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“Top Chef” Recaps: Episode 4.6 “Tailgating”

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Jennifer: I am doing this for Zoi. I just like want to go in and like kick some ass.

The clock ticks to zero, and it’s time for a nice cold one. Padma and Koren sample all the offerings. Richard is first, and he calls Koren the kind of chef who is a “super connoisseur of beer.” Uh, is that code for “lesbian”?

Turns out you don’t want to sit across from Koren at the poker table. She has nary a word to say about each dish beyond “thank you.” Then she gets to Spike’s plate, which is a cutting board filled with cold cuts and clams. After she leaves unimpressed, he says she didn’t get the dish. That’s because it’s not a dish, it’s Lunchables.

By the time they wind their way to Jennifer, you can’t help but wonder if the judges have a buzz going on. In fact, Jennifer’s shrimp-and-scallop beignets seem to give Padma the munchies.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Jennifer: My hair is like a shark fin and I got the Landshark beer. It’s kind of a lucky charm for me.

Some of the fellas, however, would apparently rather be sipping Chablis. Dale says the last thing he needs now is beer. Spike says he isn’t a beer drinker. In fact, he says it all tastes the same to him. Dude, if you think a Guinness tastes like a Bud Light, perhaps you’re not as talented a dude as you thought you were.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall – Then it’s time to drink, er, cook. Richard decides to forgo the bells and whistles and make a sandwich. Antonia doesn’t want to dumb down her dish. Dale is making pretzel-crusted pork. What, no Beer Nuts? Actually, Beer Nuts might have been a better idea, because his pretzels turn to dust in the food processor.

Jennifer is stirring the holy heck out of a seafood mixture. She confesses that she may be a lot more fired up than the rest of the contestants.

Jennifer: I am doing this for Zoi. I just like want to go in and like kick some ass.

The clock ticks to zero, and it’s time for a nice cold one. Padma and Koren sample all the offerings. Richard is first, and he calls Koren the kind of chef who is a “super connoisseur of beer.” Uh, is that code for “lesbian”?

Turns out you don’t want to sit across from Koren at the poker table. She has nary a word to say about each dish beyond “thank you.” Then she gets to Spike’s plate, which is a cutting board filled with cold cuts and clams. After she leaves unimpressed, he says she didn’t get the dish. That’s because it’s not a dish, it’s Lunchables.

By the time they wind their way to Jennifer, you can’t help but wonder if the judges have a buzz going on. In fact, Jennifer’s shrimp-and-scallop beignets seem to give Padma the munchies.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Lisa: I have a big problem with the fact that he is turning it into, “Well I’m sorry for going off on you,” but then he still has to plug that he has an issue with me. I keep my mouth shut, I let Dale do his apologizing, but Dale can go f— himself as far as I’m concerned.

I think the first three minutes of this episode have had more drama than the first five hours of the season so far.

The breakfast of champions – The cheftestants walk into the Top Chef Kitchen, and what is there to greet them? Beer! Glorious, frothy, glistening beer. Man, I’m thirsty. Hold on – fridge run!

Ah, that’s much better.

Standing behind 16 perfect pitchers of amber goodness are Padma, who is totally working a little Flashdance off-the-shoulder action, and Quickfire guest judge Koren Grieveson, head chef of the popular Chicago eatery Avec.

Um, has anyone counted the number of toaster ovens in Koren’s home? Tattoos, wallet chain, novelty T and a big belt? The only way she could possibly be wearing more standard-issue lesbian gear is if she had a Melissa Etheridge CD stapled to her forehead.

Anyone want to play quarters? – The Quickfire Challenge is about simple pleasures, so their task is to pair a meal with one of the beers. The chefs all take turns bellying up to the bar to pick their poison. Then they have 30 minutes to create a dish that goes with their brew.

Beer? A possible chefbian guest judge? Padma paying tribute to Jennifer Beals? This challenge makes me want to Snoopy dance across the living room floor. But not all the chefs are ready to get their Peanuts on.

