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“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.3 “Sexual Healing”

We like snails – H2Eau’s culinary wunderkind, Toby, is relaxing in a hot tub after a long night of poaching salmon and chopping fennel. As the frothy waters roil around his rugged, smooth body, a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder fill the dark skies. Toby doesn’t move.

With his newfound attraction to Adam, his ongoing drama with Kevin, and a boss who turns every shift into a sexual harassment law suit, electrocution in an outdoor hot tub during a storm is the last thing on Toby’s mind.

Apparently, Kevin has other things on his mind too, because his head slowly emerges from the water like a blond Loch Ness monster. Courtesy of a little amateur Tresum, Kevin has teleported over to Toby’s house again for another surprise visit. He hovers over Toby with his butt in the air. Toby opens his eyes.

Toby: Kevin! What the f—?

Kevin: Shhh …

Toby: Adam’s right inside.

Kevin: I wanted to see you.

Kevin kisses Toby and slowly makes his way down until his head is underwater. As Kevin cleans him like a helpful sucker fish, Toby throws his head back in gratitude.

Ever seen Spartacus? That film had a hot tub scene, too. Tony Curtis, as the slave Antoninus, splashes water on the back of his master, Crassus, played by Laurence Olivier, while they linger in a big Roman bath.

Crassus: Do you eat oysters?

Antoninus: When I have them, master.

Crassus: Do you eat snails?

Antoninus: No, master.

Crassus: Do you consider the eating of oysters to be moral and the eating of snails to be immoral?

Antoninus: No, master.

Crassus : Of course not. It is all a matter of taste, isn’t it?

Antoninus: Yes, master.

Subtext has been replaced by submerged sex. Look how far we’ve come.

Adam enters, drops his drawers, bends over, and gets in the tub.

Or not.

Kevin vanishes as Adam arrives, leaving Toby with an angry sea serpent and a frozen smile on his face.

Back at Bro’s house, Kevin reappears at their bedside, soaking wet and reeking of chlorine. Kevin says aloud: “Good night, Toby. It’s almost time.” Bro keeps right on snoring and drooling. That guy can sleep through anything.

Meanwhile, Diana is sitting alone in the darkness of her living room, listening to creepy voices calling her name and asking her to “join” them. Without her Tresum powers, Diana is as helpless and scared out of her wits as a small child and hides by sticking her face behind a potted palm. Diana didn’t play much hide and seek as a kid, I’m guessing.

Morning – Having survived her nocturnal ordeal, Diana goes to see Griff – she’s convinced he’s mentally torturing her just for jollies. Why else would he extend his trip, if not to mess with her mind?

Griff tells Diana he loves all that Dante’s Cove has to offer: sun-drenched beaches, tropical breezes and half-naked Calvin Klein models as far as the eye can see. If he’s forwarding his mail to the Cove, it has nothing to do with her.

Disgusted, Diana tries to slap his face but he grabs her hand mid-slap. “Disrespect me, disrespect the Council,” he says angrily. Diana leaves in a huff to go make a Griff-faced dart board.

Back at Bro’s house, Kevin is just returning from his weekly butt waxing to find sleepyhead Bro having his first cup of coffee. Bro is in another foul mood, unaware his grumpiness is being caused by Kevin, who’s been siphoning his powers every night. Kevin tries to give his master a little back rub, but Grumpina shrugs him off and says ouch.

Kevin: It’s this bracelet – it’s getting a little annoying. Maybe it’s time for it to come off?

Bro: I say when it comes off. But if you’d like to go into town today on your own, I’ll allow it.

Kevin: Great. Thanks.

Bro: Kevin, not for too long. I’m sure you don’t want me to worry.

Kevin rolls his eyes behind Bro’s back and trots off into town, unraveling his invisible leash as he goes.

In the lab – Elsewhere, Brit and Elena are in Brit’s oceanography research facility, also known as the toolshed, examining the mysterious old chest Brit found at the bottom of the ocean. Brit eyes a test tube and informs Elena that in her professional opinion, the chest is made of – get ready to write this down – wood.

