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Bad Girls Recaps: Episode 3.13 “Revolving Doors”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The pest: Without her mother to pick on, Di goes after Gina.

The perennials: The Julies are back in jail. Again. The pimp-on-wheels: A new arrival intrigues everyone, including Fenner.

A police station – Oh, that’s right: The Julies were arrested on their way out of jail. Julie S. is playing dumb as an investigator asks her about her activities in 1996. I know what I was doing in 1996: living from paycheck to paycheck and trying to convince people I’m a good writer. I’ve come a very short way, baby!

In the interview room next door, Julie J. pretends not to remember her crimes either. But the coppers call her Sonia Dawson, which sounds so weird. And it makes me think of Richard Dawson. Can you imagine a gang of Larkhall ex-cons on Family Feud?

Julie S. starts to get irate because her family is waiting for her. Looks like they’re going to be waiting a while.

Shaz’s cell – Shaz is using her phone card to scratch Denny’s name into the paint on the wall. She’s sniffling. I start to feel bad for her, but my brain quickly becomes needed for activities of a higher order – namely, translating:

Big Gay Al: [snatching the phone card away] Hoo stenny din? Ee gairra flen dizz at? Sho mossjy mitt allf shuhlites joo. translation: Who’s Denny, then? Your girlfriend, is it? She must be mental if she likes you.
Crystal knows exactly what Al is saying and tells her to leave Shaz alone.
Big Gay Al: You gonna mate me?
Oh, it was make, not mate. Whew; that gave me a disturbing mental image for a minute there.
Big Gay Al: Oh yeah; you got God on your side. Tell you what: You say a prayer, and I’ll wait and see what happens.
I translated that one right off because the phonetic representation would have broken my fingers. I really can’t believe Al hails from the same country as Helen Stewart.

Al mocks Shaz for all her “snot and tears.” Shaz does seem pretty pathetic sometimes. (One of my favorite comments on the last recap was from BeecaBee: “Side note, Shaz is annoying.”) But I don’t think that means Shaz deserves a swirlie, which is what she gets from Al. Can you imagine a swirlie in prison?! Gross. Al promises more where that came from.

Sashaying on the job – Di Barker, who has been on “compassionate leave” (read: she freaked out because Fenner caught her mistreating her dear old mum), is back at work. She’s sauntering down the halls of Larkhall in a way that makes me think of a headline I saw in The New York Times over the weekend: “Plenty of Confidence, and No Pants.” Somebody even wolf-whistles, but I don’t know what’s supposed to be so impressive. Well, it’s a new haircut, but otherwise she looks as diabolical as ever. She saunters into the locker room and says a nervous hello to Gina and Josh. Their reactions couldn’t be more different: Gina tells her she looks nice, while Josh’s expression is akin to Beavis and Butthead’s reaction to schmaltzy chick music.

But Gina’s niceness turns nasty: She says she knows Di was lying about hooking up with Josh.

Gina: Sad, really. Still, we can’t all have pulling power, can we?
I never know quite what to make of Gina. She’s horrible, generally, but she’s often right about people. And there’s something strangely sexy about her. She sorta looks like an evil-universe version of Betty Boop. On that note, Gina leaves – and leaves Di alone with everyone’s lockers. That can only be bad.

Back at the police station – The cops tell each Julie that the other Julie has “turned Queen’s evidence,” which sounds much nicer (or much more fabulous) than turning State’s evidence. The Julies immediately being screaming at each other through the thin walls. I wish they’d make up and make out already.

Mealtime – Shaz is sporting some fresh bruises. Yvonne, who is sporting all black, wants the full story. Crystal explains the situation and says Shaz should report Al, but Yvonne says that’s the best way for Shaz to get herself killed.

Shaz: What am I gonna do? I can’t take much more of this. Yvonne: [watching the Peckham Boot Gang giggle nearby] Don’t let them see you like that. Shaz: What’s it matter? They already know I’m brickin’ it. I can’t sort it on me own, Yvonne. You’re the only one they’re scared of.
Yvonne considers this, no doubt fully aware of her ability to inspire terror. Catfight – As they are escorted from their respective interview rooms, the Julies scream at each other like banshees. It’s supposed to be funny, but it’s kind of sad.

The wing office – Hollamby inquires about Di’s mother. Di freezes, so Fenner comes to the rescue.

Fenner: She fell out of bed. Bruised herself quite badly. It was lucky I was there when it happened.
Aren’t you everywhere evil is, Fenner? Sorta like Dick Cheney? I think there’s some kind of magical conduit, like the fireplaces in the Potterverse. Devils like Fenner probably travel via elevator music pipelines.

Di says Fenner was really helpful, and adds that she’s decided to get her mother full-time care. That’ll be loads better than no-time care.

