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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.2 “SkyLab 2.0”

SkyLab 2.0 – Last year, Jackie introduced SkyLab, her intensive boot camp and retreat for clients looking for that special jump-start that only gobs of money can buy. This season, SkyLab has a whole new class of plus-size folks who have willingly signed up to get their asses kicked.

Jackie and company have their hands full, so to speak, with clients ranging from experienced gym-rats like Jackie’s existing client, Shannon, to Paisley, a lazy spaz who doesn’t know how to do simple jumping jacks and, furthermore, would rather not know.

Jackie barks, “Straighten the arms,” repeatedly, and Paisley ignores her. Jackie ends up doing them with her, which seems to be what she wanted.

Jackie says Paisley “doesn’t want to lift a finger, wants things done for her” – like there’s something wrong with that. But I guess if you’ve committed to being there, the least you can do is try to learn what most 10-year-olds already know.

Then there’s Deenie, the heaviest and youngest of the group. During her screening interview, Deenie tells Jackie she went to her first Weight Watchers meeting while in the third grade. Third grade. Where was her mother? A third-grader doesn’t jump behind the wheel of the family minivan and drive to Baskin Robbins all by herself, if you know what I mean.

Deenie’s goal, to “walk into the Gap and buy a pair of goddamn jeans,” may sound modest to most of us, but for her, it’s going to be a long journey filled with bitter protein powders, major chafing and possibly an oxygen tank.

But before Deenie can walk, she has to learn how to crawl, and Jackie’s all over that with her patented exercise, “See a Penny, Pick It Up.”

According to Jackie, Natalie, at 244 pounds, is the “most normal” of the SkyLab bunch because her obesity hasn’t affected her daily self-esteem. Is anyone on this show really in a position to judge who’s “normal”? Tune in next week when Jackie starts dispensing relationship advice.

It’s Natalie’s first wedding anniversary, but married life isn’t as good as it looked in the brochure. She tells Jackie they’re having problems.

Jackie: Do some of them have to do with your weight? Natalie: A lot of them have to do with my weight. He’s been with me for five years and has seen my struggle, up and down, up and down. And at one point, ya know, he just said, “I can’t take it anymore.”

Nice. Thanks to Mr. Wonderful, Natalie’s self-esteem is well on its way down the crapper.

Next, it’s off to the hydrostatic body fat weigh in. Everyone dons bathing suits and goes in the dunk tank to see who can displace the most water and still retain a shred of dignity.

This year, SkyLab has some added features. Dr. Robert Huizenga, a weight-loss expert, has been brought in to bring some gravitas to the show. He’s a doctor, not a miracle worker! Using highly sophisticated equipment, he takes what look like sonograms of everyone. Aw. Congratulations. It’s cellulite.

More evaluations – The doctor tells Jackie that SkyLabber Tyra is going to be a tough case. She not only has layers of fat, she has a lot of visceral fat that surrounds her organs and is “marbled” throughout her intestines. I may never eat steak again.

Tyra tells Jackie why she’s gained so much weight.

Tyra: Most of the weight I’ve gained was after Hurricane Katrina. The stress of just trying to get your life back together, and still trying. Jackie: So, did you live right there? Tyra: Yeah. My husband is still back there, working on our home. Slowly. Jackie: So the stress, sort of, triggered an eating pattern with you? Tyra: Yeah.

Hurricane Katrina made her fat. What department of FEMA handles that, exactly? Jackie’s strategy for Tyra is to make her take care of herself. Jackie, you’re doing a helluva a job.

SkyLab client Damon looks at his scale results and proclaims himself a “linebacker,” which is the manly, more flattering way of saying, “I’m fat!”

Women should have the same naming conventions. Instead of calling women “fat,” they should be called “opera singers.”

Jackie says Damon’s sense of humor has evolved into fat jokes about himself.

