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“Top Chef Recaps” Recaps: Episode 4.5 “The Elements”

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Richard: To me, I think a rapport with Tom in this competition is an important factor.

Did he say rapport or abhor? Because the look on Tom’s face is far from charmed.

After leaving the kitchen, Tom discusses his concerns for the various team’s dishes. Richard’s sucking up was to no avail because Tom calls them “overconfident and cocky” and says that’s when mistakes can creep in. Oh great oracle of food, tell us more.

A fishy situation – As the clock winds down, Team Water are slow to plate their salmon. Making matters worse, once they start plating they find scales still on the fish. Tom was right, mistakes have crept in. Wow, can he pick my lottery numbers for me next week?

Team Earth are finishing their dishes when Spike asks if they’re all happy with the seasoning on the mushrooms. Zoi says she wants to keep it light on purpose.

All the waiters in their black shirts and red ties parade in, and it’s time to serve up some grub. Team Water’s poached salmon is first. Chef Tsai finds five scales on his fish. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when a master chef has to spit out some of your dish, it’s probably a bad sign.

Mmm, goes Padma, mmm – Team Fire’s shrimp follows. Padma makes yummy noises and deems it “amazing.” She even licks her knife, again. Geez, some utensils have all the luck.

Team Air are next, serving their duck accompanied by a little pomegranate aperitif. Sadly, they didn’t score the duck breast to render the fat, and the little drink annoyed Tom. The first rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t annoy Tom.

And then it’s Team Earth’s turn to wow them with thinly sliced beef and mushrooms. The judges dig in, and then after tasting the mushrooms judge Gail Simmons says: “Is there rosemary in there? Yeah, that’s a bad choice.” Tom then labels the dish bland and its ingredients not earthy. The second rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t make mushrooms. Seriously, those frustrating fungi are deal breakers almost every season.

Fill in the blank – With all the meals served, it’s time for the diners to fill out their comment cards. For the first time this season, the audience eating the food along with the judges will have a say in who packs his or her knives. Antonia is confident they aren’t on the bottom. Gosh, what was Tom saying about overconfidence earlier?

The judges huddle and discuss each dish. Padma and Gail rave about the shrimp. Tom says it was the bacon that made the dish, and they all agree.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Lisa: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted], bacon.

Dale grumbles to the cameras about her negativity. Something tells me they won’t be braiding each other’s hair back at the house.

Tried to make me go to chefhab – Team Air have their own worries. Ryan is running around like the chicken the team decided not to use with its head chopped off. He forgets to save some pomegranate juice for their aperitif. Nikki thinks he needs to chill out. I think she needs to reconsider using Amy Winehouse as her hairstylist.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his spot inspection of the troops. When he gets to Team Water, Richard starts kissing up immediately. You can practically hear him pucker up. Was that a pun about blue aprons and water? Oh, that’ll win Tom over for sure. You know he’s a sucker for color-based humor.

Richard: To me, I think a rapport with Tom in this competition is an important factor.

Did he say rapport or abhor? Because the look on Tom’s face is far from charmed.

After leaving the kitchen, Tom discusses his concerns for the various team’s dishes. Richard’s sucking up was to no avail because Tom calls them “overconfident and cocky” and says that’s when mistakes can creep in. Oh great oracle of food, tell us more.

A fishy situation – As the clock winds down, Team Water are slow to plate their salmon. Making matters worse, once they start plating they find scales still on the fish. Tom was right, mistakes have crept in. Wow, can he pick my lottery numbers for me next week?

Team Earth are finishing their dishes when Spike asks if they’re all happy with the seasoning on the mushrooms. Zoi says she wants to keep it light on purpose.

All the waiters in their black shirts and red ties parade in, and it’s time to serve up some grub. Team Water’s poached salmon is first. Chef Tsai finds five scales on his fish. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when a master chef has to spit out some of your dish, it’s probably a bad sign.

Mmm, goes Padma, mmm – Team Fire’s shrimp follows. Padma makes yummy noises and deems it “amazing.” She even licks her knife, again. Geez, some utensils have all the luck.

Team Air are next, serving their duck accompanied by a little pomegranate aperitif. Sadly, they didn’t score the duck breast to render the fat, and the little drink annoyed Tom. The first rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t annoy Tom.

And then it’s Team Earth’s turn to wow them with thinly sliced beef and mushrooms. The judges dig in, and then after tasting the mushrooms judge Gail Simmons says: “Is there rosemary in there? Yeah, that’s a bad choice.” Tom then labels the dish bland and its ingredients not earthy. The second rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t make mushrooms. Seriously, those frustrating fungi are deal breakers almost every season.

Fill in the blank – With all the meals served, it’s time for the diners to fill out their comment cards. For the first time this season, the audience eating the food along with the judges will have a say in who packs his or her knives. Antonia is confident they aren’t on the bottom. Gosh, what was Tom saying about overconfidence earlier?

The judges huddle and discuss each dish. Padma and Gail rave about the shrimp. Tom says it was the bacon that made the dish, and they all agree.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Spike: Unless you’re going to take two women and strangle them, there comes a time when you’ve got to just roll with it and try to do as best as you can.