Karen arrives and immediately starts flirting with Jim. Apparently they are now cohabitating. It’s like this show is Di and my eyes and ears are Di’s mother.

Home sweet Larkhall – The Julies are back, still screeching at each other. Josh looks on and shakes his head like he’s in a wacky sitcom scene.

Somewhere we haven’t seen – Or at least I don’t remember seeing this; it’s some sort of staff cafeteria. Is it the officers’ club – the place Helen met Dominic that one time? I’m sure I was too busy staring at the tipsy Scot.

Di and Sylvia eavesdrop on Gina and Marc, who are having a deep conversation about whether to “get take away and watch a video.” Gina thinks she’d better go to aerobics so she doesn’t end up with “handles for hips.”

Hollamby: She doesn’t know when she’s well off. My Bobby’s idea of a romantic gesture is to take his socks off before he gets into bed.
Snicker. Ah, Bodybag, you old coot.

Di immediately starts slamming Gina, suggesting that Gina’s not going to aerobics but to see “another fella.” Bodybag’s happy to join in the slagging off.

Back in the clink – The Julies are in the processing area, surprised to see a familiar face. The new arrival, whose name is Virginia O’Kane and who apparently runs several brothels, looks like a cross between Jackie Collins and Jocelyn Wildenstein. She’s also in a wheelchair, and I doubt Larkhall is exactly accessible. I doubt it’s up to any kind of code or standard at all, for that matter.

Virginia is quite to happy to see the Julies. It turns out she used to be their pimp – in fact, she’s the source of the charges that have landed them back in Larkhall. Nobody likes a rat, cat lady!

Julie S.: Trade us in for a couple of years off, did ya?
Virginia insists she would never betray the Julies or help the police in any way, but Julie S. points out that Virginia was always happy to take on coppers as clients in the old days.
Virginia: Yes, but that was business. This is friendship. Loyalty. The Julies: [in unison] Bollocks, more like.
And with that moment of like-mindedness, the Julies realize they’ve been fighting the wrong person. The music even swells briefly, as if they’ve just seen each other across a crowded room. Ah, young love. Er, old not-love.

The wing office – Gina wants to know who has been tampering with her makeup. (I guess; I’m not sure exactly what the problem is, but it involves makeup, of which Gina certainly does wear quite a bit.) Actually, Gina isn’t inquiring at all – she’s pretty sure Di is the culprit.

Di: Why would I do something like that?

Gina: Have you got four hours?

Four hours wouldn’t be anywhere close to enough time for a litany of Di’s lunacy.

Too little, too late – Julie S. is beside herself. She was so close to being reunited with her family, and now her son doesn’t even really know what happened. When Virginia hears this sad story, she confesses that she did turn the Julies in. She begs them to forgive her, but Julie J. is now in pit bull mode and defends her friend with a snarl and a kick.

Julie J: [kicking Virginia’s wheelchair] Bet this is a con anyway. You’re just playing for sympathy, ain’t ya? Virginia: A con? God forbid that one of your children gets muscular dystrophy.
And then Julie J. feels terrible. The Julies sure are on an emotional roller coaster in this episode, and we’re only 12 minutes in.

The officers’ club – Mark is having a quiet drink alone. Di moves right in and asks whether Gina chose aerobics (make that “eye-robics”) over him.

Somehow she manages to get him to buy her a drink. I’m really starting to loathe you, Di.

Revelations – The Julies want to know more about Virginia’s muscular dystrophy, but she doesn’t really want to talk about it. But Hollamby wants to talk about the Julies’ return to Larkhall. And not in the way you might think:

Julie S. I bet you knew we was on gate arrest, didn’t ya? Bet you had a right laugh watching us walk out of here.

Hollamby: Believe me, if I had known, I’d have handed my notice in and walked out with you.

The Julies just look at other, slightly befuddled. Did Hollamby just express sympathy for them – and maybe even an interest in justice? What’s happening to this show? Next thing you know, Helen will be dating a man.

Hollamby says they have an hour until lights out, but Virginia isn’t sure how she’s supposed to get herself into bed. So Hollamby and Josh and the Julies help her into her bunk, with a lot of yelling and grimacing all around.

Hollamby: Never mind her. What about my back?!
After the officers leave, Virginia just cries.

Sowing poison seeds – Mark and Di are getting tipsy together. Di flirts with him shamelessly, calling him gorgeous. She also notes, just bye the bye, that Gina has Josh in the palm of her hand. Mark’s so thick, it all works.

Mark: You got a boyfriend? Di: No one special. Don’t like to be tied down. [sleazily] Having said that … depends on who’s doin’ the tyin’. Mark: Oh yeah.
Ugh. Mark looks a bit like a low-rent David Duchovny, but, like most people, he’s less attractive when he’s sozzled (unless, like Di, you yourself are also sozzled). Clearly he has beer goggles of his own, because he’s buying Di another drink.

