TV

“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.2 “Look Out, Here They Come!”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Bridesmaid: More like bedmate, when Shane’s around. Film 101: From All About Eve to The Graduate, this episode is rife with references. Telling: What Alice does, way too recklessly.
THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Lucia Rijker flexes; Wallace Shawn waltzes; Jane Lynch plotzes.

Eloquence in small spaces – Do you ever read the TV listings in the newspaper, with those hyperefficient one- or two-sentence descriptions of movies? Here are a few examples from Sunday’s New York Times:

Stick It: “Rebellious teenager attends gymnastics academy. Not only fun, but downright dizzying.” Ghost Rider: “Motorcycle stuntman becomes flame-shooting agent of vengeance. Only thing Cage should be firing is his manager.” High Art: “Burned-out lesbian photographer. Excellent Sheedy, pretentious story.”
Those terse masterpieces have always amazed me. But this one takes the cake – here’s how the interactive guide on my DVR summed up this episode of The L Word: “Affection causes difficulties.” Again, I am superfluous.

Gonzo for Lez Girls – Tina and Jenny are meeting with Tina’s boss, Aaron. He wants more sex. Um, not in general – though that’s probably true too. But he’s talking about the rewrite of Lez Girls.

Aaron: You’re the ones who told me lesbians are always sleeping with their friends.
That takes me back to Season 1, when Bette asked Alice, “Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?” I think we all know why it’s important for this guy. He makes a loathsome scissoring gesture when he asks for more sex in the screenplay. And then he makes specific requests. First, “Bev and this makeup artist should totally hook up.”

And that’s what we get to see: Bev and Shaun making out. Urrrgh. My eyes my eyes my eyes my eyes my eyes my eyes! I was not prepared for that. How could I ever be prepared for that?! Shane? And Bette? And Bette? And Shane? Ahgahgahgahgah!

Tina and Jenny agree with me; they say that would never happen. But Aaron doesn’t care about real life. He lives in Hollywood.

Tina: You seem to be forgetting that Bev and Nina are together. Aaron: She cheats with the plumber!
Ouch.

While their creators talk, Bev and Shaun wait like surly, dormant marionettes in need of a John Malkovich or a Maria von Trapp. They spring back to life when the story lines start to spin again. (I half expect somebody to say, “Picture it: Sicily, 1942.”)

Jenny: I like the idea of Bev, the serial cheater. Tina: It undermines the significance of her affair with the plumber.
And then Aaron suggests that Nina and Shaun take the stage instead: That one made me giggle, mostly because Laurel Holloman wriggled around with such abandon. Considering this and her perfect expressions in the reimagined party scene last time, I think we can conclude that Laurel has a profound appreciation for camp. Also, now that I’ve gotten over the shock of Bev and Shaun together, I can appreciate the music, which is very secret-agent-chillout-Angela-Robinson-ish.
Jenny: No! No. Nobody ever wants to see Nina having sex. No one will ever go to the film!
Note to self: Don’t ever cross Jenny. The grudge will never die. (But it will keep you laughing while it lives.)
Tina: It’s not about what people wanna see. It’s about the fact that Nina is too loyal to cheat. It goes against her nature.
Well, whatever you might think of this meta stuff, it certainly reveals what these characters think of themselves. I mean, what the writers think these characters think of themselves. Or what the writers think of themselves? Or what they think we think they think of themselves? Help me, Mama Chaiken: I need a decoder ring!

The scene changes back to that retina-rupturing abomination: Here’s what my Max-computing-era brain is doing:

Not ready reading drive Bizarro

Abort, Retry, Fail?

Jenny comes to the rescue:
Jenny: OK, I like the idea of Bev as the cheater. I don’t see her with Shaun. What about Bev and Helen? Aaron: Now, that’s hot. I like that.
Meeeeee tooooooo. I’ve been fantasizing about that for a while now! (But, uh, Helen? Gosh, what a creative name for that character, Ms. Schecter.)