I love how the female cheftestants seem more excited about drinking some brewskies than the boys. Nikki says it looks like fun. Good Chicago gal Stephanie calls pairing beer to food an art, and Lisa declares her love of beer – shocking, I know. Jennifer picks the Landshark Lager.

Jennifer: My hair is like a shark fin and I got the Landshark beer. It’s kind of a lucky charm for me.

Some of the fellas, however, would apparently rather be sipping Chablis. Dale says the last thing he needs now is beer. Spike says he isn’t a beer drinker. In fact, he says it all tastes the same to him. Dude, if you think a Guinness tastes like a Bud Light, perhaps you’re not as talented a dude as you thought you were.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall – Then it’s time to drink, er, cook. Richard decides to forgo the bells and whistles and make a sandwich. Antonia doesn’t want to dumb down her dish. Dale is making pretzel-crusted pork. What, no Beer Nuts? Actually, Beer Nuts might have been a better idea, because his pretzels turn to dust in the food processor.

Jennifer is stirring the holy heck out of a seafood mixture. She confesses that she may be a lot more fired up than the rest of the contestants.

Jennifer: I am doing this for Zoi. I just like want to go in and like kick some ass.

The clock ticks to zero, and it’s time for a nice cold one. Padma and Koren sample all the offerings. Richard is first, and he calls Koren the kind of chef who is a “super connoisseur of beer.” Uh, is that code for “lesbian”?

Turns out you don’t want to sit across from Koren at the poker table. She has nary a word to say about each dish beyond “thank you.” Then she gets to Spike’s plate, which is a cutting board filled with cold cuts and clams. After she leaves unimpressed, he says she didn’t get the dish. That’s because it’s not a dish, it’s Lunchables.

By the time they wind their way to Jennifer, you can’t help but wonder if the judges have a buzz going on. In fact, Jennifer’s shrimp-and-scallop beignets seem to give Padma the munchies.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Jennifer: I love Zoi. She is the love of my life. I really wanted to see it go longer … all I want to do now is win. I want to win for both of us.

Determination: Let me show you its face.

The rest of the house registers the tensions. Ryan, in between some fairly stiff-looking stretching, says Zoi’s departure “stirred” the pot. But he thinks he’ll have an advantage if people are “stewing” about it. Personal drama told through cooking analogies? Hey, isn’t that my job?

The hardest word to say – Chefbian Lisa has her own wounds to lick. She’s happy she won, but the confrontation with Dale soured the night. They meet to talk about the blowout. Dale says he perceives her as negative. She says she can’t change how he perceives her. Dale apologizes for the fight, but not for way her personality rubs him the wrong way.

Ah, the classic “I’m sorry you made me mad” apology.

Lisa: I have a big problem with the fact that he is turning it into, “Well I’m sorry for going off on you,” but then he still has to plug that he has an issue with me. I keep my mouth shut, I let Dale do his apologizing, but Dale can go f— himself as far as I’m concerned.

I think the first three minutes of this episode have had more drama than the first five hours of the season so far.

The breakfast of champions – The cheftestants walk into the Top Chef Kitchen, and what is there to greet them? Beer! Glorious, frothy, glistening beer. Man, I’m thirsty. Hold on – fridge run!

Ah, that’s much better.

Standing behind 16 perfect pitchers of amber goodness are Padma, who is totally working a little Flashdance off-the-shoulder action, and Quickfire guest judge Koren Grieveson, head chef of the popular Chicago eatery Avec.

Um, has anyone counted the number of toaster ovens in Koren’s home? Tattoos, wallet chain, novelty T and a big belt? The only way she could possibly be wearing more standard-issue lesbian gear is if she had a Melissa Etheridge CD stapled to her forehead.

Anyone want to play quarters? – The Quickfire Challenge is about simple pleasures, so their task is to pair a meal with one of the beers. The chefs all take turns bellying up to the bar to pick their poison. Then they have 30 minutes to create a dish that goes with their brew.

Beer? A possible chefbian guest judge? Padma paying tribute to Jennifer Beals? This challenge makes me want to Snoopy dance across the living room floor. But not all the chefs are ready to get their Peanuts on.