Elena peels off her sweatshirt, revealing her skimpy tank top, drawing Brit’s attention to a different kind of chest. Brit pulls Elena near with a dirty smirk on her face, but Elena tells her this is no time to get busy. Elena wants Brit to tell her more about the find of the century.

Before chucking it all to live an awesome hedonistic lifestyle on Dante’s Cove with a woman she just met, Elena was an antiquities dealer. She wants to buy the chest from Brit, but Brit isn’t about to commercialize her “scientific find” any more than she’s ever going to button her shirt.

On his way into town to buy more baby oil and return 300 to the video store, Kevin stops in on the girls to say hello. They show him the chest. Elena highlights the chest’s unique markings. She tells Kevin they appear to be half Druid, half Vedic, like he knows what the hell she’s talking about.

Kevin exams the sides of the box and says its writings looks an awful lot like the text in one of Bro’s Tresum books. It’s the little-known font called Malarkey Condensed Bold.

Everyone’s dying to find out what’s in it. Elena tells Kevin they need his brawn; she and Brit couldn’t open it, which makes sense since neither of them appears to eat and don’t have the combined energy to open a pickle jar.

With the help of a crowbar, the three geniuses crack the chest open. They all stick their heads in the box in unison. It’s empty. Now they know how Geraldo Rivera felt.

Just then, Brit notices some burn marks on the inside of the chest. And yet, there are no burn marks on the outside. Interesting. It’s as if something was set on fire, placed in the chest and then, the lid was shut. I’m frightened – hold me.

The Lair – While Kevin plays with Brit and Elena’s box, Bro is watching Griff do half-ton bench presses. You don’t build a chest and arms like that sitting on the couch with your feet up, eating Cheez Doodles. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Griff gives Bro a turn on the bench, but all of Bro’s powers are sapped, both magical and physical. He can’t manage a single lift and might have just given himself a hernia. Bro wants Griff to teach him the nifty power transference trick that involves unsuspecting victims, casual sex and man-breast massages. With a mere five minutes a day on Griff’s special regime, you too can build power, shed those unwanted pounds and lose what’s left of your gag reflex.

Griff shows Bro his secret charging station, an all-male orgy club called The Lair. The door is being manned by a shirtless dude named Thom.

Thom greets Griff familiarly and reaches for Bro’s shirt. Bro grabs Thom’s hand angrily – do not touch the Bro-ster. Thom tells Bro shirts are forbidden inside – house rules, dontcha know. Bro and Griff strip their shirts off. Instead of a hand stamp or drink tickets, Thom gives Bro a bunch of condoms, and they’re in.

Behind a wall of heavy curtains, Bro and Griff find random naked guys acting out the entire Kama Sutra. A naked employee stands in the corner. He might be a room monitor; he might be an ornament; he might be a coat rack. I’m not really sure.

Why don’t lesbians have these kinds of clubs? Lesbian clubs always seem to involve sports, dinner or group travel requiring comfortable walking shoes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Bro looks around with mild curiosity. Griff explains the power charging concept to Bro for the tenth time because Bro’s not that bright.

Griff: The trick to power transference is intention.

Bro: You’re saying I can pull power from these men? Physically?

Perhaps Bro needs a demonstration. Griff turns to the nearest man, smiles at him and proceeds to go downtown. Exactly four seconds later (I timed it, God help me), Griff’s partner is done, drained of his energy and bodily fluids, and collapses into Griff’s enormous guns.

Griff carries him over to a floor cushion and lays him down. Bro notes with awe, “You killed him … with sex.” I love this show.

Griff explains the man is not dead; he’s merely napping and will be fine in a few minutes. However, Griff says, you can “damage” the energy source if you get greedy. Griff offers Bro a turn, but Bro begs off, saying the only energy drink he wants is called Kevin.

