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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (January 4, 2008)

IF SHE COULD TURN BACK TIME Need help coming out to your parents? Of course the only logical solution is to turn to music legend Cher and her lesbian daughter, Chastity Bono, for guidance. According to DigitalSpy.com, a “source” has said that “Cher and Chas believe they are on to a winner and have been setting up meetings with the major networks. They’d like a bidding war between the stations. It’s no secret they have had problems in their relationship and they think that makes them ideal to offer advice to those who are going through the same thing. They are looking to give their careers a lift and are promising producers there will be on-air fireworks between them.”

The “source” may be referring to some residual ammunition left over from when Chastity originally came out to her gay-icon mother, who promptly sent her to therapy to “cure” her of homosexuality. Bono detailed the whole mess in her memoir, The End of Innocence, and set the stage for the show with her book Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-Out Process for Gays, Lesbians, and Their Families. Cher has since had a change of heart and is now very accepting of gays and lesbians, including Chastity.

I think it may be a tad ambitious to presume there would be a bidding war over any LGBT programming these days, but I say good luck to them both; I hope they do find an outlet for the show. The coming-out process can be dramatic, exciting and even tragic, which makes for great television.

But do you really want the woman who came up with this outfit … … explaining Dinah Shore Weekend to your mother?

SISTERS ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEMSELVES THEIR BROTHER While we’ve all enjoyed heard the salacious lesbian rumors about Penelope Cruz (AfterEllen.com hottie no. 54) that seem to arise from time to time, it’s safe to say that most of us have heard them in relation to Cruz’s BFF (and AfterEllen.com hottie no. 9), Salma Hayek.

But the latest lesbianish “news” item about Cruz involves her sister, Monica. And her brother, Eduardo. I know. Ick. Cruz’s brother recently shot a music video starring his sisters for his song “Cosas Que Contar.” The story-within-a-story plot of the video revolves around a porn film and the subsequent translation into Spanish of all its audible “oohs” and “ahs” in the studio.

The voice-over actresses are played by Cruz and her sister, who suck on lollipops, file their nails, and exchange knowing glances from behind their steno girl spectacles as they translate the film. Eduardo plays the musician brought into the studio to record the soundtrack.

The translators find his music so exciting that when a lesbian scene in the film appears on-screen, the actresses are inspired to indulge in a little method acting together and make those moans of ecstasy sound like the real deal.  

While it’s true that Angelina Jolie‘s ascent to the no. 2 spot on our Hot List was not marred by her previous make-out sessions with her brother, James, it’s not what got her there, either.

I think if Cruz wants to surpass her pal Salma on our list next year, she should try a different Angelina-esque activity, like becoming a Goodwill Ambassador to a foreign country, or winning an Oscar. Or having a fling with Jenny Shimizu.

Correction: It seems that the actress who Penelope Cruz is nuzzling in the video isn’t her sister after all, it is actress Mia Maestro. Sorry for the confusion (and the revulsion).

A SHOT THROUGH THE HEART In truly shocking news, “bisexual bachelorette” Tila Tequila is single once again. Tequila disclosed that Bobby Banhart, the winner of her dating reality show, A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, dumped her just before New Year’s Eve. Tila says that Bobby couldn’t handle her hectic work schedule, while Bobby says (via his MySpace profile) that “she never called me after the last show and no one would give me her number.”

Tila said that she didn’t choose runner-up contestant and lesbian firefighter Dani Campbell as her lover because, as scribegrrrl recently told us, she wanted to keep her as her “closest friend.” But don’t cry for her, Argentina. Dani is doing just fine.

Dani appeared on the TV special Tila Tequila’s New Year’s Eve Masquerade 2008, is on the latest cover of GO Magazine, and is launching her own clothing line, Futch. And on Jan. 6th, Dani will be appearing at the New York City L Word Season 5 premiere party. Dani did an interview with AfterEllen.com just before the show ended, and then after the finale answered a few follow-up questions for us.