Charitable souls – The two Julies are caring for Virginia now. They admit that they probably would have “blabbed” too.

Julie J.: [looking pointedly at Julie S.] In fact, I did.
Julie S. doesn’t mind so much.
Julie S.: I’d rather be in here, if it means I can be with you. I told Trev that if he took me, he’d have to take you and all.
Julie J. didn’t know that, of course; she never gave Julie S. the chance to say so. Julie J. apologizes for all the horrible things she said and they embrace, looking adorable in their fuzzy robes. Aww. And isn’t it annoying that this is the extent of girl-girl hugging on this show lately? Grossly flirtatious – Di and Mark have moved right past incidental touching and are at the full-on groping stage. Mark gets up to go to the bathroom. While he’s in there, Gina arrives. She looks around the club but doesn’t see Mark or Di – who has now gone into the men’s room to help Mark zip up his fly. Rather, Di tells him not to bother to zip it and pulls him into a stall. They make out a little, but someone comes in, which prompts Mark to come to his senses and leave, ordering Di to stay behind until the other guy has left.

Gina is right there waiting for Mark as he exits. She’s wearing her workout clothes, which look like a cross between a leotard and a bumblebee costume. He nervously suggests they leave immediately. Di stumbles out of the men’s room just in time to see the backs of them.

The 20-minute mark – It took half the episode, but here’s Helen. Unfortunately, she’s with that annoying Dr. Waugh. It seems she drank him under the table the night before.

Thomas: Well, that’s the Scots for you. Helen: Cheeky.
Such witty repartee between these two. Actually, that clichéd exchange is far better than what follows:
Helen: The conference was good. I enjoyed it. Thomas: So did I. Helen: Your paper was a hit. Thomas: How would you know? Helen: I was not asleep! Thomas: Resting your eyes, then? Helen: I was at the back of the room, and you need your eyes tested. Thomas: [staring at her intently] There’s nothing wrong with my eyes.
Helen seems to appreciate the compliment, if you can call it that. It was more like a verbal leer. But she certainly is a visual feast at the moment. Still, how can she think this guy is preferable to Nikki? Like her, he has brown eyes and nice hair and a good brain, but he’s about 1/800th as sexy as Nikki. No matter what your orientation might be.

Helen giggles and turns to go about her day. She giggles. I retch.

The wing office – The prison officers discuss Virginia O’Kane’s arrival. Di points out that they don’t have wheelchair access, but Karen says they’ll find a way to cope. Don’t you love it when bosses say “we” when they mean “you”?

They decide to put Virginia in Barbara’s cell so she’ll have some help. Oh, right, Nikki’s on her own again. In so many ways.

Hallway chitchat – Di asks Gina whether she’s found the makeup messer-upper. Gina has apparently decided Di didn’t do it. Go with your first instincts, Gina: Crazy is as crazy does.

Elsewhere, Yvonne welcomes the Julies back, teasing them about their sense of direction (“The exit’s that way”). Look at Yvonne’s awesome bed head! Handi-capable – Virginia doesn’t want to share a cell with Barbara anyone else. She doesn’t seem to realize that incarceration isn’t exactly about maximizing choices.

But she quickly finds an ally in Barbara, who of course feels sorry for her and wants to help. Babs is kind of holier-than-thou sometimes, isn’t she? But then she does something like scare the hell out of Shell and she seems OK. (When is Shell coming back? I actually miss her.)

Always planning their future – Out in the yard, Crystal expresses her insecurity about her upcoming court date. Josh says she’ll have good character references from the prison staff, because everyone knows she doesn’t do drugs.

Yep, that was the entire scene. Foreshadowing much?

The eye of the beholder – In the cafeteria, Tina Purvis takes one look at Virginia and assumes she used to be a model. The other Peckham boot gangers quickly correct her.

Al: [loudly, so Virginia can hear] O’Kane’s nothin’ but a shag bag. Maxi: Probably how she lost the use of her legs, wrappin’ ’em around that many geezers. Barbara: Can’t you show any respect? Virginia: Don’t worry, darling; I didn’t understand a word. I don’t suppose there’s much call for elocution lessons when you’ve been dragged up in the slums.
Al stands up, either to thump Virginia or to say, “Me, I’m the best example of incomprehensible speech!” Maxi tells her to sit back down; it wouldn’t look good if she were to “do over a cripple.”

The “cripple” gets a delivery then: a lovely bunch of flowers. Tina watches with stars in her eyes. Well, I guess there aren’t a lot of role models to choose from in prison.

The officers’ mess, indeed – Di continues to build her evil love triangle. She sits at a table with Mark and Gina and starts to tell them about the guy she made out with last night. Then she asks Gina what she and Josh were “whispering” about earlier, which is enough to make Mark stomp off in a huff.

