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“Cashmere Mafia” Recaps: Episode 1.6 “Yours, Mine and Hers”

Previously on – Last week was all about the haves and have-nots. Zoe hired a manny and Mia had a taste of what he was cooking. Dream husband Davis was having his cake and eating it too, but when he had his way with their joint bank account, Juliet wasn’t having it and finally decided to divorce his ass. Alicia admitted she’s having a baby. Caitlin admitted she had a man. Had enough?

The last to know – Mia is just arriving at her swanky office when she gets a string of phone calls from her fellow mafiosa. Zoe wants to know if she’s OK. Juliet tells her she’s there for her. Caitlin asks if she’s taking a sick day.

Mia informs Caitlin that “Mia Mason does not do sick days.” Mia could be in a coma and still be approving photo layouts – one squeeze of the hand for yes, two for no and three for get Annie Leibovitz on the phone.

Even her assistant brings her a muffin, so she can eat her pain away. Mia has no idea what’s with the interventions. Obviously, she has not read this week’s issue of Your Ex magazine, which hit newsstands that morning. Jack Cutter, former fiancĂ© and sore loser, has just been named publisher of a competitor, putting them back on the same level battlefield.

That’s yours, this is mine – Meanwhile, Juliet and Davis are lawyered up, sitting across from each other at a conference room table. Juliet’s attorney proposes that they each keep the money they earned individually while married; that they share custody of their cranky daughter, Emily; and that Juliet and said progeny keep the awesome residence on Fifth Avenue. Sounds fair to me.

Davis’ attorney, the shark Rafe Gropman, scoffs on behalf of his client. Apparently, Mr. Wonderful feels he sacrificed so much of himself while Juliet pursued her “craven” ambitions, he wants not only to keep his earnings, but also to receive manimony. And he wants the apartment.

“Do you know where I’ve been living? In a studio, east of Lexington,” Davis says, as if he’s been banished to the long-term parking lot at LaGuardia.

After Juliet picks her jaw up off the table, she suggests they get Jimmy Carter to build a shack for him.

Excellent idea. Habitat for Humanity requires future occupants to help build their new homes, and Davis could use something to wipe that look of entitlement off his well-moisturized mug. Although I can tell him from firsthand experience that it will definitely ruin his forty-dollar manicure.

Juliet is floored by the vitriol in the room, as if she’s never seen one episode of Divorce Court.

Davis: Rafe has helped me see that you had just as much to do with this marriage failing as I did. I am not going to be the bad guy here. Juliet: Oh, really; what are you being now, the ingĂ©nue? You stole money from our mutual account. Rafe: If it was mutual, he didn’t steal. Juliet: You cheated on me! Davis: And you cheated on me. Juliet: Hardly. Davis: And you rubbed it in my face. At least I had the decency to try to keep my affair a secret. Juliet: Yes, the first word that springs to mind when I think of your affair with Cilla is “decency.”

Rafe sits comfortably next to Davis and encourages everyone to keep sniping – the meter is running and their side expects Juliet to pay all the legal fees. Cha-ching!

According to Time magazine, the median income for a COO like Juliet is about $258,000. The median income for a hedge fund manager like Davis is about $330,000, with top managers making hundreds of millions annually. But since Davis is about as good at his job as he is at his marriage, I might make more than he does right now.

The real winner is Zoe, whose median income as an investment banker is $438,000. Where was this info when I was choosing a major?

Speaking of – Zoe is hard at work, earning those big bucks. It may seem like a lot of dough, but she has to work closely with sexist Gumby-head Clayton and incompetent promotion-whore Catherine, so consider her salary combat pay.

Zoe’s boss announces that a billionaire client named Max is setting up a Bill Gates—style humanitarian foundation and has a spare 500 million clams just looking for a home. Clayton and Zoe are supposed to work as a team to land this new big fish.