But the Bev-Helen thing doesn’t quite work out – they sort of scuffle rather than sizzle. They’re like fighting kangaroos. Fighting kangaroos in black bras, that is. That makes a pretty big difference. But Tina’s not impressed:

Tina: [chuckling/choking] That would never happen. They’re too much alike. Jenny: [strained] OK, but they’re not having a relationship, Tina. They’re just f—ing. Tina: Well, I don’t buy it. Jenny: Well, nobody cares what you buy, OK?
As long as we’re buying things, can I place an order for the outtakes of that scene? I’m expecting these two to have a kangaroo fight any minute now.

A swanky, tree-lined drive – There’s Shane’s Jeep. She’s on some very expensive grounds. We hear her on the phone via voiceover and learn that these digs belong to William Hasley, the film financier. Shane tells Jenny she’d be happy to work on the film, but “we’ll see how today goes.” Shane and Jenny’s friendship is nice, don’t you think? It’s refreshing and not at all brain-scrambling, which is saying a lot.

The music, by the way, is “Gatecrasher” by Ping Pong Bitches. That’s fitting: Even when Shane is invited, she’s a gatecrasher.

For a brief, weird moment, I think I see Lara the “soup chef” in a catering getup. Maybe that’s because this gate Shane is crashing reminds me of Dana’s country club. But that’s probably just me grieving again. It also reminds me of Cherie Jaffe’s manse. Is there something I can take for my déjà vu this season – like Dramamine for recycled drama?

The woman who answers the door is also rather Cherie Jaffe—esque, in the way that she’s rich, married (yeah, she’s William Hasley’s wife) and vaguely dissatisfied. And in the way Shane looks at her ass while saying, “You’ve got a really nice place.” That innocuous pleasantry has never sounded so dirty. And Mrs. Hasley has no trouble reading between the lines.

Mrs. Hasley: I’m glad you like it. Shane: [huskily] I do.
Mrs. Hasley shows Shane to a room awash in femininity. Three young women are lounging in slips and silky robes, primping and sighing and gazing at themselves in mirrors. It’s like Shane is suddenly the hairdresser for a small-scale Ziegfeld Follies. Introductions are made: there’s Madison, the bride; Abigail, her sister and the maid of honor; and Gina, her other sister and a bridesmaid. (At first I thought there was an “early America” theme there, but I can’t think of a first lady or president named Gina. They should have named that daughter Dolley or Martha or Lucretia.) All three of them are instantly charmed by Shane, who is indeed looking rather dashing. I guess, after four seasons of being last in line when they handed out the hairdos, she traded places with Beals this year. Mrs. Hasley says the photographer will arrive in two and a half hours, and she hopes that’s enough time.
Shane: That’ll be plenty. Mrs. Hasley: Oh, great, ’cause I’m gonna need you to do me when you’re finished with them.
Did I say something about the Follies? Well, something just kicked me, but I think it might have been an unsubtle story line rather than a great gam.

The Planet of colliding characters – Kit and Max – who have exchanged, what, four words before this? – notice that Tina appears to be on a date.

Tina is chatting with someone who looks sorta like Cobie Smulders. (It would be great if it actually were Cobie Smulders – aka Leigh Ostin, the artist who made Angelica’s first and most lethal mobile – just to prove how small our heroines’ dating pool really is.) Tina is gushing about Angelica and Bette and how much the latter hopes the former will become an artist. And I do mean gushing – I think the pride she’s taking in her kid and ex is causing extra chimples. It’s cute, but that kind of cute is a four-letter word if you’re on a first date. Tina lists Bette’s many accomplishments.

The date: She sounds neurotic. Tina: Oh. I mean … not in a bad way.
Depends on the day, doesn’t it? Anyway, Tina, this just ain’t no way to treat a lady.

Bridezilla Manor – Madison the bride and Abigail the maid of honor are discussing the merits of marriage. Madison claims to be getting married in order to please her father.

Madison: [innocently] Are you married, Shane? Shane: No. Abigail: Do you have a boyfriend? Shane: No. Madison: [after a nudge from Gina] Do you have a girlfriend? Shane: Not anymore.
Asked and answered, sir! They probe further:
Gina: Does that mean you’ll never get married? Abigail: Gay people aren’t allowed to get married, idiot. Gina: Yeah, I know, but they can still pretend.
Aw. Not a nice way to put it, even if sometimes it feels that way.
Shane: Well, I don’t think it’s for me, but I admire people who do it. [looking pointedly at Madison] Despite why they’re doing it.
My. The Ziegfeld girls just ponder that for a moment. Judging by the looks on their faces, in about two seconds they’re going to start competing for Shane’s affections.