I love how the female cheftestants seem more excited about drinking some brewskies than the boys. Nikki says it looks like fun. Good Chicago gal Stephanie calls pairing beer to food an art, and Lisa declares her love of beer – shocking, I know. Jennifer picks the Landshark Lager.

Jennifer: My hair is like a shark fin and I got the Landshark beer. It’s kind of a lucky charm for me.

Some of the fellas, however, would apparently rather be sipping Chablis. Dale says the last thing he needs now is beer. Spike says he isn’t a beer drinker. In fact, he says it all tastes the same to him. Dude, if you think a Guinness tastes like a Bud Light, perhaps you’re not as talented a dude as you thought you were.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall – Then it’s time to drink, er, cook. Richard decides to forgo the bells and whistles and make a sandwich. Antonia doesn’t want to dumb down her dish. Dale is making pretzel-crusted pork. What, no Beer Nuts? Actually, Beer Nuts might have been a better idea, because his pretzels turn to dust in the food processor.

Jennifer is stirring the holy heck out of a seafood mixture. She confesses that she may be a lot more fired up than the rest of the contestants.

Jennifer: I am doing this for Zoi. I just like want to go in and like kick some ass.

The clock ticks to zero, and it’s time for a nice cold one. Padma and Koren sample all the offerings. Richard is first, and he calls Koren the kind of chef who is a “super connoisseur of beer.” Uh, is that code for “lesbian”?

Turns out you don’t want to sit across from Koren at the poker table. She has nary a word to say about each dish beyond “thank you.” Then she gets to Spike’s plate, which is a cutting board filled with cold cuts and clams. After she leaves unimpressed, he says she didn’t get the dish. That’s because it’s not a dish, it’s Lunchables.

By the time they wind their way to Jennifer, you can’t help but wonder if the judges have a buzz going on. In fact, Jennifer’s shrimp-and-scallop beignets seem to give Padma the munchies.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

Spike: I’m feeling a little like s— because as the show goes on a lot of gossip starts to happen. And, you know, I heard through the grapevine that a lot of people thought I should have went home. But I think that’s just a lot because people are feeling a little threatened because I’m like a talented dude.

No, dude, it’s not because they are threatened. It’s because you are an asshat.

Jennifer, in the meantime, has little to say to Spike as he passes her in the kitchen. But to the cameras, she pours her heart out.

Jennifer: I love Zoi. She is the love of my life. I really wanted to see it go longer … all I want to do now is win. I want to win for both of us.

Determination: Let me show you its face.

The rest of the house registers the tensions. Ryan, in between some fairly stiff-looking stretching, says Zoi’s departure “stirred” the pot. But he thinks he’ll have an advantage if people are “stewing” about it. Personal drama told through cooking analogies? Hey, isn’t that my job?

The hardest word to say – Chefbian Lisa has her own wounds to lick. She’s happy she won, but the confrontation with Dale soured the night. They meet to talk about the blowout. Dale says he perceives her as negative. She says she can’t change how he perceives her. Dale apologizes for the fight, but not for way her personality rubs him the wrong way.

Ah, the classic “I’m sorry you made me mad” apology.

Lisa: I have a big problem with the fact that he is turning it into, “Well I’m sorry for going off on you,” but then he still has to plug that he has an issue with me. I keep my mouth shut, I let Dale do his apologizing, but Dale can go f— himself as far as I’m concerned.

I think the first three minutes of this episode have had more drama than the first five hours of the season so far.

The breakfast of champions – The cheftestants walk into the Top Chef Kitchen, and what is there to greet them? Beer! Glorious, frothy, glistening beer. Man, I’m thirsty. Hold on – fridge run!

Ah, that’s much better.

Standing behind 16 perfect pitchers of amber goodness are Padma, who is totally working a little Flashdance off-the-shoulder action, and Quickfire guest judge Koren Grieveson, head chef of the popular Chicago eatery Avec.

