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AfterEllen.com Valentines: We Know Better Than Cupid

Sick of having the cloying, traditionally heterosexual holiday crammed down your throat every year? Us, too. But that doesn’t mean we’re too proud to both queer it and capitalize on it in our own way! So today we take liberties and license in order to bring you our We Know Better Than Cupid list of the couples we’d most like to see make it work. Or, if nothing else, at least just make it.

1. Financial guru Suze Orman and The L Word‘s SheBar owner Dawn Denbo Where they meet: The International Conference for Club Owners and Agent Provocateurs in Miami

How they fall in love: Suze Orman’s rousing keynote speech, “Power Attracts Money (and Hot, Younger Women),” inspires Dawn Denbo (Elizabeth Keener) to begin construction on a lesbian-themed, adults-only amusement park.

Hoping Orman can help her expand her vast and evil empire, Denbo wins her heart with a sound business plan and a firm (but mostly gentle) touch. The self-proclaimed 50-year-old virgin suddenly feels hip and popular on the sassy Denbo’s arm – and is surprised to discover her natural affinity for Turkish oil wrestling.

Of course, Orman knows that along with three-way enthusiast Denbo comes her beautiful lover, Cindi. And a woman with Orman’s economic savvy would never pass up a good two-for-one special.

2. Dante’s Cove‘s oceanographer/scuba instructor/bartender Brit and Pirate Master contestant Jupiter Mendoza Where they meet: At sea

How they fall in love: Emboldened by her discovery of the mysterious (and empty) magical chest in Season 3 of Dante’s Cove, Brit (Michelle Wolff) dons her scuba gear and heads back into the ocean for more treasure hunting. Unfortunately, she paddles face-first into fellow plunderer Captain Mendoza’s skiff.

The self-proclaimed “modern-day pirate” hoists Brit aboard, and before you can say “parlez,” the two are role-playing as Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann.

The scientist and the swashbuckler spend the rest of their days swilling delicious rum cocktails (expertly mixed by the multi-talented Brit) and capturing luxury liners. One Olivia cruise at a time, they recruit a whole army of lesbian pirates, finally legitimizing our right to hang those stupid skull and crossbones air fresheners from our rear-view mirrors.

3. Exes & Ohs‘ Chris and Kris and Friends‘ Carole and Susan Where they meet: Online, in a seemingly innocent parenting chat room (just ask The L Word‘s Tina – aka Lindsey76 – about those chat rooms)

How they fall in love into bed: While researching parenting tips online, Chris and Kris (Megan Cavanagh and Angela Featherstone) “meet” Carole and Susan (Jane Sibbett and Jessica Hecht), two veteran lesbian mommies. What starts as an exchange of homemade baby food recipes quickly devolves into something decidedly more swinging.

The nerdy twin shirt—wearing wives from Exes & Ohs find that online “play” with the nerdy twin hat—wearing wives from Friends jazzes up their boring little domestic life, so they invite them for a visit. The once-vanilla Carole and Susan soon learn that the Ch/Krisses’ “pet accessory” business includes access to a dizzying array of leashes and collars. Oh my!

The best part of this whole scenario? Annoying friend Crutch accidentally walks in on the orgy and is so traumatized that she runs out of the House of Ch/Kris never to be seen again. And she takes her guitar with her.

4. Who Wants To Be a Superhero‘s Whip-Snap! and Scooby Doo‘s Velma Dinkley Where they meet: In a creepy old mansion filled with bad guys

How they fall in love: Whip-Snap! (Paula Thomas) may have gotten the boot from that Sci Fi Channel reality show, but that hasn’t put a stop to her crime-fighting endeavors. She continues to kick ass and take names, and on one of her missions she meets the brainy, bespectacled sleuth from the original Scooby gang.

Intrigued by her prim schoolgirl look, Whip-Snap! convinces Velma to dump her Mystery, Inc., colleagues and join forces with her instead. Intrigued by Whip-Snap!’s alleged superpowers (how does one turn an enemy into sand?), Velma does some investigating and falls in love, turning them into the fiercest lesbian duo to battle injustice since Rosie and Kelli took their little cruise to Jamaica.