A bad date gets worse – Tina is still talking about Bette and Angelica when Bette walks in. Bette sees Tina and strolls over, nervously squaring her shoulders and fussing with her hair. I like it when the control freak gets her feathers ruffled, but will I ever like her hair again? Bette says hello, and when Tina introduces her to her date (barely remembering her date’s name), it sounds like a needle scratching across a record.

Denise the date: Tina’s just told me a lot about you.
Bette invites them to join her for lunch, but Tina at least has the sense to decline. Denise, however, doesn’t want to prolong this charade any longer than necessary. And Tina’s not sad about that.
Tina: [eagerly, to Bette] I’ll be right over.
Tina suggests that she and Denise get together another time. Denise thinks maybe Tina has some things to figure out. This makes Tina arch her brow and shake her head. Does she really not know that her face is like a flashing “I love Bette” sign?

Staying in shape – Dusty, Helena’s cellmate, is doing push-ups with her feet on the toilet and her hands on a table. I could watch that for many minutes. So could Helena, it seems; she’s watching with fascination from the top bunk. But neither of us gets to enjoy it for even one minute, because the scene is about 30 seconds long. It ends with a guard passing by and saying, “Shower time, ladies.” Well, at least that promises good things – unless the guard is just going to bring them a spritzer bottle, considering last week they didn’t get to leave their cell to eat lunch.

The red-light district – Max wants to use the bathroom at the Planet, but when he gets there, someone else is already in line. At first I think, “Oh, no, this guy’s gonna figure out he’s transgender and beat him up,” but then I realize the guy is Tom, Jodi’s interpreter.

Max: You know there’s stalls in there, right? Tom: Door’s locked.
So they wait. Eventually two women emerge, giggling and holding hands. Yes, the bathroom at the Planet has seen a lot of affection – Marina and Jenny, Dana and Alice. Sigh.

You might not expect Max and Tom to have any connection to the long, rich history of lesbians in the ladies’ room, but Tom is definitely giving Max some flirty looks. Tom insists that Max go into the bathroom first, mostly so he can check out his ass. Huh. I didn’t have this particular flavor of interaction on my radar at all, but I’m honestly charmed by it.

Side note about Tom: His name is Tom Mater? I prefer potaters to tomaters.

The table of tension – Bette, Jodi, Tina and Alice are sharing a meal and some conversation. Tina pretends that her date went well, and Bette pretends to be happy about that.

Bette: So what does she do? Jodi: Why do you ask that? That’s a hideous question.
Whoa. Hideous? That seems a bit strong. But it certainly is a loaded question when Bette asks it.
Tina: She’s a mortgage broker. Bette: [after a pause] Wow, that’s so … um … Alice: You know what? It doesn’t matter what she does, because she’s cute, she’s smart … right? Bette: That’s right. Alice: [under her breath, to Tina] You know, remember what we talked about.
I guess Alice really is in Lesbo Land, trying to bring some sense to a mad tea party. The only thing we’re missing is a sleeping dormouse at the table. Wait – maybe that’s me.

Bette changes the subject and asks whether Tasha is back for good. Alice babbles and twitches and says there are a million reasons why a soldier might not be deployed on schedule.

Alice: You can ask her about it tonight, though. Tina: The four of you are going on a double date?
Tina nods without meeting anyone’s eyes. Yeesh. Awkward! Alice looks so disappointed that her tutelage has come to naught. Luckily, Tom arrives to change the subject yet again.
Tom: I just pissed next to the cutest boy alive.
How romantic. They all want to know who he’s talking about, but first Alice gets a text message from Shane. Alice tells Bette and Jodi that Shane is doing hair for Tina’s boss’s daughter’s wedding. (Gesundheit.) This reminds Tina that she has to pick up her dress for the wedding, so she drops her fork and skedaddles. Way to stick them with the check!