I wonder what Di was like as a child? She probably had dozens of imaginary friends, until they all got freaked out and became real so they wouldn’t have to play with her anymore.

Speaking up for her rights – Virginia O’Kane wants ramps and other customizations, but Betts says the administrators don’t think the expense is justified. So Virginia begs for her own room instead. Does that make any sense at all?

Bonding – Gina confides in Di about Mark’s jealous rages.

Gina: He’s only gone and dumped me.
Di gives Gina a hug and pets her hair like she must have petted the hair of her one-eyed, one-armed dolls in her childhood. (Yes, Di had imaginary friends and scary dolls. Do you doubt it?) A standoff – The Peckham Boot Gang girls tell Shaz to resign from yard duty so they can take over. Yvonne watches the whole exchange.
Maxi: Yeah, Grandma? You got something you wanna say?
I think Yvonne’s expression pretty much says it all. But Shaz doesn’t talk back to the PBG. She still has a brain left under all that hair gel.

Later, at lights out, Al demands that Shaz give her all the blankets on her bunk. Oh, and the mattress too. Shaz does as she’s told, but resists when Al tells her to strip too. Al threatens her with some sort of razor blade on a stick, so Shaz curls up on the floor and shivers.

Al, your mean streak is wider than your accent is thick.

Tough love – The next morning, Yvonne asks Shaz whether she’s OK, knowing full well that she’s not. She encourages Shaz to get a cell of her own on G-3, since she’s entitled to that as a lifer.

Shaz: Yeah, I will. I don’t know why you’re pretending you care, anyway. You don’t give a s— about me. No one does. Yvonne: Ah, well. I’ll just piss off then, shall I, and leave you to feel sorry for yourself.
Sigh. Shaz, you’re annoying. It’s not even a side note anymore.

Dogs in the yard – Di finds Mark and tells him he’s better off without Gina. She invites him out for a drink. She gets very close to him and very possibly brushes against him down there, but we can’t quite tell because the camera isn’t down there.

Di: If you need cheering up … Mark: I’d rather have a wank.
Woo! But no, no. Do not provoke the crazy lady with the imaginary friends and one-eyed dolls.

Making friends – Virginia shares her chocolates (they came with the flowers) with the Julies. She also razzes Hollamby a little, just for fun.

Virginia: You know what that woman needs? An orgasm.
It’s nice when the Julies giggle.

‘Fessing up – Shaz requests a meeting with Miss Stewart. She asks to be taken off yard duty, which confuses Helen because Shaz always seemed to like it. Helen is even more puzzled by Shaz’s request to be moved to the lifers unit on G-3.

Helen: I thought you wanted to stay with people your own age. Shaz: I changed me mind, didn’t I? Helen: Is there something going on? You don’t look too good. Shaz: I’m fine. Helen: Are you missing Denny?
Shaz looks like she’s about to cry, so Helen agrees to move her to G-3.
Helen: [as Shaz gets up to go] Shaz. You know you can talk to me, don’t you?
But Shaz doesn’t know much of anything right now.

That scene gave me a glimpse of the Helen I like: the one who actually listens to the inmates and tries to help, even if she doesn’t have the first clue how to do so. She even had a season 1—ish expression on her face. Integrity is even lovelier to behold than a pretty face. The locker room – What’s with all the drama in the locker room? This time Mark and Gina are having a heart-to-heart. Mark apologizes to Gina for his jealousy and then suggests that they move in together. Uh, nice romantic setting for that, you wanker.

Gina: Aw, Mark. Come here, you daft sod.
Now I’m the daft sod, ’cause that actually was kind of romantic.

They decide to go to Mark’s place for some “proper making up.” Gina tells him to go on ahead. She wants to spend a little quality time with the pregnancy test that’s lurking in her locker.

Business arrangements – Fenner has found Virginia’s little black book (actually, it’s beige) and proceeds to blackmail her with it. Here we go again.

Not quite a clean getaway – As Gina exits the prison, Di confronts Mark. Don’t think for a minute that the timing is a coincidence.

Di: Is that all I was to you, then? A quick shag?

Mark: Yeah, you were. Now piss off and leave me alone, will ya?

Gina doesn’t look like a twisted Betty Boop now. She just looks sad.

Mark: She means nothing to me! Gina: You think that makes it better? You bastard. How can you do this to me? I’m having your baby, for God’s sake!
Just in case you forgot you were watching a soap.

Better than blackmail – Oh, Fenner doesn’t want to blackmail Virginia. He wants to run her brothels while she’s in the slammer. All for 50 percent of the take, of course.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: The Gina-Mark drama continues, as does the Fenner-Stewart feud. And the Stewart-Waugh seduction. Wah!

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