OK, can we just address this comment for a second? What’s this about strangling women? I take back my tacit agreement with him from earlier. He has officially moved from simple asshat to misogynistic asshat. Seriously, how stupid is that hat?

Then Team Fire overhear Team Earth order filet for their carpaccio. So they decide to change their beef tartar dish on the fly. Stephanie offers grilled shrimp as an olive branch to Dale and Lisa. And, hallelujah, a decision is made.

Cook till you drop – Once the groceries are bought, the chefs head to the old Marshall Field’s department store for two and a half hours of prepping and cooking.

Spike is still not excited about the carpaccio and brings up his beloved butternut squash soup for the 6,000th time. But whining time is over; it’s time to work.

Lisa is preparing her special bacon. Mmm, bacon … Sorry, did I just lapse into a Homer Simpson there for a moment? She lays out all the bacon in neat, overlapping strips and then puts a “gooey, sticky” miso glaze over the top. Miso bacon? Someone get IHOP on the phone.

Team Air busy themselves with their duck. As Jennifer puts a pan of duck legs into the oven, she quips, “Nice legs.” Thank you, thank you. She’ll be here all week.

Over on Team Fire, Lisa is really fuming. In fact, I’d love to quote her but it would go something like this:

Lisa: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted], bacon.

Dale grumbles to the cameras about her negativity. Something tells me they won’t be braiding each other’s hair back at the house.

Tried to make me go to chefhab – Team Air have their own worries. Ryan is running around like the chicken the team decided not to use with its head chopped off. He forgets to save some pomegranate juice for their aperitif. Nikki thinks he needs to chill out. I think she needs to reconsider using Amy Winehouse as her hairstylist.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his spot inspection of the troops. When he gets to Team Water, Richard starts kissing up immediately. You can practically hear him pucker up. Was that a pun about blue aprons and water? Oh, that’ll win Tom over for sure. You know he’s a sucker for color-based humor.

Richard: To me, I think a rapport with Tom in this competition is an important factor.

Did he say rapport or abhor? Because the look on Tom’s face is far from charmed.

After leaving the kitchen, Tom discusses his concerns for the various team’s dishes. Richard’s sucking up was to no avail because Tom calls them “overconfident and cocky” and says that’s when mistakes can creep in. Oh great oracle of food, tell us more.

A fishy situation – As the clock winds down, Team Water are slow to plate their salmon. Making matters worse, once they start plating they find scales still on the fish. Tom was right, mistakes have crept in. Wow, can he pick my lottery numbers for me next week?

Team Earth are finishing their dishes when Spike asks if they’re all happy with the seasoning on the mushrooms. Zoi says she wants to keep it light on purpose.

All the waiters in their black shirts and red ties parade in, and it’s time to serve up some grub. Team Water’s poached salmon is first. Chef Tsai finds five scales on his fish. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when a master chef has to spit out some of your dish, it’s probably a bad sign.

Mmm, goes Padma, mmm – Team Fire’s shrimp follows. Padma makes yummy noises and deems it “amazing.” She even licks her knife, again. Geez, some utensils have all the luck.

Team Air are next, serving their duck accompanied by a little pomegranate aperitif. Sadly, they didn’t score the duck breast to render the fat, and the little drink annoyed Tom. The first rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t annoy Tom.

And then it’s Team Earth’s turn to wow them with thinly sliced beef and mushrooms. The judges dig in, and then after tasting the mushrooms judge Gail Simmons says: “Is there rosemary in there? Yeah, that’s a bad choice.” Tom then labels the dish bland and its ingredients not earthy. The second rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t make mushrooms. Seriously, those frustrating fungi are deal breakers almost every season.

Fill in the blank – With all the meals served, it’s time for the diners to fill out their comment cards. For the first time this season, the audience eating the food along with the judges will have a say in who packs his or her knives. Antonia is confident they aren’t on the bottom. Gosh, what was Tom saying about overconfidence earlier?

The judges huddle and discuss each dish. Padma and Gail rave about the shrimp. Tom says it was the bacon that made the dish, and they all agree.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Zoi: I’m a little irritated that Jen beat me. I want to be able to have bragging rights, you know. Whatever, she beat me by one.

Oh, but you know she’s going to lord that one point over you for years to come, honey.

Who won the challenge? Antonia with 12 out of 15. So she and her blindfold fetish good palate win immunity.

You’re a shining star – Next, Padma lays out the Elimination Challenge. Sadly, there are no blindfolds involved. Instead, they will be cooking for the Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball. The charity event is catered by the city’s best chefs. They will create the second through fourth courses, and the cheftestants must work in teams to cook the first course.

Chef Tsai gives them a few words of advice: Keep it simple, execute it perfectly, and “taste, taste, taste – and that comes from your palate.”

They will be cooking based on the evening’s theme of “The Four Elements,” so each dish will be inspired by earth, water, fire and air. At this point I start humming an Earth, Wind & Fire song. What? You know you did too, don’t lie.