Damon: So, when I got chubby, all of a sudden my friends would be like, “Oh, dude, I got this girl for you,” and I’d be like, “Really, oh great. Hook me up,” and she’d be like this chubby girl, and I’d be like, “Dude, my eyes didn’t get fat!”

I thought I knew the definition of self-deprecation, but I guess I don’t.

Damon is, of course, within his inalienable rights to expect to date nice-looking, thin women, no matter how fat he gets. The Flintstone-Kramdon Law, perhaps you’ve heard of it?

The rest of the SkyLab gang, Micah and Victoria, don’t have the massive weight problems the others do. Dr. Huizenga tells Jackie she even has a shot with Micah of getting him some six-pack abs.

He then says that Victoria has a medical condition in her lady parts because obesity also affects the body’s hormones. But with weight loss, many of these conditions resolve themselves.

“You’re going to become a gynecological endocrinologist,” he says. Jackie immediately snickers, thinking to herself, “You said ‘gynecological'” like the 10 year-old boy she is.

As a longtime amateur gynecologist, Jackie is well-qualified for this new position.

Lesbians ahoy – Taking all the information she’s gleaned from interviews, medical records, sonograms and weigh-ins, Jackie plays a game with herself, matching SkyLab clients with her trainers.

The Grand Master moves her pawns around until she’s satisfied she has a winning strategy. It’s important that each client gets paired with the right trainer, but holding people’s lives in her hands, if only for a few weeks, is also a delicious feeling!

The next day, Jackie takes all the female trainers out for sushi. Jackie sure does love sushi.

Over lunch, to the surprise and delight of the table (and to the dismay of Mexicans from here to Mazatlan), Jackie invites the girls to join her on a cruise to Mexico. Jackie covers her mouth with her hand while emitting an oddly girlish giggle and mentions that it’s an Olivia cruise. The others continue to smile innocently, but Rebecca suddenly smells what Jackie’s stepping in.

Rebecca: Olivia Cruises? Is that … Jackie: [to Rebecca] You know what that is. Rebecca: [to the table] It’s a lesbionic cruise. Jackie: It’s a lesbian cruise. Rebecca: I love lesbians!

You know, there was something nostalgic and intimate about Jackie’s “You know what that is” to Rebecca. Rebecca clearly received the immersion course in Lesbian 101 when she hooked up with Jackie last season. I bet Rebecca now knows a bunch of useless facts about The L Word.

But the thrill is definitely gone as far as Jackie’s concerned, because she says she hopes some big ol’ dykes hook up with Rebecca. Wait – are they all going to prison?

However, that’s not going to happen. You’re the only big ol’ dyke in her world, Jackie.

When asked, Agostina says confidently that she has no problem going on a lesbian cruise – many of her clients are lesbians. Agostina isn’t very excitable and mostly hangs back and watches the others with sanguine detachment.

Then Rebecca drops a bomb. Looking at Jackie and Agostina, she blurts out, “Well, y’all made out, so you’re sort of on our team.”

And by “our team,” she means Sky Sport employees who’ve known Jackie’s minty fresh breath up close and personal. The list grows longer with each passing day. Is she physically incapable of keeping her lips to herself?

Rebecca gives everyone a dramatic “oops,” Erika takes the news in stride, and Agostina contemplates what a chopstick would look like sticking out of Rebecca’s neck.

Meanwhile, Jackie sits there looking utterly mortified. Better late than never, killer. Agostina regains her composure and shrugs. She nonchalantly theorizes that Jackie kisses everyone, “Maybe because she’s the boss?” A native of Argentina, Agostina has little trouble understanding how this particular American operates.

Jackie explains: “This is Los Angeles. Every girl in Los Angeles is as straight as the next cocktail.” That’s not really true, of course. They’re straight until the next reality show.

Erika, who’s worked at Sky Sport long enough to know, says: “It should be on the Sky Sport application. If there’s a new female trainer that gets hired, you have to kiss Jackie once.” Sky Sport’s version of a drug test, if you will. There’s no peeing in a cup, but you do have to let Jackie swab your cheek. With her tongue.