Over at Grace’s Beautiful People Hostel, Adam and Toby are preparing for a birthday party for Lance Bass’ ex, Trevor. Still riding the high of their new relationship, Toby jokes with his formerly straight lover, Adam, that things happen for a reason, and that’s why it took them so long to find their way into each others’ pants. They admire the “Happy Birthday” banner and dream of all their birthdays to come together. Blech.

Can’t we all just get along? – At H2Eau, Bro is sitting at his favorite table, looking out over his swanky kingdom and his ripply, tanned subjects, sometimes referred to as patrons. Just then, Grace walks in – five minutes after her breasts do.

Oh my. Nice dress.

Bro offers his nemesis a drink he named after her: the 200-year-old Virgin. Heh. Grace doesn’t have time to trade barbs with her former fiancĂ©. She wants his Sun Book and all the star flower he can give her, because she’s on a mission to vanquish the evil that Marco tried so desperately tried to warn her about before his untimely dismemberment: The House of Shadows. Bro spits out his drink.

Bro: Oh, you really do need that drink. The House of Shadows is a myth, a tall tale passed from generation to generation to frighten.

Grace: No! No! It’s true! If our Tresum ancestor hadn’t stopped the House of Shadows, we’d be ruled by their darkness now.

Bro: That’s completely ridiculous. A dark force that spreads mayhem and chaos and corrupts souls?

Grace: No, no. It’s true. And now, somehow, the shadows have escaped their prison.

Bro doesn’t believe Grace about the House of Shadows. Bro didn’t believe Griff about the rejuvenating properties of random sex. Bro is the kind of guy you have to tell everything twice.

Bro thinks Grace is tilting at shadowy windmills and refuses to lend her his Sun Book. “An olive branch is one thing. But sharing the Sun House secrets with the demented Moon witches is another thing. Who knows what would happen,” Bro spits out at her.

Grace retreats to a fallback position and asks for just a little star flower instead, but he won’t even give her that. Bro tells her when he wants to see into the future, he merely looks into Kevin’s eyes. Yeah. Look closer and you’ll see Toby’s face in there.

Grace rolls her eyes and says, “Oh, puh-leeze.” Bro suggests to Grace she go visit that Saint junkie, Adam; he’s sure to have a stash or a dealer.

Happy birthday, big boy – Toby, Adam, Brit and Elena all attend Trevor’s little birthday party. As he tears at the wrapping paper on the gift from Brit and Elena, Elena jokes he might want to wait until he’s alone to open it. What is it? Stinky cheese?

Grace comes home right in the middle of the party. She apologizes for interrupting but Trevor says woodenly, “Oh. Grace. Grace. Don’t. Go. Join Us. It’s. My. Birthday.” How can she resist such a charming invitation? Adam sweetens the deal and offers her some of Chef Toby’s awesome birthday cake.

Unable to turn down the saddest-looking chocolate cake that ever came out of an EasyBake Oven, Grace joins the gang and gallantly tries to fit in with the kids by admiring Trevor’s new birthday underwear.

Brit lights the cake candles with a lighter. Adam’s gaze is immediately entranced by the small flame. He leans in close enough to take out all his nose hairs. Instantly, Adam sees a hallucinogenic montage of horrifying images: Michelle with crazy eyes, people screaming in terror, the symbols on the old chest, himself with male pattern baldness. The room spins, his eyes cross, he falls backward in his chair. One word: Emmy.

Toby leaps up in alarm. He holds his boyfriend and asks if that was another Saint flashback? Adam’s not sure what that was. Grace watches with great interest, raising one impeccable eyebrow.

Toby takes Adam outside for some air. Grace follows, but stands away from them, eavesdropping. After Toby goes back inside to apologize to his guests for the worst cake ever made, Grace approaches Adam.

Grace: Your experience with our sacred plant has given you prophetic sight. What you see is what is to come.

Adam: Lady, for all our sakes, that better not be true.