They draw knives to break into four teams of three. Who got what? Water: Richard, Andrew, Mark. Air: Jennifer, Ryan, Nikki. Fire: Dale, Stephanie, Lisa. Earth: Zoi, Spike, Antonia. They get 15 minutes to plan their menus.

A periodic tabling of elements – Jennifer on Team Air immediately thinks of making a bird-based dish of duck or chicken: “something that flies.” Um, I hate to break this to you, but chickens don’t really fly all that well.

Team Earth wrestle with what to make as well. Spike suggests butternut squash soup. Antonia thinks soup is too basic for the team’s $500 grocery budget and won’t showcase quality enough. Zoi agrees, but Spike still isn’t convinced. He says that with Antonia’s immunity, it’s Zoi and him with the most to lose. I hate to say this, but Spike and his stupid hat have a point.

They decide on beef carpaccio instead. I don’t know why that says earth, exactly. I mean, I guess cows walk on the earth.

Over at Team Fire, they are being true to their name and fiery in their discussion about what to make. Dale wants to do a seared beef tartar wrapped around a deviled egg. But Lisa is “totally not having it.” Hello, showdown.

In the grocery store, the chefs pore over the ingredients. Team Water decide to make poached salmon. Get it? Fish cooked in water. Groan. Team Air decide on duck, which could have just as easily gone to Team Water. But, hey, at least it’s more aerodynamic than a chicken.

Fire the chef – The members of Team Fire, however, are nowhere near a decision. They hardly make it in the front door before they start arguing about what to make. Lisa and Dale go back and forth. She wants to go Asian to knock Chef Tsai’s “pants off.” Way to aim big, girl. Most people just settle for socks.

Over at Team Earth, Spike wonders aloud whether carpaccio, vinaigrette and a salad are enough to wow the judges. Antonia assures him they’re going for quality. He still isn’t “enjoying” the idea but eventually resigns himself to the dish.

Spike: Unless you’re going to take two women and strangle them, there comes a time when you’ve got to just roll with it and try to do as best as you can.

OK, can we just address this comment for a second? What’s this about strangling women? I take back my tacit agreement with him from earlier. He has officially moved from simple asshat to misogynistic asshat. Seriously, how stupid is that hat?

Then Team Fire overhear Team Earth order filet for their carpaccio. So they decide to change their beef tartar dish on the fly. Stephanie offers grilled shrimp as an olive branch to Dale and Lisa. And, hallelujah, a decision is made.

Cook till you drop – Once the groceries are bought, the chefs head to the old Marshall Field’s department store for two and a half hours of prepping and cooking.

Spike is still not excited about the carpaccio and brings up his beloved butternut squash soup for the 6,000th time. But whining time is over; it’s time to work.

Lisa is preparing her special bacon. Mmm, bacon … Sorry, did I just lapse into a Homer Simpson there for a moment? She lays out all the bacon in neat, overlapping strips and then puts a “gooey, sticky” miso glaze over the top. Miso bacon? Someone get IHOP on the phone.

Team Air busy themselves with their duck. As Jennifer puts a pan of duck legs into the oven, she quips, “Nice legs.” Thank you, thank you. She’ll be here all week.

Over on Team Fire, Lisa is really fuming. In fact, I’d love to quote her but it would go something like this:

Lisa: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted], bacon.

Dale grumbles to the cameras about her negativity. Something tells me they won’t be braiding each other’s hair back at the house.

Tried to make me go to chefhab – Team Air have their own worries. Ryan is running around like the chicken the team decided not to use with its head chopped off. He forgets to save some pomegranate juice for their aperitif. Nikki thinks he needs to chill out. I think she needs to reconsider using Amy Winehouse as her hairstylist.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his spot inspection of the troops. When he gets to Team Water, Richard starts kissing up immediately. You can practically hear him pucker up. Was that a pun about blue aprons and water? Oh, that’ll win Tom over for sure. You know he’s a sucker for color-based humor.

Richard: To me, I think a rapport with Tom in this competition is an important factor.

Did he say rapport or abhor? Because the look on Tom’s face is far from charmed.

After leaving the kitchen, Tom discusses his concerns for the various team’s dishes. Richard’s sucking up was to no avail because Tom calls them “overconfident and cocky” and says that’s when mistakes can creep in. Oh great oracle of food, tell us more.

A fishy situation – As the clock winds down, Team Water are slow to plate their salmon. Making matters worse, once they start plating they find scales still on the fish. Tom was right, mistakes have crept in. Wow, can he pick my lottery numbers for me next week?

Team Earth are finishing their dishes when Spike asks if they’re all happy with the seasoning on the mushrooms. Zoi says she wants to keep it light on purpose.

All the waiters in their black shirts and red ties parade in, and it’s time to serve up some grub. Team Water’s poached salmon is first. Chef Tsai finds five scales on his fish. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when a master chef has to spit out some of your dish, it’s probably a bad sign.

Mmm, goes Padma, mmm – Team Fire’s shrimp follows. Padma makes yummy noises and deems it “amazing.” She even licks her knife, again. Geez, some utensils have all the luck.