AfterEllen.com: Now that you are finally able to talk about the end of the show, how do you feel about Tila’s choice? Dani Campbell: Her choice is her choice. I am happy for them and I hope they have a great future together. I learned a lot from my experience with Tila and I have walked away a changed person. I learned to open up to people and I thank her for that. Tila is a very sweet and fun girl and I wish her nothing but the best.

AE: What are you planning to do with your newfound fame? DC: I’m not sure what the future holds for me, but I’m going to embrace it with open arms. It’s all very exciting and I hope to do great things.

AE: Are you dating anyone yet? DC: Not yet!

Yep, it’s just the sort of good-hearted attitude that won her so many fans during her run on A Shot at Love. And that will probably incite lesbians to set fires and toss their cats into trees for a very long time.

And Tila? She’s jumping back on the love train once again with another season of A Shot at Love, set to air this spring on MTV.

Sure, Tila’s coming back, but what about all of those lesbian and bisexual viewers who were miffed by her choice of Bobby over Dani? Or the fact that the show seems like such a sham (at least to some viewers)?

Tila announced on her New Year’s Eve Masquerade, “This time I wanna find love for real.” Oh, I hope she does. I also hope that Tila’s New Year’s resolutions don’t include swearing off lap dances for contestants’ grandmothers. I need something to look forward to when I’m recapping Season 2!

LOVE AND BASKETBALL WAR Just in time for the Season 5 premiere, The Daily News recently ran a brief article about Rose Rollins, the The L Word‘s Tasha, about her role on the series. Rollins says that she had originally signed on to play a basketball player, but was instead cast as a closeted soldier.

Rollins said of the change, “I prefer it; it’s a more serious character,” and added, “[But] at first I was slightly intimidated.” In preparation for the role, Rollins Rollins spoke to 10 soldiers, including a few whose sexual orientation had been an issue while in the military. Series creator Ilene Chaiken told The Daily News: “When we created the character of Tasha, one of my writers said to me, we should do a lesbian who serves in the military, somebody who serves in Iraq. Once we finished our first season with her and touched upon the issue, we said we have to do ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.'”

I can only imagine what would have happened if they had gone forward with plans to cast Rollins as a badass basketball player instead of a badass soldier, and then somehow found a way to get her in on that pick-up game from hell in Season 4. By the end of the first period, 98-pound weakling Jenny Schecter would have been wearing – not sipping – her mocha latte on the court.

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I think I should be in the top five [on the AfterEllen.com Hot 100] and bump Sarah Shahi out next year.” – Cashmere Mafia star Bonnie Somerville planting the seed with readers and talking smack about her friend and L Word alum Sarah Shahi in an interview with AfterEllen.com

PAGING NURSE GOODBODY We at AfterEllen.com love Marnie Alton. Yes, she’s straight, but she played such a great lesbian in Exes & Ohs and a fever-inducing “Hot RN” in our dating stories video blog that we wanted to give her music video some play here.

 

Hmm, playing a lesbian on TV, then singing an earnest yet tragic love song while playing the acoustic guitar? Marnie, you’re officially one bad haircut away from becoming a lesbian icon!

DROP AND GIVE ME 20 AFFIDAVITS Bravo’s Work Out, starring out lesbian trainer Jackie Warner, has borne witness to a lot of drama, including star Jackie Warner’s (now ex) girlfriend Mimi Saraiva‘s violent histrionics in Season 1 and the death of trainer Doug Blaisdell in Season 2. And now it seems that even behind the scenes at Sky Sport and Spa, trouble is brewing.

David Russo, a TV producer, claims that he shared his idea for a reality show called The Gym with his then-agent, Amy Shpall, back in 2004. In a lawsuit filed this week, Russo accuses Shpall of stealing his idea for what would eventually become Work Out, and he’s suing her for $5 million. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Russo “claims that in 2004 he shared several drafts of his treatments for The Gym and his ideas to create a brand name and platform to merchandise health and fitness products with Shpall.” He claims that that Shpall had been a “good and trusted friend.”

