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“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.4 “Like a Virgin”

Tenacious D – Former witch and space-time busybody, Diana, is having a helluva time adjusting to life as a civilian. Stripped of her magic powers by Griff, the Tresum Council’s enforcer, and running a surf shop on an island where nobody surfs because it messes up their hair, Diana’s days are filled with moping around the house wearing nothing but a tea-stained caftan and watching The Witches of Eastwick on the classic movie channel.

Diana goes to see Griff one more time to implore him to give back her mad magic skillz. Unmoved by her sad tale of woe, Griff tells her to let it go already.

Griff: Diana, it’s over. Quit now, or things will only get much, much worse. Trust me.

Diana: Which is precisely why I should be allowed to right these wrongs. I’ve given my life to Tresum.

Griff: The answer is no.

Tail between her legs, Diana returns home to throw a pizza-for-one in the oven and watch The Craft.

Let’s make some magic together – Meanwhile, at the Dante’s Cove Oceanography Institute and Tool Shed, Michelle is paying Brit another visit to further seduce her with her come-hither eyebrows (good) and ghastly cotton top (bad).

The seduction strategy for wearing that fashion nightmare is for Brit to beg her to take it off.

Michelle: C’mon Brit. You know we’re good together.

Brit: Things are good with Elena. I don’t want to f— it up by dredging up old flames.

Michelle: Is that all I am to you?

Michelle moves in for the kill and kisses Brit, dredging up all sorts of flamey things.

After just enough lingering lip action to enjoy it without owning it, Brit breaks off the kiss and pushes Michelle away. Elena is the only one dredging in Brit’s canals these days.

Michelle says tightly, “I’m sorry I came back here – I don’t know what I was thinking,” even though she knows damn well what she was thinking: Brit on all fours in the garage.

Michelle says she needs Brit to be the friend and sidekick to her Nancy Drew if she is ever going to solve The Mystery of the Mauled Parents. It also might be solvable with a little Tresum spell she found. Brit is OK with being friends, but balks at the mere mention of magic.

Brit: Whoa! I’m a scientist.

Uh.

Brit: I have no interest in this otherworldly bulls—.

Michelle: You said you’d help.

Brit: Tresum is nothing but trouble.

Michelle: Yeah, well, that’s what I told Van, too. But when you lose everyone you love, all bets are off. Just wait. You’ll see.

Brit: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Realizing she bared a little too much fang, Michelle backs off by saying that maybe one day, Brit will see Tresum isn’t so bad after all. Brit the Scientist scoffs. And does some quick tide calculations in her head, because that’s what absent-minded ocean scientists do. Or so I’ve heard.

Sacrifices – Over at Grace’s place, there’s something going on that’s even more disturbing than Michelle’s shirt: Grace is on her knees, swearing loyalty and servitude to her arch-nemesis, Griff. Oh, my eyes.

Wearing a biblical hood and robe, Grace does a candle ritual with her new master and commander. “I pledge to serve the will of the Council and the will of my avatar, Griffin,” she intones with utter and complete defeat.

Griff moves behind Grace. For a second, I thought he was going to give her one of his Magic Purple Nurples, but instead, he takes his medallion off and bestows it upon Grace’s soft, milky-white neck.

I now pronounce you Man-whore and wife.

But then, Griff does something astonishing. He takes Grace’s hand and allows her to rise.

Grace: But I’m your aspirant.

Griff: Yes, and an aspirant is a partner.

Grace: Partner? In what sense?

Griff: In every sense.

Griff takes Grace into his bulging arms and kisses her tenderly. She melts into him, not having felt the touch of a man – or anyone, for that matter – in over 167 years.

Griff knows this is not part of the Tresum guidelines, but the guy just can’t help himself. Grace is unlike any of his other conquests. He might actually like her.

The 197-year-old virgin – Grace and Griff retire to her boudoir and pose for the cover of a romance novel.

Paging Fabio.

