Listen, I really have something I need to get off my chest … something that will most likely have you either raising your fist in a Norma Rae–style show of solidarity or storming my castle with torches and pitchforks.
I adore Tori Spelling.
Ahh, all right. I feel better for having come out of that particular closet. Now that my admission is out of the way, allow me to get to the whys of the matter.
Bev Niner. Though my heart will always belong to Christine Elise as Emily Valentine (who, you, know, was SO punk because she wore, like, plaid shirts and leggings and hats and do you remember that one time when she got Brandon to take Ecstasy (except they called it U4ia instead of Ecstasy) and they were rolling around on the hood of his car and Brenda was all like “Brandon, what is WITH you?” and Brandon was all like “Pfft, whatevs, Brenda” but then Brandon realized that life should be, you know, hugs not drugs and he totally gave Emily Valentine the boot? I love that episode), the most enduring Beverly Hills, 90210
moment comes courtesy of Tori Spelling’s Donna: yes, I’m talking about hundreds of West Beverly Hills High School chanting “Donna Martin graduates!” in protest. Sure, Donna got wasted at the prom and broke all the rules but is that any reason not to let her graduate? Gawd, adults are SO uptight.
Not only did Donna go on to graduate despite her illicit imbibing, she was dyslexic, almost raped, stalked, taken hostage, had her own clothing store, dabbled in prescription drug abuse, and held onto her virginity until the end of her college days. Sure, she didn’t end up in a cult or battle amnesia as Kelly (Jennie Garth) did, but still. It makes me feel a little silly for getting so melodramatic over sophomore year BadPermGate.
Wait, no it doesn’t. A perm? What the eff was I thinking?
After graduating once and for all, Tori moved into omigawd I SO love her territory by joining fellow actresses like Tracey Gold and becoming a Queen of the Lifetime Movie. From Death of a Cheerleader to Co-Ed Call Girl to the movie with what’s undoubtedly the greatest title ever (yes, you know I’m talking about Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?), she spent a large part of the ’90s as either a victim or a bitch in many a delicious made-for-TV flick.
In fact, she’s still popping up on Lifetime Movie Network in new productions such as
Mind Over Murder, where she plays a prosecutor who gains psychic powers after an accident and uses her newfound abilities to catch killers. Yes, I said she gains psychic powers and yes, it sounds like the best movie ever but no, I haven’t seen it because one day my DVR decided to be a real jerk and erase everything I’d recorded but hadn’t yet watched, which means not only that I lost Mind Over Murder but also the movie with the second greatest title ever — Baby Monitor, Sound of Fear, starring Josie Bissett of television’s Melrose Place — which means that if ever meet up with Dish Network in a dark alley, let’s just say that it’s ON.
Wow, sorry about that. Umm …
Tori balanced out the Lifetime melodrama and inched her way closer to legitimate actress territory with minor roles in films such as the gay rom-com Trick (1999) and The House of Yes (1997), where she appeared alongside indie fave Parker Posey.
Her inability to shed the Donna Martin comparisons and completely move out from uber-producer daddy Aaron‘s shadow hasn’t really given Tori Spelling many opportunities to fully dig into an acting career and prove she’s worthy on her own, and she fully accepts this. In the way-too-effing-short-lived 2006 series So NoTORIous, Spelling addresses her shortcomings, both perceived and real, with some wicked humor. Really, I doubt most actors would want to be called “talentless products of nepotism and bad television”— especially on their own shows! I have no idea why So NoTORIous didn’t catch on; it’s incredibly endearing and best of all, funny. The one and only season is currently available on DVD, but Veoh’s got three full episodes available online for free watchin’ — including one of my favorites, “Street,” wherein Tori loses her BlackBerry, sends an embarrassing audition tape to director
Steven Soderbergh, and reveals why she’s so terrified of 90210 co-star Shannen Doherty.
Since the end of her sitcom, she’s opened a bed & breakfast, starred in a reality show about said bed & breakfast (Tori and Dean: Inn Love), had a baby, and had a falling out with her mother (reportedly over Loni Anderson‘s fictionalized portrayal of her on SOo NoTORIous) that allegedly led to Tori being “disinherited” after her father Aaron passed away. Spelling addresses all of this and more in her new autobiography,
sTORI telling revealing not only an obvious love for working her name into the titles of her projects, but also what it was like to grow up as the daughter of a mega-rich television producer. Apparently it wasn’t always fun, as is evident in this excerpt from the book’s prologue:
“We were having a formal family portrait taken with our dogs (doesn’t everyone do that?), and I was getting frustrated with my bangs. I couldn’t get them to do whatever a twelve-year-old in 1985 wanted bangs to do.
So I went into my parents’ bathroom, all dressed up, with my hair done as best I could manage, and asked my mother, “Am I pretty?” She looked at me and said,
“You will be when we get your nose done.”
I was stunned. My nose, as noses tend to be, was right in the middle of my face, and I had just been told that it was ugly. So long, innocence.”
Not cool, mom. But cool for Tori to show such candor — and good humor — about what goes on behind the closed doors of a life in the public eye.
And can I just say? As if all of this wasn’t enough to make me want to put a Tori Spelling poster on my wall, I made a startling discovery — a startlingly awesome discovery, I should say- —when I went to Tori’s yard sale in late 2006.
Excuse me, when I went to Tori’s “dazzling estate sale” in late 2006 (c’mon, wouldn’t YOU go?): She’s a horror movie fan. While everyone was picking through her jewelry and clothes, a friend and I were all alone in the TV room where I found a treasure trove of horror flicks on VHS. From popular classics like Halloween to rare cult stuff like Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, I discovered that the girl’s got great taste in horror. In fact, a few of Tori’s tapes are now sitting on my shelf — it’s kind of like we’re totally best friends, don’t you think? Donna Martin might graduate, but Tori Spelling rules!