Clayton wants to go at Max with a mano-a-mano approach, leaving Zoe as the odd womano out. Zoe wants to go “green and clean” to show they understand the purpose of socially responsible funding.

This kind of deal gets someone bumped up to a senior director position, and Clayton informs Zoe she’s too much of a mommy to have the time needed for a job with such awesomeness. Zoe sees red.

It is on, Mr. Man. Meanwhile, Clayton’s wife is at home, barefoot and pregnant, but she has a maid to wash her feet.

Sake to me – Over at Mia’s place, she and Caitlin are sharing some sushi and sake and commiserating over the never-ending drama in their lives.

Mia says she sent Jack a congratulatory bottle of expensive champagne – her way of saying “Do I know you, pal?” Caitlin doesn’t get it until Mia explains that if she wanted to be sincere, she would’ve sent his favorite: scotch. Mia can dis me anytime.

Caitlin’s got her own alligators. Her girlfriend is pregnant and she’s not the father. She tries on the words: “My girlfriend is pregnant.” Twice. It just doesn’t have that “hooray” ring to it.

Caitlin: You say it. Mia: Your girlfriend is pregnant. Caitlin: No. It still sounds crazy. I mean, what do I do? Do I stay with her? What does that make me, other mommy? Mommy Two? Mia: Bitch. Caitlin: I think I prefer Mommy Two.

Mia is staring at the TV. Jack’s new girlfriend, the talking-head news anchor, is on the air and wearing Mia’s designer scarf. Not the same scarf: her scarf.

And this is why you have to do a full and thorough sweep before vacating a relationship. We all learn the hard way. Somewhere, someone is listening to my My Aim Is True CD.

Over on Fifth Avenue at 70/30 Split Street, Juliet pulls up in her chauffer-driven town car to find Davis emptying the apartment of artwork and other goodies. As the doorman looks on, bored out of his mind, a snooty old neighbor tells Juliet this is not how it’s done on Fifth Avenue. Tell that to her husband, as he skips away with an oil painting under each arm.

Ladies who lunch – The next day, the girls gather to graze on greens and dissect. Juliet tells them what a conniving butthole Davis has become, as if they haven’t known that for years. She thinks it’s all the lawyers’ fault because, although she doesn’t live in her fantasy castle in the sky anymore, she still keeps it as an investment property. Davis will probably want that, too.

Every time Miranda Otto is on screen, I find myself marveling at her alabaster skin. Lovely.

Juliet advises Zoe never to break up with Eric, and tells Caitlin and Mia never to get married. Caitlin may not want to buy the cow anyway – although we have yet to see her getting the milk for free – because very soon, those udders are going to be off-limits to everyone but the baby.

Mia says sadly that she’s not likely to be walking down any aisles anytime soon. Breaking up with someone and arriving at the inevitable “You’re dead to me” isn’t working for her, because she can’t seem to get rid of Jack. Every time she turns around, there he is – in a magazine, being talked about at her office, on TV wearing her scarf by proxy. Jack’s like a bad meal that keeps repeating on her, and no manny or brain surgeon can help her with that kind of agita.

Mia: Maybe this is the universe telling me things aren’t over between us. Caitlin: Please don’t go by the universe. Every time I’ve done that, I end up in a strange apartment, hunting for my thong.

Like that’s never happened to you before.

Mia says her last order of business with Jack is to get their sex tape back. Yipes, that is the first thing you take with you. Repeat after me: full and thorough sweep!

Good Catholic girl Caitlin is amazed at Mia for making a sex tape at all, until everyone else admits they, too, have poorly-lit video of themselves making hilarious sex faces, shot at the most unflattering angles possible.

Zoe erased hers to record her grandmother riding a pony, or maybe the birth of one of her children or something. I don’t know. I was too busy imagining Caitlin’s sex tape and stopped listening for a second.

Juliet’s sex tape was recorded during a vacation in Greece, where she and Davis groped with another couple and ate feta. Juliet is a vixen of the classiest kind.

