TV

“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.12 “Loyal and True”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Peccadilloes: A vulnerability for everyone, especially Shane. Convictions: Sometimes confused with convenience. Art: Humiliating, when it imitates life.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew breathes fire; Jane Lynch chews; Holland Taylor uses big words; Alicia Leigh Willis becomes a real girl; Melanie Lynskey offers perspective and temptation; Cybill Shepherd preaches; Wallace Shawn makes a toast.

Big wallets, tiny brains – Adele, Tina and Aaron are meeting with some guys who are interested in distributing Lez Girls. They think the film is great, and they have the feminine hygiene commercial contracts to prove it.

Tina: We think the film needs a platform release. We think this is a film that needs to find its audience. Smarmy sideburned guy: Well, we don’t think of it as a niche movie. Tina: Neither do we. We want everyone in America to see it.
Hooray, they’re all in agreement! Except for one thing: The distributor dudes don’t like the ending.
Smarmy dude: Marketing says it won’t test. Tina: What do you mean, it won’t test? Test with who? Smarmy dude: Peoria. You know, the flyover states. Nebraska, Florida, Orange County. I mean, it won’t test. Like, lesbians are cool and sexy now … Other distributor dude: But, uh, we need them to be relatable.
Yeah? Here’s one tip: Don’t kill off the Donna character. She’s the most relatable one.

The distributor dudes are mostly looking at Aaron (Tina’s boss) as they talk, rather than at Tina and Adele. Isn’t that always the way? And they’re especially Aaron-focused as they drop this next bomb – a stink bomb, to be precise:

Smarmy dude: We think Jesse should go back to her boyfriend in the end. Tina: What?! No way.
Sigh. I have a better idea: Cast the smarmy guy in the movie, and Jesse can shoot him in the end. Er, at the end. Actually, “in” makes sense too.

Nobody walks in L.A. – Hey, they actually filmed this episode in Los Angeles! You can tell by the palm trees and the haze and the traffic that Tina and Bette and Angie are currently stuck in. Tina points out that her house is closer to Angie’s preschool. As they discuss the merits of their respective neighborhoods, Angie focuses on the matter at hand:

Angelica: Are you gonna honk the horn?
Was that the cutest thing you’ve ever heard, or what? It just gets cuter as Angie continues to chatter while her moms talk. (For the record, they both say no, they’re not going to honk the horn.)
Bette: Are you saying I should sell my house? Tina: I didn’t say that! Bette: I know, I just meant if … we … got together … I mean, once we … decide … [sighing, giving up]
I love Tina’s expressions during this exchange. When Bette first says the thing about selling the house, Mama T seems to want to say, “Simmah down nah!” And then while Bette flounders, Tina seems quite amused. More important, she doesn’t try to finish Bette’s thoughts for her or throw her any kind of relationship-shaped life preserver. And that’s the difference between New Tina and Old Tina. And New Tina rocks.

The conversation turns to Bette’s speech for Jodi’s big event at the Hammer. The speech includes a bit about Jodi being “undeniably a woman,” and that brings us yet another great expression from Tina. Tina says it “sounds a little bit sexist,” but she doesn’t really argue when Bette defends herself. Tina pretends to be unconcerned because Bette is a “great writer,” but I think she mostly just doesn’t care. But she does want to know whether Bette has talked to Jodi. Bette hasn’t, but she did speak to the curator of the show.

Bette: She said Jodi’s piece is amazing. Angelica: Jodi.
Awkward.
Tina: [shrugging] You have to find a way to have Jodi in her life. They’re very bonded. Bette: I just … I think it would be just too confusing. I mean, it just blurs the boundaries, and it’s …
Whose boundaries? Confusing for whom? Don’t use your daughter as an excuse for the vagaries of your own heart, Bette.

Bette is saved by the bell, or rather, the bus that’s crossing in front of them and sporting an ad for The Look. There’s 2-D Alice, looking glamorous. Tina tries to point her out to Angelica, but Angie is unimpressed. She’s probably confused by the blurred boundaries between real life and meta life.

While the bus is lingering in their path, the stoplight turns green. So Bette honks the horn and says, “Go, a–hole.” So much for not honking the horn and keeping Angie’s best interests in mind!

Incoming – There! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a Peabody-purveying helicopter!

Before I explain what that means, I have to note that the arrival of the helicopter takes about 57 days. Why the extreeeemely long shot? It was enough time for me to have this discussion with my girlfriend:

– What’s that? – Um, it’s a … is it Mothra? – It’s a chopper. – I thought a chopper was a kind of motorcycle. – You’re a kind of motorcycle. – Good one. Hey, is that Lily Allen singing in the background? – Ooh, nice. – Anyway. Yeah. OK, yeah, it’s a helicopter. – Maybe it’s Peggy Peabody. She knows how to arrive in style. – Oh, no, wait, it’s an ambulance helicopter. Oh, maybe Kit retrieved that gun and Denbo is now a human sieve! – Oh, look, it really is Peggy Peabody! In an air ambulance? Noooo!
Or something like that. I’m not sure we’re actually that witty; it was probably more along the lines of “Wha?” “Gah!” “Hmm.” “Aaah!”