They fall naked into bed and begin kissing. Grace pulls back and mentions, “You know, I never …”

In 1840, Grace was a young, untouched woman engaged to Bro, back when he answered to “Ambrosius” and everyone churned their own butter. After catching him playing Hide the Salami with his manservant, Grace broke off their engagement, her age and virtue becoming frozen in time. Grace is a 197-year-old virgin.

Griff’s usual playa attitude falls away and he gently asks Grace if she’s sure she wants him to be the one to air out her mothballs for the first time. She says she’s never been so sure of anything in her whole life.

I feel so dirty.

He’s free to do what he wants, any old time – While Grace and Griff eat cherry pie, Toby is at home taking the garbage out. As he hauls a lawn-and-leaf bag (full of shirts he hasn’t worn in forever) to the curb, Kevin comes running out of the darkness and gives him the good news: He’s ditched Bro’s Gay Bracelet of Enslavement and is ready to come home.

Toby doesn’t understand.

Kevin: I broke free of Bro. That a–hole didn’t even see it coming.

Toby: You told me you were happy – I saw you.

Kevin: I had to say that because of the bracelet. But it’s gone. I told you that when I came to see you.

Toby: You never came to see me.

Kevin: Remember? The lawn chair? Outside? The hot tub? C’mon, you can’t forget that.

Toby: No, but those were dreams.

Kevin: Toby, I was there. I learned the powers of Tresum. I came to you through astral projection.

M’kay.

Kevin explains to Toby that he did it all for the nookie. Kevin then tries to entice Toby by describing the manly improvements he’s made to himself using magic.

What time is it? – Bro finally wakes up from his long, long nap on the floor. The last thing he remembers is Kevin dosing him with bad cologne. Now he’s alone and has no idea what day it is. Sound familiar to any of you?

He does a quickie locator spell and sees Kevin smiling and talking to Toby. Bro frowns with disgust and immediately starts planning something evil and crazy from his Controlling A-Hole and Stalker’s Manual.

Back at the scene of deflowering, Grace is now easy like Sunday morning. The new snuggle bunnies lie on Grace’s sheets, languid and intoxicated with each other. Griff smiles and tells Grace it was an honor. Ya damn skippy it was.

Somewhat out of the blue, Grace asks Griff to read her Shadow visions. She learns fast: Intimacy breeds favors. He laughs at her refreshing artlessness – an aspirant telling her avatar what to do. How cute is that? Griff is smitten.

She knows you’re alone – At Brit and Elena’s house, Elena is home alone and pulling her pants up while listening to her iPod. I don’t even want to know what she’s been doing.

Suddenly, the house fills with the sounds of voices, white noise and creepy music. Elena covers her ears in pain. Not a big fan of Yoko Ono, Elena?

A door creaks open a few inches all by itself. The hairs go up on the back of Elena’s neck. “Who’s there? Who the f— is there?” she calls out into the empty house. The door opens a little more, the darkness from behind it gaping wider and wider. This would be the time to go outside.

But no. Elena takes off up the stairs, grabs a fire poker from somewhere – even though they don’t appear to have a fireplace – and jumps into the nearest wardrobe cabinet. My God, she’s small. And flexible.

Through the crack between the doors, Elena can see something moving in the room. The door swings open. It’s Michelle and her scary, scary shirt.

Elena jumps out of her hiding spot, relieved it’s just the woman who’s been hitting on her girlfriend, and not the boogey man.

Elena: Did you see? Something was chasing me.

Michelle: There’s nobody here but me.

Elena turns to see Michelle’s zombie eyes and cries, “It’s you!” as she swings for the fences with her little poker. But subsisting on nothing but H2Eau’s bar peanuts and Brit’s “Seaweed Surprise,” Elena is weak from hunger and no match for the evil that is Michelle.

Michelle grabs at Elena’s throat and tears out a nice chunk. Elena goes down with the world’s smallest thud.

Just then, Brit comes home. She finds Elena on the floor, her neck yawning open and dripping with blood. Brit calls out for help as she holds Elena’s wound closed with a bandana she just happens to be wearing around her arm. Michelle skedaddles out the back door and runs away.