Team Air are next, serving their duck accompanied by a little pomegranate aperitif. Sadly, they didn’t score the duck breast to render the fat, and the little drink annoyed Tom. The first rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t annoy Tom.

And then it’s Team Earth’s turn to wow them with thinly sliced beef and mushrooms. The judges dig in, and then after tasting the mushrooms judge Gail Simmons says: “Is there rosemary in there? Yeah, that’s a bad choice.” Tom then labels the dish bland and its ingredients not earthy. The second rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t make mushrooms. Seriously, those frustrating fungi are deal breakers almost every season.

Fill in the blank – With all the meals served, it’s time for the diners to fill out their comment cards. For the first time this season, the audience eating the food along with the judges will have a say in who packs his or her knives. Antonia is confident they aren’t on the bottom. Gosh, what was Tom saying about overconfidence earlier?

The judges huddle and discuss each dish. Padma and Gail rave about the shrimp. Tom says it was the bacon that made the dish, and they all agree.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

Zoi: I definitely feel like I deserve to be here today so waking up feels good. I am trying not to be irritated and pissed about the fact that we got jacked on the last one. But it’s kind of good, it kind of lights a little fire under your ass.

Ever the good girlfriend, Jennifer concurs heartily. She even calls herself a fan of Zoi. Aww, it’s a chefbian solidarity moment. It’s also a chefbian requisite novelty T-shirt moment. Look at the San Franciscan calling out the Big Apple with her “more hugging, less mugging” shirt.

Oh say can you see – As the dozen remaining cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma is waiting for them with guest judge Ming Tsai, chef and owner of the Blue Ginger restaurant in Boston. Today’s Quickfire is – dun-dun-dun – the dreaded blind taste test. Well, dreaded by some, savored by others.

The sensitivity of the chefs’ palates will be gauged with a blind taste test. Just how blind? This blind.

Padma with a blindfold? Best. Idea. Ever. At this point I feel like I should send the producers of Top Chef a thank you card or a muffin basket.

The chefs will be blindfolded and given two items to taste. One is a high-end version and the other is a cheaper substitute. They get 20 seconds to decide which is the better item, and the one who picks the most right, wins. Basically, it’s a snobby version of the Pepsi Challenge.

Taster’s choice – The chefs come in one by one to test their palates. Ryan says he is looking for salty, fatty, overly sweet foods as dead giveaways for low quality. Stephanie says she is looking for the more flavorful options. She then proceeds to pick imitation crab instead of fresh crab. I briefly consider taking away her honorary chefbian status.

The rest of the chefs come and go. Lisa is nervous, and not just because she looks like Zorro the Masked Chef in her blindfold. She knocks over the water bottle. She then says that the entire thing would have been easier without the blindfold. Uh, I think that’s the point.

Dale does well on the chocolate and gets all the “Asian ingredients right.” Caviar, however, is his Waterloo, as he picks the $2.50 version over the $17 stuff. How will he ever show his face in the gourmet market again?

Antonia is the most excited about the challenge. She says it’s because her palate is very, very good. I think she might have a secret blindfold fetish.

Check your scorecard – After all the ingredients are sampled, it’s time to see how they did. The worst: Stephanie, with six out of 15 right. The best: runners-up Ryan and Jennifer, with 11 out of 15 each.

Zoi: I’m a little irritated that Jen beat me. I want to be able to have bragging rights, you know. Whatever, she beat me by one.

Oh, but you know she’s going to lord that one point over you for years to come, honey.

Who won the challenge? Antonia with 12 out of 15. So she and her blindfold fetish good palate win immunity.

You’re a shining star – Next, Padma lays out the Elimination Challenge. Sadly, there are no blindfolds involved. Instead, they will be cooking for the Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball. The charity event is catered by the city’s best chefs. They will create the second through fourth courses, and the cheftestants must work in teams to cook the first course.

Chef Tsai gives them a few words of advice: Keep it simple, execute it perfectly, and “taste, taste, taste – and that comes from your palate.”

They will be cooking based on the evening’s theme of “The Four Elements,” so each dish will be inspired by earth, water, fire and air. At this point I start humming an Earth, Wind & Fire song. What? You know you did too, don’t lie.

They draw knives to break into four teams of three. Who got what? Water: Richard, Andrew, Mark. Air: Jennifer, Ryan, Nikki. Fire: Dale, Stephanie, Lisa. Earth: Zoi, Spike, Antonia. They get 15 minutes to plan their menus.

A periodic tabling of elements – Jennifer on Team Air immediately thinks of making a bird-based dish of duck or chicken: “something that flies.” Um, I hate to break this to you, but chickens don’t really fly all that well.

Team Earth wrestle with what to make as well. Spike suggests butternut squash soup. Antonia thinks soup is too basic for the team’s $500 grocery budget and won’t showcase quality enough. Zoi agrees, but Spike still isn’t convinced. He says that with Antonia’s immunity, it’s Zoi and him with the most to lose. I hate to say this, but Spike and his stupid hat have a point.

