Your gym membership has been renewed — If you think working out is
exhausting, try being Jackie Warner. When she’s not up to her abs in
self-inflicted lesbian drama, designing her own line of gym wear, or playing “Who’s
got the biggest balls?” with men who challenge her, she’s fending off
crushes from housewives
from St. Louis
and finding ways to work the word “ho-bag”
into an otherwise earnest interview with AfterEllen.com.
Before we jump into
Season 3, let’s warm up with a review of the main story lines from last season.
Jackie was simultaneously
dating a woman named Tiffany and fooling around with Rebecca, her fun-loving, (previously)
Tiffany has faded into
reality show obscurity, but Rebecca remains a trainer at Sky Sport & Spa,
where she pines for that old Jackie magic while being paid to make rich people
grunt like plow horses.
Former favorite pet Jesse
couldn’t compete with Rebecca’s breasts and lost Jackie’s attention. Unhappy
about it, he went 10 rounds with his nemesis; words were exchanged, scenes were
made, water was thrown. A straight girl and a gay man fighting for her
attention — you have to admit, Jackie has charisma.
Not all her time was
spent at the gym. Jackie went home to Ohio,
where she and her mom resolved some mother-celesbian issues that have plagued
them for years.
While visiting her old
high school, Jackie is shocked to learn she wasn’t the star pupil she thought
she was. Apparently, you can go home
again; you just shouldn’t.
Her intensive training
retreat, SkyLab, was launched, inspiring Jackie to design a line of “so
cute” gym clothes for it. After a harrowing experience with a clueless
manufacturer, Jackie found a way to make her dreams into awesome poly-cotton
Beloved trainer Doug
Blasdell passed away unexpectedly, jarring the bitchy, whining trainers back to
Brian saw Doug as the gay
brother he never knew he wanted, and took his death especially hard. Suddenly, ego-sparring
with Jackie didn’t seem so important. In death, as in life, Doug brought some
temporary perspective to the circus.
Erika and the other
trainers mostly watched the train wreck from the sidelines and tried to stay
out of the line of fire.
Read more about Seasons 1 and 2 if you choose. Otherwise,
come with me to the gym. I hate going alone.