(Incidentally, Velma takes a shine to her new lover’s signature whip, and “Jinkies!” makes the leap from catch phrase to safe word by the end of their first caper.)

5. The L Word’s Joyce Wischnia, Esq., and Law & Order‘s former New York Assistant D.A. Serena Southerlyn Where they meet: A Lambda Legal cocktail party in Ft. Lauderdale

How they fall in love: Still recuperating from her spring break antics with some frisky coeds, vacationing cougar Joyce Wischnia (Jane Lynch) finally spends an evening doing business with the grown-ups. There she meets the still unemployed Serena Southerlyn (Elisabeth Röhm), and the two discover they have more than just litigiousness in common.

A former employee of The Man, Southerlyn digs Wischnia’s suit-and-tie look. And Wischnia, a seasoned veteran of love, knows that nothing turns her crank more than a hot blonde with a tight skirt and a prevailing sense of righteous indignation.

6. Loving Annabelle‘s teen lesbian jailbait Annabelle and Foxfire‘s teen bad grrl Margret “Legs” Sadovsky Where they meet: At the 7-11

How they fall in love: Lonely and missing her recently incarcerated teacher/lover, Annabelle (Erin Kelly) straps on her acoustic guitar and hitches a ride to the local convenience store for some smokes. Imagine her surprise when a beautiful stranger walks in and expertly swipes a couple of Slim Jims right out from under the shopkeeper’s nose.

Legs (Angelina Jolie) gives Annabelle a knowing wink, and before you can say “juvie,” the two are sharing some pilfered tallboys by a campfire in the woods.

One thing leads to another, and by the end of the night Annabelle and Legs are sporting new prison-style tattoos (reading “Simone” and “Maddy,” respectively) and hatching a plan to jack a Winnebago and get out of town. Annabelle plays seedy lesbian bars across the country while Legs sells Annabelle’s homemade CDs (and the occasional dime bag) to help support them. The girls fall in love, Annabelle gets a record deal, and eventually becomes a rich and famous indie rocker.

Hey, it worked for Jewel.

7. Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s Kennedy and Blood Ties‘ Vicki Where they meet: A graveyard

How they fall in love: The two vampire hunters meet cute when attempting to exterminate the same creature. Witchy Willow has kept the neglected Kennedy (Iyari Limon) at arm’s length for months, so Kennedy has nothing to lose when Vicki (Christina Cox) decides to quit flirting with those two boring guys and make good on all those pesky bisexual rumors.

Kennedy and Vicki have a gothy commitment ceremony and spend their honeymoon in Transylvania, where staking vampires is simply foreplay.

(Willow, finally single again, figures out how to resurrect Tara, and they live happily ever after. Like, forever.)

8. Under the Tuscan Sun‘s Patti and Cashmere Mafia‘s Alicia Where they meet: Lamaze class

How they fall in love: If your businesswoman girlfriend is part of a crew that dubs itself the Cashmere Mafia, it’s a safe bet that she’s probably not watching her (or your) biological clock as closely as she’s watching the Dow. This is what Alicia (Lourdes Benedicto) learns when she starts wearing those fugly maternity jeans and her girlfriend, Caitlin, hits the road.

So Alicia stoically trudges off to Baby Gap and Target alone as she prepares for the challenges of single motherhood. But she gets a pleasant surprise when, true to bad machine’s prediction in her last Cashmere Mafia recap, she meets a new love interest in Lamaze class.

The woman in question is feisty mom-to-be Patti (Sandra Oh), who’s also recuperating from being abandoned by a no-count girlfriend (played by Kate Walsh before she became – ironically – former head of neonatal surgery on Grey’s Anatomy!).