Shpall hasn’t commented on the lawsuit, but I will! I hope they sort this out quickly, because I want to know exactly who to blame for Jessie and Rebecca’s catfight over Jackie, and who thought it was a good idea to put a biting lesbian on television. Because that just makes us all look bad.

WHEN THE TEASER MET THE INTERNET We’ve been writing about the upcoming lesbian film When Kiran Met Karen for some time now, following the casting and re-casting of the movie (original lead Purva Bedi dropped out), as well as the re-tooling of what was, at first, a lesbian romantic comedy. As Malinda told us back in November, the story is now about a famous Bollywood actress, Kiran, who is engaged to a millionaire music producer, but has an affair with a lesbian journalist, Karen. When the paparazzi find out, they try to ruin Kiran’s marriage and career. As the paparazzi sometimes will.

The first teaser for the film has now been released, and you can watch it below. I suggest you turn down the speakers if you’re watching it at work, as the soundtrack is a bit … overwrought:

The teaser doesn’t give me a lot of hope that this is going to be one of my desert island flicks. In fact, it doesn’t really give me much hope at all.

SLEEPOVERS WITH GIRLS: NOT JUST FOR LESBIANS ANYMORE Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana, has hit the big time. How do we know? No, not by her record sales or the fact that they’ve made a doll in her likeness. We know because she’s the target of lesbian rumors!

Photos of the teen Disney star (and daughter of mullet enthusiast/country singer Billy Ray Cyrus) sharing a bite of candy with a friend at a sleepover were recently leaked onto the internet, and speculation about the potential swapping of additional spit with the friend immediately ensued. Naturally, Cyrus denied any lesbian undertone in the photos, saying: “They’re nothing bad! It’s not something I’m going to let slide. I’m really upset about it, ’cause it was, like, not even a big deal … That’s one of my best friends. I have all these girls who I hang out with all the time. It’s two girls at a sleepover, and if all of a sudden that’s bad, then what is the world coming to?”

My opinion? Hey, we might be starved for lesbian visibility, but we’re not so desperate that we have to start turning everyday teen slumber parties into lesbian orgies.

IS KATIE TAKING THIS WHOLE “SILENCE” THEME A LITTLE TOO FAR? Just over a year ago, Sarah wrote about the rumor that British singer Katie Melua may be in a relationship with a lesbian photographer Lara Bloom. It was part of a longer piece about the moral quandary of outing celebrities, and Sarah spoke for many of us when she wrote, “I want more high-profile women to come out as much as the next lesbian does, but it seems like something they should want to do, not something they’re forced into.” Apparently Melua still doesn’t “want” to come out as gay or bisexual any more now than she did in 2006. She recently did an interview with the British publication The Daily Mail for an article entitled, “Katie Melua: I’m just an ordinary girl, but don’t ask about my sexuality,” in which she talks about her CD Pictures and her artistic integrity, but not her, well, sexuality.

In the interview, the reporter asks Melua point blank, “Are you gay?” to which she replies, “People can think whatever they like … I like to keep some mystique around my public image. In a sense, the less you give the better.”

In keeping with the less is more approach, Melua answers a question about her “friendship” with Bloom by saying: “I really try not to talk about my friends … They are all special, they are all stars in their own right and I love them specifically because they don’t want to be famous by association with me.” Which is the same criteria I have for selecting my friends too!

Below is the video for Katie’s second single from Pictures, “Mary Pickford.”

  And for the cover of the CD, Melua takes a turn as silent movie star Pickford’s friend Charlie Chaplin. I think this photo of her in male drag should put those lesbian/bi rumors to rest once and for all!

PUTTING THE “ADULT” IN “ADULT EDUCATION” Over here in the States, we can’t get no Satisfaction, the Australian drama about six female sex workers (one of whom is a lesbian). But we are getting some nifty updates on the show thanks to AfterEllen.com blogger (and new resident of Australia) Jamie Lynn.