If these uterus walls could talk, too – Caitlin accompanies Alicia to her ob-gyn appointment. The sonogram reveals a heartbeat. Allegedly. You really have to take the doctor on her word; sonograms don’t look like anything but bad TV reception at this stage. Caitlin cracks, “Do you, by any chance, see a Tahitian pearl earring in there? Because I lost one recently.”

I heart Caitlin.

The door flings open. In walks a skinny blonde, acting all “sorry I’m late” with a big, doofus grin on her face.

Someone make the popcorn: here we go.

Alicia: Olivia! Caitlin:Olivia? Alicia: My ex, the one I was trying to get pregnant with. Olivia: You must be Caitlin. I didn’t mean for this to be so awkward. Caitlin: It wouldn’t have been, if we’d known you were coming. Olivia: Alicia told me about the appointment. Alicia: I didn’t think you wanted to be here. Olivia: Why wouldn’t I? It’s my baby, too. Doctor: The baby looks healthy, in case anyone’s wondering.

Heather has three mommies.

Caitlin and Olivia have a smile-off as Alicia watches from below and wonders if they wouldn’t mind each grabbing an ankle and helping her out of the stirrups.

Here are the red flags:

  1. Olivia knows about Caitlin, but Caitlin didn’t seem to know about Olivia.

  2. Alicia told Olivia about the appointment, but failed to mention that conversation to Caitlin.

  3. Olivia looks insane. Or, the actress thought it was such kooky fun to be playing a lesbian, she decided it was OK to ham it up.

  4. I think I saw Olivia’s orthodontic retainer in the sonogram.

Back in Jack – Mia meets Jack for a drink to negotiate the return of her scarf and the sex tape. Jack is happy to give everything back, if only he knew where the sex tape was. Mia was the one who hid it. He smiles disarmingly at her.

Flush with his new title and paycheck, Jack is sweet and agreeable, and even suggests that Mia go ahead and use her key to rummage around his apartment for her things. She still has a key?

Old relationships never die; they just get added to the pile. Ask Caitlin and Mia.

You pitch, I’ll catch – Zoe and numb-nuts Clayton meet with billionaire do-gooder Max and his lovely wife, Cynthia.

Clayton oversells the deal, promising double-digit returns. Max smells what Clayton’s stepping in and nods his head approvingly. Meanwhile, straight-shooter Zoe dials it back and warns of Warren Buffet—esque problems, and Cynthia is equally impressed.

Between the two of them, their good cop—dumb cop act just might work.

Zoe offers to take them to a chichi wine-tasting dinner, but the billionaires have tickets to Die Fledermaus. Hmm. Opera or getting drunk. Can’t we do both?

Cynthia offers to give Max’s ticket to someone named Bianca. Hmm. Is it Mick Jagger’s ex, or the psycho beeyotch from America’s Next Top Model? As they leave, Cynthia hangs back to talk to Zoe.

Cynthia: Zoe, I know how difficult it is for women to rise in this field, mothers especially. Zoe: Oh, the stories I could tell. But to work with a woman of your stature on something as meaningful as this, I just … I would love it. Cynthia: That’s what I like about women; they talk to each other. And if this moves forward, I’ll need someone to talk to. Zoe: Me, too.

Cat Burglars – Mia asks Caitlin to go along on her recon mission at Jack’s apartment. Caitlin is dressed like a cat burglar, by way of Dolce & Gabbana. So cute. She’s even starting to stand like a dyke.

Inside, they wander around looking for the sex tape. Caitlin doesn’t find the X-rated material, but she does help herself to some staples she’s found. That’s not nice. Steal office supplies from your workplace, like the rest of us. Ever try walking out with a ream of copier paper in your pants? It’s not easy, but it can be done.

Mia remembers she stuck the CD behind the TV. They reach around and each pull out a CD labeled, “Mia.” One is the sex video of Jack giving it to her, the other is some innocuous birthday footage of him giving her a cupcake. Aw. Sweet and spicy.