Bette wonders how Shane is handling the Paige aftermath.

Jodi: Do you guys really think that Paige burned Wax down? Bette: I don’t think it could be more obvious.
Great, now I’m doubting it. Maybe it was Lacey after all.
Alice: I’m just worried about Shane, because I feel like everything’s escalating. Jodi: Escalating? Bette: We used to say that every time Shane walked into a room, some girl left crying. Alice: No one’s really ever committed arson over Shane before. It’s like, what’s next?
Try not to look so gleeful about it, Alice! Hee. That’s what’s next – Shane is f—ing Abigail, who cries, “I wish my sister could get married every day!”

We used to say that every time Shane walks into a room, some recapper leaves yawning. And by “used to,” I mean “still.”

Brothers in arms – On the Army base, Tasha stops by the office of a friend. At least, he seems like a friend, until she explains why she’s there:

Tasha: I’m seeking counsel. I’ve been told I’m under investigation. Captain Beech: Do you know the nature of the complaint? Tasha: Well, I haven’t been formally notified, but I believe I’m being investigated for homosexual conduct.
Beech says he hasn’t been detailed to her case, but even if he had been, I don’t think he’d want to help. Tasha sits down and presses him for some advice.
Beech: My best advice to you is to mind your P’s and Q’s and think about whether or not you want to stay in the service. Tasha: I don’t have to think about that. I’ve dedicated my life to the military.

Beech: I’m sure you have. But allegations like this are almost impossible to disprove, mostly because they end up being true. And once they’re out, the military doesn’t want you anymore. Which is understandable, don’t you think?
Sir, no, sir!

Tom learns the truth – Tom finally gets the chance to point out “the beautiful boy with the crystal blue eyes.”

Alice: Max?! Tom: He’s gay, right? Please tell me he’s gay.
Alice laughs, making Tom think there’s something wrong with Max. Bette says Max is very nice.
Alice: Yeah. He’s-sh-he’s just … he’s not gay. Anymore.
Tom and Jodi are both perplexed – so perplexed, they look like they’re about to pop something.
Alice: He used to be a lesbian. Bette: He’s a trans man.
Wait. I feel weird; why is this being presented as funny? When did Max become a punch line? I’m looking at you, Alice: I would expect less chortling from a woman who once dated Lisa the Lesbian Man. At least Bette seems to eventually go into academic mode and state the facts plainly. Tom just says, “Oh, my God, I had no idea.”

Another fish out of water – Max asks Kit about “that girl over there.”

Kit: The one that’s been sitting there for three days in the same ole clothes?
I love it when Pam Grier tries to really do something with a line – as if she’s thinking, “By God, if I’m finally gonna get to talk, I’m gonna inflect, dammit.”

Max points out that the “girl” is reading a book that looks awfully familiar. Her glasses look familiar, too. The book is all the encouragement Kit needs; she strolls right over to say hello. She asks the bookworm if she wants anything else.

Bookworm: I can’t really afford anything else.
Kit says she knows the prices are high, and offers her a slice of the pear polenta tart “on me.” Pear polenta tart? I remember that. Marina was still on the show – what a different Planet it was.

But Kit doesn’t rush off to get the tart, even though the girl says she’s starving.

Kit: So, how’s the book? Bookworm: Some of Her Parts? It’s, like, my fifth time reading it. Jennifer Schecter is my favorite author.
Kit directs the bookworm’s attention to Max, saying, “He lives with her.” The bookworm freaks, of course, so Kit takes her over to meet him.
Kit: Max, Max – uh, what was your name again? Bookworm: Adele. Adele Ch-channing. Hi.
Channing. Gee, I wonder if her middle name is Margo?

Take two – Gina’s hair has been messed up. By Gina. Help the poor defenseless maiden, Shane!

The whirling dervish – Jenny arrives at the Planet, jumps right to the front of the line and orders a medium triple soy cappuccino with three pumps of vanilla. (What do you know? That was her drink last season, too!) Kit tries to say hello, but all she gets in reply is a litany of Jenny’s woes, which range from no assistant to no satin shoes. Kit shushes her and scoots her over to Adele and Max.