Grace: Well, it doesn’t have to be. If you will let me see what you’re seeing, I can figure out a way to stop it.

Adam: Now, how are you going to do that? You can’t get inside my head.

Why would anyone want to?

Grace: Yes, yes, I can. All you need to do is ingest some of Tresum’s sacred plant with me: star flower. Mortals call it Saint.

Adam: Are you f—ing nuts?

Is that any way to speak to someone who’s 140 years your elder? Grace patiently tries to convince Adam that the fate of Dante’s Cove and everything in it rests inside his head and unless she can tap into his visions, everyone can kiss the good life goodbye. Adam tells Grace he’s not falling off the wagon for any reason, but if she wants some Saint, she should go to The Lair. And so, off she goes to the Penis Room.

At the Lair, we learn the “no shirts” rule does not apply to women. Grace is surrounded by naked men enjoying other naked men. Seeing one couple doing the hokey-pokey, Grace is reminded of the day back in the 1800s when she caught Ambrosius doing the same with his butler.

Grace’s eyes never recovered from the sight of her dashing fiancĂ© getting butled, hence her virginity and contentious relationship with Bro. In case you were wondering.

Thom, the condom-dispensing manager, realizes there’s a vajayjay in his club and quickly escorts Grace out of the room. She tells Thom she’s there for something other than watching gay male porn: She wants Saint and she wants it now.

Thom shows Grace his secret Saint-growing room: an indoor nursery with rows of star flower, indoor plant lights and naked gardeners spraying the plants (and each other) with Miracle-Gro. Thom gives Grace some pruning shears and lets her run loose in his pick-ur-own Saint grove.

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Brit is the new Van – Sitting in his favorite chaise lounge, Toby tells Brit all the things he used to tell his dead best friend, Van. He reveals that Kevin paid him a hot tub visit which left him unfulfilled and dizzy. Too bad he thinks it was just a dream.

Brit assures him it’s no biggie. “Look, I love Elena, but do you think nobody else ever comes into my head?” she asks as she imagines Michelle with her top off. Brit’s not exactly an enigma, and Toby asks if she misses Michelle.

But before she can answer, Elena shows up and asks, “Yeah, Brit, do you ever miss Michelle?” Busted.

Toby bails on Brit, leaving her to tap dance alone. Tapping into her keen attention to detail and innate lesbian paranoia, Elena asks Brit if she has anything she should be worried about – other than that not having a job, that is. Brit swears up and down there’s nothing for Elena to worry about, and then closes her eyes and pictures Michelle on all fours.

H2Eau – It’s another hot night at H2Eau. Over by the DJ booth, Kevin tells Bro he’s tired and instead of waiting for last call, he wants to go home and get in bed. Bro will have to close the bar without him.

Sitting at the bar, Grace waits for H2Eau’s ab-licious bartender, Adam, to look the other way. As soon as he does, she slips a star flower roofie into his coffee mug and strolls out. Adam takes a sip, not truly sensing anything is wrong.

A moment later, Adam is staggering outside, right into Grace’s waiting arms. She drags Adam to a cliff’s edge where together they see his visions of stabbings, Michelle’s parents getting slashed, bloody hands, Brit holding a door closed with all her might, Michelle and lots of death.

Meanwhile, Bro tells Griff that tonight is going to be special: It’s the night he releases Kevin from his bondage and finally allows him to take off that hideous gay bracelet. In this century, Bro has learned to style his hair, work a CD changer and memorize adages like “If you love something, set it free.”

Bro: I love Kevin. And I believe he loves me.

Griff: Wow. From captive to soul mate. It’s quite a story.

Bro: Maybe one day, you’ll find your soul mate as well.

Griff: Oh, I find one or two every day. There’s a lot of Miss Rights. And Mr. Rights. You know me, I love them all.

Griff is a people person.

You’re grounded – At home, Toby accosts Adam like a worried mother the moment Adam stumbles in the door. Adam is high as a kite and furthermore, he has broken some kind of gay curfew. Toby scolds Adam for being high and doesn’t believe for a second that someone dosed him without him knowing it.