Mia gets misty-eyed watching the couple they once were – on her birthday, not in bed! – when they hear a key in the door. In walks the news anchorette, Liz, wearing Mia’s scarf.

Liz: Oh, this what you were looking for? Thanks for letting me borrow it. I got a lot of compliments on it. Mia: Don’t you have any clothes of your own? Liz: I really don’t wear much when I’m here. Mia: Could you not talk much when you’re here? I don’t even know how you can, without a teleprompter.

Liz isn’t smart enough to go toe-to-toe with a woman who went to business school and runs a magazine.

Mia: Liz, I know that you came here to show me that this is your territory now, but the fact that you had to make an appearance when you knew I’d be here, proves that it’s not. Liz: Aww. You just can’t handle that Jack’s moved on. Mia: And you can’t admit that you’re the rebound girl. Enjoy the bounce.

Snap, sister!

Bad news? – Juliet is in a meeting when her assistant interrupts to say Davis had a heart attack.

At the hospital, Juliet finds Cilla is already there. The reasons for his coronary are front and center.

Being the Florence Nightingale that she is, Cilla called her ex-husband’s cardiologist, the best in the city, to look for Davis’ heart.

Cilla has some words of wisdom for the about-to-be-divorced Juliet.

Cilla: I just wanted to say – and I wish someone had told me this the first time I got divorced – it’s actually a very liberating experience. I’m sure there are parts of you that have gotten buried or lost in this marriage. You get all that back. Plus, the summer house.

She adds that there are plenty of men out there for women in their shoes. All they have to do is sidestep their pesky wives to get to them. She bids Juliet a cheery “toodles” and sashays off to get a pedicure or vaginal rejuvenation or whatever it is rich women do with their time.

Meeting the ex – Caitlin goes to meet Olivia for a drink or five. They both agree they might as well get acquainted, as they’ll be sharing diaper duty soon. Perky, toothy, wrapped-too-tightly Olivia waves maniacally at Caitlin as she enters the bar.

Caitlin orders a shot of tequila and Olivia immediately chimes in, “Me too!” Alicia loved this woman and wanted to have children with her? Really?

Olivia tells Caitlin she’s concerned about having her child raised by someone with so many “sexual identity issues.”

Olivia: First, you’re straight. Then, you’re gay. Then, you’re bi. Caitlin: And now, I’m getting drunk. Olivia: This is my baby, and you just don’t seem like much of a role model. Caitlin: How do you know so much about me? Did Alicia tell you that? Olivia: Here’s another thing. I hope you don’t plan on having this kid call you “Mommy.” This family’s topping out at two mommies. Caitlin: Listen, you have no genetic relation to this child and neither do I. The only one who does is Alicia, so maybe we should be letting her make some of the calls. Olivia: You’ve got a lot to learn about lesbians.

Caitlin resists strangling Olivia until Alicia waddles in with her signature dimples and baby bump. Either she’s unbelievably selfish or she’s suffering from Juliet’s disease, because Alicia wants everything to be hunky-dory between Caitlin and Olivia, who sit gnashing their teeth at each other from behind fake smiles. Caitlin assures Alicia they couldn’t be hitting it off better unless they had actual clubs. Ain’t that right, Olivia?

Grrr.

Death bed confessions – Juliet is holding a bedside vigil in Davis’ hospital room. I guess their daughter, Emily, couldn’t be there because she’s busy getting jumped into a gang over at her new public school.

Davis comes to and sees Juliet there. Weakly, he apologizes for taking away the artwork, the car and her self-esteem. “Seeing you makes me think everything’s going to be OK,” he says as Juliet glows from behind and the violins swell.

Davis then tells Juliet she can have the apartment and he’s going to return all the things he ran off with. I think they’re sending something through his air tube other than oxygen.