So. Peggy Peabody on a stretcher is not a pleasant image. But I like the way she’s barking orders to her assistants. And then she calls for her daughter.

Helena: Right here, mummy! Peggy: [looking up, nearly leaping off the stretcher] What on earth are you wearing?!
Aw. It’s very nice to see them. And I like what you’re wearing, Helena! You look all tan and healthy. Clearly Dusty’s island getaway agrees with you.

Low art – A naked Shane is taking pictures of a naked Molly, who’s still in bed. Uh, when did Shane become a photographer? Just in time to take part in an homage to High Art, I guess. It seems almost shot-for-shot, and it makes me want to watch the movie instead. Molly doesn’t want to get out of bed, but they have to: They have breakfast plans with Phyllis. Yum!

Not such a good morning – Alice and Tasha are both out of bed, and Alice has made coffee. That, to me, is the ideal way to wake up – not to Alice and Tasha and coffee, necessarily. Just to coffee that I didn’t have to make.

But Tasha is grumpy, apparently because she is now – as we can see by her uniform – a security guard. Is that really so terrible? I mean, you’re adorable in the uniform. Alice helps her put on her badge, which says Cal-Mart. OK, yeah. That kinda sucks.

Alice: It’s a cute picture. Tasha: Mm hmm. F— you.
Tasha gulps down some of the coffee but doesn’t want any breakfast. Even worse, she doesn’t seem to want a goodbye kiss from Alice. Inconceivable! Alice just stands there uncertainly for a moment, watching Tasha go. Then she sits down and sighs.

The hospital – Peggy Peabody has been stung by an Irukandji jellyfish. Helena doesn’t understand why there’s no antidote. Well, Helena, that’s precisely the problem: There’s no antidote for lazy writing. Believe me, I’ve looked, having poisoned my own words earlier today.

Anyway, this particular jellyfish is very lethal, so Peggy proceeds to make her dying wishes known to her daughter. She needs to know that her daughter is “situated.”

Peggy: A drab little hut in the dregs of Tahiti with the tax-evading granddaughter of a vanilla-pod picker doesn’t strike me as situated. Helena, the Peabodys are keepers, not only of a vast fortune, but of a legacy – Helena: Mummy. I’m. Not. Interested. Peggy: It really isn’t a proposition, Helena. You are my sole beneficiary.
Oh, Holland Taylor – I love the way you’re playing this, as if you’re a consumptive on a couch, liable to slip away at any moment.

Peggy just wants Helena to take an interest in the “day-to-day” of the Peabody Foundation, but Helena excuses herself to get an update from the doctors.

Helena: I have a standby return ticket. it’s going to cost me $75 if I need to change it.
I don’t even know what that means, really. I just know that I’ve missed Helena, so I’m delighting in her every word.

Looking forward to the future – Shane and Molly are on a sidewalk, making their way to breakfast. Molly wants to know what sort of photography Shane’s interested in. Nature? This make Shane laugh, and Molly laughs with her. Sometimes they seem like a good match.

Shane: I like, um … I like portraiture.
Molly says Shane has a great eye, but how does she or anyone else know that? Have I missed something? I remember that Lara the Soup Chef dabbled in photography, but I don’t remember Shane ever talking about it. Anyway, Shane wants to go to school to perfect her great eye, but Molly doesn’t like that idea.
Shane: You don’t think I can handle going to school? Molly: Of course I think you can handle it, but I don’t think you need to go to school. I think you need to go to work. Shane: Yeah, but before I go to work, I’d rather learn … I don’t know, I’d like to learn technique, I’d like to learn what I’m doing. I’d rather not schluff it off.
Uh, “schluff”? Clearly you’ve already been to school, Shane – the Academy of Made-Up Words.

They kiss, and they keep on kissing, until Shane realizes Phyllis is watching them from an outdoor table. Not just Phyllis: Phyllis and Joyce.

Molly: I am not going on a lesbian double date with my mother.
Shane begs Molly to be mature and drags her over to the table. But Molly refuses to shake Joyce’s hand because “she tried to ruin my father.” Sheesh. I’m going to call you Moody, Molly.

Shane asks Phyllis to excuse them and pulls Moody aside for a little pep talk about the bummer of divorce and the importance of making your mother happy. But Molly resists. So Shane points out that Phyllis is obviously trying to get along with her daughter – despite her misgivings about service-industry Shane – and somehow that convinces Molly to give breakfast a chance. That’s all Shane is saying.