They decide on beef carpaccio instead. I don’t know why that says earth, exactly. I mean, I guess cows walk on the earth.

Over at Team Fire, they are being true to their name and fiery in their discussion about what to make. Dale wants to do a seared beef tartar wrapped around a deviled egg. But Lisa is “totally not having it.” Hello, showdown.

In the grocery store, the chefs pore over the ingredients. Team Water decide to make poached salmon. Get it? Fish cooked in water. Groan. Team Air decide on duck, which could have just as easily gone to Team Water. But, hey, at least it’s more aerodynamic than a chicken.

Fire the chef – The members of Team Fire, however, are nowhere near a decision. They hardly make it in the front door before they start arguing about what to make. Lisa and Dale go back and forth. She wants to go Asian to knock Chef Tsai’s “pants off.” Way to aim big, girl. Most people just settle for socks.

Over at Team Earth, Spike wonders aloud whether carpaccio, vinaigrette and a salad are enough to wow the judges. Antonia assures him they’re going for quality. He still isn’t “enjoying” the idea but eventually resigns himself to the dish.

Spike: Unless you’re going to take two women and strangle them, there comes a time when you’ve got to just roll with it and try to do as best as you can.

OK, can we just address this comment for a second? What’s this about strangling women? I take back my tacit agreement with him from earlier. He has officially moved from simple asshat to misogynistic asshat. Seriously, how stupid is that hat?

Then Team Fire overhear Team Earth order filet for their carpaccio. So they decide to change their beef tartar dish on the fly. Stephanie offers grilled shrimp as an olive branch to Dale and Lisa. And, hallelujah, a decision is made.

Cook till you drop – Once the groceries are bought, the chefs head to the old Marshall Field’s department store for two and a half hours of prepping and cooking.

Spike is still not excited about the carpaccio and brings up his beloved butternut squash soup for the 6,000th time. But whining time is over; it’s time to work.

Lisa is preparing her special bacon. Mmm, bacon … Sorry, did I just lapse into a Homer Simpson there for a moment? She lays out all the bacon in neat, overlapping strips and then puts a “gooey, sticky” miso glaze over the top. Miso bacon? Someone get IHOP on the phone.

Team Air busy themselves with their duck. As Jennifer puts a pan of duck legs into the oven, she quips, “Nice legs.” Thank you, thank you. She’ll be here all week.

Over on Team Fire, Lisa is really fuming. In fact, I’d love to quote her but it would go something like this:

Lisa: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted], bacon.

Dale grumbles to the cameras about her negativity. Something tells me they won’t be braiding each other’s hair back at the house.

Tried to make me go to chefhab – Team Air have their own worries. Ryan is running around like the chicken the team decided not to use with its head chopped off. He forgets to save some pomegranate juice for their aperitif. Nikki thinks he needs to chill out. I think she needs to reconsider using Amy Winehouse as her hairstylist.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his spot inspection of the troops. When he gets to Team Water, Richard starts kissing up immediately. You can practically hear him pucker up. Was that a pun about blue aprons and water? Oh, that’ll win Tom over for sure. You know he’s a sucker for color-based humor.

Richard: To me, I think a rapport with Tom in this competition is an important factor.

Did he say rapport or abhor? Because the look on Tom’s face is far from charmed.

After leaving the kitchen, Tom discusses his concerns for the various team’s dishes. Richard’s sucking up was to no avail because Tom calls them “overconfident and cocky” and says that’s when mistakes can creep in. Oh great oracle of food, tell us more.

A fishy situation – As the clock winds down, Team Water are slow to plate their salmon. Making matters worse, once they start plating they find scales still on the fish. Tom was right, mistakes have crept in. Wow, can he pick my lottery numbers for me next week?

Team Earth are finishing their dishes when Spike asks if they’re all happy with the seasoning on the mushrooms. Zoi says she wants to keep it light on purpose.

All the waiters in their black shirts and red ties parade in, and it’s time to serve up some grub. Team Water’s poached salmon is first. Chef Tsai finds five scales on his fish. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when a master chef has to spit out some of your dish, it’s probably a bad sign.

Mmm, goes Padma, mmm – Team Fire’s shrimp follows. Padma makes yummy noises and deems it “amazing.” She even licks her knife, again. Geez, some utensils have all the luck.

Team Air are next, serving their duck accompanied by a little pomegranate aperitif. Sadly, they didn’t score the duck breast to render the fat, and the little drink annoyed Tom. The first rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t annoy Tom.

And then it’s Team Earth’s turn to wow them with thinly sliced beef and mushrooms. The judges dig in, and then after tasting the mushrooms judge Gail Simmons says: “Is there rosemary in there? Yeah, that’s a bad choice.” Tom then labels the dish bland and its ingredients not earthy. The second rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t make mushrooms. Seriously, those frustrating fungi are deal breakers almost every season.

Fill in the blank – With all the meals served, it’s time for the diners to fill out their comment cards. For the first time this season, the audience eating the food along with the judges will have a say in who packs his or her knives. Antonia is confident they aren’t on the bottom. Gosh, what was Tom saying about overconfidence earlier?