The. Best. Cardiac. Physician. Ever. comes in and announces that Davis did not really have a heart attack – it was a panic attack. He prescribes an anti-anxiety med and a psychiatrist. How about a maturity pill? Do they make those?

The very next day – Juliet gets served with papers from Davis’ shark to vacate the apartment. So much for an amicable divorce and the healing powers of near-death experiences. She immediately hunts down Davis and finds him getting out of the Aston Martin he gave her as a gift.

Skewed by their lawyers, every move is construed as a twist of the knife. Davis verbally gave her the apartment, but only under duress. Her hospital visit was merely to manipulate him and pick at his bones. “I tried for 15 years to get something out of you, and I finally realized: there’s nothing there,” she says. Juliet turns on her well-heeled heel and struts away, feisty as all get out.

Baby business – Mia and Caitlin are downtown, walking. These two sure are hanging out a lot lately. Caitlin wonders why things can’t just be simple with Alicia. Lesbians and simple? Do you want to take this one, or shall I?

Caitlin: Why can’t it be: I meet someone, I fall in love? Can’t it just be that? Why does it have to be: I meet somebody, I fall in love, she’s pregnant?

Screeech. Stop the car. Caitlin loves Alicia? Since when? Guess the scene where Caitlin tells a woman, “I love you” for the first time ended up on the cutting-room floor too.

Caitlin: Am I ready to be a parent, which I would have to do with this other parent, who already hates me and is my doppelganger? Mia: I didn’t think she was that pretty.

Good old Mia.

They pass a children’s store and Caitlin turns to mush. She rushes in to drop a few hundred bucks on Alicia’s baby while Mia remains outside because the idea of babies makes Mia want a dirty martini in the worst way.

After-hours business – Clayton and Zoe take Max to a high-end geisha place where they lounge around, sipping scotch and getting foot massages. Where is this place and how do I get in?

Zoe tries to talk shop and command authority while a pretty girl squeezes her bunions. Max likes the way these two do business, although this kind of thing is the only weapon in Clayton’s arsenal.

Max has not dismissed Zoe yet, even though Clayton calls her a buzz-kill right in front the everyone. Zoe pitches something buzz-killish that Max’s wife has been gabbing about for forever and Max announces they have their business!

Clayton offers Max the services of the girls and private rooms upstairs, much to Max’s lascivious delight. And right on cue, with that uncanny, mysterious timing only wives and partners have, Cynthia calls to say the opera is over and she’s on her way over. Quick: Everyone puts your shoes on and act natural.

Clayton and Max put Zoe on the spot and push the cell phone at her. Zoe lies to Cynthia and says they’re all about to leave, while numb-nuts and the billionaire smile conspiringly at her. The boys scamper off to get in 10 minutes of geisha time, leaving Zoe sitting alone, feeling triumphantly dirty. At least her feet are happy.

Closure – Back in Mia’s apartment, Jack shows up with her birthday CD. Apparently, that was not the one she cared about, because she left it there. Jack is all kinds of helpful tonight and kisses her.

Next thing we see, they’re in bed. Jack is sure things can get back on track, now that he has a job as good as Mia’s.

Mia: Are you here now because you got a good job? Jack: No. Mia: Well, ’cause that’s what it sounds like. You see me on some level, and if you’re not on that level or above, then you can’t be with me. Jack: You’re reading too much into it.

But Mia is an exceptional reader, especially of the content between the lines. She tells Jack she can’t be with someone who only feels good about things depending on what his resume says. She goes to her dresser drawer.

“I was waiting, hoping you’d change your mind. But I’ve changed mine,” she says as she gives him back his wedding ring.

So long, Jack. See you on the newsstands.

Too many mommies spoil the soup – Giddy with excitement and her arms full of plush toys, Caitlin shows up at Alicia’s place to tell her she’s ready to do this baby thing with her and Doppelganger. The look on Alicia’s face is not what you’d expect it to be. Unless, of course, you have any understanding of how long lesbian relationships last on network TV.