The Planet of eye-rolling – Dawn Denbo introduces Kit to a decorator. Kit rolls her eyes so much (and makes “mm hmm” faces and purses her lips and etc.), it’s both hilarious and embarrassing. The decorator says the space has “great bones.”

Kit: [muttering and walking away] Yeah, I hope you choke on them bones.
But then Kit gets a breath of fresh air, in the form of Helena. As they greet each other, Kit’s verbal tic is on full display:
Kit: Girl! Girl! Girl! Oh, girl!
They exchange bad news, of jellyfish and Denbo, then sit down to have some coffee. (And cookies, says Helena. Hee.)

The double date – Phyllis, Joyce, Molly and Shane are discussing an internship for Molly. Joyce apparently tried for the same internship, but her score wasn’t high enough.

Shane: What score’s that? Molly: LSAT. It’s a test you take to get into law school.
Oh, come on. Shane has probably heard of the LSAT! Well, maybe not. She awkwardly asks whether Molly got a “good grade,” and Phyllis says it’s better than good:
Phyllis: Molly scored in the top 2 percent nationally.
And that’s why she has a Supreme Court internship. A whuh? Before law school? I don’t think they do that. I think the only thing they have for pre-law students is an “office research” internship that, according to the Court’s own website, “is completely unrelated to the case work of the Supreme Court.” Molly is so brilliant, she’s going to shuffle papers for Scalia’s secretary.

But never mind; Molly doesn’t want the whoop-de-do internship anyway. She’d rather spend the summer surfing in Honolulu with Shane. And that little revelation makes the breakfast table overflow with tension. And what’s the perfect tension-breaker? Masticating with Joyce! Her chomping used to bother me, but right now I’m just savoring it. So to speak. Phyllis thinks Molly is doing this to get back at her, but Molly knows just how to deflect that:

Molly: I’m not doing this to get back at you. I’m so beyond that. I’m accepting your life choices. And if you and Joyce decide to get married, I hope you invite me and Shane to the wedding. All I ask is the same respect from you.
Shane’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about this scene.

Sunday in the Park With Tasha – Tasha is lying on the grass, staring up at the blue sky and the palm trees, when Alice comes into view. No, Alice: Don’t block Tasha’s blue sky! Sheesh. Subtle.

The Planet of broken dreams – Kit wants to know whether Helena and Dusty have room for one more in Tahaa. Hey, yeah, and take Max with you so we can get started on that spin-off!

But Helena doesn’t find Tahaa all that enchanting.

Helen: Dusty’s great, but … I kind of miss this place. I miss all of you. Kit: We’ve missed you so much. You have no idea.
I do have some idea, actually. But Rachel Shelley, I don’t know if you should go back to your old job. That usually doesn’t turn out well. Just ask Eden Riegel.

Never mind all that; let’s talk about Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi.

Helena: I don’t understand. Where did these women come from? Kit: From Hell. Via Miami Beach.
Yeah! Pam Grier got a good line for once!

One of those demonic – Denbonic? – ladies happens to stop by, right on cue. You know Kit wants to say, “Speak of the Devil.”

Cindi: [behind Kit] I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. Kit: [not turning around] You … want to say you’re sorry? You? Cindi: I know, I know. It doesn’t make a difference. But I hate what she’s doing. OK? I do. I would’ve tried to stop her, but she’s … she’s crazy.
Gosh. Cindi, you’re miles more attractive when you’re being a real person instead of a Cinthetic one. But soon Cindi’s mistress summons her; somebody needs to go to SheBar to accept a delivery.
Dawn Denbo: Can you do that? Seriously. Can you go now? Because they’re waiting at the delivery. Thank you. Nice face. Thank you.
“Nice face.” That seems like more of a mom-ism than a Denbo-ism. Are you slipping, Dawnie?

On the boardwalk – Tasha and Alice are strolling along. I think they’re talking about Tasha’s job, which apparently she has quit. But I can’t really hear anything because Tasha’s tank top is occupying all my senses. Alice doesn’t say much about Tasha’s decision to quit her job. She sort of mutters “crazy,” but not in a concerned way. Maybe she’s similarly dazzled by the tank top, but I fear she just wants to be somewhere else.

They meet Tasha’s friend from basic training, J.J. – as well as J.J.’s s girlfriend Karen, who immediately freaks out:

Karen: Holy f—in’ s—. I know you. Alice: You do? Karen: “I’m Alice Pieszecki, and you’re watching The Look!”
Alice handles the adulation with aplomb, but she can’t stay for lunch. She gives Tasha a goodbye kiss, then comes back when Karen calls after her and asks for an autograph. I’m not quite sure how Tasha feels about this fame thing. Somebody should cue up some David Bowie right about now. Or maybe some Debbie Allen.

