“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.9 “Liquid Heat”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Earthquake weather: An invitation to make your own little earthquake.

Fears: Everyone has them, from Bette and Tina to Molly and Shane. But everyone chooses love over fear.

Boobs: A word that sounds like a big, red flag when Molly says it.

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew lurks in the dark, Jane Lynch is tank-tastic, Alicia Leigh Willis wants to be a star, Elizabeth Keener plays mobster, Kate French fools around, Clementine Ford expands her horizons, Cybill Shepherd looks down her nose.

A disclaimer — Sorry about the murky images — blackouts aren’t screenshot-friendly!

A hot one — As the Lez Girls crew shuffles around the set, we hear a weather report: “It’s a scorcher out there, folks.” Everyone’s busy and sweaty and trying to stay hydrated.

BTW, in a recent OurChart video blog (thanks for the tip, Sue_B), Mama Chaiken mentioned that much of the Lez Girls crew is also the L Word crew. Because “meta” isn’t just a dramatic device: It’s a way of life.

The weatherman is also predicting power outages and warning about out-of-control wildfires. OMG, is Paige back?

Jenny, Tina, Adele and a makeup artist are discussing Greg/Jim/Tim’s tattoo.

Tina: He has what?

Jenny: Uh, it’s an Elmo.
Tina: A what?
Jenny: An Elmo tattoo.
Tina: What grown man gets Elmo tattooed on his ass?

But Elmo is so cute! Tina, show us your tattoos before you judge Greg’s.

So they’ll have to cover up said Elmo. But it’s hard to get makeup to stick in the triple-digit heat. Another crew member suggests that maybe the character, Jim/Tim, would have an Elmo tattoo, and then they could just leave it alone.

Jenny and Tina: No.

Aw. A moment of silence for Tim. I don’t really feel sad, though, because Eric Mabius totally traded up when he got the Ugly Betty gig.

Niki and Muppet-cheeks are ready for their scene. It’s a sex scene, if you hadn’t gathered from the ass discussion. And it happens to be Scene 69, according to the clapper. So mature.

Side note about Jim/Tim’s bedroom decor: As Dorothy Snarker points out, Tim may have been a swimmer, but it looks like Jim is a bowler. Fine, as long as there are no milkshake metaphors on the horizon. Those pins could be lethal weapons.

Right after Jenny calls “Action,” the power goes out.

Tina: S—. S— s— s— s— s—!

Hee.

Aaaaaand cut to Betty. Too bad the power failure didn’t affect the theme song.

Rolling with the rolling — Hey, it’s Butch the A.D., whose name is really Sandra. She’s the real first A.D. on The L Word. And, as Karman pointed out to me, she totally looks like Adrienne Rich. Poetry and separatism have finally come to The L Word!

Butch announces that although the power is back on, Cal Edison is doing rolling blackouts, so they’d better shoot while they can. I’d like to give Kit some similar advice about the SheBitches, but I don’t want to foment an all-out gang war. Not yet.

Before the cameras roll again, the makeup artist offers Shane the use of a portable fan.

Makeup artist: Apparently this is earthquake weather.

Shane: Go ahead, bitch, bring it on.

And that’s the thing about Shane: She has an appetite for destruction. The makeup artist asks her whether she’s OK. Shane says she’ll get over it (and we can only assume “it” means “Molly”). And that’s the other thing about Shane: She’ll get over it, whatever it is.

So it’s time for the second take of Scene 69. Greg/Jim/Tim is enjoying himself — a little too much, so Jenny says, “Cut. Cut cut cut cut.”

Jenny: That’s not the scene. OK? This is an obligatory f—. You don’t wanna f— him. You don’t like having sex with this guy.

Niki: OK, but … he’s been my boyfriend for like three years, right? I mean, why would I hate having sex with him now?

Greg: That’s what I was kinda thinking too.
Jenny: [interrupting Greg] Thanks, Fallon, I got this.

Jenny explains that Jesse is in love with Karina. But Niki doesn’t think that loving women has to mean hating men.

Niki: Come on, Jenny; is this a man-hating movie?

Jenny: It’s not a man-hating film, but the scene as written is about the experience of being force to have sex with this guy, when the night before, you’ve just had the most beautiful, mind-blowing sex. With a woman. Now this hairy guy is just pounding you, like unh unh unh [makes pounding noises]. What does that do? It hurts. You want to cry.

Aw, Jenny. I have a feeling this whole Niki thing is going to make you want to cry, too.

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