Adele: Oh, my God! I can’t believe I’m meeting you. Jenny: You are! It’s great. You’ve met me.
Jenny holds out her hand like a queen offering her ring for a loyal subject to kiss. Adele opts to shake her hand instead. Jenny’s already had enough of this fan stuff, which surprises me – I’d expect her to embrace every sycophant who crosses her path. I guess she’s not interested in the Some of Her Parts version of herself anymore.

And Adele really is Jenny’s No. 1 fan: She even adapted Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster as a screenplay for her women’s studies class. This seems to make Jenny see her as a threat, or maybe just as an amusing trifle.

At least her hair is tidy now – Gina is riding Shane. And then she starts to cry. Who said that thing about lesbians and “the crying after sex” – was that Lizzie the Lezzy? It was very insightful.

Gina reveals that the married man she had a fling with will be at the wedding; she wants him to see her with Shane.

Gina: Don’t leave me.
Out of the Wax fire and into the bridal-party frying pan. Poor Shane. All those episodes and still no evolution!

Another match made in heaven – Joyce surprises Phyllis at her office, a big bouquet of flowers in her arms. Joyce! I fear my crush on you is careening out of control.

Phyllis isn’t so taken with her, though; she asks Joyce to sit down, sounding very much like an administrator and nothing like a lover.

Joyce: What is it, Phyllis? What’s on your mind?
She is the queen (or is that king?) of comedic expressions.
Phyllis: This is hard. Joyce: Well, whatever it is, just say it.
This reminds me of Jackie Woodman in that very special gay episode: “Well, whatever it is, don’t tell me.”
Joyce: Phyllis, look. I know you just got out of a 30-year marriage, and if you need to take a little more time, just take it. I’m not going anywhere. Phyllis: So you’re OK with me seeing other people? Joyce: What?! No, no no no no no. That’s not what I mean.
For one terrible moment, Joyce thinks Phyllis is already seeing someone. And then she’s even more horrified when Phyllis reveals that she’s not seeing anyone yet, but she has someone in mind, and she’s a friend of a friend of Joyce’s.
Joyce: And you met her at that party I threw for you!
Again with the hilarious face. Jane Lynch is so animated, it’s almost like she’s actually animated.

Phyllis: I’m so sorry, Joyce. Joyce: [sarcastically] Thank you! [collecting herself] Phyllis, you’re being rash. Very rash. I’m gonna leave now and give you some time to think about your actions so you don’t do something you will regret later.
And she clomps out the door, somehow cool and goofy at the same time.

All about Adele – Jenny’s No. 1 fan is telling her own story. In college, Adele studied women and film – didn’t we all? Er, she took classes in the women’s studies program and the film program. But why try to study film in Florida? That’s what Max wonders.

Jenny: [under her breath] Because she loves Disney World.
Was there ever a better setup for a carnival flashback? But no; it’s just Jenny being bitchy again. Adele explains that her mother had a nervous breakdown, so she stayed in Florida to be close to her. Jenny’s book helped her through that tough time. It’s a sad story, and yet it’s oddly suspicious. Malaya Rivera Drew, as Adele, is doing a great job: We don’t trust her, yet we want to know more, but we don’t, but we so do!
Adele: This book saved my life. Kit: What a nice thing to say! Isn’t that, Jenny?
Jenny nods, and then she comes around to Adele’s side a little, telling her to call her Jenny. Adele reveals that she came to WeHo because she wanted to see the cafe that was the inspiration for the Pluto Cafe in Lez Girls. Before it can get too cozy, Max reminds Jenny that she has a wedding to go to and thus some shoes and a gift to buy. Max, must you encourage Jenny to panic?

Adele offers to help, and of course Jenny takes her up on that, giving her a dress to carry on the way out. Well done, Adele/Eve.

Max: [after they leave] Wow. Kit: You wanted that job, didn’t you? Max: [laughing] As if! No, those days are gone.
And so is Jenny’s sanity, but that’s old news.

The proverbial soap – Whoa, there are naked women all over the screen! But no, it’s not a Shane scene: It’s that prison shower scene we were promised. Helena is trying to keep to herself (as much as one can in a communal shower). But someone – let’s call her Claire and pretend this is a crossover with Ugly Betty – has her eye on the new fish. Right on cue, Helena drops the soap.