Old friends – Jenny and Tina are at the Planet, having coffee and talking about Lez Girls. And then one girl in particular:

Tina: Niki came into my trailer the other day, and she was crying. Jenny: Really? Why? Tina: She says you won’t return any of her calls.
Apparently Niki talks about Jenny all the time and is always asking Tina about what Jenny would like and what Jenny would think. Who would Jenny bomb?
Jenny: Well, I don’t want to be with someone who’s afraid to be who they are.
Huh. I often think of Jenny as a wildly inconsistent character, but we might have just found the thread that has stretched across all these seasons: Jenny believes in being true to yourself, even when your brand of truth is just plain loony tunes.
Tina: [Niki] has a lot to lose. Jenny: So do I. I don’t have a career anymore. My agents just dropped me.
Tina seems sincerely sorry about that. You know what I’m sincerely sorry about? Tina’s shirt. It looks like someone took a giant teardrop-shaped hole punch to it. Perhaps the tears represent the designer’s state of mind when he realized what he had done. Jenny has teardrops of her own to share. She talks a big game, but she misses her starlet.
Jenny: Do you think I should call Niki? Tina: I don’t know.
Yes, you do know! I think we all do. As John McLaughlin might say, “The answer is no, and I rank it a 10, 10 being a metaphysical certainty.”

A Lez Girls scene – Begoña/Karina and Niki/Jesse are filming that scene in which Jenny/Jesse finally figured/figures out that Marina/Karina and Francesca/Frances were/are playing games with her. Isn’t it sad that, despite the presence of so many slashes, this just isn’t half as much fun as fanfic?

Adele sees Tina arriving on set and cuts the scene. She sends a minion named Sally to deliver a message to Tina.

Sally: Adele wants you off the set. Tina: What? Sally: She has asked me to have you removed from the set. She said she can’t work with you looking over her shoulder. Tina: You’ve got to be f—ing kidding me. Sally: I know.
That “I know” was a nice touch. There’s dissent in the ranks, Adele. They’re going to tie your shoelaces together when you’re not looking.

Tina marches over to Adele, who is standing by a railing and lighting a fancy cigarette.

Tina: What is this?
I told you; it’s a fancy cigarette! I know it looks weird, but try to keep up.

Adele says she knows Tina’s loyalties lie with Jenny, so she can’t have her doing Jenny’s bidding on the set.

Tina: Adele, I’m the producer of this movie, OK? I busted my ass putting it together. Why would I let you kick me off the set? Adele: Because you want this picture on schedule and on budget?
Oooh, what a threat! Because never in the history of filmmaking has a movie been late and over budget! Just toss her over that railing, Tina – you know you can take her. By the way, the music in this scene is reminiscent of the theme from Chariots of Fire. And that’s only fitting, because so far this episode has been a marathon of suck.

The hospital – Helena is telling Peggy about Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi. She describes Dawn as a “small-time petty con artist.” Kinda like Catherine the poker player, maybe? Time to get your revenge, Helena.

Helena: She virtually stole the Planet out from under [Kit]. Peggy: Why don’t you buy it back?
Yay! It was sort of predictable, but I like it anyway.
Peggy: Every lowlife has a price, Helena. And most likely a peccadillo or two that can be easily discovered, if she needs a little persuading.
Helena is confused at first, because Peggy so recently told her not to buy friendships.
Peggy: Didn’t these people stand by you when you had absolutely not one red cent? Helena: My friends? Yeah, they did. Peggy: So you wouldn’t be buying friendship from them if you already have it. I really wish you would try to evince some more clearheadedness, Helena.
Doped-up Peggy P.’s vocab can kick the ass of your honor student’s vocab!

Helena is still bewildered, but Peggy makes it clear that she never intended to keep Helena’s inheritance from her forever. She’s still not sure Helena is “dignified” enough to tend to the family fortune, though.

Peggy: But I have to leave all my f—ing money to someone, and I’m not going to leave it to my Lhasa apsos. Talk about undignified. Helena: So what would you want me to do with all your f—ing money? Peggy: As is your wont. Spend it willy-nilly. Buy your friend a nightclub. Buy her two.
Peggy Peabody is more than a woman. She’s a force.

A bumpy ride – Clea (Melanie Lynskey) is giving Alice that scooter ride she promised her last week. But they’re going a little too fast, so they get stopped by a cop.

While Clea chats with the officer, Alice calls her own personal MP. Tasha is still having a good time with her friends. Alice is bright and cheerful on the phone. A little too much so.

She and Clea take a stroll and talk about what “total pigs” the LAPD can be. They’re a lot alike. See? I don’t remember ordering another serving of this personality-via-wardrobe stuff. In fact, I would like to send it back, because it does not agree with my stomach. Or my eyes, my brain or my love of all that is decent.