Um, has anyone counted the number of toaster ovens in Koren’s home? Tattoos, wallet chain, novelty T and a big belt? The only way she could possibly be wearing more standard-issue lesbian gear is if she had a Melissa Etheridge CD stapled to her forehead.

Anyone want to play quarters? – The Quickfire Challenge is about simple pleasures, so their task is to pair a meal with one of the beers. The chefs all take turns bellying up to the bar to pick their poison. Then they have 30 minutes to create a dish that goes with their brew.

Beer? A possible chefbian guest judge? Padma paying tribute to Jennifer Beals? This challenge makes me want to Snoopy dance across the living room floor. But not all the chefs are ready to get their Peanuts on.

I love how the female cheftestants seem more excited about drinking some brewskies than the boys. Nikki says it looks like fun. Good Chicago gal Stephanie calls pairing beer to food an art, and Lisa declares her love of beer – shocking, I know. Jennifer picks the Landshark Lager.

Jennifer: My hair is like a shark fin and I got the Landshark beer. It’s kind of a lucky charm for me.

Some of the fellas, however, would apparently rather be sipping Chablis. Dale says the last thing he needs now is beer. Spike says he isn’t a beer drinker. In fact, he says it all tastes the same to him. Dude, if you think a Guinness tastes like a Bud Light, perhaps you’re not as talented a dude as you thought you were.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall – Then it’s time to drink, er, cook. Richard decides to forgo the bells and whistles and make a sandwich. Antonia doesn’t want to dumb down her dish. Dale is making pretzel-crusted pork. What, no Beer Nuts? Actually, Beer Nuts might have been a better idea, because his pretzels turn to dust in the food processor.

Jennifer is stirring the holy heck out of a seafood mixture. She confesses that she may be a lot more fired up than the rest of the contestants.

Jennifer: I am doing this for Zoi. I just like want to go in and like kick some ass.

The clock ticks to zero, and it’s time for a nice cold one. Padma and Koren sample all the offerings. Richard is first, and he calls Koren the kind of chef who is a “super connoisseur of beer.” Uh, is that code for “lesbian”?

Turns out you don’t want to sit across from Koren at the poker table. She has nary a word to say about each dish beyond “thank you.” Then she gets to Spike’s plate, which is a cutting board filled with cold cuts and clams. After she leaves unimpressed, he says she didn’t get the dish. That’s because it’s not a dish, it’s Lunchables.

By the time they wind their way to Jennifer, you can’t help but wonder if the judges have a buzz going on. In fact, Jennifer’s shrimp-and-scallop beignets seem to give Padma the munchies.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

THIS WEEK’S KITCHEN ESSENTIALS:

Quickfire: Chug! Chug! Chug! Elimination: Lions and tigers and Bears, oh my. Padmaism: Well, I’m very impressed because we’ve gone through a lot of your colleagues.

The morning after – Before we start this week’s recap, I’d like to pour a little out for our homogirl, Zoi. We miss our dearly departed chefbian. Peace out.

As the 11 remaining chefs rise and shine, Spike is wearing a pillow in lieu of one of his idiotic hats. I like it better since it covers his face. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon.

Spike: I’m feeling a little like s— because as the show goes on a lot of gossip starts to happen. And, you know, I heard through the grapevine that a lot of people thought I should have went home. But I think that’s just a lot because people are feeling a little threatened because I’m like a talented dude.

No, dude, it’s not because they are threatened. It’s because you are an asshat.

Jennifer, in the meantime, has little to say to Spike as he passes her in the kitchen. But to the cameras, she pours her heart out.

Jennifer: I love Zoi. She is the love of my life. I really wanted to see it go longer … all I want to do now is win. I want to win for both of us.

Determination: Let me show you its face.

The rest of the house registers the tensions. Ryan, in between some fairly stiff-looking stretching, says Zoi’s departure “stirred” the pot. But he thinks he’ll have an advantage if people are “stewing” about it. Personal drama told through cooking analogies? Hey, isn’t that my job?

The hardest word to say – Chefbian Lisa has her own wounds to lick. She’s happy she won, but the confrontation with Dale soured the night. They meet to talk about the blowout. Dale says he perceives her as negative. She says she can’t change how he perceives her. Dale apologizes for the fight, but not for way her personality rubs him the wrong way.