The judges huddle and discuss each dish. Padma and Gail rave about the shrimp. Tom says it was the bacon that made the dish, and they all agree.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

THIS WEEK’S KITCHEN ESSENTIALS:

Quickfire: See no evil, taste no evil. Elimination: Elemental, my dear Colicchio. Padmaism: “I am going to blindfold you.”

Don’t get out of bed angry – It’s morning, but not such a good one for all the cheftestants. Antonia and Zoi are still mad about making the bottom two for the film food Elimination Challenge. Antonia uses colorful language. Zoi uses language we can publish.

Zoi: I definitely feel like I deserve to be here today so waking up feels good. I am trying not to be irritated and pissed about the fact that we got jacked on the last one. But it’s kind of good, it kind of lights a little fire under your ass.

Ever the good girlfriend, Jennifer concurs heartily. She even calls herself a fan of Zoi. Aww, it’s a chefbian solidarity moment. It’s also a chefbian requisite novelty T-shirt moment. Look at the San Franciscan calling out the Big Apple with her “more hugging, less mugging” shirt.

Oh say can you see – As the dozen remaining cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma is waiting for them with guest judge Ming Tsai, chef and owner of the Blue Ginger restaurant in Boston. Today’s Quickfire is – dun-dun-dun – the dreaded blind taste test. Well, dreaded by some, savored by others.

The sensitivity of the chefs’ palates will be gauged with a blind taste test. Just how blind? This blind.

Padma with a blindfold? Best. Idea. Ever. At this point I feel like I should send the producers of Top Chef a thank you card or a muffin basket.

The chefs will be blindfolded and given two items to taste. One is a high-end version and the other is a cheaper substitute. They get 20 seconds to decide which is the better item, and the one who picks the most right, wins. Basically, it’s a snobby version of the Pepsi Challenge.

Taster’s choice – The chefs come in one by one to test their palates. Ryan says he is looking for salty, fatty, overly sweet foods as dead giveaways for low quality. Stephanie says she is looking for the more flavorful options. She then proceeds to pick imitation crab instead of fresh crab. I briefly consider taking away her honorary chefbian status.

The rest of the chefs come and go. Lisa is nervous, and not just because she looks like Zorro the Masked Chef in her blindfold. She knocks over the water bottle. She then says that the entire thing would have been easier without the blindfold. Uh, I think that’s the point.

Dale does well on the chocolate and gets all the “Asian ingredients right.” Caviar, however, is his Waterloo, as he picks the $2.50 version over the $17 stuff. How will he ever show his face in the gourmet market again?

Antonia is the most excited about the challenge. She says it’s because her palate is very, very good. I think she might have a secret blindfold fetish.

Check your scorecard – After all the ingredients are sampled, it’s time to see how they did. The worst: Stephanie, with six out of 15 right. The best: runners-up Ryan and Jennifer, with 11 out of 15 each.

Zoi: I’m a little irritated that Jen beat me. I want to be able to have bragging rights, you know. Whatever, she beat me by one.

Oh, but you know she’s going to lord that one point over you for years to come, honey.

Who won the challenge? Antonia with 12 out of 15. So she and her blindfold fetish good palate win immunity.

You’re a shining star – Next, Padma lays out the Elimination Challenge. Sadly, there are no blindfolds involved. Instead, they will be cooking for the Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball. The charity event is catered by the city’s best chefs. They will create the second through fourth courses, and the cheftestants must work in teams to cook the first course.

Chef Tsai gives them a few words of advice: Keep it simple, execute it perfectly, and “taste, taste, taste – and that comes from your palate.”

They will be cooking based on the evening’s theme of “The Four Elements,” so each dish will be inspired by earth, water, fire and air. At this point I start humming an Earth, Wind & Fire song. What? You know you did too, don’t lie.

They draw knives to break into four teams of three. Who got what? Water: Richard, Andrew, Mark. Air: Jennifer, Ryan, Nikki. Fire: Dale, Stephanie, Lisa. Earth: Zoi, Spike, Antonia. They get 15 minutes to plan their menus.

A periodic tabling of elements – Jennifer on Team Air immediately thinks of making a bird-based dish of duck or chicken: “something that flies.” Um, I hate to break this to you, but chickens don’t really fly all that well.

Team Earth wrestle with what to make as well. Spike suggests butternut squash soup. Antonia thinks soup is too basic for the team’s $500 grocery budget and won’t showcase quality enough. Zoi agrees, but Spike still isn’t convinced. He says that with Antonia’s immunity, it’s Zoi and him with the most to lose. I hate to say this, but Spike and his stupid hat have a point.

They decide on beef carpaccio instead. I don’t know why that says earth, exactly. I mean, I guess cows walk on the earth.

Over at Team Fire, they are being true to their name and fiery in their discussion about what to make. Dale wants to do a seared beef tartar wrapped around a deviled egg. But Lisa is “totally not having it.” Hello, showdown.