Clea: So … was that your girlfriend on the phone? Alice: Yeah. It was. Clea: That’s a little bit disappointing for me. Alice: Me too. God, that sounded bad.
They come to a bridge, so they cross it – well, they go just halfway across. Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Yawn, yawn.

Alice admits that her relationship is in trouble. Clea takes that as permission to go in for the kiss. But they won’t be going all the way across that bridge today. Alice says, “I can’t” and apologizes. Don’t apologize, Alice: We’re all applauding you!

Alice asks Clea whether she’s ever been in a similar situation. Indeed, she has.

Alice: What did you do? Clea: I … had a really great love affair. But I broke someone’s heart, and I cause a lot of general chaos and destruction. So. Alice: Yeah. Sounds good. My friend Helena says, “Whatever starts in chaos, ends in chaos.”
She does? Surely she hasn’t said that this season; we’ve heard almost nothing from her. We may even have heard more from her mother. Not that I’m complaining.

The electricity keeps zinging back and forth between Alice and Clea, even though Clea promised herself she would never cause such chaos and destruction again.

Clea: It’s very difficult to stand by your convictions when someone who is, like, sexy and smart and amazing, who you’re super-attracted to, is, like, this far away from you.
Alice takes Clea’s hand, but that’s as far as it goes. Whew.

The poolside cabana of possibilities – Bette and Tina are talking about their days and their futures. Bette has the big Hammer event and Tina has the big wrap party: so many opportunities to see and be seen, when all they really want to do is cuddle in the cabana. Tina ruminates about the ending of Lez Girls; specifically, the fact that Jesse thinks she’s never going to love again. Bette says that’s a natural reaction to being left by your first love.

Tina: Yeah, you were my first. And I thought I would die. Bette: I never left you. Tina: Yes, you did. But then you came back.
The camera goes behind the gauzy canopy thing. That’s annoying, and again heavy-handed: Their love is filmy, gossamer, ethereal, ephemeral. I think Bette’s black tank top begs to differ, because it seems serious and sturdy.

Tina says the ending of Lez Girls is actually very happy.

Tina: Jenny … oh, my God, who would have thought? But she pulled it together, and she wrote this amazing ending. It’s such a positive message for young, gay women. It’s great.
Despite that, Tina doesn’t mind that she’s been banned from the set, because it’s not important.
Bette: What’s important? Tina: You. Us.
Yes, and kissing. Kissing and making out are definitely important.
Bette: So, do you think Angie should have a baby sister or a baby brother?
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Uh, way to get ahead of yourself, Bette. Simmah! How about some nice, ordinary, uneventful daily life for a change? Do you even remember what that’s like?

Tina says, “What?” and the scene ends. Pardon me while I make a reservation at a conversation-free, child-free cabana. I have the vapors and need to lie down.

Alice’s apartment – Alice is happy and fine, fine! Why do you ask?!

But Tasha isn’t asking anyway. She has news of her own: She has signed up for the police academy, and she’s thrilled about it. But Alice, who has never been a fan of cops, can’t even pretend to be excited.

Tasha: They’re really pro-gay. They even have domestic partner benefits.
Ouch.
Tasha: [seeing Alice’s hesitation] Is this OK?
Alice says yes, of course, but she doesn’t mean it at all. Tasha, I’ll take you out to celebrate. No, you don’t need to change or anything; you’re fine just the way you are.

Peccadillo palace – Helena finds Cindi at Shebar.

Helena: I have a proposition. And I think it might be of interest. Cindi: Well, Dawn’s not here right now, so … Helena: No, it’s a proposition for you.
What an unholy, wholly satisfying alliance.

Jodi’s big show – The curator welcomes Bette to the show at the Hammer.

Curator: Bette. I’m so relieved you came. After Jodi told me what the piece was about …
But before Bette can hear the rest of that sentence, someone interrupts. Oh, boy.

The rest of the gang mills around, talking about the wrap party. Shane doesn’t want to go to that, out of loyalty to Jenny. But Jenny insists that she go.

Jodi greets Alice, Tasha, Max, Tom, Jenny and Kit – and then promptly walks away when Bette shows up and tries to join the conversation. Why did that seem like a good idea to you, Bette? Salt, wound? Heard of them?

Side note: Isn’t Max cute in his suspenders? Nearby, Phyllis pulls Shane aside to have a talk with her. They go into an artsy room with doorknobs that lead to nowhere; it’s sort of like Willy Wonka’s factory, only much less fun. (But I love the way Shane immediately plays with the art.)

Phyllis finds about 18 ways to tell Shane she’s not worthy of Molly.

Phyllis: Bette says you’re not the kind of person any caring mother would want her daughter to have a relationship with. Shane: I don’t buy it. Bette would never say it.
I don’t either. But Phyllis says Alice has also told a few Shane stories, including the one about the wedding that wasn’t.
Phyllis: Are you gonna throw Molly away like a piece of garbage? Shane: No.