Ah, the classic “I’m sorry you made me mad” apology.

Lisa: I have a big problem with the fact that he is turning it into, “Well I’m sorry for going off on you,” but then he still has to plug that he has an issue with me. I keep my mouth shut, I let Dale do his apologizing, but Dale can go f— himself as far as I’m concerned.

I think the first three minutes of this episode have had more drama than the first five hours of the season so far.

The breakfast of champions – The cheftestants walk into the Top Chef Kitchen, and what is there to greet them? Beer! Glorious, frothy, glistening beer. Man, I’m thirsty. Hold on – fridge run!

Ah, that’s much better.

Standing behind 16 perfect pitchers of amber goodness are Padma, who is totally working a little Flashdance off-the-shoulder action, and Quickfire guest judge Koren Grieveson, head chef of the popular Chicago eatery Avec.

Um, has anyone counted the number of toaster ovens in Koren’s home? Tattoos, wallet chain, novelty T and a big belt? The only way she could possibly be wearing more standard-issue lesbian gear is if she had a Melissa Etheridge CD stapled to her forehead.

Anyone want to play quarters? – The Quickfire Challenge is about simple pleasures, so their task is to pair a meal with one of the beers. The chefs all take turns bellying up to the bar to pick their poison. Then they have 30 minutes to create a dish that goes with their brew.

Beer? A possible chefbian guest judge? Padma paying tribute to Jennifer Beals? This challenge makes me want to Snoopy dance across the living room floor. But not all the chefs are ready to get their Peanuts on.

I love how the female cheftestants seem more excited about drinking some brewskies than the boys. Nikki says it looks like fun. Good Chicago gal Stephanie calls pairing beer to food an art, and Lisa declares her love of beer – shocking, I know. Jennifer picks the Landshark Lager.

Jennifer: My hair is like a shark fin and I got the Landshark beer. It’s kind of a lucky charm for me.

Some of the fellas, however, would apparently rather be sipping Chablis. Dale says the last thing he needs now is beer. Spike says he isn’t a beer drinker. In fact, he says it all tastes the same to him. Dude, if you think a Guinness tastes like a Bud Light, perhaps you’re not as talented a dude as you thought you were.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall – Then it’s time to drink, er, cook. Richard decides to forgo the bells and whistles and make a sandwich. Antonia doesn’t want to dumb down her dish. Dale is making pretzel-crusted pork. What, no Beer Nuts? Actually, Beer Nuts might have been a better idea, because his pretzels turn to dust in the food processor.

Jennifer is stirring the holy heck out of a seafood mixture. She confesses that she may be a lot more fired up than the rest of the contestants.

Jennifer: I am doing this for Zoi. I just like want to go in and like kick some ass.

The clock ticks to zero, and it’s time for a nice cold one. Padma and Koren sample all the offerings. Richard is first, and he calls Koren the kind of chef who is a “super connoisseur of beer.” Uh, is that code for “lesbian”?

Turns out you don’t want to sit across from Koren at the poker table. She has nary a word to say about each dish beyond “thank you.” Then she gets to Spike’s plate, which is a cutting board filled with cold cuts and clams. After she leaves unimpressed, he says she didn’t get the dish. That’s because it’s not a dish, it’s Lunchables.

By the time they wind their way to Jennifer, you can’t help but wonder if the judges have a buzz going on. In fact, Jennifer’s shrimp-and-scallop beignets seem to give Padma the munchies.

Padma: They’re still light. They don’t taste greasy.

Hair of the dog – But enough boozing; how did they do? The worst: Nikki (not much seasoning), Spike (not a united dish), Dale (not moist enough).

When Spike’s name is called, Jennifer can’t help but snicker. I can’t either. Oh, heck, let’s all snicker at the “talented dude” together.

And it just keeps getting better for the chefbians. Lisa has a few choice words for Dale’s bottom-three showing.

Lisa: After the outburst that Dale had on me I was like, good, bitch, have fun on the bottom.