Outside, Toby and Kevin hear Brit’s screams for help and come rushing inside. Brit begs Toby to call 911, but it’s busy. The cove’s one and only operator is on the phone ordering Victoria’s Secret undies from the mainland.

Between the three EMT rejects, an odd emergency plan starts to take shape.

Kevin: OK, wait, wait! I, uh, I can do a healing spell from Bro’s book …

Brit: Are you f—ing crazy?

Kevin: I can do it, I know I can!

Toby: Brit, it’s worked before.

Kevin: I just gotta get the book – it’s back at Bro’s place.

Toby: If we’re going to use magic, Grace is here …

Brit: We need a real doctor, not a f—ing witch doctor!

Kevin races out the door to get Bro’s book. Toby runs off like Lassie to get help. Brit holds Elena’s limp head in her lap and begs, “Please don’t die,” while she mentally takes back every dirty thought she ever had about Michelle.

Come quick, Timmy fell down a well – The hottest couple since Seal and Heidi are still languishing in bed. Grace tells Griff she feels her powers coming back. Amazing sex will do that to you.

Suddenly, there’s a loud banging on the door. The outside world has come crashing into their little love nest. Grace can’t be caught with her lovah, so she tells Griff to disappear, which he does. Literally.

Grace does a magical quick-change from her bathrobe to a black ensemble and says with a flourish, “The bitch is back.” Have I mentioned I heart Grace?

At Bro’s house, Kevin bursts into the bedroom, only to find Bro lying on the bed, fondling his broken enslavement bracelet and waiting for him. Kevin doesn’t bother with pleasantries or apologies and demands to know where the Sun Book is.

Bro doesn’t understand why Kevin can’t stay and love him like the good old days — just a paranoid, power-mad boy and his adorable slave pet. Nobody will ever love you like I do, now get in your cage and shut up.

Bro tries to put the enslavement bracelet back on Kevin, but Kevin shakes him off and tells him to get a clue.

“God, look at you, you’re pathetic. Possession isn’t love, Bro. You can’t force someone to love you,” Kevin says. He stomps out of the house without the Sun Book.

Back at the scene of the crime, Grace is examining Elena’s wound. When she places her hands on Elena, Grace sees more House of Shadows visions. Toby and Brit stand by watching, attractive yet helpless. Brit, the scientist, still wants to get her girlfriend to the hospital, but Grace informs her it will be useless. The wound that no conventional doctor or fashion bandana can fix is the result of a Shadows’ human host.

Bro’s talk to himself – While Grace deals with Elena’s slow demise, Griff goes to H2Eau for a well-earned drink. Dehydrated, sweetie?

Bro sails in and tells Adam he’s not to be disturbed and disappears into his office. OK, Captain. No one’s looking for you, but whatever.

Adam tells Griff that Kevin was there earlier, looking for something in the office. Griff rubs his chin, thinking.

In the office, Bro finds the place ransacked. All his rum orders, music research and pages from his book, The 21st Century for Dummies, are strewn about like so many autumn leaves.

Bro hops up on his desk and takes the Sun Book from its hiding spot in the tray ceiling. Bro gives himself a maniacal grin and says, “Kevin, you’re not as smart as you think.” Hey, Bro, you’re not as sane as you think.

Damn it Jim, I’m a Moon Witch, not a Sun Witch – Grace does a spell to “stabilize” Elena, but to cure her, she needs the Moon Book. Elena’s wound requires a “unique” spell only found in the Moon Book. Problem is, someone checked the Moon Book out of the Witch Mountain Library and never returned it.

Toby says that Kevin went to steal Bro’s Sun Book, so there’s that.

Does Grace really have to explain the difference between the sun and the moon to dear Toby? Apparently, she does.

Grace: I’m a Moon Witch. I can’t read the text in the Sun Book.

Toby: Kevin can read it for you.

Grace: Kevin’s a novice; he’s intoxicated by power. Something this grave requires someone very experienced … and I know just the person.