Phyllis: How do you know? How can you be sure you’re not gonna find someone else you can’t keep it in your pants around? Shane: Phyllis. You know that is not fair to say, because no one knows that until it happens. Phyllis: Most of us possess a certain amount of self-knowledge, Shane. Have you ever heard the expression “Past is prelude”? No. Of course you haven’t. [staring Shane down] This is not just about Molly’s summer plans. Don’t f— my daughter over. If you even think you love her, spare her. Dont turn her into another one of your heartbroken victims.
Eeek. Would Phyllis really do that? It seems to fly directly in the face of her own commitment to embracing love and risk and whatever may come. If you want to sing out, sing out, but don’t do it around my daughter.

It’s also ridiculous for Phyllis to think that Moody needs any kind of protection. She’s no victim.

Anyway. As Snarker points out, Shane was playing the role of Lloyd Dobler in that scene. But somehow I doubt there’s a plaintive boom box and trench coat in her future.

It’s almost time for the unveiling. First, Jodi thanks Bette for coming.

Jodi: I hope you like the piece. Bette: I can’t wait to see it. And you look phenomenal.
Jodi just nods. She sees Shane, and they hug and say they miss each other. Shane starts to say that she knew nothing about Bette and Tina, but Jodi shushes her. Jodi does look phenomenal, by the way. And now it’s time for Bette’s speech. She touches on Jodi’s work with “found industrial materials.” The speech ends like this:
Bette: She has made me believe, all over again, in the redemptive power of art. It’s been a gift and privilege to have her as our artist in residence at CU, and an even greater gift having her in my life.
Jodi comes up on stage then, and they have an awkward should-we-shake-or-do-we-hug moment. You can guess who tries which. They settle for a stiff handshake.
Jodi: This piece is called “Core,” because it’s about core values. Love, loyalty, honesty and commitment.
Bette looks nervous. And she should. The piece is all about her. Bette’s image and garbled voice are everywhere, projected on all the walls, hissing from speakers, overlapping and getting bigger and louder. She’s saying things like “F— me” and “Stop” and “Leave me alone” and “Go without me.” And the real Bette is, of course, shocked. Her friends are stunned too, but all anyone can do is watch. OK. My objections to this debacle are threefold: stylistic, artistic and logistic. First, stylistic: Is this really Jodi’s style? Public humiliation?! Didn’t Jodi seem to accept things last week and prepare to move on? I just can’t see her doing something like this.

Second, artistic: I know the curator said this is the “Artists Working in New Media” series, so I guess I shouldn’t nitpick. But in what way is this a “found industrial” piece? Maybe if Jodi calls Bette a robot and says she found her in her bed.

Last, logistic: How on earth would Jodi get that footage and all the audio? And even if she figured out the logistics somehow, how could it be legal? I doubt Bette would consent to such a thing. I’d be crying defamation. And, well, I’d just be crying.

Oh, I think I have a fourth objection: We’ve already seen a humiliation by way of an exhibition. Tina suffered greatly at the Provocations exhibit, although nobody intended or orchestrated that. This was cruel. Jodi deserved a better exit.

Another off-key resolution – At SheBar, Dawn Denbo sees a “gorgeous woman” named Helena. She tries to chat her up, no doubt hoping for a little VIP-room action. Helena doesn’t really respond, and it’s fun to watch Denbo’s giant ego start to deflate. But it’s short-lived: Shane, Kit, Molly, Jenny and Alice arrive and interrupt the flirting.

Dawn Denbo: How in the f— did you get past my door? Because you know what? You skanks really need to leave now. Even though you have a stunner of a friend here. [to Helena] Hi. Oh, wait a minute, Helena Peabody. Isn’t your mom the – Helena: [to her friends] She’s telling us to leave?
Shane nods, adorably.

Helena: [putting her stunning face very close to Dawn Denbo’s] I’m afraid you can’t do that. Dawn Denbo: Really. Why can’t I, pretty little rich girl? [seeing Kit] F—in’ Porter. What? Kit: We own this place.
Just like Ivan, Dawn’s investors were more than happy to sell. Dawn Denbo doesn’t understand how they got the names of her investors. All eyes land on Cindi.
Dawn Denbo: What the f— did you do? Cindi: Who, me? How could I do anything when I don’t have a thought in my head? That’s what you tell people, right? That “she doesn’t have a thought in her head”?
Denbo grabs Cindi’s chin, but Helena intervenes.
Helena: Get your dirty little hands off her, Denbo! Dawn Denbo: Why should I? Helena: Because she’s with me. Cindi: By the way: The name’s Tucker. Not “her lover Cindi.” It’s Cindi Annabelle Tucker.