Best served cold – The best: Richard (great bold flavors), Stephanie (great with the beer), Jennifer (great balance of flavors). But the winner and recipient of the much-coveted immunity? Jennifer. Savor that sweet, succulent taste of revenge, honey.

Spike has his own, shall we say, congratulatory words for Jennifer.

Spike: I’m sure she feels on top of the world after Zoi getting booted. Like, yeah lesbians, here we go!

Yeah lesbians? Yeah? Lesbians? Since he’s not wearing the hat, I’ll have to settling with calling Spike an ass right now.

Are you ready for some football – Next comes a bear of an Elimination Challenge. They are going to Soldier Field to cook at a Bears football game tailgating party.

As a Chicago native and big Bears fan, Dale is excited. Mark has never even played American football. And Jennifer just wants to full-on tackle you know who, pads or no pads.

Jennifer: The fact that Spike is still here and [Zoi] is not, that’s just total bulls—.

True that, true that.

At the grocery store, Spike swoops in and buys all the chicken wings. Dale goes for ribs. Nikki picks sausage and peppers. Richard buys 25 pounds of pork to make a pâté melt. Get it? Patty, pâté. Groan, again. How many food-based puns is this guy going to cook?

Kiwi Mark is perplexed that so many people have gone for shrimp, since it’s taking his gig: “How can I throw a shrimp on the barbie when they’re already doing it? That’s f—ing up, isn’t it?” And then he laughs.

OK, good. For a second I thought we were having a Crocodile Dundeemoment. He goes with chicken skewers and chowder.

Also having issues with the challenge is Ryan, who is emphatically not a sports fan and instead a calls himself a metrosexual.

Ryan: I spend my money on good clothes. I like to go out and dance. I think I’ve been to two football games.

His approach instead is California tailgate. Hey, I live in California – we eat wings and ribs too, Mr. Metrosexual. Though that’s a nice little snuggle moment with Mark that displays your comfort with gratuitous displays of male affection.

Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play – The chefs get two hours of prep work that night. They all vow to bring their A-games. Jennifer says she grew up surrounded by football, and her father was a huge fan. She decides to cooks a Greek dish in honor of her Greek girl, Zoi. Say it with me, aww.

Ryan is making a multi-course meal: marinated chicken thighs on bread salad and a poached-pear dessert with crème fraîche, washed down with chili-spiked cocoa. The other chefs can’t help but notice his ambitious game plan.

Richard: Ryan’s got a five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, a mint for your pillow, a glass of wine.

Well someone certainly brought their snarkiness A-game. I’d rule that an interception.

Lisa gets out a little aggression on her poor, unsuspecting skirt steak. She beats the crap out of her meat with a rolling pin. Ha ha, she said “beat her meat”! OK, sorry, I just turned into a 13-year-old boy for a minute.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in and makes his rounds. He asks Jennifer how immunity feels. Answer: great. He asks Antonia what she’s cooking. Answer: a jerk chicken sandwich. Why?

Antonia: I’m picturing big fat men that like to drink a lot of beer.

Well, thanks. I’ve just lost my appetite.

Ryan tells Tom he picked his epic meal plan because it’s simple, clean and light. But afterward he worries that so many dishes might not be that simple to pull off. Ya think?

As they all finish up, the refrigerators are so packed they have to duct tape them shut to keep things from falling out. As an added bonus, according to the United States government, that should keep the food safe from possible terrorist biological weapons attacks, too.

Rubber ducky, you’re the one – Back at the casa, everyone is ready to finally unwind. Wine flows. Bubble baths are drawn. Dale says that because it’s an individual and not a team challenge, everyone is more relaxed.

We then cut to Spike and Mark being too relaxed. Way, way too relaxed. They’re drinking bubbly in the bubbles as they share a nice, romantic bath together. Antonia says she’s only seen similar sights “in West Hollywood” and calls the scene a “cheap porno.” Clearly, she also brought her snarkiness A-game.

Spike is not deterred.