Claire: Looks like nobody warned her about dropping the soap. Helena: [sweetly] It just slipped from my hand. Claire: [mocking] “It just slipped from my hand.” You hear that, Billie? She’s a fluff. Billie: Are you a fluff, pretty girl? Helena: I’m sorry. Maybe if you could just explain to me what that is …
Yeah, and to me too! I tried to Google, but I kept finding “fluffer” and getting distracted. Oh, and before I forget, the music in this scene is perfect: twangy and conspiratorial.

Claire advances on Helena, so Helena threatens to call security. Heh; there’s that silly Peabody we know and love. But Claire has a shiv, and she’s not afraid to scrape it up Helena’s thigh and then press it to her neck.

Claire: I want you to clique up. Blood in. Helena: It involves blood?!
Claire makes a move to show her how blood might be involved, but someone interrupts.
Dusty: Let her go, Jackie. Claire/Jackie: Why should I? Dusty: ‘Cause she’s with me.
Hello, forearms! Jackie backs off and Helena sobs, probably because Dusty’s arms are so magnificent.

Tasha tells and Alice asks – In Alice’s apartment, Tasha is telling Alice about Beech, the homophobic Army lawyer. He made her feel like she has a disease.

Alice: Well, you know what? The good thing is, you know where he stands, and now you can go get yourself a lawyer that’s not in the military. Right? Tasha: I can’t afford a civilian attorney. Alice: Let me help you, Tash. Tasha: And I don’t want a civilian attorney.
Yeah. It’d be better to go with a Martian attorney, because he or she might be able to make sense of the proceedings. I kinda doubt they’ll have much to do with Earth law.

Alice tries to be encouraging, but she’s on shaky ground.

Alice: You can win this. And I don’t even know why the Army tries to keep gays out of the military anyway. Tasha: I’m not fighting to allow gays to serve openly in the military.
No? Uh, why not?
Tasha: I’m not even trying to overturn “don’t ask, don’t tell.” That’s not gonna happen right now. Alice: Then what are you fighting for? Tasha: I’m fighting to stay in the military.
Yeah? Uh, why?

Tasha: I’ve worked my whole life for this, Alice. Alice: So you’ve worked your whole life to just deny who you are.
I know that’s not fair, and I know Alice and I don’t have the first clue about this stuff, having never been in the military ourselves. But I find myself nodding my head anyway.
Alice: I’m sorry, Tasha. I’m really just gonna have to … adjust my thinking on this one. I’m on your side, though. I am.
Tasha’s not so sure.

The wedding – The flower girls are strewing flowers. The groom is smiling. The maid of honor and bridesmaid are glowing. (And possibly a little sweaty.) The guests are ready. And as the opening strains of the wedding march float out into the fragrant air, guess who makes her grand entrance? Jenny finds a seat next to Tina, knocking off a woman’s hat on the way. Snicker.

Jenny: [whispering] I’m so sorry that I’m late. Tina: [sarcastically] Yeah, we were all waiting. Jenny: [still whispering] Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you wait. Tina: Nice dress. Jenny: Thanks, Tina.
Oh, Jenny. I rewound that a few times because it was just so perfect. As the We’re Getting Nowhere crew and Sarah and Lori have noted, Mia Kirshner is truly gifted. Somehow she finds a way to spin gold from the straw the writers keep shoveling at her.

What a shock – The bride still hasn’t appeared. She’s inside telling Shane how tired she is of trying to please her father. Hey, you see that Kleenex box on the countertop? I have one just like that in my bedroom! Luckily, there are no crying brides in my bedroom.

Shane goes into Yoda mode and reminds Madison to think about what she wants. She says some things about regret, throwing things away, and finding someone who’s faithful and treats you right. Shane has always been very good at advising everyone but herself.

Madison eventually decides to go through with the wedding – but not before trying to kiss Shane. Just this once, Shane refrains.