This week, Jamie Lynn gave us her analysis of the show via email:

Ever wondered what would happen if Jenny Schecter took up sex work for creative inspiration? In an Australian brothel? Me neither, but some Australian writer appears to have channeled Ilene Chaiken for episode five of Satisfaction. Meet Tippi (Bojana Novakovic), a young woman putting herself through adult education courses by working at a brothel.

Her favorite class? Creative writing, natch. Sure, she writes about her own clients – we’re treated to creepy flashbacks worthy of The L Word. No circuses yet, though one might argue Tippi’s job qualifies. But Tippi’s masterpiece is yet to come: She’s been taking notes about the women who work beside her. (Hey, sometimes that’s literal.)

Names are slightly changed, but it’s obvious to them all who’s wearing the “clichéd underwear.” The lesbian character, Heather (Peta Sergeant), is “The cynical firebrand who likes her men in a frozen state.” Paging Miss Schecter – some girl in Australia is channeling your overwrought adjectives. Heather’s response is worthy of Bette at her crankiest: “We’ll make a deal with you, Holly-go-lightly. We won’t rip your tits off if you tell us who’s who.”

I won’t get into the rest of the truths uncovered in this episode (entitled, rather obviously, “Truth”). Suffice to say that one of the Tippi’s truths involves making a Freudian taboo a little more literal than I’m comfortable with. “Daddy” on this show has so many definitions.
Daddy issues? That is so 2007. 2008 is all about sisters. And brothers. Just ask Penelope Cruz.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHAMPAGNE TO GO WITH YOUR BEDHEAD? Comedian and AfterEllen.com’s latest victim vlogger Bridget McManus is back by popular demand after making a couple of guest appearances on our We’re Getting Nowhere vlog.

Starting this weekend, Bridget will have her own weekly AfterEllen.com vlog, Brunch With Bridget, in which she and her guest(s) will discuss current events, review movies, have pillow fights and talk about anything else that might creep into that deliciously demented brain of hers.

Look for the first episode to be posted on AfterEllen.com this Sunday at 10 a.m. ET.

And if the promise of topics like “movies” and “current events” aren’t enough to lure you in, you can always check out Brunch With Bridget to see what jammies she’ll be wearing, as she’ll be taping the vlog from her bed – and even guests are required to wear PJs. Yeah, I thought so. See you on Sunday!

DO YOU HAVE A HANKY? Back in April, Sarah told you about out musician Sandra Grace‘s amusing video for “Do You Have a Lover.” Here it is again just in case you missed it the first time:

 

Grace is back, but this time with something a bit more doleful. Undeterred by her adventures in clubland, and after finally finding someone who did not already have a lover, the new single is all about relationships. Grace’s video for “Stay With Me” depicts a lesbian love affair from its conception to its death:

I think it’s clear that whether she’s settled or single, Grace still uses the Meisner technique for songwriting.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Trey Anthony tells us that a recent episode of ‘da Kink in my Hair (Episode 8) about a black Caribbean lesbian coming out inspired much debate. You can watch the episode online at dakinkinmyhair.com.

Are you a lesbian that enjoys playing video games? Go commune with your people at the website lesbiangamers.com, or watch their video blog on AfterEllen.com next Tuesday.

Classic lesbian pulp fiction-turned-play The Beebo Brinker Chronicles is moving to Off Broadway in February, with previews beginning on Feb. 19.

Malinda and Sarah P.’s vlog, The Lo-Down, will be returning on Tuesday, Jan. 15, not Jan. 8, due to the fact that they need an extra week to make their vlog bigger and better than ever.

In her last BLWE column, scribegrrrl introduced you to the new web series Rebecca Drysdale Is a Time-Traveling Lesbian. Now we’ve made it even easier for you to see it you can watch all eight episodes on AfterEllen.com. The more people who watch it, the more likely HBO will be to fund future episodes of the show. Think, McFly, think!

This weekend is a veritable bonanza for lesbians on TV. Check out the season premieres of The Wire, Cashmere Mafia and The L Word this Sunday. For the latest information on Cashmere Mafia, check out our spiffy new Cashmere Mafia hub page, and look for our interview with The L Word‘s Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey on Monday!

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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