Previously on — Last week was all about the haves and have-nots.
Zoe hired a manny and Mia had a taste of what he was cooking. Dream husband
Davis was having his cake and eating it too, but when he had his way with their
joint bank account, Juliet wasn’t having it and finally decided to divorce his
ass. Alicia admitted she’s having a baby. Caitlin admitted she had a man. Had
The last to know — Mia is just arriving at her swanky office when
she gets a string of phone calls from her fellow mafiosa. Zoe wants to know if
she’s OK. Juliet tells her she’s there for her. Caitlin asks if she’s taking a
Mia informs Caitlin that
"Mia Mason does not do sick days."
Mia could be in a coma and still be approving photo layouts — one
squeeze of the hand for yes, two for no and three for get Annie Leibovitz on the
Even her assistant brings
her a muffin, so she can eat her pain away. Mia has no idea what’s with the
interventions. Obviously, she has not read this week’s issue of Your Ex magazine, which hit newsstands
that morning. Jack Cutter, former fiancé and sore loser, has just been named
publisher of a competitor, putting them back on the same level battlefield.
That’s yours, this is mine — Meanwhile, Juliet and Davis are
lawyered up, sitting across from each other at a conference room table.
Juliet’s attorney proposes that they each keep the money they earned
individually while married; that they share custody of their cranky daughter,
Emily; and that Juliet and said progeny keep the awesome residence on Fifth
Avenue. Sounds fair to me.
Davis’ attorney, the
shark Rafe Gropman, scoffs on behalf of his client. Apparently, Mr. Wonderful
feels he sacrificed so much of himself while Juliet pursued her
"craven" ambitions, he wants not only to keep his earnings, but also
to receive manimony. And he wants the apartment.
"Do you know where
I’ve been living? In a studio, east of
Lexington," Davis says, as if he’s been banished to the long-term parking
lot at LaGuardia.
After Juliet picks her
jaw up off the table, she suggests they get Jimmy Carter to build a shack for him.
Excellent idea. Habitat
for Humanity requires future occupants to help build their new homes, and Davis
could use something to wipe that look of entitlement off his well-moisturized
mug. Although I can tell him from firsthand experience that it will definitely
ruin his forty-dollar manicure.
Juliet is floored by the
vitriol in the room, as if she’s never seen one episode of Divorce Court.
Davis: Rafe has helped me see that you
had just as much to do with this marriage failing as I did. I am not going to
be the bad guy here.
Juliet: Oh, really; what are you
being now, the ingénue? You stole money from our mutual account.
Rafe: If it was mutual, he didn’t
Juliet: You cheated on me!
Davis: And you cheated on me.
Davis: And you rubbed it in my face.
At least I had the decency to try to keep my affair a secret.
Juliet: Yes, the first word that
springs to mind when I think of your affair with Cilla is "decency."
Rafe sits comfortably
next to Davis and encourages everyone to keep sniping — the meter is running
and their side expects Juliet to pay all the legal fees. Cha-ching!