Being the only lesbians in class creates an immediate camaraderie, and somehow all of that huffing and puffing is a big turn-on for both of them. With due dates eerily close together, the two share a birthing room – which is the pregnant lesbians’ version of a U-Haul – and order tandem epidurals. The whole thing is way creepier and a lot less romantic than it sounds. But it works for them, so don’t judge.

9. Painkiller Jane‘s Jane Vasco and The L Word‘s Tasha Williams Where they meet: In an abandoned subway tunnel in Los Angeles

How they fall in love: While under investigation by the military for being gay, Tasha Williams (Rose Rollins) is hand-selected for a secret mission in a rogue government agency. The woman doing the selecting is Jane Vasco (Kristanna Loken), a former DEA agent who now leads the hunt for “neurological aberrants” (aka “neuros”) – human mutants with supernormal mental powers that interfere with the ability to distinguish right from wrong.

On her first mission, Tasha is ordered to “neutralize” Jenny Schecter, the annoying neuro who’s been living right under her nose.

Vasco is so impressed with her new recruit’s neuro-hunting skills that they dub her “Painbringer Tasha” and turn her loose on the cast of Curl Girls and Work Out, too. Who knew there were so many lesbian crazies neuros?

One night after work, over a couple of cocktails, the “painkiller” and the “painbringer” act on their inevitable attraction to one another. For a career girl like Jane, romance with a co-worker is really the only option. As forTasha, her weakness for mouthy, know-it-all blondes is already the stuff of legend.

They steal away together to form an even more rogue agency and go on a top secret mission that involves daiquiris, sunsets and long walks on the beach. The demanding life of the civil servant is not for everyone.

10. 3Way‘s Roxie and Exes & Ohs‘ Sam Where they meet: At some bar

How they fall in love: Honestly, “love” might be a strong word. But “fall” is completely accurate.

After being over-served at a bar on St. Patrick’s Day, the exuberant fitness guru Roxie (Cathy Shim) stumbles and lands in the lap of fellow patron Sam (Marnie Alton). Ever the opportunist, Sam takes Roxie home and learns that in addition to heavy drinking, Roxie’s other hobbies include swordplay and pole-dancing.

The next morning, Sam also learns that Roxie is on a break from her girlfriend, Andrea, but has every intention of getting back together with her. Exhausted, amused and, quite frankly, relieved, confirmed bachelorette Sam sends her flexible playmate home in a cab and goes back to bed. For a month.

11. The L Word‘s Shane McCutcheon and South of Nowhere‘s Ashley Davies Where they meet: In the chair at Bangs

How they get what they deserve: Shane (Kate Moennig) uses her underwear modeling money to rebuild the recently torched Wax hair salon/skate park, renaming it Bangs.

Bangs is immediately the most exclusive (i.e., rad) place to get a questionable haircut, which does not go unnoticed by 18-year-old millionaire Ashley Davies (Mandy Musgrave). High on the fresh excitement of over-paying for everything, Ashley shells out big bucks to get butchered by everyone’s favorite non-butch stylist.

When the two players meet, they can’t help but be curious about each other’s rumored game. They set out to seduce each other, only to find themselves as bored as an old married couple because they have all the same moves. Frustrated and sheepish, they slink back to their respective playgirl pads and act like nothing ever happened.

So much for Shashley.

12. Time Traveling Lesbian Rebecca Drysdale and future First Lady Barbara Bush Where they meet: Smith College, April 1945, at tennis practice

How they fall in love: Rebecca Drysdale’s willingness to time travel for the good of all humankind is tested mightily when she’s sent back to 1945 to prevent Barbara Bush from dropping out of college and marrying future U.S. President George Herbert Walker “Poppy” Bush.

The athletic young coed (then known as Barbara Pierce) meets her dashing new doubles partner from the future and finds her irresistible. After practice, they head back to Barbara’s dorm room to “study,” and she forgets all about that uptight guy from the prep school in Andover. She stays in school, graduates with a degree in physical education, and turns out to be the First Lesbian for many a girl to come.

As for “Poppy,” he dates another girl – one from a less gay college. They eventually marry, but they never have any kids. What a shame.

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