Sick of having the cloying, traditionally heterosexual holiday crammed down your throat every year? Us, too. But that doesn’t mean we’re too proud to both queer it and capitalize on it in our own way! So today we take liberties and license in order to bring you our We Know Better Than Cupid list of the couples we’d most like to see make it work. Or, if nothing else, at least just make it.
Where they meet: The International Conference for Club Owners and Agent Provocateurs in Miami
How they fall in love: Suze Orman’s rousing keynote speech, "Power Attracts Money (and Hot, Younger Women)," inspires Dawn Denbo (Elizabeth Keener) to begin construction on a lesbian-themed, adults-only amusement park.
Hoping Orman can help her expand her vast and evil empire, Denbo wins her heart with a sound business plan and a firm (but mostly gentle) touch. The self-proclaimed 50-year-old virgin suddenly feels hip and popular on the sassy Denbo’s arm — and is surprised to discover her natural affinity for Turkish oil wrestling.
Of course, Orman knows that along with three-way enthusiast Denbo comes her beautiful lover, Cindi. And a woman with Orman’s economic savvy would never pass up a good two-for-one special.
Where they meet: At sea
How they fall in love: Emboldened by her discovery of the mysterious (and empty) magical chest in Season 3 of Dante’s Cove, Brit (Michelle Wolff) dons her scuba gear and heads back into the ocean for more treasure hunting. Unfortunately, she paddles face-first into fellow plunderer Captain Mendoza’s skiff.
The self-proclaimed "modern-day pirate" hoists Brit aboard, and before you can say "parlez," the two are role-playing as Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann.
The scientist and the swashbuckler spend the rest of their days swilling delicious rum cocktails (expertly mixed by the multi-talented Brit) and capturing luxury liners. One Olivia cruise at a time, they recruit a whole army of lesbian pirates, finally legitimizing our right to hang those stupid skull and crossbones air fresheners from our rear-view mirrors.