Spike: I am totally confident with my sexuality, and if I want to get in a bubble bath with Mark, the coolest guy in this house, I’m getting in a f—ing bubble bath with Mark.

No comment.

Are you ready for some football? – Game day arrives. The chefs are given the choice of shiny new gas grill or charcoal. Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to pick briquettes. Fortitude or foolishness: You decide.

The judges arrive all wearing matching No. 4 Bears jerseys. I’m guessing that’s in honor of the fourth season of Top Chef, because the guy who wears that jersey on the team now is a punter, and nobody wears the punter’s number.

I also wonder, from afar, if Quickfire judge Koren has suddenly become much stockier and butcher. But no, it’s not Koren. It’s Chicago culinary star Paul Kahan, the chef and owner of Blackbird and Avec, where she works.

Tom and Paul are having some sort of cap-wearing competition. Paul wears his to the front while Tom prefers it to the back. Does this mean something in the underground language of chefs? Is it like the hanky code?

And then it’s time to get your grub on. Like the last Elimination Challenge, the diners will again have comment cards. Unlike last time, the public’s ratings alone will determine the top and bottom three.

Hungry as a bear – The judges stop at Stephanie’s table first to try her pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad, and Gail calls it “tasty.”

Dale could care less about the judges; he has Bears legends Gale Sayers, Richard Dent and William “The Refrigerator” Perry at his table looking for food. He tells them it’s an honor. The Refrigerator tells him to get the ribs. That’s a big man – I’d get those ribs posthaste.

The judges arrive to see what’s left after The Refrigerator clears out. Dale’s tandoori marinated ribs look delicious. If I could just get a couple of those and the beer from the Quickfire, hello heaven. The judges agree, and Gail doles out another “tasty.”

Meanwhile, Spike and Ryan are working the charm angle. Spike wants to show more charisma and personality. He then proceeds to ask the crowd when the Bears last won the Super Bowl. For the love of Ditka, this dude is an idiot.

The judges come to chow down on his fire-spiced wings, and Gail declares them – you guessed it – “tasty.” Either her vocabulary is severely limited or she has some strange rule of threes she lives by.

Over at Antonia’s table, the jerk chicken with plantains and pineapples is another hit. But this time Tom breaks out the “tasty” praise. I guess Gail had her mouth full.

Now that’s cooking with gas(s) – Ryan is working the crowd even harder than Spike. He has long lines waiting, so he enlists the fans to help him. He lays it on thick. Maybe too thick.

Stephanie: Ryan is sort of a full-of-s— schmoozer guy. I’m not here to be pretty and talk really well. Some of us are just here to cook.

That was awesome. Seriously, I rewound it twice.

The judges arrive and get a full whiff of the hot air Ryan is emitting. Grilled bread this. Sherry vinaigrette that. White wine-poached the other. The Bears fans declare it too fancy and hard to eat.

Now that’s cooking with crazy – But we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Over at Andrew’s house of crazy, he’s wearing a football helmet as he prepares and serves the food.

So, what’s with the helmet?

Andrew: I wanted to show people my dedication to the art of what I do. Food is my game.

Oh Andrew, you’re like the Jenny Schechter of Top Chef. Who knows what bat guano insane thing you’re going to say next.

The judges come to try his glazed shrimp. He tries to get his helmet off, but it gets stuck on his ears. Gail does the wise thing and walks away quickly. She then declares him “a trip.” A trip or on a trip? Ahem.

Do feed Da Bears – Chefbians Lisa and Jennifer dish up their food. Jennifer serves her marinated chicken with harissa and quinoa tabbouleh to big Bears fans as well as big former Bear Dent. He is a little suspicious of the hard-to-pronounce chow and asks if it’s safe. She practically strains a neck muscle assuring him that it is.

Richard’s pâté melt goes over well with the fans. Mark, however, may need a fan to cool himself down from all the discombobulated running around he’s doing. He flips a spoon on the ground while serving Padma the corn chowder. He frantically cleans off the grill for more chicken skewers. It’s not a pretty sight. The other chefs notice, and so do the judges.