Dawn Denbo: I was done with you anyway.
Kit tells Dawn she can go home, or she can do the dishes or the floor. Our gang flips Dawn Denbo off collectively and offers various other rude gestures, and that’s that.

Well, it was fun. Just not thrilling, like it should have been. “I was done with you anyway”? Nah, she should have gone ballistic.

Yet another wrong ending – I feel like this episode is a Choose Your Own Adventure book and I keep making the wrong choice and ending up abandoned in the desert or on a planet with a toxic atmosphere.

This time, the wrong turn is Shane’s. She and Molly are dancing cheek-to-cheek one moment, and then the next, Shane’s sending Molly to the bar for a drink. While Molly is gone, Shane flirts with an innocent bystander. Molly sees the whole thing, of course.

Molly: I know what you’re doing. Shane: I’m not doing anything. Molly: You are. You’re freaking out, and you’re scared, and you owe it to me and to you to give this a chance. Shane: Molly, I’m not freaking out. I never promised you anything. Molly: Yes, you did. In bed this morning, when you kissed me and you held me, those were promises.
Wah. Shane, you dummy.

Shane finally mumbles that Molly “misunderstood” her. Yeah, by all means, make it worse.

Molly: So what do girls do now? Throw their drink in your face? Shane: Yeah, sometimes they do. Molly: I’m not going to do that. You don’t deserve that. You deserve compassion. But I’m not going to try to save you. It’s something you have to do for yourself, so. Good luck figuring your s— out. Um, take your time. Hopefully, I’ll still be around.
Shane hangs her head. Gah, what a mess. I don’t get it: Did she really take all of Phyllis’ rambling to heart? Or is this just a knee-jerk reaction, an old habit? Whatever it is, it sucks.

Anguish – Bette doesn’t understand why Jodi would humiliate her in front of everyone she cares about. (Tina, by the way, was not at the show. Small mercies.)

Tina: That’s why she did it. [stroking Bette’s hair] You should just let go. You should just try and let go. Bette: The only reason I can is because I’m with you.
As Dara points out in The Best and Worst of Season 5, Bette and Tina are posed like John Lennon and Yoko Ono in that famous Leibovitz photograph. But, um, why? Is Bette about to be shot in front of the Dakota?

Sunny day, sweeping the smog away – It’s time for the Lez Girls wrap party. I don’t know why we get another extreeeemely long shot like the helicopter approach. This time we’re seeing the haze on the horizon and the cars creeping through the valet line. Pointless.

I do enjoy the brief encounter between our heroines and some real-life crew members. Pam Grier (I’m pretty sure this is Pam, not Kit) says, “You look familiar.” Heh.

Tina tries to greet William, who is emerging from a limo. But he’s with Adele, so Tina turns away as quickly as she can. She, Bette and Kit go inside, where they find Alice, Tasha, Helena and Cindi. Wow, you mean Cindi really gets to be Helena’s date for more than just Denbo-destroying purposes? Does Dusty know about this? And how does Kit feel about it? The membranes of this social organism certainly are porous.

Shane arrives and refuses to answer any questions about Molly. She just shrugs and clams up, just like the Fonz would in this situation. They all toast to Jenny. Aw, Jenny. And ew, Jenny’s doppelganger – they all point to Adele, who is making out with Begoña on the dance floor.

Tina: I can’t even talk about it, you guys.
Alice seems especially stunned, pointing to Adele and Begoña and then to her own unsuspecting champagne glass. It’s hard to know where to aim your compass on these rough seas. More character assassination – Later, near the bar, Alice and Shane notice that Tasha is three sheets to the wind and flirting with Cammie.
Shane: I didn’t know she drank so much. Alice: Well, yeah, I didn’t either. I mean, I don’t think she likes to, you know, drink … Shane: What’s wrong? Alice: [giggling, embarrassed] Can I talk to you?
Alice tells Shane that she has met someone but hasn’t acted on it.
Shane: But you want to. Alice: Yeah. [calming herself down] But I know that the right thing to do is to work on this with Tasha. It’s what I should do. Shane: Why? Who says you should? Why should you? Alice: Because we all just let our relationships blow up at the first little temptation. Nobody works on their relationships anymore. Everyone’s out for instant gratification, and I don’t want to be like that.
Shane looks like she’s trying not to let all that sink in too far. Then she points out that Alice and Tasha already have worked really hard on their relationship, so it might just be time to acknowledge that they want something different.

Alice: But everything she went through with the trial, and giving up everything she believed in … Shane: Has nothing to do with you. That never had anything to do with you. You have the right to be happy. It’s your human right to be happy.
It doesn’t? It didn’t? She does? It is?

Can I get one of what Tasha’s having, please?

