Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (January 4, 2008)

IF SHE COULD TURN BACK TIME
Need help coming out to your parents? Of course the only logical solution is to turn to music legend Cher and her lesbian daughter, Chastity Bono, for guidance.

According to DigitalSpy.com, a "source" has said that "Cher and Chas believe they are on to a winner and have been setting up meetings with the major networks. They’d like a bidding war between the stations. It’s no secret they have had problems in their relationship and they think that makes them ideal to offer advice to those who are going through the same thing. They are looking to give their careers a lift and are promising producers there will be on-air fireworks between them.”

The "source" may be referring to some residual ammunition left over from when Chastity originally came out to her gay-icon mother, who promptly sent her to therapy to "cure" her of homosexuality. Bono detailed the whole mess in her memoir, The End of Innocence, and set the stage for the show with her book Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-Out Process for Gays, Lesbians, and Their Families. Cher has since had a change of heart and is now very accepting of gays and lesbians, including Chastity.

I think it may be a tad ambitious to presume there would be a bidding war over any LGBT programming these days, but I say good luck to them both; I hope they do find an outlet for the show. The coming-out process can be dramatic, exciting and even tragic, which makes for great television.

But do you really want the woman who came up with this outfit …

… explaining Dinah Shore Weekend to your mother?

SISTERS ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEMSELVES THEIR BROTHER
While we’ve all enjoyed heard the salacious lesbian rumors about Penelope Cruz (AfterEllen.com hottie no. 54) that seem to arise from time to time, it’s safe to say that most of us have heard them in relation to Cruz’s BFF (and AfterEllen.com hottie no. 9), Salma Hayek.

But the latest lesbianish "news" item about Cruz involves her sister, Monica. And her brother, Eduardo. I know. Ick.

Cruz’s brother recently shot a music video starring his sisters for his song "Cosas Que Contar." The story-within-a-story plot of the video revolves around a porn film and the subsequent translation into Spanish of all its audible "oohs" and "ahs" in the studio.

The voice-over actresses are played by Cruz and her sister, who suck on lollipops, file their nails, and exchange knowing glances from behind their steno girl spectacles as they translate the film. Eduardo plays the musician brought into the studio to record the soundtrack.

The translators find his music so exciting that when a lesbian scene in the film appears on-screen, the actresses are inspired to indulge in a little method acting together and make those moans of ecstasy sound like the real deal.

While it’s true that Angelina Jolie‘s ascent to the no. 2 spot on our Hot List was not marred by her previous make-out sessions with her brother, James, it’s not what got her there, either.

I think if Cruz wants to surpass her pal Salma on our list next year, she should try a different Angelina-esque activity, like becoming a Goodwill Ambassador to a foreign country, or winning an Oscar. Or having a fling with Jenny Shimizu.

Correction: It seems that the actress who Penelope Cruz is nuzzling in the video isn’t her sister after all, it is actress Mia Maestro.  Sorry for the confusion (and the revulsion).

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