Shane: You really remind me of someone I used to know. A lot. No, no, it’s a compliment.
Yeah, I was thinking that too. I can’t help it; everything reminds me of Dana. (It’s like that old Jane Siberry song, “Everything Reminds Me of My Dog.”) But Shane might be talking about someone else – someone who once wore a wedding dress and then found out she didn’t need to.

But you know who else the bride reminds me of? Tegan. And/or Sara. Finally – Kit is strutting. In prison. The cons yell, “Yo, mama!” and “Brown sugar!” as she sashays by. Yes! All those piddly three-line throwaway scenes over the last four seasons have been adding up to this. It’s a nice homage to Grier’s marvelous work in the blaxploitation genre. If only she had a gun-stashing ‘fro to go with her swagger. And yet this is still too short. What a waste of a badass! Of course, she’s there to talk to Helena. That seems kinda weird, but maybe they bonded between seasons. Anyway, she explains that “clique up” means “join a gang.”

Helena: What use am I going to be to a prison gang?
Fair question. Helen also wants to know what it meant when Dusty said, “She’s with me.”
Kit: Oh, girl, baby girl, that means that if Jackie even look at you wrong, she has to answer to Dusty. Girl, I hope Dusty is tough enough to take care of you. Helena: Oh, she’s strong. She’s amazingly strong.
Helena admits she thought Dusty was a homicidal maniac at first, but lately she’s been watching her and admiring her “quiet intensity.” Is that what they’re calling it now?

Kit advises her to stick with Dusty.

Helena: How do you know all this?

Kit: I been places, OK? S—, have I.

I still say Kit rocks. Girl.

The double date for dinner – Bette is trying to figure out why Tasha wasn’t given a reason for the delay in deployment. Tasha just tries to avoid the question.

Alice: [under her breath] You can trust them. Tasha: Don’t.
Bette suddenly sees Phyllis and Joyce elsewhere in the restaurant. Jodi can tell from their body language that Phyllis is trying to break up with Joyce, right this very minute. Joyce is doing her best to talk her way out of it, or rather, back into it.

The wedding reception – Everywhere Shane looks, there’s a woman motioning to her or blowing kisses. She tries to focus her attention on Tina and asks her whether she sees anyone she likes.

Tina: Are you kidding me? This has gotta be the straightest wedding on earth. No lesbian’s ever gonna get laid here. Shane: Yeah, probably.
They go to the bar and are ambushed by Jenny, who reveals that Shane is more than welcome to “do hair on the movie.” Adele shows up with Jenny’s very generous wedding gift, plus a slice of cake for Jenny.
Jenny: [grimacing, after a bite of cake] I don’t like that.
This makes twice in one episode that I’ve rewound to laugh at Jenny! I love the way she took her gum out of her mouth, took the bite of cake, and then put her gum back in her mouth, ever so daintily.

Gina shows up and asks Shane to dance. Shane beats a hasty retreat to the ladies’ room, but not in that prurient Planet way.

The double date drags on – Jodi and Bette are kissing. Naturally, it makes Tasha nervous, so Alice tells them to cool it. They are nonplussed.

Alice: [to Tasha] This is really stupid. We should just tell them; they’re our friends. Bette: Tell us what? Alice: Tasha’s being held back because she’s being investigated for homosexual conduct. Bette: You’re f—ing kidding me. Alice: And she has to keep a low profile, so if you could just lay off the PDA …
Jodi and Bette are apologetic and awkward. Tasha storms off, so of course Alice follows.
Tasha: Alice, it’s my life. I determine when and if people will know. Alice: They’re not just people. They’re my friends. You can trust them. Tasha: It’s not them I’m worried about.
Whoa. Alice says she doesn’t deserve that, and Tasha apologizes. She explains that she doesn’t want to have to talk about it or hear everyone’s opinion of it.
Alice: Listen. I’m just having a hard time understanding why you want to be part of an institution that hates who you are. OK? I’m struggling with that. But I know how important this is to you, and I know this is everything to you. And you’re everything to me, and I’m just trying to stand here by you.
They make up, but it still feels really tense. Who will win this tug of war: love or duty? (Cue Liz Lemon making an immature comment about doody.)