A new hire – Back at the office, Jesse notices a fine specimen of a manly maleness doing pull-downs. His name is J.D., and he’s the new masseur.

Jesse wonders what J.D. stands for. Judas? Jimmy Dean? As in sausages? The very thought gets Jesse in the mood for breakfast meats, which is just what Jackie, the s— stirrer, hoped would happen.

Jackie: He’s cute, though. I can totally see you guys dating. Jesse: No! I got my … first of all … Jackie: I know. You have your man.

Jackie, evil puppet master that she is, reveals: “J.D. is good-looking. He’s in shape. And he’s gay and he’s sweet! So I thought it’d be very funny if I could push those two together.”

Before the infidelity high jinks can begin, Jackie has J.D. give her a massage. But only because she has no interest in making out with him.

J.D. lights some candles and goes to work. As he kneads her like an Amish bread maker, Jackie explains that providing massages to the SkyLab clients is crucial.

Jackie: Do you know some of these women have issues with touch? Do you know what I mean? And they’ve not been touched in quite a while, and human contact is so important.

Just when I think Jackie is merely a maniacal horn dog, she says something insightful and true. Damn her.

You’re going where, with whom? – Jackie and Briana are at home the night before Jackie has to leave for the Olivia cruise. Briana asks for some details from Captain Vague.

Jackie: I’m leaving tomorrow. I gotta pack tonight. Briana: How long is it for? Jackie: For a week. Briana: A week? Why a week? Are you going to training, or what are you … ? Jackie: I’m going to do a boot camp [heavy sigh], whatever. You know, sign photos … you know how all that goes. Briana: I don’t understand a week.

Well, it is a cruise. Is she supposed to jump overboard and swim home early?

Jackie casually mentions the female trainers are going with her, including Rebecca. Briana points out how “awkward” that could be, but Jackie doesn’t see a problem with it at all.

Jackie: You have nothing to worry about. Briana: I would hope I have nothing to worry about.

Briana looks Jackie dead in the eye – she’s young, but she’s no dope. All the color drains out of Jackie’s face when she suddenly realizes Briana has seen Seasons 1 and 2.

Jackie toddles off to pack, announcing unnecessarily that she’s going to pack light. Just a few shorts, some cute tops and a big ol’ carrying case for her balls.

Are we there yet? – An SUV picks up the girls and drives them to the harbor in San Diego. Erika and Renessa, having never been on a cruise before, are psyched. Halfway there, Rebecca remembers she left her bikini in the dryer. How convenient.

Erika’s sage advice? Go naked; no one will care. The rest of the backseat agrees.

Meanwhile, Jackie wants to talk shop and asks who’s going to be doing which on-board boot camp. Erika pipes up that she didn’t pack any workout clothes.

Jackie: You didn’t bring workout clothes? Erika: To work out on the boat? No, I’m going to be teaching a class. Jackie: But you brought workout clothes, though. Right? Erika: To train the people. Jackie: OK, but you can wear those to work out. Erika: Yeah, but I don’t want to work out.

And I don’t want carpal tunnel, but you don’t see me shirking.

Erika doesn’t care if the ship is lesbians, bow to stern, as long as she can lie in the sun, eat, hit the spa and lie around some more. Can you blame her? Who wants to be doing lunges when you can be enjoying the all-you-can-eat Heart Attack Buffet on the Fiesta Deck?

Erika tells her boss she plans on hanging around, watching TV and eating. Erika’s vacation sounds like my last Tuesday.

Instead of playing I Spy or some other lame-ass road trip game, Rebecca poses a fun question to the car: What will they do if a lesbian tries to kiss them? Gee, I don’t know. Jackie, what did they do?

Renessa: Um, I don’t know. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being rude to a female, at all. Rebecca: Right. ‘Cause they’re, like, on our team and all. Renessa: Right.

Rebecca sees Jackie shaking her head incredulously, and she laughs at her.