Would that “someone” be Griff? He does both Suns and Moons. He’s bi-celestial.

Flame out – Back in his ransacked H2Eau office, Bro is doing a Kevin-ownership spell.

Bro: Flame burn. Heart bind. An aspirant’s devotion, reborn in flame.

The flame won’t flame. Something’s wrong.

Bro: Flame, flame. Burn, burn. As I speak the name: Kevin.

His spell is either too flaming or not flaming enough. I’m not sure which.

Bro throws a hissy fit and sends more papers flying to the floor. He hides his Sun Book back in its secret spot and storms back out to the bar where Griff tells him to chill out and have a drink. Bro is too mad to raise a glass with Griff and jets off in search of more power. And by “power” I mean Griff’s patented Anonymous Sex Energy Drain.

After charging up, Bro will be able to drag Kevin, kicking and screaming, back into his loving, binding arms. It’s not everyone’s scene, but hey, no one ever said love was easy.

Under her spell – Adam is waiting on tables and brings Griff another vodka on the rocks. Adam notices that Griff has the look of a man who’s got it bad for someone and asks who’s got him whipped. Griff denies it and to prove it to Adam (and himself), he starts making sexy eyes at the first person he sees: a beefy guy who’s sitting across the room wearing nothing but a pair of Daisy Dukes and work boots. It’s a look.

Griff and Daisy have an entire conversation with each other using only their eyebrows. Still sitting in his chair, Daisy shows Griff what he’s got, including what a poor job his tiny shorts do at containing his assets.

Griff smiles invitingly. Daisy saunters over to Griff’s table and proceeds to give him a lap dance. Griff asks, “So, can we talk a little first?”

Talk? Daisy no talk. Daisy can barely tie his boots. Daisy want sex. Suddenly turned off, Griff tells Daisy maybe he’ll sample his low-hanging fruit another time and walks away from a sure thing. Grace’s powers really are back.

He’s a maniac – Two men are down at the beach packing up their surfing gear in the pitch dark. Night surfing: It’s the latest craze. As they change out of their wet shorts, they decide now’s as good a time as any to get it on. They jump into their Jeep for a quickie because there is no finer feeling than sticky vinyl on bare ass.

Suddenly, Bro jumps out of the bushes. He grabs both men and drains their energy as they thrash around like fish on a dock.

After Bro takes what he can get from them, he runs off in search of more prey. No one is safe tonight. Except maybe Diana, who’s too depressed to be having sex with anyone.

Bro heads over to The Lair, home of the all-you-can-meat buffet. If it’s horny men he needs, this is the place to be.

Bro gets to work and sends yet another unsuspecting naked man to the floor. The manager, Thom, comes over and tells Bro he looks like crap. Bro thanks him by draining him to within an inch of his life, then casually steps over his limp body.

Honeydew list – Grace comes running into H2Eau. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Grace run before. Damn, having sex has given her the boost of her life. She tells Adam she’s looking for Griff, and it’s urgent.

Right on cue, Griff comes up behind her and kisses her bare shoulder, all lovey-dovey.

Grace: A little public, aren’t we?

Griff: Sorry.

Grace: Come with me, please.

Griff: Let’s go.

Griff isn’t sure if Grace wants more sex or for him to hang some shelves. He only knows she needs him, and so there he goes, running out of H2Eau with his girlfriend.

Grace brings Griff to the top of a cliff, where they begin a couple’s vision spell. They both see the images of blood and mayhem, and then, Michelle.

Finally, Griff believes the House of Shadows is plaguing the island. Grace can see it’s been Michelle all along – she’s the Shadow host. Griff adds, “Her resurrection at the solstice was the portal.”

Well, now that the mystery’s solved, Grace and Griff can sit down and talk about their age difference and if this is really going to work.

The plot thickens – Elena is still bleeding. She really should be dead by now, but thanks to Grace’s Band-Aid spell, the blood flow has slowed to a trickle. Toby comes barreling out of the house and runs into Michelle, who’s now carrying an ugly diaper bag to go with her maternity blouse. Someone in wardrobe has a drinking problem.