Alicia says ominously that she has something to tell her. The look on Caitlin’s face goes from excitement to dread in one heartbeat.

Caitlin: Oh, no, no, no, no, please … I’ve seen that look before.

Alicia: This is really difficult. Caitlin: No, it’s not. No, you have the easy part. I have to stand here and listen to things I don’t think I really want to hear.

Alicia explains that Olivia was the one who left her, as if that sheds any light on her transformation from patient lover to fickle head-gamer in under two months. And don’t blame this on hormones.

Alicia adds she wasn’t expecting to meet Caitlin at all, but she was glad she did. Except, ya know, for the Sam part, when Alicia said she was “crushed.” I’m sure she told Olivia all about it.

Alicia was nowhere near as crushed as Caitlin is now. Alicia calls their relationship “wonderful,” but already, it has a past-tense feel to it.

Caitlin: Not as wonderful as Olivia coming back, right? Alicia: I didn’t know this was going to happen. Caitlin: You know, I was prepared to change my whole life for you. And all the time, I was just backup.

Alicia is a fool.

Caitlin tells Alicia she can keep all the things she bought for her. Everything except the family photo album. “This is for me,” she says firmly as she makes her way to the door.

All she needs is that photo album. And that ashtray. And paddle game. And remote control.

Caitlin’s face, as she heard the trapdoor creaking under her feet, was something to behold. Wow. Bonnie Somerville.

Revenge – Less heartbreaking is watching Davis’ beloved Aston Martin getting towed away. No, it’s not because he parked it in a tow-away zone. That would be the real New York. This is TV New York, where there’s just tons of parking in midtown Manhattan during the day. The cop tells Davis that the car is registered to Juliet and someone reported it stolen. Huh.

As she watches from the luxurious leather cocoon of her town car, Juliet says to herself, “Careful, Davis. You don’t want to have a heart attack.” The blacked-out window goes up slowly as her driver pulls away.

Juliet, I like your style.

Over at Zoe’s office, everyone is celebrating something, and it’s not Zoe’s landing Max’s 500-million-dollar-foundation account, as it should be. Clayton was promoted to Senior Managing Director. I’m shocked Catherine isn’t so far up his ass, all you can see are her Jimmy Choos hanging out of the back of his jacket.

Zoe blows her diminutive stack and tells Henry, the senior partner, some of her thoughts.

Zoe: Forget this one deal, which I made happen. I have generated more business for Gorham Sutter than anyone else. And yet the only people who get promoted around here are men; white men, to be blunt.

Wisps of steam leak out of Zoe’s ears.

Henry: I don’t like what you’re insinuating. Zoe: I am not insinuating anything, Henry. I’m saying it straight out. It doesn’t matter to you, does it, that I have given everything to this firm, including my integrity? Henry: Integrity? C’mon, this is Wall Street. As far as a promotion goes, well, you know that that is a tricky process. Your time will come. Zoe: Oh, I know it will, Henry. It just won’t come here. Henry: Well, not if you keep up like this. Zoe: Don’t worry, I’m not going to. I quit.

Zoe grabs a flute of champagne and struts out with it.

Vodka and fudge – The girls have had quite a week and gather to get drunk and slather their wounds with fudge. Caitlin says her mother would be so proud. Caitlin’s mom is a fat alcoholic.

Zoe’s looking for a movie companion for tomorrow, and every weekday thereafter. Juliet wants to throw Cilla Gray out a window, but really, her best revenge is to let her have Davis. Mia broke her shredder when she tried to feed it her scarf.

Caitlin doesn’t say a thing about giving up on women, which is nice. Not these women, anyway. I know who’s going in her family photo album: her chosen family. Caitlin is so gay.

Next week – Zoe goes nuts being a stay-at-home perfectionist. Juliet fends off a billionaire while Mia doesn’t measure up enough to adopt a dog. Caitlin’s off the market and diverts her energy towards saving her job.

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