Renessa: I like to just go in the moment. Jackie: [sarcastically] I love hearing straight women talking about lesbianism.

She looks at the floor, and for one brief moment, Jackie looks saddened to hear lesbians being patronized by giggling straight girls. This moment of canned poignancy brought to you by Bravo.

The others ask Rebecca what her girl-kissing strategy is going to be. Rebecca says she doesn’t know because it happens so rarely; the last woman she kissed was Jackie, and that was a month ago. Jackie laughs and objects: “No, more than a month! More than a month. Good one.” Everyone laughs, and the driver smirks for the next three exits.

What’s in your fridge? – While the girls roll their way to San Diego, Jesse pays his client, Natalie, a home visit to do a spot inspection of her kitchen. Inside her fridge, he finds Sunfare food, the meal program all the SkyLabbers have been given this season. However, he also finds ice cream, chips and chocolate muffins.

Jesse grabs a garbage bag, and as Natalie bids farewell to her Ruffles, I weep softly into my bowl of Häagen-Dazs. Don’t they know there are people starving in the parking lot at Krispy Kreme?

Natalie tells Jesse she’s gained and lost 80 pounds at least five times in her life, and now the weight thing is ruining her marriage. Dr. Jesse tells her she’s not healthy because “what’s missing inside is you,” and Natalie bursts into tears.

Jesse cheers her up by reminding her he’s going to kick her ass. I want Natalie to get so smoking hot she leaves her dopey husband.

Please do not remove protective panel – The Work Out Express makes a pit stop at a swimsuit store so Rebecca can buy a new piece of dental floss.

Not to be outdone, Sky Sport’s rookie tramp, Renessa, demonstrates where the expression “put your ass in a sling” came from.

Everything breaks down like a shotgun when Rebecca starts climbing on Erika like a lemur.

Erika gushes: “Rebecca’s really cute. The girl has no inhibitions. It’s nice to see someone who’s so free with themselves and so secure.”

And so brave. After trying on everything in the store without their panties on, the girls are soon on their merry way, with new bikinis and dressing room yeast infections.

I’m the king of the lesbian world! – The girls finally arrive at the ship terminal, where they’re greeted by Barbara Carrington, their Olivia cruise liaison. Barbara personally shows Jackie to her VIP suite, which is stocked with complimentary champagne. The girls are left wandering the endless corridors, looking for the steerage section.

That night, the Olivia crowd gathers on the deck and is introduced to the Work Out cast. Also appearing are two stars from a little show on Logo called Exes & Ohs. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

Having Michelle Paradise and Megan Cavanagh sharing the stage with Jackie Warner and company is like serving prime rib with potato chips, but hey, something for everyone, right?

Then comes the part that Jackie and Rebecca live for: getting fanned. Jackie moves through the crowd like the celesbian she is, posing for pictures with fans and glad-handing the ladies.

Jackie: For me, that was work: signing autographs, taking pictures. It’s fun, it’s flattering, I like to do it. I love my fans.

If she thinks that was work, she should feel grateful she didn’t have to shoot a video blog.

Rebecca gets into the lesbionic spirit and happily signs a few breasts. Trying out a little free-spiritedness of her own, Erika emulates Rebecca and signs a few, too.

Everyone blithely dances the night away as the ship slowly makes its way toward international waters, where Jackie is under the impression that relationship laws don’t apply.

Hanging with da boys – While Jackie and the girls sit poolside somewhere in the Pacific, Greg Plitt has the Sky Sport men over to his house for a barbeque. Jesse brings J.D., the masseur, to introduce him to the rest of the guys. J.D. tells them about his interesting massage interview with Jackie.

Plitt: Whoa. You had to give Jackie a massage before she’d hire you? J.D.: I had to massage Jackie naked. Jesse: Did she get an erection?

If she did, it would be the only happy ending on the show. I love Jesse.