Michelle runs into Toby and pretends to care about Elena. Toby runs off to the garage, where he keeps the first aid kit because there’s no room in the bathroom, what with all the hair care products and body lotions. As soon as he’s gone, Michelle’s worried face transforms into an evil smirk.

Back at H2Eau, Grace and Griff have returned from the cliffs. They tell Adam, who’s had his own spooky visions, that he wasn’t just high on Saint when he saw all that gore.

Grace: A horrible evil has come to Dante’s Cove.

No, it’s not Hannah Montana.

Grace: You’ve seen in it your visions.

Adam: That s—‘s real?

Grace: Only too real. Your friends Elena and Marco are only the first of many victims to come.

Griff: [to Adam] You come with me. I may need your help with Ambrosius.

Adam: I gotta get someone to cover the bar.

By all means, take your time. The end of the world can wait while you try to trade shifts with the busboy.

As her new beau, Griff tells Grace to wait at H2Eau; this is dangerous man’s work. Grace scoffs and tells Griff she’s going back to tend to Elena. Griff tries to pull rank as both her avatar and her significant other. Besides, he gave her his high school ring and everything.

Grace: [laughs] Oh, you don’t think I’m bound by that silly oath, do you?

Griff: Of course you are. You said the pledge, you accepted my medallion.

Grace pulls a different medallion out of her shirt, pretends to wipe a tear from her eye and laughs. The bitch really is back.

Grace: So, the words I spoke during the ceremony [sniff, sniff] meant nothing.

Griff: And the words you spoke after?

Grace: Those, my dear … those meant everything.

Grace looks at Griff with sincere tenderness and kisses him. He’s never going to be able to control her, but Griff will always be Grace’s boo. Griff has been heels over head a thousand times, but this is the first time he’s been head over heels.

Adam has found someone to cover the bar, allowing him to assist Griff. He and Griff go off in search of Bro, leaving Grace to watch her knight in shining island casual head out to save the world.

A visit from the ex – At Elena’s vigil, Brit finds Michelle at the front door offering help and a shoulder to nibble on. Brit breaks down and starts to cry all over Michelle.

There, there. “It’s OK, I’m here now,” Michelle assures Brit. Brit wipes her snotty nose on Michelle’s shirt and turns away. Michelle drops her mask and reveals another sinister lip curl.

Binging – At The Lair, Bro is going through men like a wood chipper through a puppet factory. Just how many gay men are there in Dante’s Cove, anyway? If Bro succeeds in draining all of them, who will be left to spend their hard-earned money at H2Eau? Bro’s shooting himself in the foot with his own musket.

Trevor happens by and sees the dangerous game Bro is playing. He runs, but Bro catches him, throws him down and chokes the broth out of his chicken.

Lies and the lying liars who tell them – Jumping back to Elena’s deathbed, Brit can’t see any reason someone would want to hurt her sweet, harmless Elena. Michelle sits fondling her necklace and staring into space. “Maybe she had to die,” Michelle says, even though Elena’s not dead yet.

Brit doesn’t know how she’ll go on living without Elena by her side. Michelle tells Brit she’ll get used to it. The pain, the denial, the not having to spend money on anniversary cards anymore – it’s all part of the grieving process.

Brit: You’re supposed to make me feel better.

Michelle: I’m sorry. It’s just – I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love. I have an idea.

Michelle pulls the elusive Moon Book out of her diaper bag. There it is.

Brit: What are you doing with that?

Michelle: It’s all I have left of Van.

Brit: Jesus. You’re the last person I thought would get involved with this shit.

Michelle: I think I found a spell that can help Elena.

Brit: Grace already tried some bulls— spell and it didn’t work.

Oh, Brit. We love the cynical, observant scientist in you.

Michelle: How do you know she didn’t do this to Elena?

Brit: Why would you say that? Do you know something?

Michelle: If I were you, I’d want Elena’s fate in my own hands, not Grace’s.

