now in her mid-30s, Erika looks around and sees that her friends are all married with kids. She wants that for herself someday, but how? Yoda tells her the universe will take care of her.

Jackie: It’s energy in, energy out. And you put out that energy that you’re OK. When you start getting OK, really, inside, that’s the energy you’ll portray. I want to see you happy. You deserve it.

Jackie puts her arms around Erika and gives her a warm hug, the first one in months that didn’t involve any inappropriate hip grinding.

Ready to go homo – The Olivia cruise is finally over, and not a moment too soon. Rebecca tries to help Renessa pack, but since she’s not into handling mildewy swimsuits, there’s nothing she can do except try on Renessa’s earrings and dissect the previous week’s shenanigans.

Rebecca: Do you think Jackie’s girlfriend would be upset by any of her behavior last night? Renessa: Ya know what? I think that she would be upset with any of it because I can see that whole, like, don’t-talk-to-my-woman kind of a thing. And I also think that she’s a very jealous girl, in the first place. I get that vibe. So anyone looking at her wrong, or Jackie doing one little thing – even if it’s human nature, [or] be flirty – I think, yeah. She would have been bothered by the littlest thing. Don’t you? Rebecca: Yeah …

Rebecca sounds as bored as I feel. Weary of clinging to Jackie and clamoring for uninterrupted eye contact, Rebecca’s had enough lesbian drama for a while and lowers her freak flag to half-mast.

Renessa: As busy as it is, I miss my life. Rebecca: I miss the penis.

Because in the end, that’s how she rolls.

Even though we never did find out what happened in Renessa’s Jackie dream, everyone returns home tanner, fatter and with just a little less dignity. The perfect vacation.

Next week on Work Out: Plitt gives Erika dating advice. Deenie tells Gregg to pick up his damn phone when she calls him. Brian comes this close to getting fired. Again.

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