“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.6 “Lights! Camera! Action!”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Détente: Hard to come by when you share a border with SheBar.
Love: According to Alice, it doesn’t always matter.

Tongue-clicking and winking: Ways to get the ladies.

Comparing: What’s never fair in love or war.

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew sheds her skin; Jane Lynch makes a deal; Clementine Ford gawps at the natives; Alicia Leigh Willis and Elizabeth Keener take their gloves off; Kate French questions authority; Wendy Glenn and Angela Gots play dumb; Cybill Shepherd gets wild; Wallace Shawn laughs his trademark laugh.

No less icky the second time around — Oh, boy: a Lez Girls rehearsal. Nina is peeing on an ovulation test stick.

Gretchen/Nina: You’re not gonna shoot the pee stream, are ya?

Jenny: I might. So just keep on going.

Ack! She might shoot it?! I guess Carmen taught Jenny to appreciate pee streams. And clearly Jenny wants to make Lez Girls the darling of the festival circuit. I can see the blurb now, peppered with Sundance-y words like “edgy,” “carnal” and “no-holds-barred.”

Bev enters the scene, expressing her excitement about the ovulation and giving Nina a little kiss.

Bella/Bev: [to Jenny] I’m fine with all that. But then it says that I “F” her against the sink. I just … I’m not really sure what that means.

Jenny: Really?

Jenny tries to show Bella just how that works.

Jenny: You’re gonna take her, and you’re gonna kiss her, with tongue … and then I want you to reach down, and then I want you to finger-f— her, and give her the best f—ing orgasm ever.

And then Jenny does a finger-pointing, tongue-clicking thing that’s almost worthy of Joyce Wischnia. Ha ha!

Bella/Bev: Oh, you mean with my hand.

Jenny: Yeah. Unless you have some other apparati that I don’t know about.

Apparati. You know, the plural of apparatus. Kinda like bogi is the plural of bogus.

So Bella tries to do as she’s told, but Jenny’s not impressed.

Jenny: It might be nice if you look like you’re actually giving her pleasure, rather than moving furniture.

Jenny’s shrug is surpassed in hilarity only by Adele’s pursed lips in the background.

Bella keeps trying, but Jenny says it looks more like she’s trying to sew up a hole in Gretchen’s jeans.

Bella: [whispering] I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing.

Gretchen: [conspiratorial] Neither do I.

Isn’t that precious? Isn’t it adorable when straight actresses have no clue how to play gay? Because, gosh, they’ve just never imagined it! They wouldn’t know the first thing about kissing a woman or what two women get up to together!

Jenny: [waving her hand] Step away. Move away from her.

Jenny tells Adele to schedule some workshop time for all the actresses who are clueless on this point.

Jenny: You guys are gonna learn how to f—.

Well, at least something good will come of all this. Uh, so to speak.

Hey, wait a minute: How would Jenny even know anything about Bette and Tina’s activities — finger-f—ing or otherwise — while Tina was trying to get pregnant? She wasn’t in that scene in Season 1. If you needed proof that Jenny is Ilene Chaiken, I think you just got it.

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