In the grocery store, the chefs pore over the ingredients. Team Water decide to make poached salmon. Get it? Fish cooked in water. Groan. Team Air decide on duck, which could have just as easily gone to Team Water. But, hey, at least it’s more aerodynamic than a chicken.

Fire the chef – The members of Team Fire, however, are nowhere near a decision. They hardly make it in the front door before they start arguing about what to make. Lisa and Dale go back and forth. She wants to go Asian to knock Chef Tsai’s “pants off.” Way to aim big, girl. Most people just settle for socks.

Over at Team Earth, Spike wonders aloud whether carpaccio, vinaigrette and a salad are enough to wow the judges. Antonia assures him they’re going for quality. He still isn’t “enjoying” the idea but eventually resigns himself to the dish.

Spike: Unless you’re going to take two women and strangle them, there comes a time when you’ve got to just roll with it and try to do as best as you can.

OK, can we just address this comment for a second? What’s this about strangling women? I take back my tacit agreement with him from earlier. He has officially moved from simple asshat to misogynistic asshat. Seriously, how stupid is that hat?

Then Team Fire overhear Team Earth order filet for their carpaccio. So they decide to change their beef tartar dish on the fly. Stephanie offers grilled shrimp as an olive branch to Dale and Lisa. And, hallelujah, a decision is made.

Cook till you drop – Once the groceries are bought, the chefs head to the old Marshall Field’s department store for two and a half hours of prepping and cooking.

Spike is still not excited about the carpaccio and brings up his beloved butternut squash soup for the 6,000th time. But whining time is over; it’s time to work.

Lisa is preparing her special bacon. Mmm, bacon … Sorry, did I just lapse into a Homer Simpson there for a moment? She lays out all the bacon in neat, overlapping strips and then puts a “gooey, sticky” miso glaze over the top. Miso bacon? Someone get IHOP on the phone.

Team Air busy themselves with their duck. As Jennifer puts a pan of duck legs into the oven, she quips, “Nice legs.” Thank you, thank you. She’ll be here all week.

Over on Team Fire, Lisa is really fuming. In fact, I’d love to quote her but it would go something like this:

Lisa: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted], bacon.

Dale grumbles to the cameras about her negativity. Something tells me they won’t be braiding each other’s hair back at the house.

Tried to make me go to chefhab – Team Air have their own worries. Ryan is running around like the chicken the team decided not to use with its head chopped off. He forgets to save some pomegranate juice for their aperitif. Nikki thinks he needs to chill out. I think she needs to reconsider using Amy Winehouse as her hairstylist.

Head judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his spot inspection of the troops. When he gets to Team Water, Richard starts kissing up immediately. You can practically hear him pucker up. Was that a pun about blue aprons and water? Oh, that’ll win Tom over for sure. You know he’s a sucker for color-based humor.

Richard: To me, I think a rapport with Tom in this competition is an important factor.

Did he say rapport or abhor? Because the look on Tom’s face is far from charmed.

After leaving the kitchen, Tom discusses his concerns for the various team’s dishes. Richard’s sucking up was to no avail because Tom calls them “overconfident and cocky” and says that’s when mistakes can creep in. Oh great oracle of food, tell us more.

A fishy situation – As the clock winds down, Team Water are slow to plate their salmon. Making matters worse, once they start plating they find scales still on the fish. Tom was right, mistakes have crept in. Wow, can he pick my lottery numbers for me next week?

Team Earth are finishing their dishes when Spike asks if they’re all happy with the seasoning on the mushrooms. Zoi says she wants to keep it light on purpose.

All the waiters in their black shirts and red ties parade in, and it’s time to serve up some grub. Team Water’s poached salmon is first. Chef Tsai finds five scales on his fish. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when a master chef has to spit out some of your dish, it’s probably a bad sign.

Mmm, goes Padma, mmm – Team Fire’s shrimp follows. Padma makes yummy noises and deems it “amazing.” She even licks her knife, again. Geez, some utensils have all the luck.

Team Air are next, serving their duck accompanied by a little pomegranate aperitif. Sadly, they didn’t score the duck breast to render the fat, and the little drink annoyed Tom. The first rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t annoy Tom.

And then it’s Team Earth’s turn to wow them with thinly sliced beef and mushrooms. The judges dig in, and then after tasting the mushrooms judge Gail Simmons says: “Is there rosemary in there? Yeah, that’s a bad choice.” Tom then labels the dish bland and its ingredients not earthy. The second rule of Top Chef Club: Don’t make mushrooms. Seriously, those frustrating fungi are deal breakers almost every season.

Fill in the blank – With all the meals served, it’s time for the diners to fill out their comment cards. For the first time this season, the audience eating the food along with the judges will have a say in who packs his or her knives. Antonia is confident they aren’t on the bottom. Gosh, what was Tom saying about overconfidence earlier?

The judges huddle and discuss each dish. Padma and Gail rave about the shrimp. Tom says it was the bacon that made the dish, and they all agree.

Gail: Bacon added to anything is not a bad situation.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Team Water gets called out for their scaly, textureless fish. Team Air gets called out for not having a clear concept. And then there is Team Earth. Turns out the salad and mushrooms had almost no flavor.