Adam want to know “where’s the trust?” as he sloppily drags his hand over Toby’s face. Toby pushes Adam away and goes off to find the nearest Al-Anon meeting.

When the cat’s away, the mice will play at Bro’s house. While Bro spends the night spying on the H2Eau wait staff to make sure they’re not stealing from him, the love of his life, Kevin, is in his bedroom, doing an incantation.

“Power of the sun, strength of fire, Ambrosius’ power will become mine,” Kevin chants as he waves his hands over Bro’s Sun Book and a salad bowl filled with dry ice.

Daddy comes home early and catches his boy using one of his magazines and playing with himself. Sort of.

Bro: What the hell are you doing?

Kevin: So what! My secret’s out – big deal. There’s nothing you can do about it now.

Bro: That is not true!

Kevin: No? Try me!

Kevin wads his hands together and creates a big red ball of flaming energy. He hurls it at Bro, sending him flying across the room and knocking him on his ass. Bro is stunned at Kevin’s power.

Bro calls Kevin an ungrateful bitch. But I love you anyway, he says with his eyes. Kevin lets out all his pent-up rage at being held prisoner, losing Toby, and having to wear that awful jewelry. He throws another giant flamer at Bro, bringing him to his knees.

Bro crawls backward until he’s cornered as Kevin winds up for his big finale. Just as Kevin lets loose the biggest flamer yet, Bro grabs a mirror and reflects the barrage back at Kevin, who absorbs the full force of his own power and falls to the floor with a bewildered look on his face.

Fun with Griff – Even though Kevin’s down and ready to be chained back up to the nearest bedpost, Bro flees the house and doesn’t stop until he’s at Griff’s front door, begging to be given a booster shot.

The Tresum brothers take a little shower together. Griff shows Bro how to save water by washing his body and a window at the same time.

He gives Bro a Tresum popper and confidently explains that it’s all in the fingertips. With the proper control, Griff can give power or take power. He’s a top and a bottom.

After the hot water’s all gone, Bro and Griff sit around reminiscing. Bro says now he should have seen Kevin’s trickery once he witnessed Griff’s energy drain tricks at The Lair. He vows revenge. But only because he loves him so damn much. Griff’s advice? Power up before seeing Kevin again.

Power Up! – Bro spends the next few days feasting on the men of Dante’s Cove, the biggest meat buffet south of the equator. Kevin’s going to be sorry.

Meanwhile, Grace finds out that Griff believes in the House of Shadows, but he doesn’t feel their presence because he’s too busy getting laid. Grace begs him to do a spell with her.

Griff: I can’t get involved with your rogue magic. I’d lose my job.

Grace: Surely the fate of the world is more important than your job! I need your powers.

Griff: There is one other way.

Grace: Whatever it is, I’ll do it.

Griff: Swear your allegiance to the Tresum Council. And to me.

Grace makes a face like he just screwed her mother. She slaps him hard across the face and hisses, “Grace Neville is no one’s aspirant.” She storms off, leaving Griff bobbing in her diva wake.

Back at the toolshed, Brit and Kevin are using all their collective intellect to decipher the meaning and purpose of the old sea chest, but to no avail. Brit tells him Elena says the writing does not match any known language, because, ya know, she knows all of them.

Brit’s cell phone rings. It’s probably another one of those headhunters looking for a bartender with an oceanography degree. Brit takes the call, leaving Toby alone with the chest. He places his hand on the large symbol on the lid, and instantly his hand sticks to the emblem, bright lights shooting out in all directions under his palm. He finally manages to pull his hand away.

Kevin looks over at Brit, who’s still yakking on her phone. She missed the whole thing. Seems Elena’s the one with the observational skills in that relationship, which would be fine, except Brit’s the scientist. Oh well. Maybe she’s a better bartender.