Brit doesn’t know who to believe anymore. She looks over at Elena, who appears to be snoring.

The bigger picture is lost on Bro – Back at The Lair, Griff and Adam arrive just in time to see Bro trying to put Trevor down like a bad dog. Adam lunges for Bro, knocking him right off his Skechers.

Adam is no match for Bro, who turns the tables on him and starts a new drain. Not wanting to wrinkle his shirt, Griff doesn’t jump into the fray, but does remind Bro there are bigger things to worry about than Adam.

Griff: You can’t take that much power from one person! You can do permanent damage, even kill someone!

Adam: Stop!

Bro: Don’t you want me to get Kevin away from your love, Toby?

Adam: What the f— are you talking about?

Griff: C’mon! Both of you! There are bigger issues at stake than Kevin and Toby. The House of Shadows …

Bro: I see Grace has been spreading her gospel of destruction! Nice try, Griff, but I have other plans.

Bro releases Adam from his grip and storms off in a big gay huff. A world without Kevin is no world Bro wants to live in. Freak.

Touch it – Back to Brit and Michelle and a dozing Elena. Michelle tells Brit she wants her to touch it. The Moon Book, that is. Like so many other things, the spell won’t work without Brit’s right hand. Michelle tries to lay a guilt trip on Brit to get her to cooperate.

“Don’t you want to help Elena? Don’t you love her? Then do it!” Michelle demands.

Brit doesn’t know what to do. Her hand hovers over the Moon Book hesitantly. Just as she’s about to press her palm down on the book, Grace bursts into the room and cries: “Brit! Don’t!”

Confronted by the powerful Moon Witch before her, Michelle tries to put all of Elena’s troubles back on Grace, but Grace commands the Shadow to show itself. Michelle lowers her head and when she raises it again, her eyes have gone crazy train, and she attacks Brit in a rage.

“Bitch, get off of me!” Brit screams. That’s the first time she’s ever had to say that to Michelle.

Grace launches a magic flamethrower at Michelle and then throws herself into the fight, pulling evil Michelle off Brit.

Grace may be older than every tree on the island, but she can throw down with the best of them. Michelle retreats to the front door. She eyes the Moon Book, but Grace throws a protective force field around it.

Michelle runs out of the house, defeated. “We just kicked her ass,” Brit says with surprise.

Outside, Michelle runs past Toby and Kevin, who are still standing around with their thumbs up their asses and no Sun Book to show for it. Toby and Kevin go inside to find out what they missed while they were admiring their abs in the moonlight.

Inside, Grace picks up the Moon Book and suddenly sees Van, her dead aspirant, running away from something in the sand. It was Michelle she was running from. Michelle killed Van, not the tsunami.

Van was also Toby’s best friend ever. He can’t believe it. “Michelle would never do that!” he says, because he just missed Michelle’s transformation.

In the brine with Brit – It’s daylight, and Grace and her ersatz Scooby Gang are still tending to Elena, who hasn’t slept this much since her flight out to the island, oh so many weeks ago.

Although he never bought the absurd tsunami story, Toby is still in disbelief that Michelle could murder anyone, least of all her own girlfriend, Van. Brit blames herself for letting Michelle back into her life. Grace lays the whole mess at Van’s dainty feet. Personally, I blame wardrobe.

Finally able to study her Moon Book once more, Grace finds a passage that might hold a clue.

Grace: [reading] Sealed within a prison of wood, within the brine.

Brit: OK, so what does that mean?

Grace: [reading more] With a sign of aged power …

Hmm. A wood prison. In the brine. With a sign on it. Is there a scientist in the house?

The faintest hint of realization slowly emerges in Brit’s eyes. “The box …” she says slowly.

Everyone follows Brit outside to her truck – she was driving the box to a facility to have some tests run, and she just happens to have it with her!

Grace recognizes the symbol on the lid from her and Adam’s visions. Grace has to tell Toby that yes, Adam really did have prophetic sight. He wasn’t just smoking Saint behind his back.