Tom: This is cooking 101: Season your food. That really bothers me more than anything else.

Meanwhile, Team Earth are high fiving each other in the kitchen. File that under: Things that can’t end well.

Team Fire decide to burn their Fire sign for good luck. Team Water consider drowning themselves instead, thanks to the mushy fish.

Light my fire – The chefs convene in the waiting room to learn their fate. Padma brightens the doorway and calls for Team Fire to come to the Judges’ Table. Once there, they get the good news. Their fiery dish (not to mention attitudes) was their favorite. The judges praise each component and then reveal that the winning chef will get a five-night trip for two to Italy.

Chef Tsai picks Lisa and her miso bacon as the winner because it was a technique he had never seen before. Our first chefbian win! I’m not sure, but I think Lisa is happy about her free trip to Italy.

Speaking of which, is she single? Because that’s a trip for two. Ahem.

But not everyone is as ecstatic.

Dale: She made bacon and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you f—ing kidding me? I’m bitter.

Some bad elements – The winning fire starters return to the waiting room and give teams Earth and Water the bad news.

Team Water get doused first. The fish was mushy and the scaly. When Gail asks if Richard cleaned the fish, he does the old play dumb routine and responds as if confused, “Uh, in what regard?” And when Padma tells him half the people at their table had scales, he continues his incredulity. Scales? What scales?

Oh, Richard. First you’re a suck-up and now you’re a bad actor.

Andrew and Mark get their comeuppance, too, as the judges pick apart their contributions. Bottom line: Water wiped out.

Dishonor the earth – Switching their attention to Team Earth, the judges reveal that au naturale wasn’t the way to go, either. They say that every element on the plate needed more seasoning.

Zoi tries to talk her way out of her bland mushroom hole.

Zoi: Our concern as a team was we didn’t want to overpower the meat. So maybe in our attempt to not overpower we did just the opposite … I tasted the mushrooms … they were really, really good … I am not one with a light hand in terms of seasoning. I like really strong-flavored foods …

Too much talking, not enough shoveling.

Then it’s Spike’s turn to talk. He says he originally wanted to do a butternut squash soup. Antonia chimes in that she was against it. The judges ask whether she should have been so forceful, given her immunity.

Antonia: That didn’t stop me from voicing … Spike: It didn’t stop you at all, actually.

I believe it is what we like to call on between those two. Adding insult to injury, Chef Tsai says he thinks soup is a brilliant dish to start out with. Damn hindsight and its perfect vision.

Spike takes Chef Tsai’s hypothetical soup praise as an invitation to be more of an asshat.

Spike: I should listen to myself … I should yell, I should do whatever it takes to do what I want to do. But no, I’m too nice. I listen to people, I get convinced.

Unhappy second-guessing goes all around as Jennifer, still ever the good girlfriend, comforts Zoi.

Jennifer: You are someone to be reckoned with. You are an amazing chef.

Back at Judges’ Table, they grouse about the scaly fish. But the comment cards all scored the carpaccio worst. Tom wishes he could kick out both Spike and Zoi, but says, “That whole dish hinged on those mushrooms, and she made those mushrooms.” Silly me, I assumed a carpaccio would hinge on the carpaccio.

So, no big mystery, who had to pack her knives and go? Zoi.

Alas, in the same episode we have both our fist chefbian winner and our first chefbian loser. We also have our first chefbian kisses. It’s bittersweet, but still sweet.

Needless to say, good girlfriend Jennifer does not take the news well.

Jennifer: What? Are you f—ing kidding me.

In fact, no one takes the news well. Tears well up and are wiped away all around.

Zoi: I don’t regret anything that happened. The fact that Jen and I got to do this together is pretty amazing. I think it’s cool that we got to show people that you can be a couple and be professional and still compete in this kind of arena … Whatever happens, we have a good life and we have people that love us and support us. We’ll go on. Who knows what will happen. It will be interesting to see.

But it’s far from over once Zoi packs her knives and leaves. First, Spike and Antonia go at it over the butternut squash soup that never was. He says she should have taken a backseat. She says he should stand behind his dish. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jennifer: You’re just putting your f—ing teammate in the ground. Spike: So? So f—ing what? Jennifer: Yeah, so f—ing what! Dale: That’s weak ass s—. Lisa: All right, we get your f—ing point. You’re just making it worse. Spike: I’m sure you would’ve liked to see me go home instead of her because Earth lost. Cry over it all night long, OK.

Oh. No. He. Di’int.

Dale says Zoi shouldn’t have been sent home, and Lisa tells him saying it over and over again won’t change anything. At this point Dale decides it’s time to vent at Lisa (remember, bitter about the bacon). Crotch grabbing happens. Cursing happens.

And then Jennifer kicks a chair. Do not mess with a woman whose woman just got sent home. Period.

Next time on Top Chef: Dale tells Lisa she is negative. Lisa tells Dale where he can go. Jennifer competes for Zoi. Bears fans aren’t impressed. Spike and Andrew share a bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath.

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