Previously on — Mia started dating an Asian brain surgeon, to the
double happiness of Chinese mothers everywhere. Zoe continued to defend her
corner office from invasion by Katherine and her marauding C cups, which was nowhere
near as fun as it sounds. Juliet finally told Davis to take their marriage and shove it. Too
bad her smoky, wavering, patrician delivery lacked the knee-to-ball impact I
was so looking forward to. And lastly, Caitlin went to a lesbian wedding shower
with Alicia and oops, accidentally gave her phone number to the first penis she
ran into — literally.
Regarding the debate
about Caitlin’s line being “making out,” “hanging out” or “waking
up” with Alicia, it seems there was a critical deleted
scene showing Caitlin and Alicia waking up in bed together. Thanks to
WindRyder X and Broadway Baby for that. If we had seen that scene, there would
have never been a question.
Apparently, that scene
was cut for time. Thanks, ABC. We don’t want to see Caitlin waking up in Alicia’s
bed. No. Give me more Clive anytime. More. Clive. Naked.
Pencil me in — Zoe and Eric are lazing around in their bed, sharing
quality time and exchanging morning breath. Yes, that’s the bedroom scene we needed. Thanks once again, ABC.
Their son calls out from
the other room, “Mommy, Mommy!” because there’s a caterer in the
house. By all means, little boy, let the strangers in.
Eric, always the last to
know anything his wife is up to, learns they’re having a party later that night.
Zoe went to a school auction a million years ago and ended up winning a chef. Tonight
is the night of the $1,000 dinner. It’s all for the kids.
Zoe, always the last to
remember anything not having to do with work, is reminded by Eric that Thursday
is her 10th wedding anniversary. They both consult their respective
crackberries to find five minutes to celebrate. Maven of Money and Mergers that
she is, Zoe’s calendar is full through 2020. This is a woman who probably scheduled
the birth of her children around her conference calls. What to do?
Kids today — Since she has no one to cuddle with since Davis started forwarding
his mail to the nearest five-star hotel, Juliet’s already hard at work, pouring
her heart and soul into her career.
Speaking of the cheater,
liar and future joint-checking-account-raider, Davis walks into her office, still smug and
manipulative as all get out.
Juliet: How are you?
Davis: Well, I’m living in a hotel, and I am
lonely and I’m homesick and I’m still trying to understand how this punishment
fits the crime?
Let’s review. He’s had
his Cheaters Club card punched so many times, he’s qualified for one free latte;
he used large chunks of her money to cover his business failings; and self-serving
lies roll out of his mouth like gumballs. And for all that, he’s been banished
to the Ritz-Carlton.
I, too, am trying to understand how this punishment fits the crimes.
Then, natch, Davis throws the old girl
a bone because he knows most straight women are always just a wee bit starved
for a compliment from a man.
Davis: You look great, by the way.
Juliet: Well, I don’t feel great, if
that’s any consolation.
Juliet does look great,
in fact, having recently lost 185 pounds of dead weight. Why she feels
compelled to cheer the bastard up is a mystery. And so very, very Juliet.