Kevin remembers the magic he created when he touched the lid and tries to show everyone what he can do. He puts his hands on the box, but this time nothing happens.

Grace is thoroughly unimpressed. She tells Toby and Kevin that the only way they can be useful is to carry the Shadow Box up to her room.

As they take the box into the house, Grace’s sister and fellow witch, Diana, shows up. She tells Grace that Griff told her about the House of Shadows being in town, and she’s there to help.

Grace: Haven’t you done enough? Because you decided to fool with resurrection, we all may have to suffer for eternity.

Diana: Grace, let me help right this. It’s my only chance.

Grace: And what exactly can you contribute? You don’t even have power anymore.

Diana: I have knowledge. I know where to find Michelle, and I know how to draw the Shadows out of her.

Because knowledge is power, Grace decides to run off with Diana to the motel where Michelle is staying: The Golden Shower Inn.

Take the “L” out of lover and it’s over – Inside the house, Kevin has a chance to talk to Toby in private. He wants his former boyfriend to run away with him, away from “all this Shadow s—,” and away from Bro’s stalkerish ways.

Toby doesn’t want to leave now that things are just getting good: People are dying! Plus, he’s the only chef at H2Eau, and who’s going to grill all that endangered sea bass?

Trevor and Adam come hobbling home, having recovered enough strength to put their pants on and escape The Lair. Toby and Kevin join them outside on the chaise lounges, where Trevor regales them with tales of Adam’s awesome bravery in his fight with Bro.

Trevor also tells the guys about Bro’s new power trip to get Kevin back. And Toby apologizes to Adam for thinking he was back to his druggie ways – he now knows it was Grace who slipped him some Saint.

Adam: It’s for the best, right? I mean, it got you back with Kevin. It’s obviously where you want to be.

Toby: Don’t tell me where I want to be.

Toby kisses Adam, sending Kevin into a jealous rage. Kevin fires off a magic lasso to reel Toby back to him, the abused having become the abuser.

If Toby wanted a boyfriend who knew magic, he would never have thrown out David Copperfield’s phone number. Besides, looking back, being with Kevin was always a wrestle for control, and not in the fun way, which includes novelty wrist cuffs and a ping-pong paddle.

Kevin threatens to pull a Bro on him, but Toby reminds Kevin that he may be hurt, but he’s not psycho, so don’t even make idle threats like that. It’s over.

Adam and Toby try to convince Kevin to stay and help anyway – the problems of three people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world called Dante’s Cove.

Kevin tells all of them to go screw themselves. Oh well. See ya at the apocalypse.

OK, you can come back to the fold now – Griff goes to Diana’s house to enlist her help, unaware she’s already on a bounty hunt for Michelle with her sister, Grace. Too bad Diana’s not home, because Griff calls out: “We have no time to waste. I’ll restore your powers!” It’s like being at the dry cleaners when Ed McMahon rings your bell.

Griff finds Diana’s teapot, traces of Michelle’s bloodletting still staining its insides. He takes one whiff of the blood and sees visions of what Michelle’s been up to.

Griff jumps into his snazzy convertible and goes tearing over to Grace’s house. Brit is there to tell him the Practical Magic sisters are over at Michelle’s doing a Shadows exorcism. Griff jumps back into his car once more and goes speeding off into the night.

Cliffhanger – At Michelle’s place, Grace discovers what a slob Michelle is. Her place is even messier than the last time Diana paid a visit. Well, you wouldn’t have time to do laundry either, if you spent every waking minute trying to seduce the local scientists, hiding in the bushes or dismembering people.

Diana and Grace stand knee-deep in dirty clothes and old Chinese food containers, wondering what to do next, when without warning, Michelle comes flying out of her closet, teeth gnashing and eyes blazing.

She’s torn her house apart. She’s ready to kill. You’d be pissed too, if you had nothing better to wear.

Next time on Dante’s Cove: The Shadows take over the town, infecting beautiful people right and left. Grace and Diana join forces while the others do the best they can. With all his patrons dead or turned into killers, Bro finally decides something is indeed wrong.

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