An uneasy peace – Helena notices that Dusty has Dorothy Dandridge pictures by her bunk. They bond over Carmen Jones. Then Helena voices the question that’s hanging in the air between them.

Helena: Earlier, when you said I was “with you” – Dusty: Doesn’t mean I want anything. Helena: Oh.
But what if Helena wants to give something?

Another uneasy peace – Phyllis and a very tipsy Joyce have taken Alice and Tasha’s places at the table with Jodi and Bette. That’s fine with Alice and Tasha; they’re taking off. Jodi apologizes once more for the PDA.

Phyllis sends Joyce to the bar for another glass of wine, then hisses “Help me!” as soon as she’s gone. Bette looks like she wants to flee. Can we pause for a moment to talk about their hair? A That Girl flip and a Fergie crimp. Next time, can you please go for a Laverne pin curl and a Lita Ford mane?

An uneasy dance – Jenny and William dance at the wedding and talk about the impact their film will have on the whole entire world. Nearby, Tina finds such talk nauseating, but Adele finds it inspiring. Tina takes that as her cue to leave.

Uneasy negotiations – Bette wants to go home; particularly, her home, because she has to work tomorrow. Jodi says that’s not the real reason – she knows Bette doesn’t like her place and finds it too “funky.” Bette capitulates: “Fine, we’ll go back to your place.” Jodi enjoys her little victory. Are these two doomed or what?

As they all leave the restaurant, Phyllis tells Bette she doesn’t know what to do; she has already broken up with Joyce.

Bette: Do it again, Phyllis. Some lesbians you have to break up with more than once.
She says this like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. Only this time, it’s hilarious rather than heartbreaking.

The implosion begins – At the wedding reception, Gina wants Shane. Abigail wants Shane. Shane wants to flee. That’s kind of going around, isn’t it?

A restless night – Dusty is having a bad dream. She’s thrashing and grunting, which certainly gets Helena’s attention. When Helena tries to comfort her, Dusty pulls her into a headlock, but then comes to her senses.

And then Helena leans in for a kiss, and it gets very hot very quickly. Dusty pushes Helena up against the window, and they’re off – almost. First, Helena has to clear up those nagging thoughts of homicide.

Helena: Did somebody frame you? Dusty: Nobody framed me. Helena: [gasping and writhing] I’m sure, whatever it was, you didn’t mean to kill anyone. Dusty: I haven’t killed anybody! Helena: You didn’t? Dusty: It was tax fraud. Helena: Oh! Oh. Oh …
Funny and sexy. My kind of couple. By the way, I did spend a little time with my Season 1 DVDs, trying to figure out whether this is the same cell in which Bette had her wallgasm. But I don’t think so. What do we call this one … a windowgasm?

Caught – Shane is on her way out, away from all the wedding Shane-anigans. She almost makes it, but then a butler arrives: Mrs. Hasley requests the honor of her presence.

Meanwhile, in the valet line, Jenny asks Adele to be her assistant. They embrace, united by their love of Jenny Schecter.

Adele: You don’t even know how much I want to be your assistant! Jenny: Do you? Adele: Yes! Jenny: Oh, yes!
Jeez. I’m calling that a doppelgasm.

The inevitable – Shane finds Mrs. Hasley. At first, all she sees is a stockinged leg: Wait; I think I’ve seen this movie. Hello, Mrs. Robinson. Things proceed pretty much as you’d expect them to.

Including this: Just as things get hot and heavy between Shane and the lady of the house, the girls of the house go looking for Shane. They hear sighing and moaning and barge right into the room. It could be a screwball comedy sort of moment, but it’s more like a flatline.

Abigail: Mother! Gina: Shane! Abigail (and me): Eww!
As they argue, Shane grabs her jacket and makes a run for it. They chase her out the door. She tries to find her keys, but to no avail. Jenny and her Porsche happen to be passing by, so Shane hops in, hollering, “Drive, drive!” Wait, haven’t I seen this movie too? I’m so gonna ask for a refund. And maybe I’ll even try to get a free refill of this giant bucket of cinematic cheese I’ve choked down.

Next time on The L Word: Shane gives up sex; Tina seeks it out; Mama Peabody is back; Kit stares down the barrel of a gun.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button