A dance – Still later, as “Walk on By” plays, Bette and Tina find a spot on the dance floor. And then they … well, they dance. Enthusiastically. And their friends look on and know that these two belong together. It’s sexy and all, but don’t you kind of cringe when people get carried away on the dance floor? I know, I know, this is a melodrama. And a meta-drama, as Bev and Nina look on, enjoying the bliss of their counterparts.

Propping up a barstool – Shane finds Niki, who is drowning her sorrows and “avoiding people.” She says she’s tired. Of what?

Niki: Everybody wanting me to be who they want me to be. Shane: Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Sounds familiar, too, right? Shane tells Niki that she “f—ed up something great.”
Niki: Molly? Shane: I got ahead of myself. I envision this kind of future and … I don’t know.
I wish you did know, because I totally don’t. What about your right to be happy, Shane?

Niki decides to just stop caring and keep moving on. They toast to not giving a s—.

The real wrap-up – Out in the happier part of the party, William introduces Adele. The rising star, fresh from signing a three-picture deal, begins to talk about Lez Girls. She shares the news about the distribution deal, and then thanks someone you might not expect her to thank.

Adele: I know that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Jennifer Schecter, who gave me the opportunity to – Jenny: [out of nowhere] I didn’t give you anything. You stole it.
Yes! And then Jenny steals the microphone (OK, Adele offers it to her) and the crowd offers a show of support. I think I’m smiling for the first time since way back at the beginning during Angelica’s adorableness.

Jenny makes her own speech, expressing hope that the people who are now entrusted with Lez Girls will honor it. She thanks her “incredible friends” and the loyalty and compassion they’ve shown. And that’s when the camera cuts to Niki and Shane, who are somewhere out of earshot, having sex against a railing. Did I say “railing”? I think that’s what this plot twist provokes in the average L Word viewer: a lot of ranting and railing. This particular hookup makes no sense, least of all from Shane, who didn’t even want to go to the party because she thought it would be disloyal to Jenny.

And one more note about sex against railings: Be careful, Shane, or you’ll end up with a Nip/Tuck situation on your hands. (Christian f—ed his ex right off the balcony. A nasty business.)

Jenny, who is still talking about how much friendship means to her – “more than any movie or lover” – asks whether Niki is there.

Jenny: I realized something really important this afternoon … that I am madly in love with someone, and it’s changed the way I feel about all of this. Thank you for … putting up with me.
Everyone cheers and claps. Oh, Jenny. How many times have I worried about your fragile heart this season? Well, here comes the big one.

Jenny goes to hug all of her friends, including the once icy Bette, and then she goes in search of Niki. She finds her on that railing, with Shane’s head between her legs.

Jenny: What are you doing?
That is the question of the century.

Elsewhere, Tina learns that Adele agreed to change the ending of the movie: Jesse goes back to Jim.

Tina: That is so f—ed up.
We go back and forth from Shane swearing she’s Jenny’s friend to the movie people swearing the film will be OK.
Tina: The guy gets the girl, the end? This is the movie that was supposed to change all that. Adele: Look, Tina. If the movie’s too gay, it’s going to alienate the audience. Tina: Too gay! It’s a movie about lesbians.
William and Aaron insist that the movie is full of lesbians (and that bisexual, Alyse). Speaking of all those lesbians, Bette, Alice, Tasha and Kit have wandered upon the scene by now and want to know what’s going on.
Tina: The studio wants to change the ending of the movie. They want Jesse to go back to Jim. Kit, Bette and Alice: What?!

Tina: They think the movie’s too gay. Bette: Too gay?
I do applaud Mama Chaiken for soldiering on, no matter how many times she heard those two little words.
Kit: I’m telling you, it’s the man that does this crazy s—.
Just to make everything worse, Jenny, Shane and Niki walk by. The rest of our gang watches the confrontation. (Well, except for Bette, who decides to go get the car.)
Shane: I am your friend, I swear. Jenny: It’s the ultimate betrayal. You’ve broken my heart.
Another version of “Walk on By” (Dionne Warwick this time) begins to play as the camera looks out over the lights of the city.

Wow. That was … bleak.

A final note – You know how Peter Brady once sang, “When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange”? Well, I’m heeding his advice: My time on the AfterEllen.com staff is coming to an end. No, I haven’t been forced out like Jenny or bought out like Dawn Denbo – I was offered a new job I just couldn’t resist. (Yes, I’m going to be Peggy Peabody’s personal assistant! Uh, I wish.)

Although this is my last week as a full-time staffer, I do hope to recap the final season of The L Word, if I have time. Meanwhile, I want to thank you all for being the best audience ever. Your support and insights and hilarity have made me feel very lucky.

Two lines from this episode say it better than I can. First, Jenny: “Thank you for putting up with me.” And, of course, Kit: “Girl! Girl! Girl! Oh, girl!”

 

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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