Elsewhere, on a deserted stretch of road, Bro is sitting in his car with a guy he picked up, getting his oil changed. While his new friend has his head buried in Bro’s lap, Bro puts his hands on the guy’s head and sucks the life force out of him. After he’s done, he pushes the naked gentleman out of his car and speeds off to in search of his next victim.

The other triangle – We quickly shoot over to H2Eau, where Toby is having Brit-like problems. Kevin shows up as Toby’s grilling a dozen chickens on a ginormous outdoor barbeque. Through the mesquite smoke, Kevin asks if Toby’s seen Bro. Toby says no, thank God. Kevin tells Toby to keep an eye out for Bro because “today’s the day.” Toby has no idea what Kevin’s talking about.

Adam walks over and gives Kevin the Elena-patented stink eye.

Uh oh – Brit is still in her little lab working when Michelle, the home-wrecker and evil murderer, stops in.

Brit: I’ve missed you. I’m glad we can hang like this, ya know, be friends.

Michelle: Are you happy, Brit?

Brit: Yeah, I mean, um … I’ve got my work and Elena’s the greatest. So I, ah …

Michelle: She seems a little possessive, if you don’t mind me saying.

Brit: You think so?

Michelle: Well, I mean, it’s not like you’re married or anything.

Michelle moves in and holds Brit’s hands in her own. Before Brit can say another word, Michelle wraps her arms around Brit’s neck and gives her a long, deep kiss.

Brit pulls away after a minute, but Michelle moves in again, laughs about how right it feels, and pulls her shirt off, revealing a black bra that is literally bursting at its seams.

Brit runs her hands over Michelle’s enormous breasts as Michelle says in a breathy, soft voice: “I’ve seen so much darkness. I just want to live.”

She turns Brit around and pushes her forward into the work table, her hands running across Brit’s stomach, one hand dipping into the front of Brit’s jeans. Michelle pulls Brit’s shirt off and opens her bra. Michelle spends the rest of the afternoon showing Brit how to live.

Night terrors – Over at Griff’s house, Grace is finally ready to lower her standards. With the weight of the world on her shoulders, Grace tearfully tells Griff she’s prepared to be his aspirant and pledge allegiance to his flag. Yes, the House of Shadows is that dangerous. Even Griff grasps the meaning of her sacrifice and stares at her, dumbfounded. She instructs him to come to her house at the midnight hour.

At Grace’s sister Diana’s house, things are also not going well. Diana is having a nervous breakdown. The voices in her head louder than ever, Diana howls, “Why are you doing this to me?” into her empty living room. Sobbing uncontrollably, she goes to the window and cries out at the palm trees: “Whoooo’s there? Why are you doing this to me?”

She staggers away from the window and just misses creepy-eyed Michelle pop out from behind a tree, calling to her in a possessed voice: “Diana … join us. They’ve made a fool of you. We will give you power …”

Diana clutches at a sofa cushion and cries hysterically.

I’m free – Bro has finally returned home from a very full day of having his magic wand cleaned and polished. Back up to full strength, thanks to Griff’s helpful advice, Bro is now ready to lord over Kevin with all the power and fury a gay warlock can possess.

Kevin tells Bro he’s sorry for being a bad boy, but Bro is not a forgiving man. He forces Kevin down onto his knees with a mere gesture of his mighty hand. “You’re not the only one who can take power from others,” Bro tells Kevin.

Benevolent sociopath that he is, Bro allows Kevin to stand. Kevin suddenly waves a perfume bottle at Bro’s face, releasing an overdose of David Beckham’s new fragrance, knocking Bro out cold.

Kevin takes Bro’s Sun Book out and speaks the spell that finally releases him from servitude and ugly jewelry. Free at last. He steps over Bro’s body and skips out the door.

Next time on Dante’s Cove: Griff and Grace are onto Michelle’s alter ego. Elena has a throw-down with bloody results. With Kevin free from Bro’s grip, Toby has one man too many.

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