Tom: It’s an absolute disaster over there.

Stephanie appears to be faring better with her “man food.” But appearances can be deceiving. She is going through her food too quickly. Way too quickly. When the judges arrive, she is practically out of peppers and onions for her sausage. The judges are not amused.

After the challenge is over, Mark and Nikki both fret about their fate. The rest of the chefs play touch football. Cooking is a full contact sport, you know.

First and goal – The comment cards have spoken. Padma asks for Antonia, Dale and Stephanie first. Their dishes were the fan favorites. They had yummy chicken, yummy ribs and yummy pork, respectively.

While the fans pick the top three, the judges pick the winner. Who scored the touchdown? Dale.

Dale pulls that clichéd pro-athlete move and hits his chest and then points up to the heavens in thanks. Listen, the Big G doesn’t care who wins the game or who wins the challenge. She’s got better things to worry about, m’kay.

So what does he win? A Top Chef Bears jersey. That’s so much better than a trip to Italy. OK, he also wins the big honking gas grill he cooked on for the challenge. But he lives in New York, right? That thing is probably bigger than his whole apartment.

Sacking the quarterback – Dale comes back into the waiting room triumphantly, but with bad news for Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All three fumbled with the fans.

Nikki gets called out for not making her own sausage and running out of peppers and onions. Ryan gets called out for choosing a dessert that in a million years Chef Tom wouldn’t expect to see at a tailgate party. The dense gnocchi’s response was – wait a sec, are you sitting down? This could take a while.

Ryan: I wanted to have a whole dining experience at my table, and that was where I was heading. I wanted to be able to say, OK, somebody doesn’t eat chicken but, wow, there is a dessert. And doing a dessert I didn’t think was too left field … Personally I wanted to cook the way I personally would like to see a tailgate. I don’t eat heavy, I don’t eat ribs. I thought of these people and I said, ‘Cool, I’m going to do chicken. Instead of serving something on a bun I’m going to do it in the application of a salad.’

Oh, you didn’t think he was done, did you?

Ryan: I dissected a tailgate party and the caliber of people that I’m cooking with. And I’m looking at them and I’m like, I have to do something different. You know the people came up, everybody was super sweet at this event. Ladies coming up asking for recipes and why would you do that and this and that. And wow, pea stew on top of finishing a chicken, that’s quite interesting. We love it and bringing in, I hate to use the word California flare …

At this point Tom has had enough and finally makes the rambling stop.

Tom: But this challenge was not about that. This challenge was simple food to the masses.

Ryan, mercifully, has almost no reply. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Then it’s Mark’s turn to get sacked. Tom didn’t like the soup’s rough texture. Mark didn’t strain it because he didn’t feel like it. But the food wasn’t even the biggest problem. Tom takes him to task for messy presentation, cooking area and personal appearance.

Apparently he tasted the soup with a spoon, put the spoon right back in the soup and then served the judges with the same spoon. Note to self: Find out where Mark works. Never eat there.

Tom: There was more food on your apron than on your grill.

Least Valuable Player – After their sound thumping, the terrible three are sent back to stew. The judges handicap their weaknesses: Nikki’s store-bought sausage. Ryan’s inappropriate and unimpressive tailgate food.

Awaiting her fate, Nikki seems more concerned about having to endure another of Ryan’s rambles than having to pack up her knives. She commiserates with Stephanie.

Nikki: Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.

Finally Mark’s food and hygiene gets reviewed.

Tom: It was so unsanitary I felt like walking away from that table.

But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Ryan.

The schmooze loses. But not before getting in one last schmooze when he thanks the judges for the opportunity, saying “all of you are great” and shakes their hands. Afterward he says the experience made him realize he’s not “the s—.” Well, duh.

The response from his fellow cheftestants to his departure? Let’s just say it wasn’t the four-hankie tearjerker that was Zoi’s departure.

OK, fine, they all do eventually come give him a hug. Eventually.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs have to improv their pastry skills. And then they have to do improv for laughs. And we get our first polish sausage gay guy joke. Thank you very much, you’ve been a great crowd.

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