Greg’s entertainment for the afternoon is a game of horseshoes. Good ol’ boy Brian is in his element, but Jesse and J.D. are gay men. Gay men normally try to avoid metal objects found embedded in manure, but they’re good-natured and give it a try.

Oddly enough, Jesse and J.D. both get ringers their first time in the pit. Playing all that ring toss with their boyfriends has paid off.

Afterwards, the men sit down to a big meal of grilled cow and pig. Bathed in testosterone, Brian invites everyone to do the Mud Run, a 10K charity obstacle course that features crawling through sand, scaling walls, traversing water, and of course, lots of mud. No wimpy AIDS walking for him, no sir. They all accept his invitation. Hooyah!

Longitude and attitude – Rebecca and Erika are out on deck conducting a boot camp for the few, the proud, the sun-screened. It’s Rebecca’s first time leading a class, but she’s a natural at making lesbians sweat. Out of nowhere, Jackie shows up and starts barking orders.

Jackie: Yeah! C’mon, guys! Keep going with the ab work. Rebecca: Jackie, we have this already planned. Jackie: That’s all right. Don’t worry about it. One! Two! Three … Erika: [to Rebecca] This is f—ed up. Jackie: I’m taking over this class! Rebecca: Why are you taking over this class? Jackie: Ha ha ha!

Rebecca and Erika smile through clenched teeth and watch helplessly as Jackie usurps their authority in front of everyone with her push-ups and air of celebrity.

Chaos ensues. Some women start doing Jackie Warner push-ups, some stand up on Rebecca’s command. Erika stands dumbfounded as her train goes off the rails right before her very eyes. And just as suddenly as she appeared, Jackie warbles, “Good job!” and wanders off to steer the ship.

Later, sitting at the bar, Rebecca and Erika try to pinpoint when exactly Jackie went completely insane.

Rebecca: This is the first time where I’d seen severe insecurities with Jackie’s leadership ability. Because here we are, given a task. And she walks in and takes it over. And I felt that was really undermining.

Good morning, Rebecca! How’s that fine coffee aroma? Meanwhile, Erika is still dreaming.

Erika: Oh my God, I can’t believe she, like, did that to us. Rebecca: You can’t, really? You really can’t believe she did that? It is exactly what she does. She’s probably the biggest control freak I have ever met in my entire life.

Frankly, Rebecca has always had Jackie’s number. But now that she’s not one of Jackie’s Chosen Ones, she’s getting the other end of the stick. Just then, Jackie finds them and acts as if nothing happened.

Rebecca smiles disingenuously and tells Jackie how stoked she was about the workout coup. Erika says that honestly she was a little mad. Oh, Erika. Honesty has no place here.

Jackie pulls an excuse out of her ass: She claims she was just looking for Erika, and when she saw they were in the middle of a boot camp, she thought it would be a hoot to jump in.

Jackie: Here’s the deal: It’s meant to be fun. It should be OK for me to jump in. Rebecca: If you wanted to teach the boot camp, you would have taught it … Erika: What would you do if we jumped in on your boot camp? You’d be, like, “Out!” Jackie: No, I wouldn’t. Rebecca: No. You would ignore us. Jackie: I jumped in for a minute. Honestly, I thought the energy could have been more up. Rebecca: I thought we were doing just fine without you.

Jackie and Rebecca go ’round and ’round about who’s at fault while Erika retreats inside herself. “You’re insecure.” “No, you’re insecure.” “You crumbled.” “I did not crumble.” “Relax.” “No, you relax.” Girls! Girls! You’re both pretty.

Finally, Jackie resorts to the always effective debating technique, “Blah, blah, blah.”

Rebecca counters with the equally effective argument, “When you point your finger, three more point back at you.”

Circular arguments are entertaining for about four seconds. After the fifth second, you want to poke sticks in your eyes. This one goes on for a full three minutes. And that’s three minutes none of us will never get back.

Man the lifeboats. Abandon ship.

Next week on Work Out: Nothing eases tensions between management and staff like dirty dancing and tequila shots.

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